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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Boyfriend and money

62 replies

SleepySlumber · 21/02/2023 09:03

My boyfriend recently moved in with me as we are expecting a baby together. I have two children from a previous relationship that also live with me mainly.

I told my bf that I want to split costs down the middle when he moved in and the other day sent him the amount he needs to pay for this month. What he is paying is minuscule in comparison to what he’d pay if he was to go rent somewhere on his own or even if we were to find a rental together.

He lived at home before moving in with me after a relationship breakdown, so didn’t pay any rent at home. I know he’s always dated rich girls with money before me (he’s private educated and always been around people with money) so I doubt he’s had to pay his way when living with them and it shows!

Yes I do get some help benefits wise currently, but I don’t feel like what I get is anything to do with him. I have two disabled children so the money I get is actually mainly to help with their care - but again I don’t feel I even need to explain to him what I get.

I also have two children to support and I’m pregnant with his child and unable to work!

He runs his own business and gets by but isn’t ambitious and has probably had the same customers the last decade without trying to get more business. He also has just himself to pay for so hasn’t had the responsibility of a child before.

AIBU to ask him to pay half still? He knew what costs were before moving in so I don’t think I am, but always good to get other opinions.

OP posts:

lazycats · 21/02/2023 11:31

Oh dear, you picked a dud to have a baby with. I hope whatever happens it goes ok.

StarsSand · 21/02/2023 11:45

arethereanyleftatall · 21/02/2023 09:59

I'm sure this thread is harrowing to read op, and you're probably very upset by the responses, but please remember everyone is responding with your best interests at heart, we're very pro women on this site, so please listen very carefully.

I don't think these answers have been pro-women.

Some people have literally called her stupid.

She's off work due to LATE pregnancy and yet people have suggested she abort her baby.

The comment shaming her for having a third child when her first two have disabilities is ableist and basically eugenics.

OP, I'm sorry you've had to read some of this. You have a lot on your plate and I wish you all the best.

To answer your question- it is completely reasonable to expect him to pay half, and how you come about your half is none of his concern.

Xrays · 21/02/2023 12:22

I was one of the initial posters who mentioned the two disabled children. I wasn’t suggesting someone with disabled children shouldn’t have another child 😳🙄 - I have a child with severe autism and complex needs myself, he attends complex needs school and is on the highest rate of dla long term - I was making the point that this isn’t the ideal situation to have a new baby in - useless cocklodger partner and already having the strain of being a carer for someone with disabilities. That isn’t eugenics, that’s real life. Op would manage better without the useless boyfriend if she’s going to become a mum of 3 in this situation.

GoAgainstNicki · 21/02/2023 13:42

arethereanyleftatall · 21/02/2023 09:59

Well this is just a lie

Fidgety31 · 21/02/2023 14:03

He shouldn’t have to pay half the bills as you have two kids yourself that are not his financial responsibility.
I think it’s unfair of you to expect him to pay your kids share of the household bills .

Murdoch1949 · 21/02/2023 14:03

I don't think 50:50 is fair to your bf. There's you & your 2 children on one side, and just him on the other. You need to support your children, with their dads' help plus DLA. It would be fairer for him to pay one third of the household's costs. He may have discussed this with family/friends and been told he's being taken for a ride - "she just wants you to pay half the bills" etc.

Danneigh · 21/02/2023 14:34

I know you've said you're not answering anymore, so pointless me commenting really. But if you are also getting help from the other children's father then potentially 50/50 to your new BF is unfair. You need to think about what support you already get, what you both earn, what you're asking him to pay for, for example to feed your other kids when their Dad already covers that (just an example). Just because you think 50/50 is fair doesn't mean it is. And just because he thinks it's not doesn't mean its not. You'd be better both doing the maths instead of hitting with a figure.

KettrickenSmiled · 21/02/2023 14:40

This morning he came to me and said as he knows I get some help with benefits currently (I’ve had to stop working due to illness in late pregnancy), why should he pay me his half of the rent as I don’t even pay it all at the moment so I’m just taking his money.
"You are an adult who is reposnsible for half the costs, which you knew when you moved in. You agreed, & now you are reneging because you are a spoiled baby who thinks his pregnany g/f ought to support him. Why don't you fuck off, & I'll let the CMS tell you what you owe me when the baby arrives?"

AIBU to ask him to pay half still? He knew what costs were before moving in so I don’t think I am, but always good to get other opinions.
YABU
He's decided not to pay, & he probably won't, so why debase yourself with begging?
Even if you make him pay this month, you'll have to go through it all over again next. Is that a life you want to lead?
He's a cocklodging waste of space - get rid of him & rely on the only person you can depend on 100% - yourself.

KettrickenSmiled · 21/02/2023 14:44

Yes the man I am having a baby with clearly needs a few lessons in life and will soon have that with a shock of a baby with me. But if he turns out to be a waste of space I won’t hesitate to get rid.

He's a spoiled rich boy who has an income he's not bothered to increase for a decade because his current clients provide HIM enough to live on.

He saw you coming, reckons you are his meal ticket & free roof, thinks he has you trapped because of the baby, & has already proved to you that he's a waste of space.

Stop prolonging the inevitable by making excuses for him.
Stop hesitating, & don't wait around for him to learn lessons - why would he, when he can manipulate you instead of pulling his finger out?

jimmyjammy001 · 21/02/2023 14:50

If he agreed 50% before moving in then he's being unreasonable now, but he shouldn't of agreed to 50% when there are 2 kids living there that arnt his which is presumably paying 50% of, is there any child maintenance from the ex for the 2 kids? In which case your be receiving even more for them if current partner paying for them as well. Will your benefits be affected when you inform DWP of your new partner moving in and his wage? Usually people receive less money in benefits when partners move in so you can ask him to subsidize what you would lose in benefit money

ImAvingOops · 22/02/2023 10:31

He is joining a family though and if he starts quibbling over spending a bit more money because his partner has children (who will be the siblings of his own baby), that's not in the spirit of joining a family.
There's no point to him living with you if he's seeing himself as a separate individual rather than part of a family unit.
It's not very attractive to split every bill to working out what percentage the two kids cost in food and electricity use!

Xrays · 22/02/2023 17:00

ImAvingOops · 22/02/2023 10:31

I agree.

I was a single parent when I met now dh (been married 15 years) and if he hadn’t wanted to go all in in terms of sharing everything etc alarm bells would be ringing for me.

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