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AIBU?

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Original poster

This situation is destroying me

53 replies

Gerbera0 · 21/02/2023 11:51

We have been married for 2 years and in our late 30s (no kids).
everything was great between us (or so I thought) until he blindsided me one day that he wanted a divorce. This was completely out the blue and a terrible shock as I had zero idea he wasn’t happy. Long story short we decided to stay together after a lot of discussion but I found out 9 months later that he had been having an affair with a woman at his work the whole time (removing his wedding ring every day at work and spending a lot of time with her, booking hotel rooms etc).
when I found out he did the predictable thing of pleading for me to stay and being very apologetic every day for a few months. He swore to me it was completely over between them and he has been getting home every day from work at 4pm and spending all of his evenings and weekends with me and not being secretive with his phone etc.
its been incredibly traumatic but I have been trying to slowly process everything and try and make our marriage work.
anyway, yesterday I looked on her Facebook and saw that my husband is on her friends list (he wasn’t on it last week).
when I confronted him he got very angry and defensive and has barely spoken to me since.
is it just me or does he have some serious audacity to be annoyed with me about this?!
I don’t know what to do now. He has completely shut down and being very hostile since I confronted him. We live in his house which he had before we married. I am due inheritance next year which will enable me to get my own mortgage. Until then I feel trapped and have no one to speak to or anywhere to go other than to stay here. I feel suicidal

OP posts:
123rd · 21/02/2023 11:54

I've not been in your situation BUT if my friend was I would tell her to leave. Straight away. Do you have anyone you can stay with ?
Waiting a year for your inheritance would do you no good.
He is an arsehole. Don't give him the opportunity to upset you anymore. He has lied and will continue to lie. You are worth more than that

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 21/02/2023 11:55

The marriage is over OP, I'm sorry,
Can you afford to rent/ move home until your inheritance is through.
So sorry you've been treated like this.

Merkins · 21/02/2023 12:01

If you intend to leave when you get your inheritance then I’d advise you to leave now. Get the divorce sorted before he gets his hands on your money.

The next year will be painful, but it’s better than staying in a relationship that leaves you feeling like this. It WILL get better, but right now you have to protect yourself and do the best thing for you long-term.

ComeTheFckOnBridget · 21/02/2023 12:02

Divorce him before your inheritance comes through, don't waste any time.

Dotjones · 21/02/2023 12:03

You'd be better leaving immediately and getting the divorce out of the way before you get your inheritance. That way there's more of a chance of you getting a decent chunk of his assets whilst he won't be able to get much from you. Even if you have to get a place in a houseshare somewhere for the time being, long term you'd be better off getting it over and done with as soon as possible.

Ithinkimthebfg · 21/02/2023 12:04

I’m sorry, I think he’s back with her or going there.

don’t worry about the inheritance right now, generally it’s ringfenced in a divorce.

Mrsdragonfly · 21/02/2023 12:06

Leave him immediately. You have no ties apart from emotional. You deserve much better.

Original poster
Gerbera0 · 21/02/2023 12:07

thats why I confronted him about being friends with her on social media again as I’m assuming he’s considering pursuing things with her again (if he isn’t already) or she is trying to worm her way back in again.

I could maybe rent somewhere but it would be very tight as rentals are expensive here. I don’t have friends or family nearby. I don’t know what to do about my dog though. She is the most important thing in my life and most rentals won’t allow dogs. I obviously would never have got a dog with him if I had known who he really was but I was lovebombed beforehand into believing we were very happy together

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 21/02/2023 12:08

Don't throw your life away for this loser, believe me. Get rid and move on. There is nothing worth saving here.

MsMarch · 21/02/2023 12:09

It doesn't actually matter whether he's back with her or not. The reality is that you don't trust him still and he resents that. It's a no win situation.

I would leave. I don't know what you would be able to get in the case of a divorce, but at this point, without children and just 2 years in, get out as quick as you can. Go sleep on a friend's couch for a few weeks and then find somewhere to rent while you go through the divorce process.

Leirvassbu · 21/02/2023 12:10

Leave asap.
Start looking for a rental place today.
I know it's really hard with a dog but some places do allow pets.
You should start divorce proceedings before you get your inheritance.

Daliah · 21/02/2023 12:13

I’m sorry but your marriage is dead. You’re trying to revive a corpse.

I’d get out now and start divorce proceedings. What access to money do you have? Do you earn enough to rent somewhere?

Harlow19 · 21/02/2023 12:24

I’m so sorry OP

It sounds like the marriage has been over since before he told you he wanted a divorce. Did he give you reasons as to why he was unhappy?

I know it is probably incredibly painful but he has shown to you that he is no longer wanting to be in this marriage. From the moment he asked for a divorce, it sounds like he has been ready to leave the relationship but perhaps been stringing you along a bit. Adding the same woman who he had an affair with back on Facebook as well is so disrespectful.

