Gentle parenting emotions, I don’t understand.

[CupEmpty]

Please can someone tell me if I’m getting this wrong, or what the hell im ‘supposed’ to be doing. I don’t get gentle parenting but am trying to see if it helps manage my toddler (2.5yrs) emotional outbursts.

I read a Janet Lansbury post about what to do when a child has a meltdown. She used an example of a child needing a physical outlet for their frustrations and so used to rip up bits of paper. The mum kept stacks of paper ready for the child to rip up to prevent her lashing out physically. The mum thought this was successful and made a comment about how she is the same and uses a baseball bat when she’s frustrated. Now this to me is not emotionally healthy.

my question is - with gentle parenting and acknowledging the emotions and allowing them to flood out, not quietening them, are we just teaching our children that they are entitled to scream and shout when they feel upset?

How do I get my toddler to calm down and quieten down, as if I say ‘calm down’ then I’m repressing her emotions. Does that make sense? What am I missing?

It’s not usually about the cup. It is, as mentioned above, usually something else 1 overtired, hungry, needing to exert control. What most “gentle” parenting people would recommend is going “upstream” to work out what the real issue is - new sibling? Change of routine? Not enough time outside? Not enough sleep? Just being two? There’s a fine line between gentle and permissive, good advocates of gentle parenting will also be clear that it is authoritative, not permissive. There’s a group called Visible Child on Facebook, run by Robin Einzig, which I think you might find helpful OP.

Also, the question about “when would they stop ripping up paper”, the answer would be when they’ve developed sufficient emotional regulation to do so. Then they might need different methods to self-regulate.

The key to gentle parenting is validating and empathising with your child’s emotions (so recognising that they are upset that they can’t have the red cup) rather than dismissing their emotions. Often this acknowledgement and the offer of a cuddle once they are ready helps to regulate their emotions. They feel seen and then are able to calm down using you as a safe base. Once they are calm you can then discuss better ways of dealing with it than lashing out etc if they are old enough to understand. This may sound like ‘I can see that you really wanted the red cup and you’re upset that it’s in the dishwasher. We’ll have to use the blue one today but it’s ok to be upset / have big feelings, do you need a cuddle to help you to feel better / I’m here when you’re ready for a cuddle’. You may need to sit and wait for them to be ready for a cuddle. It’s all about holding your boundary but acknowledging and naming their emotions and then supporting them to calm down. I found it worked really well and still does with my eight year old when she’s really upset. We’ll then have a chat about better ways of handling her emotions once she’s calm.

Honestly, I think in a tantrum they don't learn much no matter what you do. So I wouldn't worry too much about it. One trick is to do something like "I see you don't like this cup, and I wish I could give you the other cup. It can't happen right now (or if there is a reason - not clean, etc.)" Just the acknowledgement that they're heard is sometimes enough.

My daughter used to have tantrums when I did give her what she asked for and I was always mystified - she asked for a biscuit and I was getting a biscuit and then she's tantrumming because she didn't have a biscuit (yet) - should I give it to her or not? I generally did, and it didn't seem to train her into tantrumming...

So I was having the worst time with my toddler and I totally flipped my parenting style for him. Honestly he would meet shouting with shouting, didn't give a flying fuck about any punishment... Whereas my first kid was really good at regulating their emotions, my second really had to learn the skill.

I took a parenting class that basically said, kids are small humans. Humans need empathy and understanding when they display their emotions. Small humans need to be taught the boundaries that are acceptable in order to regulate these emotions.

So, say my kid was having a tantrum about wanting chocolate cake? I'd empathise and reflect their emotions back to them....

"Yes you do want the cake". "I understand you want the cake, the cake is yummy, I want the cake too". "You feel cross because we can't eat the cake", "The cake does look good. We can eat it at specific time. We can have an apple or a cracker now if our tummies are feeling hungry". "You feel worried you're going to miss out on cake".

You're validating their feelings of anger/FOMO/wanting without breaking your boundary of "cake is for later". You're understanding them rather than telling them they're being a baby or whatever. It's so important- their big feelings are BIG.

Retaliates with a hit or throwing something? "Buddy it's not ok to hurt others or break things. If you need to work through it, on the thinking step and play with your calm jar, or go to your room and throw socks at the target. Let me know when you're ready for a hug".

