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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

This situation is destroying me

53 replies

Gerbera0 · 21/02/2023 11:51

We have been married for 2 years and in our late 30s (no kids).
everything was great between us (or so I thought) until he blindsided me one day that he wanted a divorce. This was completely out the blue and a terrible shock as I had zero idea he wasn’t happy. Long story short we decided to stay together after a lot of discussion but I found out 9 months later that he had been having an affair with a woman at his work the whole time (removing his wedding ring every day at work and spending a lot of time with her, booking hotel rooms etc).
when I found out he did the predictable thing of pleading for me to stay and being very apologetic every day for a few months. He swore to me it was completely over between them and he has been getting home every day from work at 4pm and spending all of his evenings and weekends with me and not being secretive with his phone etc.
its been incredibly traumatic but I have been trying to slowly process everything and try and make our marriage work.
anyway, yesterday I looked on her Facebook and saw that my husband is on her friends list (he wasn’t on it last week).
when I confronted him he got very angry and defensive and has barely spoken to me since.
is it just me or does he have some serious audacity to be annoyed with me about this?!
I don’t know what to do now. He has completely shut down and being very hostile since I confronted him. We live in his house which he had before we married. I am due inheritance next year which will enable me to get my own mortgage. Until then I feel trapped and have no one to speak to or anywhere to go other than to stay here. I feel suicidal

OP posts:
Irrelevantdata · 21/02/2023 13:06

Agree with PP's I'm afraid OP, this is over. On a side note don't take 'no pets' on a estate agents listing as gospel, landlords often haven't specified one way or the other so agents just put it as default, doesn't mean the landlord won't consider it once you get into the application process.

SunshineAndFizz · 21/02/2023 13:08

Leave now.

Firsttimemum120 · 21/02/2023 13:08

GET OUT NOW, do not wait as others have said until he’s entitled to half of your inheritance that being said I wouldn’t go for half of his either unless I’d been contributing to mortgage payments and it be logged. He also now will believe you will forgive him every time he fails you and your marriage because you have this time. He does not respect you and will not ever until you leave and make him see and understand that you are perfectly capable and fine with being by yourself and living that way too. He will do it again whether it’s the same woman or not the same woman.

Sellsellseller · 21/02/2023 13:12

If you’re married leave now!!! Before the inheritance comes into play. His stringing it out on purpose!

Prettypaisleyslippers · 21/02/2023 13:15

I think that he is showing you that he is behaving, getting home on time, being nice to you etc until you let your guard down, start trusting him again and he will be back seeing her. He added her on Fb for a reason. How much annual leave does he have? has he taken days that you haven’t known about?

You can get rentals with pets, will need to be pre approved by landlord but totally doable.

get rid of him and divorced before you get your inheritance

Crumpleton · 21/02/2023 13:23

ComeTheFckOnBridget · 21/02/2023 12:02

Divorce him before your inheritance comes through, don't waste any time.

This.
Pretty sure any inheritance will be taken as a marital asset so he'll be able to claim half.
If you're going to divorce do it before.

And make sure you get a final financial agreement in place if you divorce or he could still claim half once divorced.

Velvetween · 21/02/2023 13:23

OP if you are feeling suicidal please get support in real life. From GP, friends, family. Some good practical advice here. Don’t lose hope - this is a truly crap experience - but you can and will emerge from it better off.

GoldDuster · 21/02/2023 13:32

Firstly get some real life help with your mental health, book an appointment with your GP, reach out to a trusted friend or family member or a local group for help.

Practically, unfortunately he isn't staying with you because he values the marriage and he wants to rebuild. He has a motive, likely to be the house and how assets might be divided in the divorce.

Don't let your inheritance get involved with this, a clean break asap might be hard, but it will do you more favours in the long run.

After you've called the GP, make an appointment with a solicitor, to find out what the situation would be should you divorce him, and make some moves to find somewhere to rent in the interim. Don't tell him what you're doing, he's not on your side. Back yourself now.

You won't feel like this forever, it will get better, you will be happy again, when your life doesn't include him.

