to not respond to this weekend message from a colleague...

[HyacinthBookIt]

I share an office with a new-ish (since last 2022) colleague. We exchanged personal mobile numbers so we could coordinate days in the office.

Since starting, this colleague has been quite a handful. She's had on-going gripes with our line manager which she was talking about escalating to the union (not sure if she did). For what its worth I think her gripes are unfounded.

Anyway, she's messaged me a few times on my personal mobile number to ask work-related questions, always questions about the on-going gripes she has rather than more general procedural/admin stuff IYSWIM.

This weekend just gone, she messaged me asking me to become her mentor. It's pissed me off for several reasons - messaging work-related stuff to my personal mobile, on the weekend, asking me to take on additional work and to walk into a shit storm of grievances.

I've drafted a response a few times and then given up.
DP has said that I should just ignore the message and wait for her to contact me through official channels (work email) given its official work business. I'm coming around to this way of thinking but not sure.

So, WIBU to just ignore the message as DP has suggested?

For context, it'll potentially be months before I see this colleague face-to-face.

I'm reluctant to email and say "Don't message my personal mobile" because this colleague already feels that everyone's against her at work and I don't want my name dragged into that conversation (even though I absolutely know I'd be reasonable to tell her this).

Flangeosaurus’ reply is perfect. Polite, friendly, doesn’t sound as if you’re having a go at her, but very clear about separating your work and home lives.

Moral of story

never , ever give your personal number, email and other personal details out to anyone at work other than HR. HR can only use that information for legitimate reasons (sick, emergencies, etc) and need to hold it securely as per data protection act.

anyone else thinks it means you can deal with work related stuff on your own unpaid time. Even letting a colleague know when you are in office. Even bosses seem to get confused too easily .

know your boundaries and stick to them.

unless work provide you with a mobile phone and pay for it, absolutely do not use your own phone and refuse even if it’s your boss asking. Even if work gives you a phone, have your own phone as well, and do not look at work phone outside of your working hours- this is a back door that management do to have you on call all the time (I was a senior manager whose directors believed this- especially people in other times zones,. I did get very stroppy about it when it was outside of what I considered my working hours , which were longer than my contracted hours) .

Once people can access you at home even about innocuous stuff, you will be on a slippery path to anxiety and stress. Look what it has done to you today- you’ve seen the message, started thinking about work, got stressed about it to the point you are now posting and reading what to do on MN. How is that helping you to relax and unwind after a long week at your weekend. You are thinking about work now. You are thinking about all the trouble this is causing. Bloody hell, OP, this needs to stop and never happen again.

Do nothing on your phone. in work time, send her an email . State that you have realised that you are not getting quality downtime from work becuase you’ve given out your personal number to a number of colleagues, including her. It has become quite intrusive . In order to ensure you have a proper time away from work, including not even thinking about work, youve decided to ask all colleagues to delete your personal number and not use it again, and you will be blocking all contact with work colleagues to my personal number, email etc. state it is applying to everyone. Sorry for inconvenience , you made a mistake in giving out your details you now realise. Let’s email on work emails when we’re going into office, and youll ensure you check work emails for messages .

also say in email, regarding mentoring, this takes a lot of time and effort to mentor someone properly- it’s about building a strong professional relationship and that also takes emotional energy. You don’t want to committ to mentoring anyone just at the moment due to personal circumstances. Advise her that She needs to go through HR or her boss to request a mentor formally anyway, as you’d, or any mentor, be taking taking time away from your other objectives.

then block.

then never do it agian.

This.
Don't ask her to ask formally and then say no anyway, you'll come across like an egotistical dick. Don't ignore because you're opening up into her sending you more messages.

Perhaps suggest if she needs to contact you re work she uses your work email

Then that is an issue for your managers to resolve. Hells teeth, if you might both need office space at same time and there’s not the space, that is on them and they have to find a way of resolving it that doesn’t need you to be calling each other at home to confirm.
how on earth did you get to a place that you think this is your issue to solve?

Refer her back to her existing mentor, and copy them in to your reply so they are aware.
Stop responding to her messages unless they are directly about being in the office.
Why can't you both work from the office? Is there not a conference/meeting room you could use if you "double-book"?

I really think you need to involve your manager/HR...we've all worked out where this is heading. 🤪
It won't be nice.
Keep out of it from now on if you can

Perfect response.

Hopefully an email as suggested will stop further intrusion from work related text messages.

I'd block her 😂

@Newlifestartingatlast I totally get your point. The thing is that I'm not too bothered about colleagues having my number because it can be useful if we're meeting somewhere random or getting unreliable public transport etc. Everyone else I've shared my number with has maintained boundaries and only used it for specific reasons or occasions.

@Newlifestartingatlast Our office accommodation issues are an on-going problem. Everyone shares an office. Everyone is unhappy. We keep being promised new accommodation but its very unlikely to happen any time soon.

