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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No support from "friends" after bereavement

68 replies

LittleMermaidRose · 20/02/2023 23:34

Last week I lost a dear family member that I was very close to. It was sudden and unexpected and it has left me with such a hole in my heart.

I messaged what I thought was my 4 closest friends on the day to tell them the bad news and how I was feeling. I told them how devastated I was and how I was really struggling to cope.

Friend 1 - sent me a lovely message and has checked in on me every day

Friend 2 - one word response - "sorry"

Friend 3 - invited me out for coffee to "cheer me up" then ignored my response

Friend 4 - replied "aw that's so sad" then sent 5 paragraphs all about her routine physio appointment

I'm so hurt and disappointed by the lack of care and support from "friends" 2,3 and 4. These are friends that I have supported through bereavements, breakups, health issues etc. I've always been there for them but they can't seem to do the same for me?
I'm not expecting much but even just a message to say they were thinking about me would have been lovely. It's been a week now and I've heard nothing from them. I haven't engaged with them either

I don't know if I'm being extra sensitive or dramatic because I know I'm grieving but I feel like I've also lost close friendships that I thought I had too.
This has been the worst time of my life and they are nowhere to been seen. They've made me feel so alone.

I would appreciate other's perspective on this as I'm feeling as though I just want to cut them off completely.

OP posts:
dotdotdotdash · 20/02/2023 23:39

I will be honest that I focus more these days on trying to be a good friend (which I’m not always) rather than thinking about what they do for me. Then I’m pleasantly surprised when they show up for me. I don’t really expect it… and happier for that. Sorry for your loss OP

VooVooV · 20/02/2023 23:40

I’m very sorry for your loss @LittleMermaidRose and I’m glad Friend 1 is being supportive.
Re the others :

A) they just simply don’t know what to say (I too went through a bereavement recently and until I contacted some people, this was the case - they just are so worried about saying the wrong thing, they don’t say anything)

B) they are simply selfish, self-absorbed arseholes

I hope it is the former.

💐

Getolderbutneverwiser · 20/02/2023 23:42

I am so sorry for your loss!!

Shitty responses from those you thought were friends will only add to the hurt you are already feeling.

I would feel the same way in your position, it sounds like some of these friends are wrapped up in themselves.

Sounds like friend 1 is being a good friend. Focus on them for now, let the others come to you, you have your own pain to deal with and don’t need to be second guessing the behaviour of others right now. It doesn’t sound like they are being supportive so focus on those who are there for you, and getting through this difficult time.

Pureradio · 20/02/2023 23:46

That's crap, I'm so sorry for what you are going through right now. Are they all friends with each other too? Just wondering if you told friend 1, would she filter through to the others that you are feeling uncared for? Hugs xx

Original poster
LittleMermaidRose · 20/02/2023 23:48

Thank you very much.
Acquaintances from work have actually been more supportive than my so called friends, which I think is really highlighting the issue more for me.

I'm not even sure how to respond if they do ever get in touch again

OP posts:
Lbnc2021 · 20/02/2023 23:48

My best friend of 31 years has not spoken or texted me once since my dad passed away 18 months ago. Totally bizarre.

AtrociousCircumstance · 20/02/2023 23:54

If you have lost an uncle or aunt, or another family member that isn’t a parent or sibling, the friends might not understand how much they meant to you if they don’t have close relationships with their aunts/uncles. Maybe they just don’t get it.

Still not ok, because if a friend says I have lost x and I’m heartbroken, whoever that person may be, then you show up for your friend and give support (like your lovely friend 1).

Sorry for your loss OP Flowers

cassiatwenty · 20/02/2023 23:55

Not kind. Friend 1 did well so that's good. I'm so sorry for your loss, OP. It's good that you feel supported at work right now.

I suppose people think they have to do something really important and profound in times of loss, yet just being there for your friend is okay.

yodayoga1 · 20/02/2023 23:57

Some of my closest friends were absolutely crap when my mum died. It took a while but I eventually learned (particularly through a frank conversation with one of them) that they care very much about me but simply don't know how to deal with bereavement. It definitely wasn't personal and I was able to move past it. They've returned to being wonderful, supportive friends in other areas of my life. It's just that bereavement is way too hard for some people. Sorry for your loss.

Danneigh · 21/02/2023 00:00

What was the relation to you that has passed (sorry by the way).

Friend 1 - all good
Friend 2 - all good (just prob doesn't know what to say)
Friend 3 - what was your response that they ignored?
Friend 4 - Dodgy

Original poster
LittleMermaidRose · 21/02/2023 00:09

It was my close cousin that passed. We lived together since we were young teenagers until our mid twenties, seen each other all then time. My friends knew her also, they knew how close we were.

