No support from "friends" after bereavement

[LittleMermaidRose]

Last week I lost a dear family member that I was very close to. It was sudden and unexpected and it has left me with such a hole in my heart.

I messaged what I thought was my 4 closest friends on the day to tell them the bad news and how I was feeling. I told them how devastated I was and how I was really struggling to cope.

Friend 1 - sent me a lovely message and has checked in on me every day

Friend 2 - one word response - "sorry"

Friend 3 - invited me out for coffee to "cheer me up" then ignored my response

Friend 4 - replied "aw that's so sad" then sent 5 paragraphs all about her routine physio appointment

I'm so hurt and disappointed by the lack of care and support from "friends" 2,3 and 4. These are friends that I have supported through bereavements, breakups, health issues etc. I've always been there for them but they can't seem to do the same for me?
I'm not expecting much but even just a message to say they were thinking about me would have been lovely. It's been a week now and I've heard nothing from them. I haven't engaged with them either

I don't know if I'm being extra sensitive or dramatic because I know I'm grieving but I feel like I've also lost close friendships that I thought I had too.
This has been the worst time of my life and they are nowhere to been seen. They've made me feel so alone.

I would appreciate other's perspective on this as I'm feeling as though I just want to cut them off completely.

I lost a lot of friends when a parent died. It really sucks. The people who were most supportive were not the ones I would have expected, although we're far closer as a result. So sorry for your loss OP.

Awe love, that's hard, however your friend who had gone out, it can be hard to support someone who is bereaved, she may have been with other people getting ready for a night out etc and will msg tomorrow or whatever to arrange.

Having suffered close bereavement myself I know how much it takes over your life but you expect others to be so usurped by your grief.

People are really weird about bereavement. Which is odd, considering we're all likely to encounter it.

To be honest unless they are close to their cousins I think they just dont understand. For example I havent seen any of cousins for at least five years. If I heard one of them had passed away I would probably be like your friend who said that's so sad (and then immediately forget about it). I am not saying you are wrong to be upset about your cousin or your friends reactions. I am just saying I can understand why they didnt get it and reacted the way they did.

Really sorry for your loss @LittleMermaidRose

You really do find out who your friends are in bereavement. A clichė but it's true.

Talk to the people who've shown they care and try not to waste energy on the others. They don't deserve the headspace when you've enough to deal with

Bereavement showed me who my real friends were. Those who had not suffered a close bereavement often did not get it. Even those who had and who I had supported were not there for me. Conversely some people who were not close to me did express their condolences in a sensitive way. Some of my friendships changed permanently.

Yes perhaps they just don't know what to say. To me it just doesn't seem like they care though.
We're all in our early 30's and I've supported them through loses of grandparents, some that were very close, some not so much.
Again maybe I'm just extra sensitive atm, I just feel like I won't be able to see them in the same light again

I’m so sorry for your loss. Some people don’t know how to behave around bereavement. Do you have enough support with family and your friend who replied. If you do then just concentrate on them and getting through the next few weeks.

But if you need more perhaps try messaging the other three but say what you need from them ie. Could we get a time in for that coffee, can I give you a call - can you come round and keep me company. If they still can’t show up for you then I’d prob cool the friendship. That said my best friend was rubbish when I had a bereavement but a few months later is clearly trying to make up for not being there at the time - she just had no idea what to say as she’d never lost anyone, at first I was angry but now I’ve accepted that she just wasn’t able to offer the support I wanted from her, and ultimately I don’t want to lose her over it.

Yanbu op, sorry for your loss. It doesn't take much, barely nothing to send a text of support. I think in times like these you realise who your true friends are. Absolutely pathetic responses from them. I would seriously reconsider friendships.

I think everyone just carries on in their own world. They might briefly think, oh that’s awful, then they’re back to being busy with their own life. I don’t think it makes them a bad person if they are a good friend in other ways.

Also a lot of people grieve quietly and don’t expect a lot from friends.

Reading this thread has made me feel that none of my friends have said anything since I lost a close member of my family two years ago apart from at the time I told them. On the other hand they were amazingly supportive when I divorced and made the effort to meet up with me regularly.

Sorry for your loss.
id say it’s because either they don’t know how much the person meant to you if it’s not a parent/sibling.
if a friend’s aunt died suddenly (for example), I’d say I was sorry to hear that, ask a bit about it and possibly check in once more then move on. If they’d been ill and friend had spoken about them a lot I’d be more invested and sympathetic.
I’ve had both my parents pass on, plus other relatives but beyond my parents dying I didn’t expect much from friends when other family members died apart from maybe my best friend who knew most of them, or at least their significance to me.

Hi Op

Sorry about your recent loss,

I think bereavement can either make certain people struggle with what to say , for fear of saying the wrong thing,

Also their maybe is a feeling 🤔 if this can happen to her, what if it happens to me,
(It just doesn't bear thinking about thought pattern,

So they are in denial/head stuck in sand like ostrich about finality of life/death cycle,

Also I think if your friends have never experienced a close significant family member dying,
They can be clueless about how intense how shit ect it feels to experince this kind of thing,

How are these friendships overall make you usaully feel/think then Op then?

Does it tend to be one sided, often in other ways too?

I think you may have to Consirder that you have outgrown these kinds of friendships Op,

You can move on and seek and create other potential friendships through interests you share with them ect

Cocktails on fb and she didn’t read your message. Awful.

