25 years married

[Apennyforyourthoughtsplease]

Is it unreasonable after 25 years, being totally honest, to think a relationship partly continues because of convenience, children, houses, finances, and more platonic love than a sexual love and being happy ‘ enough’. ‘ just enough sex’ ‘ just enough romance’ Rather than deep connection, passions and physical attraction?

He he been an hour!…. Maybe the answer is no ! 😬

To a certain extent I suspect so for many people. I think a realisation that the grass isn't always greener is helpful too. My exh left me after 27 years together "for something different" yet now realises that grass is definitely a lonely mud patch.

Of course not. This is probably a best case scenario for the majority of couples.

There’s no such thing as “the one” and anyone you marry or settle with is just one of a potentially infinite number of partners you could have chosen.

Of course there has to be some initial attraction and compatibility and respectful behaviour and trust is essential but what makes a marriage survive long term is often more down to the things you have listed.

It comes down to that point about love being a verb not a noun. I am not of the opinion that a marriage needs to be endlessly “worked at” and I dislike this phrase as I think having to work at anything that hard means something isn’t right. But it does depend on a large amount of basic compatibility, pragmatism and compromise.

For my parents it certainly is that - not sure how long they have been married but probably around 40 years. I sometimes wonder if they even like each other anymore. Convenience definitely is the key reason why they're still together.

I don't think that's unreasonable. I'm not married (and I'm not reducing your marriage to the following, although I'm sure several people will arrive soon to try and spin it that way) but LOADS of people stick with their, for example, phone company, energy supplier, job, etc simply because it's reliable, easy, it's what they know and they don't want to risk anything by making changes. So when you add in platonic love, children, a mortgage, a history and everything else I don't think it's unreasonable to think a relationship is continuing just because of convenience. Maybe that might be the reason why some people in relationships have affairs?

After 25 years, if you still even get on, you're probably one of the luckier ones. It's why I think as a society we should be more accepting that relationships can just run their course and be more open to moving on. If it's financially possible. I'm nearly 50 and single and definitely one of the happiest in my friendship group.

Thank you for responses. I’m finding them all interesting. I am surrounded by divorced friends in the throws of new exciting relationships with partners that seem amazing ! They have suggested my plodding along …. And that I may not be brave enough to leave and that you should never stay for any of the reasons above.

I think it’s true for a lot of couples.
The reality of ‘starting again’ is too daunting for a lot of people. It can be too hard financially. Having to buy 2 separate houses, 2 decent t cars, run both households on the same income is not easy. I believe that is why a lot of people turn a blind eye to adultery and did respect. I see many couples who have been together a long time and they treat each other like crap tbh. To them it’s better than the alternative.
However I see other couples who still seem smitten with each other. Thinking about it the seemingly happy couples all have nice, big houses in good areas, enjoy lots holidays away and seem to have plenty of money. Perhaps the 2 are intertwined.

There is something to be said for plodding along vs exciting new stuff.

In my friend group all the excitement fizzles out and most of my friends are now single, juggling life alone.

I personally think the key is to have independent partnerships, I'm 20 years married, pretty much suit myself in terms of where I go, what I do and who I see. Same for DH we respect each other, get on well, I'd say yes we are bored of each other but we have really busy fulfilling lives and the stability and advantages of being in a relationship outweighs the short term excitement of a new person.

I've been with my DH 22 years. We are still together because we are still in love with each other. Yes the burning sexual desire is more of a flickering flame these days but we are ageing together. I never think I wish I was elsewhere with someone else. He's my soulmate. Our love has been tried and tested but we have a very deep foundation that in the tough times keeps us afloat.

I think its true for some yes. I've been married 24 years, still just as attracted to him as I was when we met. We love our time together, holidays, days out. Nothings changed for us. It is possible, quite a few of my friends seem in the same situation as us too. Couple of our friends seem like they are putting a front up though.

Married 30 years here. From my POV we’re still together for convenience, company, the house and the kids.
No attraction whatsoever, sleep in separate rooms due to his snoring and nightmares, no sex for a couple of years due to resentment and the ick.

