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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Expecting ExH to come to his senses?

33 replies

ThisIsMyHappyFacee · 21/02/2023 13:03

We were together 25 years, some good, some bad. He's 10 years older than me, 58, and over the past few years he'd become quite happy doing his own thing, mainly drinking and gambling at weekends, as he worked nights during the week, leaving me to always do things alone with the kids. I was very lonely so decided to leave and now divorced and live alone with youngest child. This was 18 months ago.

I'm not sure what I expected but this life is not what I'd hoped for. I'm lonely and bored and really miss having a partner, or just someone there who shares life, kids with you. ExH on the other hand is very happy being alone, doing what he wants and because he drinks at weekends our youngest doesn't want to go there so he barely sees him which means I never get a break. I'm raising our youngest (12) alone basically with no help whatsoever from him, gives me £100 a month which is nothing. He tells me this is what I wanted so I need to get on with it. He never takes youngest anywhere and is very set in his routine of going to the bookies and getting pissed, alone at weekends.

We have 3 children together and a lovely grandchild who he barley sees. I just can't get my head around how he can be happy living this life when he could have so much more if he would just realise what he's missing out on. I've hoped numerous times over the past 18 months that he'll come to his senses and promise to be a better husband/father and want a normal life. I know I should probably move on but I can't because I keep hoping he'll change but in my heart I know that's not going to happen. I even text him last night and said I'd met someone in the hope he would be shocked into changing his ways but all is said was he hopes I'm happy and he's happy for me and if I ever need someone to talk to he's there!! It's made me feel a million times worse. How do I move on?

OP posts:

Lambchop1 · 21/02/2023 13:06

You need to draw a line under him. He is selfish and should be left to wallow. It’s all great now, but wait when he is too old to go out and gamble and he is sat alone with no one to give a shit about him - he will be regretting it all then!
find clubs and online lessons/courses to engage in and make friends. Get other parents to help you with sleepovers/childcare and you can return the favour another time. It’s time to stop grieving for the life you should have had and make choices to live a good life now.

Eyerollcentral · 21/02/2023 13:09

Have you met someone? If not it’s really manipulative of you to text him that. In a way I agree with him. Yes he should be doing more with his children esp the youngest, however you did want to split with him and you have. Again it seems like you have tried to manipulate him in to changing his behaviour. It might do you good to speak to a counsellor about this and consider how you interact with others. You can’t change his behaviour, only your own.

Stressfordays · 21/02/2023 13:09

Don't play silly games like trying to make him jealous. Just get on with your life and make the best of what you have. You can be the best parent and grandparent you can be, you can't make him.

HiccupHorrendousHaddock · 21/02/2023 13:11

YABVU.

You divorced him. Move on.

SecretVictoria · 21/02/2023 13:14

YABU. You decided to split and now you’re complaining that he doesn’t want to get back together! Why would he?

BreviloquentBastard · 21/02/2023 13:14

He wasn't a present husband and father when you were married, and you're expecting him to magically become one after you've split up? I'm sorry but I do think you have your head in the clouds.

He sounds lazy and self absorbed, and he obviously has no desire to be a husband or father, so I think really you need to draw a line under him and start moving forward with your child. Sending him texts to try and make him jealous like you're in high school is silly and embarrassing. It sounds like he's quite content as he is so you need to find your happiness now and stop hinging it on him!

TeaAndTattoos · 21/02/2023 13:15

I agree with all the above posters and your Ex DH you’ve got what you wanted you’ve divorced him and living the life that you wanted you need to leave him alone and move on you sound very manipulative telling him your seeing someone when your not just to make him jealous. YABU find something to do with your time and enjoy being on your own without worrying about what your ex is up to. In the nicest possible way you need to get a grip and focus on the things that you can control and ignore the things that you can’t change or control that’s for your ex to worry about not you.

Danneigh · 21/02/2023 13:15

He sounds awful, I'm not sure why you would even want a relationship with him! He might realise one day that he has wasted his life drinking and gambling, but you can't make him realise that.

RockGirl · 21/02/2023 13:58

If you don't think that what he is giving you is enough then put a CMS claim in.

www.gov.uk/calculate-child-maintenance

Original poster

ThisIsMyHappyFacee · 21/02/2023 18:49

I've never thought of myself as manipulative before. I think I'm just damaged from the relationship, more than I realise. I'm 48 but feel like a child all the time, and I have low self esteem and think nobody will ever want to be with me so I keep going back to him

OP posts:

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 21/02/2023 18:58

All I can say is - you will get breaks v soon. Your youngest is 12 so on the verge of going off and doing their own thing for some of the weekend etc.

Your ex is a loser. Don’t go back to that!

Eyerollcentral · 21/02/2023 19:06

ThisIsMyHappyFacee · 21/02/2023 18:49

Can you see how your actions here have been manipulative though? Just because you have low self esteem doesn’t rule out being manipulative, in fact it’s quite common. People who have a strong sense of self don’t need to try and manipulate others. You need to forget about your ex husband and really focus on improving how you feel about yourself. You can do it, you are only 48, you can have a happy relationship. Your marriage doesn’t sound like it was great. You don’t need a useless man to complete you, you’ve clearly had enough of that already. Put a claim in for cms and get in to counselling, do the freedom programme.

