Gentle parenting emotions, I don’t understand.

[CupEmpty]

Please can someone tell me if I’m getting this wrong, or what the hell im ‘supposed’ to be doing. I don’t get gentle parenting but am trying to see if it helps manage my toddler (2.5yrs) emotional outbursts.

I read a Janet Lansbury post about what to do when a child has a meltdown. She used an example of a child needing a physical outlet for their frustrations and so used to rip up bits of paper. The mum kept stacks of paper ready for the child to rip up to prevent her lashing out physically. The mum thought this was successful and made a comment about how she is the same and uses a baseball bat when she’s frustrated. Now this to me is not emotionally healthy.

my question is - with gentle parenting and acknowledging the emotions and allowing them to flood out, not quietening them, are we just teaching our children that they are entitled to scream and shout when they feel upset?

How do I get my toddler to calm down and quieten down, as if I say ‘calm down’ then I’m repressing her emotions. Does that make sense? What am I missing?

Even so, they will still tell her ‘no’. And she isn’t ready to hear that.

I’ve been validating my DS’s emotions since he was tiny, he’s now 7 and screams the house down for tiny tiny hurts. Not sure what to do about this without gently explaining that people think he’s being murdered when he’s barely got a scratch!

Actually the majority of primary schools follow the same techniques so I don’t foresee it being an issue at all as it isn’t likely to come up 😊

Yeah certainly explain your reasoning simply and in ways your child can understand. But, occasionally, no is a complete sentence. Because sometimes your toddler will ask you to repeat your reasoning multiple times. Or sometimes they won't accept that you just don't want to do something. And sometimes they should just know why it's a no. I do think young children know much

Pressed send too soon! Yes I do think they know much more than people credit them with. Which is why when they want a second helping of cake I just say no, because they know you can't eat cake until you're ill. We have been over it all before.

You're not my dd1 are you? She lost a helium balloon when she was 4 (now 31) and she was completely hysterical. Totally spoilt the day for everyone- and I've never bought a helium balloon since! I probably didn't handle it the best, I tended just to let her get with it or if she threw herself on the floor and wouldn't move I'd carry on a little until she realised I wasn't reacting. Never has that many tantrums with my other 3 so not sure if I got better at nipping them in the bud or what!

I haven't read through the replies but I am with you op I have not worked out how to allow the child to have an emotion without enforcing the action as being right...

We have the "thinking step" when things get out of hand, it is the stairs but they have to sit quietly and calm down until I get back and then we talk about what happened and how the behaviour could have been better or what the problem was and how to fix it and sometimes the answer is in a round about way "that's life kiddo" (but explained better) sometimes their sibling doesn't want to play and that's OK.... sometimes they can't have the cup they want, the seat they want etc etc but that's OK too because there may be something better..

I try to reinforce the positives but I struggle with that sometimes which I am sure rubs off on my kids....

I am probably doing it wrong too and I will find out the harsh reality of my parenting when they are teenagers and adults. For now when in public they are generally good kids and let off their emotions at home where they are safe to do so so I will consider that a win

You acknowledge what they feel and you assure them it’s valid. Then with time you’ll discover outlets together. Mine is an anger-biter. It’s ridiculous sometimes 😂
But imagine, you as an adult, can you “calm down” if people are telling you? Surely not.
We learn to walk away, take a deep breath, count to ten and manage our emotions in a healthy way. This is what we teach our toddlers too. We also teach that emotions are very normal. It’s okay to feel sad/angry/disappointed.
Some parents mix up gentle parenting with letting the child do whatever they want to the child doesn’t scream. That’s not ideal.
I usually let my DD express her emotions, we will then talk about how we feel and I try and help her navigate it. It’s hard. But I think it helps my sanity too 😊

Yes! I don’t think saying “Calm down” has helped anyone, child or adult, to calm down in the whole history of trying to calm people down. Think of yourself as a hostage negotiator: you wouldn’t just say “Gun down”, you’d talk to the maniac. Toddlers are maniacs.

With DD what worked was introducing the idea of quiet alone time, with us nearby but not in her face (she hates being talked to or touched during a wobbler) and now when she loses it she bellows “I NEED QUIET TIME” and runs to her room, gets under the covers and sobs. I do think it’s OK to let them rage and cry and work through the feelings rather than immediately calming down: crying IS calming, it releases hormones. Then afterwards DD likes to talk through the big feelings and says she feels a bit shaky, and I’ll suggest a snack or that we start lunch (hunger is her trigger!) and she’ll agree, even if the tantrum started over the suggestion of lunch.

My baby hasn’t reached tantrum age yet, but I’ll be ignoring if she does have tantrums. She certainly won’t be given any paper to rip up or a cuddle when she’s done. What a load of nonsense.

We've gone through the emotional meltdowns over every little thing and we're coming out the other side now.

Honestly, it's developmentally normal for toddlers to have big feelings and meltdowns and I don't view it as something that needs to be corrected.