Abitofalark · 21/02/2023 13:35

As you are going through the worst stage of a shattering crisis, to the point of feeling suicidal, please go to your doctor and do not even think of dealing with this on your own. Also phone the Samaritans and any women's voluntary aid, befriending, counselling or mental support groups in your area - local councils usually have details of local groups.

You need that human contact in real life, as well as from the remote but valuable mumsnet. With help, the fear and panic will gradually lessen and you will be able to start thinking of plans and practicalities. But that moment isn't now. For now you need to keep yourself safe and take one step at a time.

SlaveToTheVibe · 21/02/2023 13:38

You must start proceedings before he is able to get his paws on your inheritance

Original poster
Gerbera0 · 21/02/2023 13:43

Thank you everyone. I am making a list of everything I need to organise. I feel completely broken and have never felt rock bottom like this before. Everything seems to be going wrong.I had thought we were really happy together but he said he had a 9 month affair with her because she was new and exciting

OP posts:
Irrelevantdata · 21/02/2023 14:09

I had thought we were really happy together but he said he had a 9 month affair with her because she was new and exciting

And that's why he is nowhere near good enough for you, 'new and exciting' was more important to him than what he already had, he has no loyalty or staying power and, though it won't feel like it right now, you will be better off without him. Essentially he's defective, he can't provide the commitment or loyalty he promised and so he doesn't make the grade. This is not your failure, it's his Flowers

GoldDuster · 21/02/2023 14:12

he had a 9 month affair with her because she was new and exciting

You know what feels new and exciting? Divorcing a lying cheating scumbag like this one and moving on leaving him behind with his shitty ways.

RealBecca · 21/02/2023 14:21

Gerbera0 · 21/02/2023 12:07

thats why I confronted him about being friends with her on social media again as I’m assuming he’s considering pursuing things with her again (if he isn’t already) or she is trying to worm her way back in again.

I could maybe rent somewhere but it would be very tight as rentals are expensive here. I don’t have friends or family nearby. I don’t know what to do about my dog though. She is the most important thing in my life and most rentals won’t allow dogs. I obviously would never have got a dog with him if I had known who he really was but I was lovebombed beforehand into believing we were very happy together

Start your divorce. Theres no reason you have to be the one to move out. Some charities will foster your pets for you if needs be

DollyDaydream23 · 21/02/2023 14:27

Like others i would leave and start the divorce process immediately, you will struggle to trust him again and always be wondering. You might also feel a sense of peace and relief by leaving and being on your own.

Could he have be begging for you to forgive him because he knew you were getting this money?

This is a chance for you to start over and be in a somewhat good situation to do so.

Please seek help though if you are feeling suicidal, just remember you are worth more than he ever will, he is a cheat and will realise what he has lost and by then you will be happier than ever without him.

KettrickenSmiled · 21/02/2023 14:27

is it just me or does he have some serious audacity to be annoyed with me about this?!
Take comfort that it's certainly NOT just you ... this is straight from the Utterly Predicatable Cheat's Script.
He is demonising you for having the cheek to suss him out.

I don’t know what to do now. He has completely shut down and being very hostile since I confronted him. We live in his house which he had before we married.
Try to ignore him, his hostility, & anything he says to you. Just keep your head down & play your cards close to your chest while you plan.
With a short marriage & no children, you are unlikely to benefit from any of his assets - but don't take anyone's word for that, see a laywer asap. Don't tell him that you are going legal. Don't tell him anything!

I am due inheritance next year which will enable me to get my own mortgage. Until then I feel trapped and have no one to speak to or anywhere to go other than to stay here.
You need to get into a cold & practical mindset asap.
And to divorce your cheat before he starts getting ideas about YOUR inheritance. That money is for YOU, & your future security.
If you pay anything toward mortgage.rent/bills - STOP. I repeat - your money is for you now, & YOUR future security.