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 21/02/2023 19:16

You will never be able to compete with the drink and gambling. Would one of your older dc be able to have the 12yr old once a week so you can join a club or hobby? Maybe you could baby sit the grandchild sometimes in return. In time you might meet someone but for now just see if you can find some hobbies. What did you enjoy doing before you had the children?

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/02/2023 19:18

You’ve lied about seeing someone, how was that going to make him want to get back together with you?! He’d be very disrespectful if he made a move after that. It’s clear he’s over you, probably was for a while given his detachment during the marriage.

You got what you wanted. It’s sad for you it wasn’t what you’d hoped. But you’re clear about his failings as a husband and your reasons for ditching him so stop looking back with rose tinted glasses and move on. It sounds like what you’re missing is the money?

If he’s not paying the CMS minimum then open a claim with them. Beyond that, his relationships with his DC and GDC is his bus

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/02/2023 19:19

Oops.

Is his his business so stop wasting your time and energy stressing about it.

Build the life you want and be as happy as you can.

KindlyKanga · 21/02/2023 19:27

I even text him last night and said I'd met someone in the hope he would be shocked that's so manipulative

pinkfondu · 21/02/2023 19:29

You need some counselling. Even if you instigated this it's still a massive change

Pardon44 · 21/02/2023 19:33

I think you need to have therapy. You sound ground down and lacking in self esteem. You need to build yourself back up. What do you like doing? Whatever it is you need to do that. Your youngest is 12 they can fend for themselves a few hours a week or visit with their sibling for you to have a break. Also contact child maintenance or check online you are receiving the right amount of maintenance.

Write a list of all the shit things your exh did and every time you romanticise about being a family take a look and remember what exactly that looked like.

Randomactsofspanking · 21/02/2023 19:49

Have you tried tinder, bumble or AFF?
might be worth getting out there a bit and seeing what’s on the market.
You will probably find there is way better than him available.
do you not get a break when your child goes to school? Or are they home schooled?

Silvers11 · 21/02/2023 19:50

There was a post a few days ago about whether people stay together for convenience after a long time or whether there is still lots of love. Replies were varied but some clearly felt that even although their relationships were not perfect, they preferred to 'compromise' for the benefits that being married gave them than Divorce:
www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4746097-25-years-married#aibu-poll

So I understand that there are many things you are missing now you are single - but you were unhappy enough to instigate a divorce - and from what you say, with very, very good reasons. So even if your ex decided he wanted to come back, nothing will have changed and you will be just as unhappy again, but over different things is all.

Your son is 12 and will be more independent from here on in. You CAN make yourself a satisfying new life, but it will take time - and I do think some counselling would probably help you to deal with your low self-esteem. You need to put your Ex firmly in the past as far as a relationship with him is concerned and start doing things and making new friends. You CAN do this, but while you still hope your ex will 'come to his senses' - which he won't, you are denying yourself the opportunity to get to a better place without him.

Starlightstarbright1 · 21/02/2023 20:01

Your Ds is 12.. so you are approaching the age when he can be left longer and longer.

it seems like reading the divorce/ text last night is hoping for the light bulb moment.

he has shown you who he is ….

you need to move on . Time to explore hobbies/exercise/ groups build yourself and friendships up

PennyForearm · 21/02/2023 20:10

At the very least, put a claim in through CMS for maintenance. £100 a month is a pittance when he's got plenty of cash to piss up the wall and put over the bookies counter.

rothbury · 21/02/2023 20:19

You definitely should put in a CMS claim.

To be honest, he has come to his senses. You say yourself, he’s living his life exactly as he wants. It sounds shit to you and me, but it’s what he has chosen.

Please get some counselling before you try to start dating again, or there’s a good chance you’ll end up with another rotter. If your self esteem was better, you wouldn’t have your sense of worth wrapped up in some bloke anyway and might enjoy being single.

Quitelikeit · 21/02/2023 20:26

Why is he only paying £100

I feel for you. You’re not the first woman to come on here and say exactly the same thing.

It might not be too late to go back but I bet it’d be harder than you imagine

have you still been seeing each other for sex after your split?

Original poster

ThisIsMyHappyFacee · 21/02/2023 20:36

Thank you all so much, you've really helped me see things clearer and I am definitely romanticising everything with rose tinted glasses! I agree I could do with some therapy. To get back with him would be a terrible idea! Youngest is becoming a bit more independent but he does have a chronic illness and I do home educate him so it's tough at times. I'm scared if I'm honest to go through CMS as when I've mentioned it before he flipped and said he'd quit his job then we'd all have nothing! I've done the whole writing everything thing down and then delete it when we're "getting on" but I really should keep reminding myself of what he's really all about. I know that he uses me for running him around etc. We don't meet for sex, no, I just feel like I have to prove to him all the time that I'm not a bad person and not at fault but he literally blames me for every single thing.

OP posts:

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