When my DC had an emotional meltdown, I let them feel their feelings, offered a cuddle if needed and then distracted with a fun activity/toy/game whatever. We'd then discuss 'feelings' once the dust had settled. 'I'm sorry you were feeling so cross earlier. It's ok to feel cross sometimes. Next time, could you use your words for Mummy so I can understand and help you?'

I certainly wouldn't be ripping paper.

Acknowledge the feelings, offer support and then move on. The bigger deal you make out of it, the more it drags on I feel.

Do come back and let us know how this goes once you’ve actually encountered it.

1. Didn't answer a single question I asked.

2. Congratulations on not having a child of tantrum age but still being a better parent than me. You must feel hugely accomplished.

How embarrassing to be so proudly ignorant on parenting.

Until mine hit that age I never understood how infuriating, frustrating, embarrassing, upsetting a toddler tantrum could be for the parent - often all at once.

I'm pretty no-nonsense in my parenting and use the word wild abandon but I think you're being ridiculously naive.

Oh my goodness, what a comment. Come back and tell us when you’ve actually been through it love!

That's the second time today that I've seen a glorious combination of username and post content.

I really appreciate all the replies and am re reading them again slowly to try and understand more. I’m still feeling a bit lost and stuck. I’m genuinely not being rude but I feel like a lot of posters don’t understand what it’s like to have a child like mine. I see what other children are like and some are much easier. To the PP who says she explains things and her toddler just listens and accepts them, you’re lucky. Yes I’m sure you feel it’s your excellent responsive parenting and you’ve put in the ground work but my toddler is just on a different level. She loses it, she’s beside herself and you can’t get through to her. I’ve tried distraction, preemptive measures etc. it’s not about hearing the word ‘no’, it’s like she is so over emotional she can’t cope with life. I think some children are easier than others but some parents don’t have the humility to understand that.

Mine aren't too bad on the tantrum front OP (don't get me wrong, could cheerfully string them up at times) but I feel the same about sleep. Ohhh, a bedtime routine, if only I'd thought of that.

She loses it, she’s beside herself and you can’t get through to her.

So does my toddler sometimes. They all do.

However well behaved a toddler is, when they have a tantrum, as they all do, they are incapable of listening to you or being distracted etc because their brain is too disregulated. That part of the brain has literally shut down.

So you need to coregulate. It’s not your job to fix it. You sit with her until she’s ridden it out. Try rubbing her back, breathing techniques or just leaving her to it quietly while you sit with her. It’s okay for her to cry, even in public.

Only when the tantrum has truly passed are you able to explain and talk to her.

@CupEmpty Your describing my DS there. Down to the fact that offering him acceptable choices wasn't enough, he knew what he wanted and no amount of 'little' decisions giving him power ever seemed to help. If he had huge meltdowns he'd just get angrier and angrier if I stayed with him and used any of the techniques. To the point we realised that actually leaving him somewhere safe, sometimes that would be putting him in his room, on his own was actually the right thing for him. We always remained calm, always went through the explanation of feelings, what to do next time etc. But he was a very explosive very inflexible and opinionated toddler. He takes after me. He's getting better as he gets older. As an aside I'm suspected to have ASD and ADHD (I've not requested an assessment yet) but he really is very similar to me in lots of ways.

Anyways - I thoroughly recommend "The Explosive Child"

I wouldn't say gentle parenting won't work for your daughter. Only that every child is different and there's no one rule / manual that works perfectly for all of them. You have to piece bits together and adjust as you go.

She loses it, she’s beside herself and you can’t get through to her.
This sounds so normal. I think, at least with DD, there are two levels of tantrum: one is just common or garden “being an arsehole” where I can head it off at the pass by being silly – “Oh, no! The blue cup is in the dishwasher. Nee-nar nee-nar, emergency orange cup incoming” (yes you feel ridiculous) – but then also next-level emotional breakdown where she is just in pieces and, like you say, can’t be reasoned with or communicated with. Obviously “calm down” isn’t going to work here, and nor is silliness. All you can do is stop them hurting themselves as they hurl themselves about - which is why I like DD’s bed or mine as a safe space for big feelings, and be there when it ends to help them through feeling shaky afterwards.

I really recommend the books Barbara Throws a Wobbler, and My Big Shouting Day, for talking about tantrums: the wobbler book is more about those all-encompassing, beside herself tantrums, while the shouting one is more about the generic arsehole toddler moments.

You answered your own question. "There's no boundary to hold." So you don't need to do anything. You let the child meltdown and then they stop.

It's developmentally inappropriate to expect a small child to be able to process their feelings like an adult. Things do feel like a massive deal to small people - allowing them to feel and move through their huge feelings won't make them unable to handle feelings as adults. Maturity takes care of this problem - as we age, we handle our feelings better because our brains mature. Stopping a child from expressing their developmentally appropriate feelings just interferes with this natural process of maturity, imo, although obviously we must keep people and property safe. Try raisinghumanskind on Instagram.

I think meltdowns are brilliant - controversial opinion! If you let your child have a good long meltdown (and really fully allow it) they will be so much more regulated afterwards.

Love this

I have two like this. My 20 month old literally cried for an hour yesterday. I just think, "well, he must need to."