Gentle parenting emotions, I don’t understand.

[CupEmpty]

Please can someone tell me if I’m getting this wrong, or what the hell im ‘supposed’ to be doing. I don’t get gentle parenting but am trying to see if it helps manage my toddler (2.5yrs) emotional outbursts.

I read a Janet Lansbury post about what to do when a child has a meltdown. She used an example of a child needing a physical outlet for their frustrations and so used to rip up bits of paper. The mum kept stacks of paper ready for the child to rip up to prevent her lashing out physically. The mum thought this was successful and made a comment about how she is the same and uses a baseball bat when she’s frustrated. Now this to me is not emotionally healthy.

my question is - with gentle parenting and acknowledging the emotions and allowing them to flood out, not quietening them, are we just teaching our children that they are entitled to scream and shout when they feel upset?

How do I get my toddler to calm down and quieten down, as if I say ‘calm down’ then I’m repressing her emotions. Does that make sense? What am I missing?

If they can tell me what the problem is and I can solve it, then I usually will. So in your example I "can't understand" whining or screaming, but if DC were able to calm down enough to ask for the red cup then I would give it if I could or explain if I couldn't and probably offer a different cup choice. That helps them to understand why screaming and shouting doesn't help. I think you need yo consider exactly what you are trying to teach them. I don't like to have the chipped Bowl DP won't throw away, and would absolutely ask for a different one. Why shouldn't they?

I don't think the paper ripping thing would help, but I'd happily take everyone outside to throw (soft) balls in a box or at the fence if emotions were getting too high. A physical outlet can be useful.

Why is ignoring better than suppression? Isn't that giving the message that noone cares if you're upset and you're only worthy of attention when you're happy?

How would you feel if you were upset and frustrated and your partner didn't even try to understand why or let you explain?

And where is the solution for next time? Noone has helped the child understand what happened and why and what they can do next time to quell the overwhelm before it happens.

Sorry I haven’t read everything but there are 2 parts to gentle parenting acting as a mirror for your child so they get an accurate and compassionate reflection of their strengths and weaknesses and teaching emotional regulation skills.

Emotional regulation is where again you mirror your child’s emotional state back to them using soothing words, so something like I can see you are frustrated, then you validate and hold space for them to have that emotion even one’s we were brought up to think of as being unacceptable emotions like anger even rage (you dont allow them to act out the emotion in unhealthy ways through behaviour though) and then you help them over the intense phase of the emotion. That can be different for each emotional state and for each child, so one of my kids likes their own space and a conversation when they have cooled down and another prefers hugs in the moment.

It is trial and error both with naming the emotions and the regulation techniques. The idea is that over time they internalise your parental responses and become self actualised and can do these techniques for themselves to process emotions rather than suppressing them.

I think people overcomplicate all of this sometimes.

Toddlers just have tantrums, and sometimes it doesn't matter if you give them a piece of paper to rip up or try to talk to them about their feelings or just let them cry it out. They are going to have that tantrum!

You are not going to get a 2 year old to stop having a tantrum by giving them another 'outlet' like ripping paper.

What's important is that they know you love them whatever, and their feelings are valid (but sometimes their behaviour isn't). That takes a long time to learn for a little kid navigating big feelings. So 'gentle parenting' or whatever, all it really needs is patience.

My point is that ripping paper isn't destructive but it gets out the nervous energy that accompanies an unpleasant feeling. If you feel that ripping paper is destructive then suggest something else like throwing a ball around or dancing or whatever. I don't remember exactly what happens physiologically but it's something like stress causes an increased blood flow to the muscles of your limbs (so that you can react to dsngert, eg by running away) so even if stress is not caused by a physical danger (as in our case it usually isn't) our body still Mobilises it's resources in the same way, which is why we feel physically antsy when we are stressed or experience other negative emotions like anger or frustration. That's why physical movement helps.

I think it also helps teaching that ripping paper (that isn't needed anymore) is not destructive but ripping a board book is. Hitting a pillow is not destructive but hitting a person, animal or damaging something is.

Is it dramatic? Possibly but at that age everything is dramatic for a toddler. I don't think we can expect our toddlers to not act in a way that seems dramatic to us.

I also sometimes ignore it when my children are having a tantrum and depending on the situation I do think sometimes that's the best but I also want them to learn what to do if they can't calm down immediately (which again physiologically is difficult even for adults) and if they do need a physical outlet to help them with that.

Yeah I should have added this to my reply above. It isn't about stopping the tantrum at that moment but about teaching them how to cope with strong emotions.