But are children, houses, finances and platonic love lesser than passion and sex? I think not so long as there is respect and mutual care.

Be wary of your friends. People like to see others do as they do. Any diversion from that can be seen as a criticism.

You say you’re plodding along whilst they are in the throes of passion and excitement currently. That’s their framing of the narrative. You could reframe it as you not throwing away a long-term relationship with all the good things that brings for short-term gratification and risk. That’s where the excitement is for them. It’s risky and new, and that is erotic.

Read ‘Mating in Captivity’ by Esther Perel. She explores this very issue in long-term relationships.

My parents are very happy together after 45 years.

I also think there’s something where people make a mistake and aren’t happy, but put on a face and say they are, then encourage others to do the same. It’s almost like they want others to suffer like they do.

⬆️ This

New relationships are always exciting. I’d give your friends a few years and then they might feel differently about their amazing new partners!

I’ve been married twice. Been with dh now for more than 15 years. We’ve had lots of ups and downs, disability to contend with, terminal illnesses in the family, all sorts. We are very much “family” and I can’t imagine being with anyone else but sure we’re not exactly swinging from the chandeliers sexually like we were. Who cares. I do think the way the media push sex etc it’s very misleading as most long term relationships aren’t like that in my experience and in those that I know of.

Thank you all for sharing. Making a lot of sense

Blooming heck, are your divorced friends goading you into leaving your DH?!?

I think there's a lot to be said for long term marriages / relationships in terms of friendship and stability (even if the passion has gone) and I for one wouldn't give that up 'on the off-chance' I might meet someone more exciting.

If I wasn't happy in my marriage and could afford to leave, then that's another story entirely.

I guess I'm one of those who 'goad' my friends in to leaving. Because I've seen both sides. And I'm blown away with how much happier I am divorced. Whether I'm single or dating, both are so much better. Not from happy marriages of course (only know very few people in those!), but from those who I can see clearly are miserable, and plod along because there's nothing really 'wrong'. I think most women put themselves last behind their husband and children and don't even allow themselves to think that divorce is an option.

We have been married for 32 years, together for almost 35.

I love DH more now than I did more than 30 years ago. I also find him as attractive now as I did then. He isn't the golden, sporty chap he was then but not bad for 61 either. Even if the physical side doesn't have the frequency of former years we still cuddle every night.

Throughout our relationship we have both retained some independence and have always been happy to do some stuff together and some stuff individually.

I don't care what anyone says. He was the one for me and vice versa.

We have been through so much. The joys of new babies, the drudge of sleepless nights, the flooded kitchen, the sick baby and children's broken bones. We have buried a son born ill and too soon, lost our grandparents and fathers. We have learnt how each other copes in a crisis and the space we each need. As well as enduring each others' irritating ways. His tidyness/my untidiness. His pedantry/my 80/20 rule. His workaholism/my juggling.

Married nearly 28 years here, and we plod along, with disability in the mix, but being friends helps, the sex has fizzled out for a long time but I am not bothered. I could leave but and have money to buy in a cheaper area but the idea of having affair and find someone new is repulsive to me. So yes I think we stay for the convenience.

We've been together 34 years, married 24, he irritates me, drives me nuts. I still love and fancy him,he makes me laugh. We Finnish each others sentences. I had a normal happy childhood,apart from being an only child which I hated. His M walked out, went of with another man when he was 7. Then his wife cheated, went off with a teenager. He had a dog, decided that was what made him ok. My DM was dying,his DF who brought him up had just died. He had a lot of mental issues because of this. Serious phobias. My DM was dying in the hospital where I was nursing, because of the incompetent Dr, I left went back to office work,met second DH. We're together because we want to be. He was brilliant with my DKs,we have one together.

I don't think this has to be the case but maybe is for lots of people. I've been with my partner for 19 years so not quite the 25 you talk about. We're still very much in love and have lived together since our first year.

But honestly I think we're the exception amongst friends and family. Either people separate after this long or aren't happy. Most of that is to do with the men being fairly shit if I'm honest. (thinking about the heterosexual relationship I know)

@Apennyforyourthoughtsplease

Sorry didn't mean to add that random tag!