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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not respond to this weekend message from a colleague...

74 replies

HyacinthBookIt · 21/02/2023 10:54

I share an office with a new-ish (since last 2022) colleague. We exchanged personal mobile numbers so we could coordinate days in the office.

Since starting, this colleague has been quite a handful. She's had on-going gripes with our line manager which she was talking about escalating to the union (not sure if she did). For what its worth I think her gripes are unfounded.

Anyway, she's messaged me a few times on my personal mobile number to ask work-related questions, always questions about the on-going gripes she has rather than more general procedural/admin stuff IYSWIM.

This weekend just gone, she messaged me asking me to become her mentor. It's pissed me off for several reasons - messaging work-related stuff to my personal mobile, on the weekend, asking me to take on additional work and to walk into a shit storm of grievances.

I've drafted a response a few times and then given up.
DP has said that I should just ignore the message and wait for her to contact me through official channels (work email) given its official work business. I'm coming around to this way of thinking but not sure.

So, WIBU to just ignore the message as DP has suggested?

For context, it'll potentially be months before I see this colleague face-to-face.

I'm reluctant to email and say "Don't message my personal mobile" because this colleague already feels that everyone's against her at work and I don't want my name dragged into that conversation (even though I absolutely know I'd be reasonable to tell her this).

OP posts:
potniatheron · 21/02/2023 11:25

Flangeosaurus · 21/02/2023 11:02

I would handle this quite carefully. For starters, I’d send her an email during work hours responding to the text. Something like:
Hi X hope you had a great weekend. I’m being strict about work creeping into my weekend so I’m not replying to anything work related on my personal mobile - I’ve been really enjoying properly switching off.

Thank you for asking me to mentor you, can I ask more about your expectations with this? I would like to fully consider it but wouldn’t want to take it on unless I feel I can really do it justice.

Thanks
Hyacinth

I think this gives you chance to let her feel like you have thought about it and then go back to her and say you don’t want to take on anything else at the moment (see also; switching off properly!!). Hopefully that will let her down gently enough that you don’t get dragged into it. Or just say no that wouldn’t work for me. Depends how nuclear you want to go Grin

Fully agree with all of this. I'm sure this goes without saying but definitely don't agree to being her mentor, you will be dragged into all sorts at all hours

AlisonDonut · 21/02/2023 11:28

I'd probably respond.

'Hi, Can we keep this mobile number purely for arranging office days, thanks. In terms of mentorship, that is a specific role and I'm not sure it would work if we aren't in the office at the same time, and if it isn't a formal arrangement. I'll speak to [line manager] when I'm next in about this request'.

SeriouslyLTB · 21/02/2023 11:53

BellaJuno · 21/02/2023 10:58

I’d reply on your work email, saying something like “Sorry for the delay in replying but I prefer not to discuss work at the weekends and definitely not on my personal phone. I’m afraid I don’t have capacity to mentor anyone at the moment but happy to suggest who may be able to do so”. Clear and polite and you’ve set a boundary.

This is an excellent response. Stays positive but is clear on boundaries.

Whydoiwearsomuchleopardprint · 21/02/2023 12:17

BellaJuno · 21/02/2023 10:58

I’d reply on your work email, saying something like “Sorry for the delay in replying but I prefer not to discuss work at the weekends and definitely not on my personal phone. I’m afraid I don’t have capacity to mentor anyone at the moment but happy to suggest who may be able to do so”. Clear and polite and you’ve set a boundary.

Exactly this!

MasterBeth · 21/02/2023 12:29

HyacinthBookIt · 21/02/2023 11:04

@MasterBeth We exchanged numbers to coordinate days in the office. I've always replied to messages about that. I've always replied to all her messages even when they've not been about office-use.

That's why it would seem odd to suddenly stop replying at all.