She is no friend is she.

I am really sorry to hear your news and sorry for your loss xx

If you usually get on with them in other ways Op,

Create /cultivate other friendships too, so not depend on these friends all the time,

Certain friends can be beneficial in different ways one friend can make you laugh but would not be someone you turn to serious advice stuff,
Another friend is good for that type of talk,as they are just that way inclined,

Another friend is good to good to go to see Arts cultural stuff,
Maybe other ones maybe too, if you asked them,
They might they like doing this now and again for refreshing change ect

See what I mean,

I would reflect on how the friendships make you feel over all and take it from there...

it’s because it made them feel awkward and they didn’t want to have to deal with it

I don't think people have the capacity for perceived emotional work in friendships

I think everyone just carries on in their own world. They might briefly think, oh that’s awful, then they’re back to being busy with their own life.

OP, I'm so sorry for your loss. 💐

The above points from various PPs are all very relevant.

I have had this, a lot. I have gone through some very difficult times, including bereavement but also dealing with an abusive ex. The single hardest thing is that those who should care, close friends & family, were not there, when I would have been (and was) for them.

In some cases I don't think I'll ever get over it.

Having reflected a lot, I've realised that many people are focused only on their own life & those close to them, and even simple acts like a text, or a few words, do not occur to them. This isn't all bad - I realised through this that I sometimes put others ahead of myself & kids too much.

Equally, many people are selfish. It's an effort to engage with someone's pain & grief, even though the act might be small in itself (eg cocktail friend). Some people just don't care about others enough. I find this baffling - I'm not some saint, but I genuinely want to hear about what people are going through, listen, remember their loss. Other people simply don't think - and honestly don't care.

I will say you are fortunate to have Friend 1. Sometimes all we need is 1 or 2 key people who are there.

You can at a later stage decide what to do re Friends 2 - 4 - say something, distance yourself etc.

I'm very sorry about your cousin, it's very hard.

I’m sorry, OP. On top of the bereavement, finding out your friends are not as supportive as you would wish - it is a hard and sad realisation. I think most people are very self-absorbed.

Over the years I experienced some losses but most were in the natural order of things, a beloved but elderly relative passing away. But then some friends my age died and the sudden passing of a very close friend who was also a friend’s husband was devastating in a way I hadn’t experienced before. It really is an eye opener how people react.

Little mermaid.

I'm a week into a devastating loss.

I text a handful of close friends on the day and had a range if reactions.

My group chat waits for me to message but are then all sympathetic and check in.

And other friends check in daily.

It's not their loss and unfortunatly because of the circumstances, they don't know what to say. But they're love for me is there and I can feel it because I know when I reach out they message back and want to make sure I'm okay.

I'm sorry you feel your friends haven't been there. It's a sad time and I'm only getting through it day by day.

Maybe reach out again, they probably don't know what to say or whether to bother you during this time.

I have had, through my life, multiple bereavements of people very close to me and I believe that makes me very good at supporting someone when someone they love dies too soon. But because of the circumstances of the deaths I’ve experienced, I know it means I struggle to understand grief when someone dies at a grand old age.

I think that means I have possibly not given enough support to friends when their elderly parents have died etc. I think, for me, the tragedy of a sudden death isn’t there so I haven’t understood that the grief is still all encompassing. I know this isn’t your situation and I’m very sorry for your loss but your post has made me reflect on what kind of friend I am.

I think many people have compassion fatigue now. Which doesn't make it right. But many are still struggling with CoL and the fallout of the pandemic. I have experienced similar treatment from friends.

People do not know what to say when someone dies. We are not programmed to deal with death very well. Some people want to be left alone as they are trying to process what has happened (I know I was). Some people want to talk about their loss, but its best to talk to someone who wants to talk and not to someone who does not know what to say, how to say it and how to behave.

I've only read your posts OP. I'm so sorry. My cousin was my best friend, and in many ways my other half. She died when we were in our 20s and it broke me tbh. 14 years on and I still miss her although I'm fine.

My friends (who hardly knew her) still check in with me on her anniversary every year. They were amazing in that first difficult year.

I would be rethinking the friendships. I'm so sorry.

No probably not helpful but to show everyone handles things differently, when I am grieving someone I want people to tell me their news, something funny that happened to them at work or a silly story about their kids the fact they were annoyed in the supermarket whatever

I don't want 500 people telling me they are sorry,it is no help whatsoever.

But unless people tell you how to act they don't know, the way people act towards me is a million times more important than just words that can just be used to tick the 'what to do when someone dies box'

A friend of 40 years mother died and I was there for her all through it.

My father died 4 years after, she didn't call or text me for weeks. When she did call she accused me of not caring about her as I didn't reach out about the anniversary of her mothers death!

Needless to say we're no longer friends.

I’m so sorry for your loss OP.
Glad you have a kind, understanding friend in Friend 1.

Regarding the other 3 friends, I wouldn’t write them off or assume they aren’t good friends, for the following reasons;

• A lot of people aren’t close to their cousins, and wouldn’t automatically understand you and your cousin were super close friends, and how much the loss of your cousin would affect you. I was close to my cousins growing up but not anymore, and I think this is true of a lot of people (not for any real reason, just drifting as you became adults). It’s lovely you had this relationship with your cousin but not necessarily something everyone would relate to.
• They don’t know what to say because they’re worried about upsetting you or trying to cheer you up by changing the subject

This.