I’m not sure if anyone has already mentioned this - but how can you be happy? You obviously went looking on her Facebook because (rightly so) you are still hurt. But you are wasting time with him and worrying about her.

I would leave him, I know you have given some reasons as to why you can’t go now but this is just going to get worse. Especially if you get your inheritance in - there’s no way you’d want him to have any of that!

Again, so sorry you are going through this but I hope you do the strong thing and leave, now

TheShellBeach · 21/02/2023 12:25

How horrible of him.
I'm very sorry he's putting you through this. You don't deserve it at all.
I'm also very concerned that you're feeling suicidal. Can you get an emergency doctor's appointment? Some medication for anxiety and depression would help you.
And ring the Samaritans. Please don't think of ending your life over this, OP. Your husband is not worth it, truly he isn't.

Harlow19 · 21/02/2023 12:26

I know it’s horrible but you can’t beg someone to love you or stay with you. If he wanted to he would x

Forfrigz · 21/02/2023 12:40

Define what your standards are and stick to them. Personally mine would include the man not getting angry at me for his own fuck ups. It's not your fault he's a wasteman.

Mildmanneredmum · 21/02/2023 12:42

Inheritances are not "ring fenced" in a divorce. My ExH said he wouldn't come after the inheritance I got from my mum, then absolutely did and got it. Quite legally. His father died just after the divorce and of course I didn't get a penny from that inheritance.

Lambchop1 · 21/02/2023 12:48

Sending you hugs OP. But he has definitely started back to his old tricks - or at least he is contemplating them again. Either way it’s time to wave goodbye.
it looks scary now, but work out a calm plan. You know you have money coming, so just work out a plan and ask friends and family for help.
go out of the house for entire days and evenings, you don’t have to tell him where you are going and he has no right to ask. it’ll give you chance to think and start getting yourself together. Then, when you are ready, just move out, and enact your plan.

MelloYellow · 21/02/2023 12:48

Utterly bizarre that he would befriend her on a social media platform that would allow you to see he has done so?!?
did he want you to see?
What made you check?
either way it’s time to go
speak to shelter or citizens advice and get out of there before your inheritance.

1FootInTheRave · 21/02/2023 12:51

Get out now and retain some self respect.

thetrees · 21/02/2023 12:52

Talk to a lawyer, divorce him before you get your inheritance. Honestly, this can only go one way.

Takingthepiss · 21/02/2023 12:53

Gerbera0 · 21/02/2023 12:07

thats why I confronted him about being friends with her on social media again as I’m assuming he’s considering pursuing things with her again (if he isn’t already) or she is trying to worm her way back in again.

I could maybe rent somewhere but it would be very tight as rentals are expensive here. I don’t have friends or family nearby. I don’t know what to do about my dog though. She is the most important thing in my life and most rentals won’t allow dogs. I obviously would never have got a dog with him if I had known who he really was but I was lovebombed beforehand into believing we were very happy together

@Gerbera0 honestly I feel like if he’s not seeing her already it’s on the cards

which he holds…. It’s his house, he knows you’ve got nowhere or very little options in moving out and he knows probably you are due a windfall.

that’s before we get to the endless duplicity and lies. He’s an utter snake.

what about trying to find a house share? I know it’s not ideal long term but just til you can get back on your feet. i reckon there will be people out there who would love to Rent their spare room to someone with a pup. I know I would have!

you absolutely do need to start divorce proceedings prior to your inheritance though. If you do not do this you must absolutely ring fence it in an account solely in your name and DO NOT spend any of it on anything marital or your Marital home. Not a fucking penny. That alongside you keeping any and all evidence of your ongoing marital issues pre inheritance (messages texts emails solicitor letters etc) will show a judge that your inheritance is not a marital asset but falls outside of the marriage

with regards to the marital home. If you have contributed in anyway (rent, renovations etc) then you can try to claim beneficial interest to try and get some more money in your divorce but to be fair if you are childless and the inheritance allows you to buy yourself a home I’d just walk away from the slime bag

MyPurpleHeart · 21/02/2023 12:55

Nobody deserves to spend their lives wondering if the person they love is loving them back or lying to them.

WinterfellsStarbucksConcession · 21/02/2023 13:00

As others have said get out now, don't wait till he's entitled to half your inheritance.

scarecrow22 · 21/02/2023 13:04

First OP, please go to your doctor. Not for pills and a brush off, but for support. Your GP can tell you which charities locally can offer somebody to talk to and other help. If they are worried enough about your suicidal feelings, they can ask the Home Treatment Team to visit, or check-ins with a mental health nurse. You need to be strong to have more confidence to choose the right path.

In addition , talk to Citizens Advice Bureau about the right way to leave, what you are entitled to and so on. If you have any proof of infidelity keep it. They might also advise about renting with a dog.