to not respond to this weekend message from a colleague...

[HyacinthBookIt]

I share an office with a new-ish (since last 2022) colleague. We exchanged personal mobile numbers so we could coordinate days in the office.

Since starting, this colleague has been quite a handful. She's had on-going gripes with our line manager which she was talking about escalating to the union (not sure if she did). For what its worth I think her gripes are unfounded.

Anyway, she's messaged me a few times on my personal mobile number to ask work-related questions, always questions about the on-going gripes she has rather than more general procedural/admin stuff IYSWIM.

This weekend just gone, she messaged me asking me to become her mentor. It's pissed me off for several reasons - messaging work-related stuff to my personal mobile, on the weekend, asking me to take on additional work and to walk into a shit storm of grievances.

I've drafted a response a few times and then given up.
DP has said that I should just ignore the message and wait for her to contact me through official channels (work email) given its official work business. I'm coming around to this way of thinking but not sure.

So, WIBU to just ignore the message as DP has suggested?

For context, it'll potentially be months before I see this colleague face-to-face.

I'm reluctant to email and say "Don't message my personal mobile" because this colleague already feels that everyone's against her at work and I don't want my name dragged into that conversation (even though I absolutely know I'd be reasonable to tell her this).

When in doubt, say nowt.

Yep, say nothing. If your colleague brings it up again to your private mobile say that you only gave it to them to coordinate office days and now that you're all familiar with routines, etc, all contact can go through official channels.
Then mute or block them on your private number.

I’d reply on your work email, saying something like “Sorry for the delay in replying but I prefer not to discuss work at the weekends and definitely not on my personal phone. I’m afraid I don’t have capacity to mentor anyone at the moment but happy to suggest who may be able to do so”. Clear and polite and you’ve set a boundary.

Don't bother giving it headrace

It's a bit odd to give her your number then ignore her messages to that number.

It's also irrelevant that she sent it at the weekend. You don't have to respond at the weekend.

If you're that concerned about keeping work and home separate, I would send her a message asking her if she can send the message formally, through work channels, but I honestly couldn't be arsed to do that.

I wouldn't respond at the weekend but I think ignoring it completely and waiting for her to contact you via work email is likely to be unproductive as she clearly sees nothing wrong with texting you so is unlikely to connect you ignoring it to how she got in touch.

I would ignore it at the weekend but then talk to her when you are both in the office and say that you're happy for her to have your personal number for personal reasons or emergencies but that it shouldn't be used for routine work stuff outside of work hours. It's ok to have boundaries but you have to continue to work with her so being clear but nice about it feels like the way to go at the moment.

Whether or not you agree to her request to be a mentor is an entirely different question!

Ignore or reply 'Please send work requests via the work's email, thank you.'

Then you have a paper trail should it be need in the future.

If this happens to me, I don't respond until
I'm back in work. I really can't stand when people do it, usually about ridiculous things they have the answer for in front of them if they looked.

But yes, don't reply until you see her/are back in work.

I think I would reply out of politeness. Either say can we discuss this during work hours. Or say you have too many other commitments to take on a mentor role. Absolutely don't be her mentor. She sounds a total pain and you won't get a minute's peace.

I think you are wise not to say don't message me on my mobile as you don't want yo be dragged into her complaints.

I would handle this quite carefully. For starters, I’d send her an email during work hours responding to the text. Something like:
Hi X hope you had a great weekend. I’m being strict about work creeping into my weekend so I’m not replying to anything work related on my personal mobile - I’ve been really enjoying properly switching off.

Thank you for asking me to mentor you, can I ask more about your expectations with this? I would like to fully consider it but wouldn’t want to take it on unless I feel I can really do it justice.

Thanks
Hyacinth

I think this gives you chance to let her feel like you have thought about it and then go back to her and say you don’t want to take on anything else at the moment (see also; switching off properly!!). Hopefully that will let her down gently enough that you don’t get dragged into it. Or just say no that wouldn’t work for me. Depends how nuclear you want to go

@MasterBeth We exchanged numbers to coordinate days in the office. I've always replied to messages about that. I've always replied to all her messages even when they've not been about office-use.

Given her penchant for complaining, why did you give her your personal number? Why does she need it?

I really like the idea of replying via email rather than message, great idea! I don't know why I didn't think of that 🙃

@Flangeosaurus Yes, I do feel like it needs to be handled quite carefully. She's got trouble written through her like a stick of Brighton rock so I'm keen to keep things professional, distant and above-board.

Say that you hope she understands but you like to keep your work and personal life separate so could she please deal with all work related stuff through work email?

@ShakespearesBlister We swapped numbers so we could coordinate days in the office whereby we'd text each other if we were going to be in the office unexpectedly one day.

We exchanged numbers on her first or second day in work when her penchant for trouble hadn't yet become clear!

Oh dear. I think as said then this needs to be kept distant.

If you don't have or can't get a work mobile, is there any way you can check work email to organise the schedule?

I would get her off your personal mobile as a priority. Ignore absolutely everything involving moaning/complaining/grievances. Keep to factual work questions only. If she persists tell your line manager.

Fucking hell, she sounds like a pita.

This, big time. I had to make a very strong point with my manager that texting me at 11pm re work is not appropriate!

Don't say anything if she texts you again on your personal number simply say " can this wait till I'm back at work please?" Then ignore.

I think totally ignoring her when you normally reply is rude and has potential to cause you more problems if she’s difficult. I’d respond in work hours through official channels and just say sorry you aren’t in a position to become her mentor at the minute. And in future unless it’s urgent reply to any other communication in work hours only via proper channels otherwise it’s confusing for anyone to understand your boundaries.

PITA doesn't even come close 😆

Next time you are in the office, either call or email.

Explain politely but firmly that giving your personal phone number was only for the purpose of coordinating days when needed (or whatever else it was specifically for), that your private time outside of work is precious to you, and could they please respect that when you are not working you don't want to receive messages about work unless necessary.

Regarding the request to mentor them, if you don't want to do it just explain that you don't have capacity for that additional time commitment at the moment and they should ask some other colleagues instead.

Not really. It's why we agreed to text each other about unexpected days in the office. Like, if one of us decides at 7pm on Monday night to go to the office on Tuesday then we can't rely on the other one checking emails at that time so we agreed texting would be easier for this kind of situation.

I should've said I have no problem at all declining the request to be her mentor. It's more the format through which the request was made that I'm struggling with.