I feel suicidal
He's not worth feeling this strongly about, & you will NOT be feeling this way forever. Hang on in here with the thought that feelings are not facts, & that feelings will change as you get past the shock & dismay.
www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/contact-samaritan/

Keep posting for support, & if you are experiencing ANY thoughts of harming yourself, call the Samaritans.
So many PP have been through what you are going through.
You will get through it, with help.
Do you have a very close friend or relative you can confide in?

KettrickenSmiled · 21/02/2023 14:32

I had thought we were really happy together but he said he had a 9 month affair with her because she was new and exciting

JFC - a 2 year old marriage wasn't "new & exciting" enough for this loser?
You will be so much better off without the lying twat.
And soon YOU will believe that too OP. It's going to hurt for a while, but when you start divorcing his unworthy arse, you will feel more in control & start to feel more capable. Then you will slowly start feeling better. And one day you will wake up & think "thank god I dumped that twat".

Really. Start your own proceedings asap, think how much it will annoy him that you are taking control & refusing to be his victim.

NeedToChangeName · 21/02/2023 14:53

He had an affair for 9 months (that you know about, could be more) out of a 2 year marriage? That's a significant proportion

Move on. You'll manage. And it'll all be fine in the end

MNHQ
PipMumsnet · 21/02/2023 15:16

Hello OP, we are really sorry to read you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health Resources. You can also go, as a previous poster suggested, to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected].

We see that you are getting some wonderful support on here. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

Wishing you the very best
MNHQ💐

IAmAlreadyRegrettingMyGreyColourScheme · 21/02/2023 15:38

Horrible bastard. Time to get angry I think OP. Get the ball rolling now. Give some solicitors a call and book in for some divorce advice.
As pp pointed out you need to do this now or you'll have to share your inheritance with him next year, and he'll likely spend it on her.
Out now. Be strong.

FartSock5000 · 21/02/2023 15:48

@Gerbera0 this is what your immediate future looks like:

You stay and pretend you don't know deep down he is still shagging her. You get your inheritance and then one day he pushes you too far and you leave but you lose some of that inheritance because you didn't leave the first 2 times he showed you that he was a liar, cheat and you rank rock bottom on his list of things that matter.

Everyone now knows and you wish you could go back and do it all over.

Your rotter husband is utter garbage and couldn't be showing you more loudly who he is. Believe him! He doesn't love or respect you but he likes having a warm home to escape to when the other woman's shine dulls.

Focus on finding a rental that will allow the dog. There are private landlords who will rent to you outside of agencies. Look on Gumtree and OpenRent. Save up your rent and deposit then one day soon you pack up all your stuff and any furniture you like and the woof and you leave.

You start over but you do it BEFORE he can benefit from that inheritance and you tell anyone who asks that you left him because he is a liar and a cheat. Don't save his face. Let his friends, work and family know who he is.

Then one day soon you will meet someone new and you won't believe how awesome it is to be really loved, respected and treated as if you are actual treasure. It is the least you owe yourself.

Justforlaffs · 21/02/2023 15:57

Oh I would DEFINITELY be divorcing him before my inheritance came through - in fact I’d be on the phone making an appointment with a solicitor right this minute!

Its a cliche OP, but a leopard never changes its spots - if he’s already had a long term affair during a two year marriage I’d say that’s a pretty good indication that he isn’t the faithful type! What a loser.

Madhousemom · 21/02/2023 16:16

Please- if you do decide to divorce, ask your solicitor about adding a ‘clean break consent order’. Just being divorced doesn’t always protect any inheritance or money that you come into after receiving your decree absolute.

YukoandHiro · 21/02/2023 16:19

Agree with all other posters. He made you promises and immediately broke them. You owe him nothing - get out now before it gets more complicated.
You'll get some money from him through the divorce, then you'll get your inheritance and that will be a new start. Even if for now you have to rent a studio, it's worth it to get your life back on track.
You can do this. You are strong. You still have the chance at the partnership you deserve

sealon82 · 21/02/2023 16:41

Leave.... The audacity to expect you to put up with his shit is mind blowing.
If you're dog isn't going to do damage to a rental property then just don't mention to the landlord that you have one, your probably only going to be there for 12 months anyway.
Sorry you're going through this.