It's a longer road than a bollocking or whatever, but I now have a 4 year old who is emotionally literate and really trusts that I am listening to him when he tells me something important.

You're only validating the screaming if you replace the wrong cup with the "right" one.

"Oops, sorry I didn't realise you wanted that cup. Next time can you let me know if you want a particular cup and if I can I'll give you that one. Right now I've already put the drink you wanted in this cup, you don't have to drink it but I don't want to dirty another cup right now."

If they were old enough I'd be tempted to say "I could always transfer this drink to the other cup for you if you want, but you'd need to clean this one out before you could have the new one".

And older still... "Feel free to transfer it over, but clean the dirty cup please"

Or whatever your reasoning is for her not getting the "right" cup.

"Oops, sorry I didn't realise you wanted that cup. Next time can you let me know if you want a particular cup and if I can I'll give you that one. Right now I've already put the drink you wanted in this cup, you don't have to drink it but you were rude when you shouted. Next time you should ask politely if you've got a problem and want something changing" (depends on the age of the child of course)

A tantrum isnt a deliberate manipulation at toddler age. Children can learn to switch it on when they're older if they find it means they get their own way. Which is what you're wanting to avoid I think.

So if wrong cup causes upset it is likely genuine, caused by lack of choice or inability to communicate wants in advance... let the upset pass through, then say do you want to choose a different cup (assuming which cup it is doesn't matter to you).

What you want to avoid is a tantrum turning your stated no into a yes. That's where tantrums become problematic.

So if you have said no to a glass but you can choose yellow or green breaker, all the tantrums in the world don't mean they get the glass. For good reason.

If the cup she's got is the only one you're prepared to offer, I would calmly sit while tantrum passed through and then either distract and carry on with the cup or say oh dear that's a shame. But make no change. So patience and empathy but no change.

That's how not to 'give in' you accommodate where that's kind and empathise, you don't have in and be dictated to to make the big emotions go away. And your calm is their anchor back to happy.
But not every tantrum is a battle you're trying to 'win'.

I know what you mean and it’s something I struggle with too.

My 3 year old DS hits his siblings sometimes when he’s angry or frustrated. I’ve read ‘gentle’ advice on redirecting this and letting him hit a cushion as an outlet for his anger, but I’m never clear how this helps, really.

Surely he needs to learn that it’s ok to feel angry, everyone feels that way sometimes, but it’s my job to teach him that it is just NOT ok to hit in response to that. Otherwise what happens in other situations when there’s no pillow around- he’s still used to ‘hitting’ as his way to deal with his anger, and may take it out on someone else in that moment.

Tearing paper may not be the quite same, but the principal is the same to me. I want to teach my kids healthier ways to manage their anger- going for a walk or having a run around or taking deep deep breaths, or whatever helps them calm down, and then we can talk it through when they’re calmer. My 6 year old DD (who was also a hitter when younger), is (mostly!) great at this now, she will say fiercely ‘I am SO angry with you!! I need to be on my own!’ and she retreats to her room for a bit!

It’s completely normal for little ones not to be able to regulate their emotions, of course, but I want to get him out of what essentially becomes a habit or automatic response- to hit/tear stuff up/generally be destructive when he feels anger.

Sticking with the cup example:

Allowing a child to experience their emotions doesn't mean walking away and letting them crack on with no support. It means holding them and comforting them gently explaining what's happening and how they're feeling.

The goal is that by being present with them they will absorb what you're doing and saying for them and be able to do it for themselves. E.g coming to find you and say "I want to make a drink, Mummy, but I can only find the green cup and I'm sad. Please can you help me look for the red one?"

Changing your mind when a child gets upset doesn't have to mean teaching them that "screaming gets them what they want" either. It could be that when they're calm you say "Hey, I see that it made you really upset when I tried to give you the green cup. Next time, you can just say "Mummy, please could I have the red one?"
Generally, children scream when they haven't actually got the words they need. Give the language to them.