Read 'there's no such thing as naughty' by Kate Silverton- really eye opening

I just don't think that a toddler is not at a developmental stage where they're going to be able to do what you're asking re the paper ripping.

That's more something I would try to talk to a teenager about, maybe a 9/10 year old.

I sometimes think that 'gentle parenting' demands too much emotional maturity of little kids who are just not capable of it yet. Sometimes kids just have to be left to have a tantrum and then given a cuddle. They don't need to talk it through or understand or reflect - they're too little.

Sorry double negative - should have said 'I just don't think that a toddler is at a developmental stage...'

I let them tantrum then when there's a lull in the shouting, I offer a hug. This often defused things extra quick. I think it's important to feel the full range of human feelings and if you parent in a way that constantly avoids difficult emotions then the child is going to struggle when they aren't with you. Their peers aren't usually going to adjust their actions because they want to prioritize their own feelings.

Then when they are totally calm, it's worth having a conversation about things and a suggestion about how they can deal with things next time. Say they had a tantrum because their drink is in the red cup instead of the orange cup, gently suggest that next time they can just ask me with words so that they can have their drink how they like it. It won't always work and sometimes there isn't a solution to their gripe but they will eventually understand that asking for the orange cup is a lot less hassle for them too.

I actually don’t think it’s healthy or acceptable to ‘let all your feelings out’. I think it’s quite a self centred way to live, to treat those around you as shock absorbers who just have to tolerate and absorb whatever screaming/shouting/crying you feel like doing because ‘that’s how I feel’.

Toddlers of course cannot be held to this standard but equally ‘gentle parenting’ and the like seems to treat them as small adults, expecting them to be introspective and identify more complicated secondary feelings which they don’t even really understand.

If DD is screaming and angry because she wasn’t allowed a slice of cake before dinner, I’ll firmly tell her that we can’t have pudding before dinner and that’s that. I’ll then ignore her and let her thrash around, telling her I’m there when she’s calmed down and wants a cuddle, but that she won’t get what she wants. I don’t shout at, smack or negotiate with her, I’m calm but firm and don’t let her ‘rattle’ me.

If she’s upset because of a ‘justified’ reason like another child has pushed her over, then of course it’s all cuddles and making sure she’s okay.

But she’s far too young for ‘feelings chat’ at 3.

Say they had a tantrum because their drink is in the red cup instead of the orange cup, gently suggest that next time they can just ask me with words so that they can have their drink how they like it.

What if the orange cup is in the wash? I don’t really think parents should be dictated to on this level by toddlers if I’m honest. DD asks for a drink, I get her one. I won’t be pandering to cup
colours.

Yep. Stop panicking about doing things right or wrong. Let them tantrum for a bit, stay calm, give them a hug when they come round. Explain that you know they're upset because they wanted the yellow cup but they've got the blue cup and that's just the way it is. If they still don't want the blue cup then fine, they can have a drink in an hours time or whatever.

Toddlers just tantrum, it's what they do. The only way to avoid tantrums is to head them off at the pass - don't let them get too tired, hungry or overwhelmed. The reason tantrums often happen when we are out with them is it's just all too much for them.

They also have to learn to hear 'no' and a neutral no at that. Not an angry shouting no, and not a 'I'm so sorry baby but mummy can't give you the banana right now because we are in the shop and we have to pay for it first, as soon as we get to the till you can have it ok?' That's just too many words for a toddler and they'll lose their shit. When you hear BANANAAAAA just offer a cheerful 'no' and continue about your business.

@MeinKraft put it better than I ever could!

They also have to learn to hear 'no' and a neutral no at that. Not an angry shouting no, and not a 'I'm so sorry baby but mummy can't give you the banana right now because we are in the shop and we have to pay for it first, as soon as we get to the till you can have it ok?' That's just too many words for a toddler and they'll lose their shit. When you hear BANANAAAAA just offer a cheerful 'no' and continue about your business.

@MeinKraft Yes, exactly!

This is what bugs me about some of the gentle parenting approaches I have seen my friends doing.

There is way too much explaining and 2/3 year olds just do not have the comprehension skills for it. You can see them just getting more distressed as mummy is explaining in a whiney emotional voice how hard life must be for them but she understands and it's all going to be OK.

It's so bloody intense and it all becomes even more overwhelming and complicated!

Of course recognising emotions is important, but sometimes, kids just need things to be simple so that they can move on.

