To move 60yo mum into a retirement home

[Brie86]

My 60yo mum can't cope with living alone. She's had mental health issues all her life, agoraphobia, anxiety and depression. She often calls me at 2/3am in the mornings in a panic saying that she's frightened and scared and wants me to go round. She's not eating or washing properly, not sleeping, and can't leave the house because she's too scared to (she's gone through spells like this for most of my life, even when she had my dad). I feel like she needs to go into some sort of sheltered housing, even though she's only 60. Aibu? I don't really know what the options are.

I live 2.5 hours away from her in a rented houseshare so she can't move in me. Brother and his wife live in a 1 bedroom flat with a 3mo baby, she can't move in with them. Neither of us can move in with her because we won't be able to get to work.

Your DM sounds very similar to mine, I empathise.

We helped my DM move into a warden controlled over 60's retirement village type place, shortly after she turned 60. She was the youngest there by a few years, but it really has helped her to have lots of people so close by. They have regular social events within the building that she can attend without having to actually go "out", and she knows that everyone there will be a resident, so at least not complete strangers. It's really taken the pressure off me, although I only live 10 minutes away, so it's easier for me to get there when I need to, but I'm no longer on the phone with her at all hours!

I hope your DM will find somewhere suitable, settle in quickly and you are then able to find a similar peace as me.

Do you think there is anything physical going on ? Mini strokes or similar?

housingcare.org/elderly-uk-assisted-living-extra-care-housing

Turn your phone off at night. I do it now. Once a month, I was dealing with - when it got to twice a week, I found my inner ruthlessness.

Does she own her home, or rent?

She’s clearly under the care of her GP and other NHS services but does she have a social worker or any other contact with social services?

Sheltered housing may not help unless they have experience of enduring mental health problems. She could end up scared to leave her small flat.

What a difficult situation.

But I don't think this is necessarily about a retirement home. She sounds as if she has severe mental health problems that have gone on for some time and which aren't a direct consequence of ageing. If she was 50 or 40 or 30 you wouldn't be thinking of a retirement home. I think she needs the GP and a psychiatric referral, maybe adult social services too.

This kind of accommodation might be what she needs, if her care needs are not so great that she needs a residential home
www.ageuk.org.uk/information-advice/care/housing-options/assisted-living-and-extra-care-housing/

They allow people to maintain their independence still and a lot of council have very lovely and good value ones (with options to buy your own home if you can afford to or rent if you can't). There are also some really fancy private ones. They provide a bit more support than sheltered housing, and often have loads of activities, a good social life, and a restaurant in them or cafe.

I am sorry I have not read all of the replies, but a good start might be to ask the council for a care assessment, if you have not requested one already, to help establish if she does need residential care or could manage with just a bit more support.

That sounds like a really awful situation for your mum, for you, for your brother. It sounds like the best you can do for her is to be her advocate with social services but you can't do so without her agreement.

Could you make an appointment with her GP to discuss options? I doubt the GP could discuss your mother without her prior agreement but might at least be able to signpost you to others who may be able to help, coming from a place of knowing your mum's situation. Good luck x

you cant move her in anywhere.she doesnt sound like the choice would be removed from her and that she doesnt have mental capacity( one the doctors would use to force her out of her home anyway)
what has she said when you have talked to her about this.
does she want more help?
if she is getting worse but still safe and wants to be where she is you cant do anything.
so if she cant currently get better its about how to make her life bearable.maybe then livable.then etc etc.
and how you choose to cope with that sadly is also up to you.
how you can and can not support her is up to you now. but you can make her do anything and it would be wrong to.
forcing this would actually make her mentally more unwell.
supported housing is at the moment often fucking shocking.

Yes I agree. Definitely ensure she has had full social care and GP/mental health reviews. Sure you have, but this is a good point. They should hopefully see her urgently, if she is in crisis or their are any safeguarding concerns.

There's supported housing where I live- some residents on benefits and some and some work etc; but there are staff on call during the day, but not evenings and night so thst might not work for the OPs Mum.

But it would need to be the Mums decision if she has capacity.

Unless you can prove she somehow doesn't have control of her faculties, it'd be hard to 'make' it happen unless she wanted it to.

It sounds like she can look after her basic needs she just pesters you on the phone at night when she gets anxious. She would probably do that wherever she lives @Brie86 , unless she gets a medication change/effective therapy and chills out.

If your Mum owns her own home she could sell and rent in a warden assisted block where someone would be on call to help if she was frightened.

Assisted living is another option, but very costly, have a look at Abbeyfield, they have places all over the country.

@Brie86 I think your best bet would be to try and get consultants/docs etc to do more for her mental health. There are loads of different meds etc they can try.

And with bereavements and a traumatic separation, those are things that will take a considerable time to recover from, but she will get better. x

My bestie is in 'sheltered housing,' well, a warden is in the area a couple of days a week. That is all really. So I don't think that'd really help her. They definitely aren't trained to do anything like emotional support of occupants in distress, I don't think.

Places will vary but there will be people who need the sort of place you're envisioning much more and will get higher priority for it.

I also agree. She is only 60. This is not a retirement home issue.

I also think the question can you move her into a home…no you can’t, as it’s not your decision
She needs to see her doctor for support re depression anxiety acrophobia. If she’s already under gp care for these issues then she needs to be re assessed

Its great that you care and maybe you need to be at the appointments with her

The supported housing is great for people who are lonely, a bit down and occasionally anxious. They benefit from mixing with others and social events. But it really is not enough for someone with enduring mental health problems.
If you could afford it I would offer to help her find a live in experienced carer of mental health issues instead.

But a word of caution, when someone has lifelong enduring mental health problems there is no sudden cure, especially when she has lost her parents and her husband has left her, so she has less support than she did.

I was initially shocked at “retirement home” as I am not much younger and I still have school aged dc.
Having read the full post though, it seems that she needs some level of support. This is different from the support that people need who are just getting older. She needs support for someone with mental health issues.
A family member lived in a shared house where there were also responsible adults living in, and basically keeping an eye on the residents, supporting them when needed but not doing any actual care work like washing clothes etc. He was in his early sixties, and had mental health issues (he had lived with his mother prior to that) he was placed in the shared house by his local authority. When he got into his mid seventies he had to move into a care home because he could no longer manage all the basics of looking after himself, eg getting himself a sandwich, doing his washing .
Your Mum sounds as though she does need someone keeping an eye on her, so you could ask about this sort of thing.

I presume the missing word is pills?

Has she ever tried the sedating anti depressants or anti psychotics, which can also help with severe anxiety?

She's tried it all @EmmaEmerald. Usually gets really bad side effects as well.

I think the menopause has made things worse too. She won't consider HRT.

In my area there is something called tenancy support where a support worker visits a client in their own home and gives practical and emotional support. It might be worth looking into whether this is available where your mum lives.

Ok...

In morning, call social services for an urgent needs /mental health assessment.

My guess... Once she has found the right support - stuff will hopefully improve.

Id also ask for a carers assessment for you.

You may have to wait a bit but at least you'd be ob the list!

The issue here is your mother's poor mental health, not her age. Please talk to her GP or whoever as she really needs help.

My in laws have recently sold their house and moved into a retirement living flat, and it has made their lives so much easier. It's not a care home, but it solves many of the issues that old people face - loneliness, isolation, fear and feeling overwhelmed with the tasks associated with maintaining a property. There is a duty manager on call 24/7 in an emergency and they can go downstairs for lunch or a coffee during the day for company.