I agree with most PPs, I also give choices all the time. My husband gets a bit annoyed at me because things take longer (e.g. "do you want the yellow cup or the blue cup? Ok. Do you want to sit in the white chair or your red chair?" Etc) but he's also constantly telling me that DD 'behaves' better for me than him. She's the same kid, I just give her control in the little things so she doesn't mind too much when I have to take control over other things. Why make it a battle? If she wants the blue cup, give her the blue cup. In her two years of life she's probably never experienced anything worse than mummy giving her the wrong cup, and it's devastating 😂

Re. managing emotions, I also try to teach coping mechanisms in calm moments. It took a while but I sometimes see her getting upset and then independently putting her hand on her stomach and watching the breaths etc. Afterwards I praise her really specifically, e.g. "I saw that you were upset, and you remembered how to do big breaths to help yourself feel better. I'm really proud of you! Shall we..." etc.

The screaming and tantrumming isn't a conscious choice, we're coming out of the other side with DS2 who will be 3 in a couple of months - the wrong cup example, we would still swap to the right one, and explain that mummy hadn't realised which one you wanted, next time you can choose ok?

He now knows to ask for his water in the green cup or the pokemon cup please, and if i show him it needs washing responds well - instead of me taking the decision out of his hands completely

Depends on the commitment of the toddler to the tantrum but can you make them laugh or otherwise distract them? I do think distraction is an under-employed technique in parenting. DS’s wee rubber dinosaurs used to start fighting and trash-talking when he got into a hairy in the house. Outdoors I’d go for ‘oooh look at that big dog, let’s go and see if he can talk yet’ or whatever. Just some random daft stuff. Change the mood. If it’s a tantrum over nothing (as they tend to be) it’s not invalidating so much as not centring a flip-out too much. Attention goes both ways, so if you present a more appealing alternative they’ll often cut their losses and go for that instead (not offering treats, I don’t mean bribery, which could obviously backfire). I would say this doesn’t always work, I’ve got six kids in my immediate family and it worked with four, two of them were made of sterner stuff😜

Agree @takealettermsjones the more choice they get to exert that's no skin off your nose, the more willing they are to let you exert your will over theirs when it's something that matters.
Or to put it another way if choice is a normal feature in their life they are less likely to rebel when you really need them not to, like wanting them to wear a seat belt for instance.

Why would you tell her to stop crying? It’s okay to cry.

You don’t have to fix every problem, and trying to will just make it worse. When she has these emotional meltdowns she is too emotionally disregulated to really follow anything you’re saying. So you just want to say as little as possible.

Definitely agree with this. My experience of giving my kids choice where possible (green or red bowl etc) has led to them being more accepting of the times I can't give them a choice, not less. They know I give choices where I can, so they realise I've got good reasons when I don't, and it's not because I don't care about what they want.

I don't do "gentle parenting" as a technique, but anything's better than "because I said so".

Of course it’s valid.

It’s trivial to you, sure, but it’s not trivial to her and you need to respect that.

That's not really on you to judge. It's valid to her, it's upsetting to her. Remember she's pretty new to the world and learning to deal with emotions and disappointment, a thing that seems tiny to you (wrong cup) might feel like the end of the world to her and that's okay.

ow would you advise getting a toddler to calm down in a ‘gentle way’. And learn that screaming/ crying going forward is not ok? I feel if I tell her to stop crying I’ll be repressing her feelings

Why would you want to teach her that crying is not okay? And screaming? She's expressing her emotions. Crying is okay. Screaming (in upset) is okay. Emotions: valid, certain behaviours: not okay. Okay the emotion. Don't allow the behaviour that is genuinely not okay, for example hitting. I think the problem is you are trying to 'calm her down' and have the perception that you can do that, when the best thing to do is let her feel her emotions, allow them to run their course, and be there for her. You don't have to stop her feelings and nor should you and it's not your job to stop them. I see parents run into problems a lot when trying to 'calm down' a toddler. The more you try and get them to stop being upset or angry (which is what you're doing when you try to calm them down) the more unheard or invalidated they feel. Imagine if you're legitimately upset about something that happened to you and someone came over and was like 'calm down, it's not that big a deal, shhhh', how would that make you feel? Enraged probably, misunderstood, and hurt.