I’d be interested to see the Janet Lansbury post—I’ve been following her advice for years and the ripping paper thing doesn’t sound like something she’d recommend—perhaps she was responding to someone else’s suggestion. She tends to suggest recognising the child’s feelings rather than diverting them. Eg “I’m sorry I can’t let you do that. Yes, you’re feeling really upset about that.” Also I wouldn’t say she’s gentle parenting as such, so perhaps that’s where confusion is coming from—rather, she’s always recommending being firm on boundaries but in a way that’s calm, unrattled and stable for the child, while allowing and being able to deal with their feelings without losing your cool (sometimes hard to do!).

@Squidsink I had the same question so I went and searched on all Janet's website and then her social media pages. Found the post - see my comment at 10:05 today.

Try reading up on Therapeutic parenting, we use this method for our foster children and our birth children. Sarah Naish had a couple of brilliant books. It started as a very specific form of parenting for children after abuse and trauma who need very clear boundaries and guidelines, they need routine and set reactions. In a 'normal' child this is also invaluable as it stops any uncertainty they may feel this leading to frustrations

They also have to learn to hear 'no' and a neutral no at that. Not an angry shouting no, and not a 'I'm so sorry baby but mummy can't give you the banana right now because we are in the shop and we have to pay for it first, as soon as we get to the till you can have it ok?' That's just too many words for a toddler and they'll lose their shit. When you hear BANANAAAAA just offer a cheerful 'no' and continue about your business.

@MeinKraft I wholly disagree with this! This is exactly what works with my toddler and pretty much exactly what I say, though I generally don’t apologise.

So for example we were in the pram on the way to meet daddy in town. She’s not a big pram fan anyway. Half way there she starts trying to get out saying “out out mummy see daddy” and crying. I said “we have to stay in the pram right now but when we see daddy then we can get out”. She understood and sat nicely.

If we are buying a toy and she gets upset because she wants to play with it and open it straight away I’ll explain in similar words that we have to pay for it.

She’s 2. They have a lot more understanding than people give them credit for and as such we rarely have tantrums and she is impeccably well behaved.

She has consistent, healthy boundaries yet I pretty much never say the word no to her because I find that word isn’t of any use. Instead I tell her what to do, not what not to do. I don’t give unwanted behaviours any attention at all.

@FoxInSocksSatOnBlocks I guess it depends on the child as to their understanding, but I have seen this approach used several times with children who just clearly were not able to follow the complexities of what their parent was trying to say, and it didn't work.

I think really empathy is the most important thing and having a good knowledge of child development/ what your child is actually capable of doing and understanding at any given age.

I have seen parents place demands on their children to be introspective, understand and reflect on their behaviour and emotions which was way beyond their cognitive ability, in the name of 'gentle parenting'. I think that is actually quite harmful.

I pretty much never say the word no to her because I find that word isn’t of any use.

Shes in for a shock when she starts school.

Not really. She has boundaries and follows rules, and she’ll be older then. Children are very adaptable.

I think a lot of what people misunderstand about the Janet Lansbury style of parenting is that the tantrum management part is only really the tip of the iceberg. It's really about your relationship with your child, building connection with them. When you get that right, you can avoid lots of tantrums altogether - and prevention is much better than cure.

I think a lot of people get really hung up on the negative part of behaviour management - "showing them who's boss", "not letting them get away with things", "not giving in" etc. When we relax about all that see our children as people in their own rights, treating and speaking to them respectfully, then tantrums are far less frequent and when they do happen can be managed much more calmly.

It always helped me to think that a tantrum is something that happens TO little kids not something they're doing. I'm not a 'gentle parenter' or any other 'kind' especially but it seems to me that if screaming and shouting is an outward expression of inner feelings those feelings must be pretty big and scary even if you think the situation doesn't warrant them.

My mum always used to say 'never mind' when I was upset but I DID mind and it was OK to mind. Screaming and shouting to get what you want is not ok but what's wrong with screaming and shouting because you're devastated about not getting what you want (or whatever is really the matter) when you're two and are just realising you're not the only human in the world? Feeling devastated is horrible!

I think people woefully misunderstand what toddlers are capable of.

Obviously there are differences in development level/stage between children, but on the whole there’s no reason to presume a two/three year old can’t understand reasoning or understand emotions.

my kid is three and since 2.5yr has been able to name his emotions, predict them, guess what others might be feeling, reacts far better to a ‘no’ when I briefly explain the reason: ‘biscuits aren’t foods we eat all day long, we’ve had two today! We’re having an apple now’. A ‘no’ ‘why?’ ‘Just no’ would feel awful, we’d hate that as adults so why do we expect toddlers to tolerate that cheerfully?