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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend and money

62 replies

SleepySlumber · 21/02/2023 09:03

My boyfriend recently moved in with me as we are expecting a baby together. I have two children from a previous relationship that also live with me mainly.

I told my bf that I want to split costs down the middle when he moved in and the other day sent him the amount he needs to pay for this month. What he is paying is minuscule in comparison to what he’d pay if he was to go rent somewhere on his own or even if we were to find a rental together.

He lived at home before moving in with me after a relationship breakdown, so didn’t pay any rent at home. I know he’s always dated rich girls with money before me (he’s private educated and always been around people with money) so I doubt he’s had to pay his way when living with them and it shows!

This morning he came to me and said as he knows I get some help with benefits currently (I’ve had to stop working due to illness in late pregnancy), why should he pay me his half of the rent as I don’t even pay it all at the moment so I’m just taking his money.

Yes I do get some help benefits wise currently, but I don’t feel like what I get is anything to do with him. I have two disabled children so the money I get is actually mainly to help with their care - but again I don’t feel I even need to explain to him what I get.

I also have two children to support and I’m pregnant with his child and unable to work!

He runs his own business and gets by but isn’t ambitious and has probably had the same customers the last decade without trying to get more business. He also has just himself to pay for so hasn’t had the responsibility of a child before.

AIBU to ask him to pay half still? He knew what costs were before moving in so I don’t think I am, but always good to get other opinions.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 21/02/2023 09:05

Yanbu but you need to consider whether this is what you want in a partner

ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · 21/02/2023 09:06

If he's being tight with money now, what's he going to be like when the baby comes? Can't you see the huge red flag OP ?

MadeForThis · 21/02/2023 09:06

Forget paying his fair share, just get him to move out. You have enough on your hands with out a cocklodging man child.

He would rather live of your disabled child's benefits than pay his own way?

Get rid.

Eastereggsboxedupready · 21/02/2023 09:09

Be prepared to do this alone op. As soon as dc arrives contact cms.
And send him back to his dps today.

Zippidydoda · 21/02/2023 09:09

YANBU

Tell him if he wants to move in then the deal is him paying 50%. If not he doesn’t have to move in and is welcome to find alternative.

If you let him move in and pay a minuscule amount he will leech of you forever. Set the bar early on.

also you are absolutely right to protect to the money for your disabled children.

out of interest how much is half- so how much is he being asked to pay and what does it cover?

theemmadilemma · 21/02/2023 09:10

And yet you decided he'd make a great father... 🙄

Teeturtle · 21/02/2023 09:10

I think you missed some pretty important conversations before you decided to move in together and have a child together. To be honest, I am fed up reading the same old thing and still having sympathy every time. Actually you have two children, so I don’t think a split down the middle is necessarily fair, but this is part of the discussion that should have happened before he moved in. I think better for both of you that you reverse that decision until you have this conversation.

AndTheSurveySays · 21/02/2023 09:11

YABU to have a baby with such a man. What made you think it was a good idea?

Xrays · 21/02/2023 09:12

This has disaster written all over it.

Why on earth are you having a baby with someone you haven’t lived with, when you have two disabled children to care for, and he’s seemingly a 12 year old in an adults body?! Madness. But what’s done is done I guess. But you are not being unreasonable re the money.

RealBecca · 21/02/2023 09:13

He isnt acting like your family, he is acting like a boyfriend.

IMO, for your kids stability, you dont move boyfriends in. Pack his bags now before your kids get confused. He is below the minimum standard for joining your family.

You have kids so his is a head decision not a heart decision.

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 21/02/2023 09:14

Benefits would be joint between you, wouldn't they? If there not you need to let dwp know straight away....

Beansontoast45 · 21/02/2023 09:15

I don’t think he should be paying 50% to be honest. You have two children that he is not responsible for so you and their dad should be covering their living costs.

Also, you should probably check you are still entitled to the benefits you receive with him living there.

Aquamarine1029 · 21/02/2023 09:15

Don't bother having him move in. The relationship is already over.

FilthyforFirth · 21/02/2023 09:15

Yet another thread where I think, why the hell are you having a baby with him? I'm going to guess the old contraceptive failure..

But YANBU re the money. Clearly he should pay half. Well done for at least insisting on that.

Mindymomo · 21/02/2023 09:17

In one sentence you want him to go halves, but then you say the benefits you get are nothing to do with him, I can see it both ways. He’s joining your family, has a child on the way, you are not working. You need to sit down with him to go through everything if you want your partnership to work. It sounds like he’s had a pretty comfy lifestyle and probably has no idea how to manage money in an extended family situation.

drpet49 · 21/02/2023 09:17

Teeturtle · 21/02/2023 09:10

I think you missed some pretty important conversations before you decided to move in together and have a child together. To be honest, I am fed up reading the same old thing and still having sympathy every time. Actually you have two children, so I don’t think a split down the middle is necessarily fair, but this is part of the discussion that should have happened before he moved in. I think better for both of you that you reverse that decision until you have this conversation.

This. I don’t think 50% is fair.

PeekAtYou · 21/02/2023 09:19

Why would you have a baby with this man? If he's quibbling over paying 50% of bills now, what's going to happen when the baby is born and you have zero income?
How much do you lose in benefits now that he's moved in?

arethereanyleftatall · 21/02/2023 09:19

Ahhh, this isn't a great start at all op. It's terrible. Is it too late to consider your options?

cosmiccosmos · 21/02/2023 09:22

Presumably you've told UC or whatever you are claiming that he's moved in. It will affect your benefits also if you are getting reduced council tax.

Really don't understand why someone with 2 disabled children decided to have another one. The relationship doesn't sound stable, you seem to barely know him. What about your other children, focus on them.

gamerchick · 21/02/2023 09:24

Send him back to his mothers. He's not going to be the person you want.

gamerchick · 21/02/2023 09:25

And have you actually informed the DWP that's he's moved in? The whole point is he has to tip up his share.

Quitelikeit · 21/02/2023 09:26

How much was he going to be paying you and how much does he now want to pay you?

Thoughtful2355 · 21/02/2023 09:27

Sorry but he's being tight and that usually ends in some sort of financial abuse.

mybunniesandme · 21/02/2023 09:27

Why would you have a child with him??

Lbnc2021 · 21/02/2023 09:28

How is any of this beneficial for the children you already have?

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