@pussycatinfluffyslippers There are meeting rooms we can book, but they're mostly used as storage. Plus if I have back-to-back meetings all day, that means I'm squatting in a horrible meeting room all day. It's much nicer for me and the people I'm meeting to do meetings in my office.
I'm going to hold off involving the line manager/HR just yet but this will be my next port of call for sure.
And, yes, I'll tell her to see her current mentor in my reply.

In this situation I would probably lie slightly and say that you and your dps New Years Resolution is not to take work related calls/messages at home during non working times. I would also set up a very basic joint calendar online where you can just put in your initial on the days that you are going to be in.

She sounds v hard work, but keeping it as a polite email is a good way to go, as pp have suggested.
Have never worked anywhere where mentors have been a thing, (sounds like extra work for no gain) but if she already has one there should be no issue.

Has she been at your workplace less than 2 years? Could be skating on thin ice, as it were.

Just don't respond and she'll soon get the message.

Otherwise you will get bombarded with texts from her at all hours/ days

@HyacinthBookIt Good. 🤞
Pity about the office space.
Log everything going forwards - you never know when you'll need it.

@purplecorkheart I'd rather not lie because then it looks as though her contacting on the weekend would be acceptable in some circumstances IYSWIM.

@FallonofDynasty Very, very hard work. She feels hard-done-by and put-upon, she feels that she's been appointed to a position below what she should have been. All of these feelings are unfounded - she's not being screwed over and she was appointed appropriately (I was on the recruitment panel). She's been here since winter 2022 on one year probation. Our line manager has already asked her if she's certain she actually wants the job given all the complaints she's had about her workload and conditions 😬
She won't fail probation but it'll be an interesting moment for her.

i would not respond to any message that isn't to do with the days in office.
i would be very careful about anything you send her in writing or by email, you don't want to get dragged into this mess.
Limit contact to work email, email her on your work email address and tell her you're sorry but you don;t ave the time/experience/whatever to be her mentor.

Sounds like she may soon be out the door anyway...

Definitely reply, but work email in work hours. As previous people have suggested saying you are trying to draw a boundary between work and personal life so not using mobile for personal. You can’t not reply as she knows you have before so this will be used as evidence if you ignore her. The reply suggested before was good and you’ve got a paper trail if she does make a grevience.

This reply is good

It's OK to set boundaries (and if she's emotionally a handful/ 'feeling everyone's against her' then to me that's just even more reason to do so).

I wouldn't think twice about her feelings in that matter to be honest. I don't know if that sounds harsh, but I would put myself first.

Just politely say that you like to keep all work matters to your work mobile/ email address, unless it's something urgent like a shift swap. That is more than fine to say!

As for the mentoring request, that's for you to decide, but again it's fine to say no.

Thanks everyone.
I sent a reply from my emails similar to what @BellaJuno suggested but directing her to her existing mentor. I don't want to paste the exact text JIC.

Let's see what happens next

I think it's unprofessional to ignore her. Reply during work hours via email and say sorry you didn't reply you like to switch off outside work hours so if she needs you could she drop you an email that you can pick up when you're working then you'd appreciate it.

Oops just seen your update!

Hi OP, she sounds like a complete PITA. I am just wondering, if everyone has the same experience with her, if she's constantly moaning about the workload and raising (?formal??) grievances, why she will pass her probation period? IMO and IME, it's not just about not doing anything grossly wrong in that time, it's about fit with corporate and team culture, attitude, etc, and it sounds like all that stuff is really poor.

If I were her manager, based on what you've been telling me, I'd definitely be looking to manage her out before the end of her probation.

Is there a process that staff have to go through via HR to be allocated a mentor? I know in my company I don't get to approach a potential mentor saying "Please be my mentor", I have to go through HR and they will allocate a mentor to me.

That's what I'd reply - "Hi X, I believe there is a process in place where staff looking for mentoring must go through HR and they will endeavour to match the mentor to the mentee. With that in mind, I'm sorry but I cannot be your mentor. Best of luck with the process"

@SqueakyDinosaur In short because it's public sector and absolutely no-one fails probation 😆Probationary staff have a set of very generous targets for their probation period which are almost impossible to miss. These targets will be very 'output' driven with nothing about 'fit' or attitude etc. This means that people can't be easily managed or massaged out as long as they're hitting the targets set.
Others have had similar experiences, yes. She's told me (in person, not on my personal mobile!) that she's shared her grievances with others and received support. I think this may be a case of nodding and smiling and being polite from other colleagues rather than genuine support.

@LookItsMeAgain Yes, the mentoring process is formalised. It's not done by HR but internally in our department. What ends up happening though is that senior people end up informally mentoring junior colleagues over coffee or bits of advice here/there. Senior colleagues have mentors but very rarely use them. So while it is formalised, its also kind of a free-for-all.

I would tell her that if she wants to contact you regarding work matters to please email. And you will get back to her on Monday

Laugh it off and say you don't want to be reminded of work at a weekend or evening !

Personally I'm a company person, day or night @HyacinthBookIt I can understand your perspectives,