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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Boyfriend and money

62 replies

SleepySlumber · 21/02/2023 09:03

My boyfriend recently moved in with me as we are expecting a baby together. I have two children from a previous relationship that also live with me mainly.

I told my bf that I want to split costs down the middle when he moved in and the other day sent him the amount he needs to pay for this month. What he is paying is minuscule in comparison to what he’d pay if he was to go rent somewhere on his own or even if we were to find a rental together.

He lived at home before moving in with me after a relationship breakdown, so didn’t pay any rent at home. I know he’s always dated rich girls with money before me (he’s private educated and always been around people with money) so I doubt he’s had to pay his way when living with them and it shows!

This morning he came to me and said as he knows I get some help with benefits currently (I’ve had to stop working due to illness in late pregnancy), why should he pay me his half of the rent as I don’t even pay it all at the moment so I’m just taking his money.

Yes I do get some help benefits wise currently, but I don’t feel like what I get is anything to do with him. I have two disabled children so the money I get is actually mainly to help with their care - but again I don’t feel I even need to explain to him what I get.

I also have two children to support and I’m pregnant with his child and unable to work!

He runs his own business and gets by but isn’t ambitious and has probably had the same customers the last decade without trying to get more business. He also has just himself to pay for so hasn’t had the responsibility of a child before.

AIBU to ask him to pay half still? He knew what costs were before moving in so I don’t think I am, but always good to get other opinions.

OP posts:

BreviloquentBastard · 21/02/2023 09:33

I don't feel like having a child with this person before he moved in or you had a proper discussion about finances was a wise move, especially with two disabled children already. Feels like you've missed some pretty vital relationship steps and just jumped straight to "move in and baby".

If I were you I'd prepare to do this alone. I suspect this is one of those "I'm not actually ready for kids so I'm now going to go running back to mum and try and pretend you and my child don't exist" sort of men.

Jodielou5972 · 21/02/2023 09:34

You don't sound like you want him as a partner at all..

"I don't think I should have to explain to him what I get".
Actually if you two are moving in together as a family that is exactly what you should do. Also, how is he supposed to know his half is correct, or even fair, if you don't discuss your finances?
This just sounds really strange.
I agree with others, he shouldn't be paying 50% of everything, he doesn't have to pay for your other kids.
You need to have a discussion involving all rent, amenities, house bills, and his child. That is what needs to be shared between you.

LakeTiticaca · 21/02/2023 09:36

He's a cocklodger. Kick him out

Cherrysoup · 21/02/2023 09:37

He cannot expect to live for free, so even if you get benefits, he still needs to pay his half. I'd call this a major red flag: is he intending to pay for his child, or does he think you should fork out for food/housing/nappies/clothes for your baby? I'd tell him exactly what it costs to live there and at least half it or he can go and live back with his parents. He's taking the piss.

ImAvingOops · 21/02/2023 09:38

First off you need to work out what benefits you will lose as a result of him living there. Then communicate that clearly to him. He may be unaware that once a partner moves in, the state views you as a couple, with shared resources. In moving in, he will have to make up what you lose and then pay his fair share of bills.

I take a view that it's very unhealthy for a relationship to split everything into tiny shares because you have more kids and therefore a higher food bill, for example. If I was living with a nan who wanted to calculate precisely what my children cost in the home before contributing, I'd think he was tight and that would be very unappealing. He's joining your family so for me he'd have to be 'all in'. Particularly since you are adding a new baby in the mix!
The exception to that would be if I lived with a man who paid child support elsewhere. But if I moved in with a man who had a child I'd just pay 50% of bills.

I think the issue here is that he doesn't see you all as a family unit and like pp have said, you've gone and got yourself in this situation without enough discussion first.

MamaCanYouBuyMeABanana · 21/02/2023 09:39

What a mess.

The thing that stood out to me is that he has lived with multiple women (by the sounds of it) all have been rich and he probably didn't pay his way. This is classic behaviour from a certain type of man, just jumping from relationship to relationship milking what he can and then moving on.

This isn't going to end well, he's already resentful of the situation and the baby isn't here yet, what will he be like when you are reliant on him though your mat leave?

In your shoes I wouldn't have insisted on 50/50 for everything, but you need to see how much your benefits went down when he moved in, he definitely needs to make up the shortfall and then a percentage on top of that.

I would seriously consider chucking him out before the baby is born, going it alone and getting maintenence from him. He isn't going to make your life better.

He isn't a good man.

isthewashingdryyet · 21/02/2023 09:39

You need to inform the Council so council tax can be increased and you need to inform who you get your benefits from so that can be adjusted.
He needs to then pay half the rent, half the bills and to cover his food and also then pay for his share of what the new baby needs.

But, another one asking, what were you thinking.

MojoMoon · 21/02/2023 09:40

Get the initial steps of giving birth and settling into single parenthood of 3 over but then please consider some therapy or just reading some books on what a healthy, normal, adult relationship looks like, especially for people with children and responsibilities.

Am sure some posters can recommend some and you can get them from the library for free.

Have you looked carefully to understand if your benefits will be affected by him moving in?

monitor1 · 21/02/2023 09:45

Why have you chosen to procreate with such a lower when you have kids that need you already? Are you early enough in the pregnancy to have options? If not then I would prepare for life as a single parent of 3.

monitor1 · 21/02/2023 09:45

loser not lower!