CrinkleCutChips · 21/02/2023 12:30

Definitely need to set boundaries. I would tell her that the phone will only be answered during your working days/hours. Other than that, if she sends a message, it will be ignored. Even if it is work related, still ignore it. My old boss used to message me outside of work sometimes but soon stopped doing it when she realised that she only got a reply at 9am on my next working day. It’s not my fault if she chooses to work weekends 🤷‍♀️

RichardHeed · 21/02/2023 12:30

I think you’ve muddied the waters giving her your personal number for work purposes but then not wanting her to talk work.

If there is no way to communicate her without texting I would ask work to sort you out work mobiles. It’s not appropriate for her to be texting you in this manner tbh, and your employer should support that. It sounds like a stupid set up tbh.

Takingthepiss · 21/02/2023 12:38

BellaJuno · 21/02/2023 10:58

I’d reply on your work email, saying something like “Sorry for the delay in replying but I prefer not to discuss work at the weekends and definitely not on my personal phone. I’m afraid I don’t have capacity to mentor anyone at the moment but happy to suggest who may be able to do so”. Clear and polite and you’ve set a boundary.

@HyacinthBookIt

this response for me;

as an additional note keep any and all
correspondence very professional and above board. If she’s messaging a lot about her issues with other staff she’s trying to get your words in writing to back her up so say nothing about no one unless it’s in a professional work related manner.

as I’m sure you know but just to throw it out

MeridianB · 21/02/2023 12:38

Are you job sharing or arranging to cover F2F time? Can you agree a schedule a week in advance via work email in work time?

thecatsthecats · 21/02/2023 12:38

Coffeellama · 21/02/2023 11:12

I think totally ignoring her when you normally reply is rude and has potential to cause you more problems if she’s difficult. I’d respond in work hours through official channels and just say sorry you aren’t in a position to become her mentor at the minute. And in future unless it’s urgent reply to any other communication in work hours only via proper channels otherwise it’s confusing for anyone to understand your boundaries.

I would say that messaging someone outside of working hours about work gripes is substantially ruder.

Survey99 · 21/02/2023 12:40

Give her a shit sandwich via email,

Thank you for considering me as a mentor, but I feel I won't I have the spare time to give mentoring the priority it needs.
Downtime from work related questions is very important to me, if you have any work questions can you email them instead of sending to my personal phone outside working hours and I'll pick up when I am in work.
Hope you manage to find someone to fulfil your mentoring role, it is a great way to help explore yourself, discover what motivates you and receive guidance.

OurChristmasMiracle · 21/02/2023 12:40

I would respond with “I am unable to take on any extra work at the moment” and forward the message to your manager stating that you do not wish to be her mentor but will respect your managers decision

Original poster
HyacinthBookIt · 21/02/2023 12:41

@RichardHeed But we exchanged numbers for a very specific work reason - to let each other know days when we'd be unexpectedly in the office. But I absolutely take the point that the waters have been muddied. But that's because I replied to her messages which weren't about office occupancy. I did that because she was new, because it was fairly general questions at first, and because the extent of her gripes/troublesomeness hadn't yet become clear.

@MasterBeth I said this to DP (that'd it'd be odd if I now just suddenly stopped replying). He said something along the lines of: "Fuck that, who you reply to, how, and when on your personal mobile phone is your business" 😅But that's why I like the suggestion to reply but through work email!

OP posts:
Original poster
HyacinthBookIt · 21/02/2023 12:44

MeridianB · 21/02/2023 12:38

Are you job sharing or arranging to cover F2F time? Can you agree a schedule a week in advance via work email in work time?

We're not job sharing or covering F2F. We have entirely separate jobs, just have the same shared 'base' at work.

I'm actually seconded for a while at the moment so I'm not using the office at all really right now.

OP posts:
JimBobbin · 21/02/2023 12:45

@BellaJuno 's message as a work email is perfect. No need to have responded over the weekend.

We swap personal phone nos at work but everyone respects the boundary and only uses them when necessary, to the benefit of the recipient. For example someone might text me if the office will be closed tomorrow or an early meeting gets cancelled. I don't think it muddies the waters at all. Used properly it benefits us all because we don't need to check our work emails, just in case, on our days off.