I don't even consider myself necessarily a 'gentle parent' but I do parent with compassion, validate his emotions, hold boundaries I've set and let him feel the way he feels. So if he wants a certain cup I'll give him it, why wouldn't I? Even adults have a favourite cup. If he's having a tantrum because of something he wants that isn't reasonable or doable (for example last night a tantrum over wanting to flip the pancakes in the boiling hot pan) I just comfort and validate. 'I know honey, I know you feel so sad, you really want to flip those pancakes don't you? It's tough when you can't do something you really want to do! I understand. I'm here for you. I love you' while holding and stroking him as he moves through the emotions. Once you let go of the idea that emotions are something to be controlled and suppressed parenting a toddler gets much easier!

Her feelings about the cup are valid. And remember it's not even always about the 'thing' it seems to be about. Maybe she had something happen that day at nursery that upset her she can't verbalise and now her emotions are all coming out over the cup. Respect them, get on their level, and try understand that their feelings are just as valid as ours.

Take a look at Dr Becky and her videos on parenting - she uses real lif examples

It's not really about the cup! Sometimes little children have emotions building up and they need to let them out, a minor trigger like the wrong cup or a broken biscuit just provides the catalyst for a release.

There are other ways to teach your child coping strategies. Breathing techniques work brilliantly with my class as well as fiddly tools to re centre themselves. Saying ‘I know it’s hard when you can’t have things you want’ (or something relevant to the situation). You’re validating their feelings and then you can move onto feeling better. I do a thing where the children breath in as you trace up your fingers and then breathe out as you go down. You have to teach the children this when they’re regulated for them to be able to do this when they need it. Follow good morning ms foster or courageous cubs on Instagram. They’re educators but a lot is relevant!

Totally agree

I'm so interested in this. I definitely was not allowed to be upset or angry and I now really struggle to sit with any strong negative feelings - I feel almost a propulsion to express them in a very uncontrolled way which is often not good for me or the other person. I was thinking just today that I need to try and reparent myself by asking myself similar questions to 'what are you feeling?', ''how big is it?' etc.

I think punching cushions and ripping paper is generally seen as a bad idea these days, as it's encouraging the child to express their emotions by destroying things. If you have a twelve year old punching people then yes, getting them to punch a cushion is better, but for a toddler I wouldn't encourage it as a way of handling feelings.

I think the idea is to show empathy for their feelings eg "oh no your biscuit snapped in two, that's a pain!" Rather than "don't be ridiculous just eat the biscuit". You are putting it into perspective for them, by acknowledging that it isn't great but also showing it's not a total disaster and can be solved.

I totally understand the struggle, and the worry if you’re doing right/ wrong - are you repressing feelings? Giving the wrong message? Reinforcing the behaviour? Etc etc

Id honestly ask yourself 1) why can’t she have the cup? If it’s unavailable/ in the dishwasher or she’s already changed her mind four times then ok she can’t. But if you know she has a particular favourite, or it’s simply a case of pouring a bit of water from one cup to the other then why not let her have the one she wants? It’s unlikely to turn her into some kind of delinquent, and easier to just pick your battles.

Try to set the environment up for her to be able to make choices in the first place - put some plastic cups in a low cupboard or basket and ask her to go choose one before you make her drink.

2. Why do you need her to calm down so quickly? Whether it’s a big deal to you or not, it feels like a big deal to her in the moment. So let her have her moment. You don’t need to teach her anything mid tantrum - and it won’t work anyway. A two year old loudly sobbing about a cup may well be a pain in the arse, but it’s developmentally appropriate and she’s unlikely to still be doing it (regularly anyway) in a couple of years.

I have found as well if I’m just really calm and monotone saying ‘oh you’re upset about the cup’ it makes bugger all difference, but If I try to match the emotion a bit and put some emphasis in, ‘wow you feel SO sad, you REALLY wanted that cup’ it works better. Then as everyone else has said, ‘we don’t have that one right now, I will make sure it’s here at dinner time, right now you can have milk or water in this cup, do you want to help me pour ….’ Or if really not ready for that then either sit nearby/ get on with jobs but reiterate I’m there and she can have a hug when she needs one

I don't have DC so take this with a pinch of salt but for me I would think

The cup is like the last straw for some reason, like when you've had a bad day and drop something, any other day it would be minor but that day makes you cry/angry/go FFS

Also they can't compare. So the wrong cup is a tiny thing to use because we've experienced much bigger/worse things but to them it's the biggest thing in their whole day/week, so their reaction is proportionate to how I dunno, crashing our car would be to us?

Again, no DC so I might be way out!