SherlockStones · 21/02/2023 09:50

The poor decision making noted in these kind of threads never ceases to amaze

This is going to end in tears

vivainsomnia · 21/02/2023 09:52

Both tour attitude is not one to have when you are about to share your life and a baby together.

He shouldn't think you getting benefits mean he should pay less than if your income was through work.

At the same time, I think your attitude that what you get in benefits has nothing to do with him is wrong too.

You are both doing to have to start to think of yourself as a couple rather than two single people house sharing if you gave any chance to make things work.

I agree that with two kids, and potentially a bigger income than him, 50/50 might indeed not be fair.

StarsSand · 21/02/2023 09:52

Won't you lose benefits when he moves in?

Some man he is, eyeing up a disabled child's benefits for himself.

Disgusting.

To PPs shaking their finger at OP for having a baby with him- some babies just aren't planned and people do their best. I don't think OP needs the criticism right now.

And it's all very well to tell people to 'get rid' of a man that they are already pregnant to, when it's not you having to do that.

The sensible thing is to have a grown up discussion about finances and try to make this family work so the baby grows up with a father.

BarbaraofSeville · 21/02/2023 09:53

You're likely to lose some of the income related benefits due to him moving in, so he at least needs to cover the amount you've lost.
Plus the extra council tax.
Plus the cost of his food, toiletries, extra hot water, mobile, transport, basically anything extra over and above your own costs.
Plus half the cost of you not being able to work and being on maternity leave when the baby is born.

Given the system expects him to cover the costs that were previously being paid for by benefits, I'd be surprised if half the bills etc was actually enough for you not to be worse off due to him moving in.

He's going to be a father so he needs to step up and pay his way. His days of being a perpetual teenager are over.

iamjustwinginglife · 21/02/2023 09:55

He needs to pay something and that "something" needs to be fair, but until you've had your benefits adjusted for the fact there's another adult in the home who is contributing financially then who knows what that "something" is. Not taking his presence and income into account would be benefit fraud and I'm sure you want to do everything legally and above board

StarsSand · 21/02/2023 09:56

Running his own business is a great way for him to fudge his income and pay you then minimum in child support if you do split.

I think 50/50 is fair. It's not just him but his baby as well, and OP has a reduced ability to work due to his baby.

He chose to get a woman with children pregnant, or at least acted in a way that made that outcome a possibility. He can't pretend they don't exist.

Biscuits1011 · 21/02/2023 09:57

You should be claiming jointly with benefits. If on universal credit or receiving tax credits and housing benefits this needs to be a joint claim and his income would affect this. The dla is separate and as you say is for those children. I would say maybe not half of everything.. but definitely a good contribution based on his earnings. But it sounds like he could possibly earn more so that’s another chat to have..

arethereanyleftatall · 21/02/2023 09:59

I'm sure this thread is harrowing to read op, and you're probably very upset by the responses, but please remember everyone is responding with your best interests at heart, we're very pro women on this site, so please listen very carefully.

qwertykeyboards · 21/02/2023 10:01

What an absolute bum trying to live off your disabled child’s benefits.

NotStayingIn · 21/02/2023 10:02

Threads like this make me really irritated about how flipping stupid some women are.

There were really clear signs that he wouldn't pay his way that you knew about. So why on earth - especially if you already have kids - would you move him into your home or have a child with him?

I think you may be best off telling him to go back home and say you prefer to go it alone as he isn't capable of stepping up. You will in the end be doing this mainly alone anyway, this at least will give you some control.

PicaK · 21/02/2023 10:16

You need to claim benefits as a couple or he needs to leave. You're not a couple atm he's just a lodger with benefits. And one that's not paying

Pippa12 · 21/02/2023 10:19

Gosh OP I think this is over before it’s started! I’d end it now before it gets too messy, you’ll be doing this alone and be better off!

Original poster

SleepySlumber · 21/02/2023 10:20

arethereanyleftatall · 21/02/2023 09:59

Ive just been called stupid so don’t see how everyone is pro women. I have also had someone ask me why I’d have another child when I have two disabled children! I think that’s absolutely disgusting to say to someone. Or the comments that I should abort my child - hardly helpful or my best interest.

Yes the man I am having a baby with clearly needs a few lessons in life and will soon have that with a shock of a baby with me. But if he turns out to be a waste of space I won’t hesitate to get rid. I dated someone for a decade and then we had children and it all fell apart so for those saying why would I have a child with this man I’ve found even a very planned situation doesn’t always work out either. But we have been together a couple of years so he’s not a total stranger, it just seems since the moving in has happened that I’m aware more of the way he is financially.

Yes Dwp are aware he has moved in and as of such my bills are more eg council tax not single any more which I have factored in.

But I still get a small amount of help with my rent even with his combined income, so I think that’s why he thought I was being unfair to ask him to still pay his half when I’m getting help.

He doesn’t know I get DLA so he doesn’t realise that was the benefit I meant - he’s not trying to take my children’s disability money.

Anyway thanks for (some) of the comments I will discuss with him later but won’t be replying further.

OP posts:

ItchyBillco · 21/02/2023 11:06

I’m very sad to see this has only just come up after he’s already moved in with your disabled children and you’re already pregnant.

He is a lazy, tight cocklodging taker and I fear you will be alone raising that third child. I wouldn’t anticipate much in the way of CMS as he’ll see it as you ‘taking’ his money.

Ceryneianhind · 21/02/2023 11:29

You deserve better

You deserve a man who will support you and his family

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