However it sounds like OP's colleague needs this spelling out to her. Does she understand the different "rules" around personal vs work phones in the office?

MeridianB · 21/02/2023 12:45

But it matters if one or both of you is in/out of the office?

HaggisBurger · 21/02/2023 12:46

Agreed reply on work email. Politely decline the mentorship but I’d not offer to get involved in suggesting alternative mentors either. Not your circus not your monkeys.

Original poster
HyacinthBookIt · 21/02/2023 12:47

@Takingthepiss Oh god, absolutely, yes. I'm always conscious that any correspondence I have with her may one day appear in a tribunal, an FoI request or evidence in court 😂And I conduct myself accordingly!

OP posts:
123becauseicouldntthinkofone · 21/02/2023 12:49

something2say · 21/02/2023 10:56

When in doubt, say nowt.

exactly this, good luck OP as unfortunately I can see you getting dragged into it anyway unless you become her work 'bestie'!

Original poster
HyacinthBookIt · 21/02/2023 12:50

MeridianB · 21/02/2023 12:45

But it matters if one or both of you is in/out of the office?

Yes, I couldn't have meetings in the office if she was going to be using the office and vice versa.

OP posts:
Original poster
HyacinthBookIt · 21/02/2023 12:52

JimBobbin · 21/02/2023 12:45

@BellaJuno 's message as a work email is perfect. No need to have responded over the weekend.

We swap personal phone nos at work but everyone respects the boundary and only uses them when necessary, to the benefit of the recipient. For example someone might text me if the office will be closed tomorrow or an early meeting gets cancelled. I don't think it muddies the waters at all. Used properly it benefits us all because we don't need to check our work emails, just in case, on our days off.

However it sounds like OP's colleague needs this spelling out to her. Does she understand the different "rules" around personal vs work phones in the office?

We don't have work mobiles otherwise I'd have given her that number.

I think she finds work all-consuming so doesn't draw the same boundaries that others might.

OP posts:
Original poster
HyacinthBookIt · 21/02/2023 12:53

HaggisBurger · 21/02/2023 12:46

Agreed reply on work email. Politely decline the mentorship but I’d not offer to get involved in suggesting alternative mentors either. Not your circus not your monkeys.

The irony is that this colleague already has a mentor. I think her mentor isn't telling her what she wants to hear so she's trying her luck with someone else. 😆

OP posts:
Takingthepiss · 21/02/2023 12:55

HyacinthBookIt · 21/02/2023 12:47

@Takingthepiss Oh god, absolutely, yes. I'm always conscious that any correspondence I have with her may one day appear in a tribunal, an FoI request or evidence in court 😂And I conduct myself accordingly!

I had a feeling you were wise to this but I just wanted to Chuck it out there. ❤️

she sounds like a pain in the butt xx

Newmum0322 · 21/02/2023 13:02

Flangeosaurus · 21/02/2023 11:02

I would handle this quite carefully. For starters, I’d send her an email during work hours responding to the text. Something like:
Hi X hope you had a great weekend. I’m being strict about work creeping into my weekend so I’m not replying to anything work related on my personal mobile - I’ve been really enjoying properly switching off.

Thank you for asking me to mentor you, can I ask more about your expectations with this? I would like to fully consider it but wouldn’t want to take it on unless I feel I can really do it justice.

Thanks
Hyacinth

I think this gives you chance to let her feel like you have thought about it and then go back to her and say you don’t want to take on anything else at the moment (see also; switching off properly!!). Hopefully that will let her down gently enough that you don’t get dragged into it. Or just say no that wouldn’t work for me. Depends how nuclear you want to go Grin

This!

Velvetween · 21/02/2023 13:17

Definitely reply by work email in working hours to this. Repeat ad nauseam and she’ll get the message. Unless she is bombarding you constantly I think that’s enough. Reply only when it’s a quick text about office use.

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