As for the friend that ignored me, she had asked if I wanted to meet over the weekend. I said I would really like that and that I would be free on Friday and Saturday. She left me on read, but managed to post pictures of herself out for cocktails on fb. I guess that just stung a bit

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 21/02/2023 00:13

Sadly it can sometimes take a situation like this to learn which of your friends are truly capable of supporting you. It can take decades to really know someone.

Cocktails friend - pretty unforgivable.

Danneigh · 21/02/2023 00:18

Pretty shit of them. I dont know if I'd end a friendship over it if it was an isolated incident, is friend 3 normally flakey?

Ladybird69 · 21/02/2023 00:25

My mum died , i was distraught. We were more like best friends than mother and daughter. We had her funeral and after that I was totalled blanked by everyone, family, close friends, people I grew up with, mums best friends. People who I’d had in my life for 50+ years, just gone out of my life as well as my Mum no reason why.
I thought at first it was because they didn’t know what to say! But now I think it’s because it made them feel awkward and they didn’t want to have to deal with it! Do you think that is what your friends are doing to you.

cassiatwenty · 21/02/2023 00:28

Friend 3, not cool

Aquamarine1029 · 21/02/2023 00:31

I'm sorry for your loss. It's times like these when you really figure out who your friends are.

Original poster
LittleMermaidRose · 21/02/2023 00:37

I really don't know what's going on with them.
To me, it only takes a few seconds to write "thinking of you" or "how are you" but those few seconds can really help someone feel cared about. It's like I'm not even worth those few seconds out of their day. It's been a week.

I don't plan on never talking to them again or anything like that. I just don't think I can call them friends anymore.

OP posts:
Hillsmakeyoustrong · 21/02/2023 01:05

I hear this so many times and especially about acquaintances or less close friends being better at supporting. I don't think people have the capacity for perceived emotional work in friendships. It's a shame as so much depth and connection comes from sharing the vulnerable times as well as the good times. After one of my bereavements, I gave my close friends six weeks to make a comeback and then was pretty frank with them. A couple of them were mortified and deeply sorry and we are stronger for it, the others just fizzled out.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Hoistupthemainsail · 21/02/2023 01:22

I had the same when my Dsis died. Some friends were amazing but those I thought would be there for me simply weren't. I live abroad and when I went back to the UK for the funeral one suggested I take a few days out of visiting my family to go and see her - she couldn't be bothered to come and see me. It was an eye opener and heartbreaking on top of everything else.

Oblomov23 · 21/02/2023 02:55

I think you are expecting too much. Friend 1 was nice, even friend 4 acknowledged it.

Many dont have particularly close family relations other than parents. So a close, say aunt, isn't that common.

I've been shocked at how unforgiving companies are to losses. When my lovely mil passed, sil 5 was only given a few days off by work, which was not enough. Many firms only give 2 days. And one for the funeral.

Oblomov23 · 21/02/2023 03:05

Sorry, just seen update that it was close cousin. I would expect a bit more from friends re that.

BearFacedCheekGrylls · 21/02/2023 03:11

I had this when I lost a sibling, it was a real eye opener and told me who my friends actually were. Like you I had more of a response from my cleaner then some people I thought I was close to.
One thing that helped was reaching out to another friend and saying how difficult I was finding it. People are so crap on the whole at acknowledging other people’s bereavement in the UK, crossing the street, not bringing it up for fear of saying the wrong thing.
Im sorry for your loss x

SlaveToTheVibe · 21/02/2023 03:26

Until my mum died in December I had no real understanding of how inadequate my response had been to other deaths. It makes me cringe actually: it’s possible that only person 1 has ever lost anybody and the others are unaware of how precious your cousin was. How old are you all? I’m assuming quite going.

Nonetheless, cocktail girl can cock off.

I had the opposite problem - a friend of 20 years who had been very obviously ignoring me for months (even my question as ti why she was ignoring me went unanswered 😂) suddenly sprang into life. I found that really offensive. don’t speak to me just because my mother has died and shove your “why didn’t you tell me” bollocks up your ass. I sent her packing pronto. Nobody tells you how raw and vulnerable you are in the wake of something so traumatic even now three months later I literally cannot be around anybody who isn’t fully sensitive and supportive. I am so sorry for your loss.

WentForAWalk · 21/02/2023 03:32

Honestly, like a PP until I experienced a death of a very close friend I had no idea the impact a death could have. It was my first experience of a close death.

I was embarrassed of how I reacted to others losses and actually spoke and apologised to two friends about the lack of support I'd shown previously.

So sorry about the loss of your cousin.

Pureradio · 21/02/2023 03:59

Definitely think people who haven't experienced a close death just don't realise how awful it feels.