No support from "friends" after bereavement

[LittleMermaidRose]

Last week I lost a dear family member that I was very close to. It was sudden and unexpected and it has left me with such a hole in my heart.

I messaged what I thought was my 4 closest friends on the day to tell them the bad news and how I was feeling. I told them how devastated I was and how I was really struggling to cope.

Friend 1 - sent me a lovely message and has checked in on me every day

Friend 2 - one word response - "sorry"

Friend 3 - invited me out for coffee to "cheer me up" then ignored my response

Friend 4 - replied "aw that's so sad" then sent 5 paragraphs all about her routine physio appointment

I'm so hurt and disappointed by the lack of care and support from "friends" 2,3 and 4. These are friends that I have supported through bereavements, breakups, health issues etc. I've always been there for them but they can't seem to do the same for me?
I'm not expecting much but even just a message to say they were thinking about me would have been lovely. It's been a week now and I've heard nothing from them. I haven't engaged with them either

I don't know if I'm being extra sensitive or dramatic because I know I'm grieving but I feel like I've also lost close friendships that I thought I had too.
This has been the worst time of my life and they are nowhere to been seen. They've made me feel so alone.

I would appreciate other's perspective on this as I'm feeling as though I just want to cut them off completely.

If OP lived with her cousin for years, remained close with her, and the friends knew that and knew the cousin, then they should have some awareness that this is not the equivalent of the death of a distant aunt. It shouldn't be a big leap to realise that OP will be devastated by the sudden and unexpected death of a close friend.

Some people want support after a bereavement and others want to be left alone. You haven't been clear with your friend about your needs/wants.

I am so sorry for your loss.

I ended a friendship of forty years after my mother died. My friend flew in from the other side of the world when she knew my mother didn't have long to live as she had been very close to her when we were younger. I appreciated her making that effort. However, after my mum's death, she switched modes immediately and was off in a social whirl, meeting for cocktails and dinners with all and sundry and posting on social media what an amazing time she was having. She would invite me along when I was so devastated I could barely leave the house and then seem a bit miffed when I declined. She just couldn't understand why I didn't want to meet up for fun time when I was shellshocked with grief and trying to arrange a funeral. She came to the funeral and brought her two youngish DC and at the reception flounced around introducing her 'wonderful children' to everyone. She was too busy to see me after the funeral and flew out again a couple of days later. I realised that I had always made excuses for the narcissist she had always been and I just didn't want her in my life any longer. I haven't spoken to her since and have been happier without her presence in my life.

they don’t know how much the person meant to you if it’s not a parent/sibling.

The thing is, OP told them. She reached out & said she was struggling. That she needed support.

I understand people may not always realise what others are experiencing or feeling. But when they are told,, as close friends they should care & respond appropriately but unfortunately it's not the case.
It's a really deep pain when that happens.

This is a completely different situation but I felt the same towards friends after I experienced a twin pregnancy loss. I expected a shoulder to cry on and listening ears but unfortunately I got avoided and only a couple of friends spoke about it, the rest acted as if it never happened. Which was quite a shock from people who were my best friends. I spoke to a few people who experienced loss of either family members, friends, miscarriages and apparently this is really common (unfortunately) and that your friends likely do care but do not know how to respond or what to say. A lot of people struggle with death / grief. Some people think they’re doing right by just not saying anything but to the person grieving doesn’t always like this.

I’m so sorry for your loss xx

So sorry for your loss OP that is sad and so young too. I can only imagine how you are feeling.

I had a very difficult experience and I realised that I had attracted pretty similar friends to yours over the years. Some were extremely and even surprisingly good but some were I realised utterly self centred and I had served as their listening ear never the reverse for decades for some of them. The whole experience caused me to reevaluate my friendships and while I still have most of them I am not as available as before to some.

Nobody can please us all the time and everyone is different however the one that went on about her appointments that's not good. I wouldn't do that.

Just focus on the good people.

With grief it can sometimes feel like a 'damned if you do damned if you don't' situaiton - someone dealing with exactly the same kind of death may be desperate to talk about it while others just want to talk about anything else. You'd hope close friends could read you well enough but it's often a reminder that all of us live in our own bubbles most of the time.

Shocking

@lazycats I agree completely if I’m honest. People don’t know what to say out of worry they’ll say the wrong thing as well x

In situations like this I often overthink my reply, not wanting it to come across wrong at a difficult time. I can sometimes then convince myself that the thought I put into the response WAS my response and I'd actually sent it!

Thanks everyone it's given me a lot to think about. I'm really quite shocked to hear that a lot of you have experienced the same.
I don't think they're bad people, but I think I'll put these friendships on the back burner now

Concentrate for now on the people who are supporting you. It will not always be the ones you expect as you are finding out.

Some people genuinely don’t understand grief and what is helpful or not. The one line ‘sorry’ may have felt enough to them.

Im ashamed that back in my 20s two friends lost their Dads. It was pre internet and mobile phones so I sent a card and called but that was it.

Now, much older and a bit wiser I try very hard to be better than that. I recently lost my very much loved dog. I had lots of love and care from some people and almost none from some close family members. I won’t forget that but I’m not holding a grudge. It’s just who they are. Some people would genuinely give you the shirt off their back but would struggle to share a few tears.

It's really about thinking of other people & how they might experience grief, isn't it?

A PP was very right that different people want different things when grieving - some people don't want to talk, some do.

But for me, what's important is to put yourself in the space for that connection - if they want it. A friend lost her young DS, she cannot talk about it. We are friends through a shared activity so it's not like we interact in all areas of our lives. I check in, remember birthdays, anniversaries ... I'm not saying it helps, I doubt it does, but she knows at least that I care & remember. It's very little but I feel it's not nothing at least.

I have also been moved by people who have asked how I'm doing eg with bereavement months or more after the event. Often these have been colleagues that I wouldn't be personally close to but I really appreciate their thought.

I think this lets people off too lightly. I've never experienced the death of someone really close to me but I can imagine what that must feel like (and I have no imagination!). And I know for definite that someone I care about is hurt and sad - bereavement being the cause - so I will respond to that hurt and sadness like a decent human being. Death is part of life, like relationships ending, getting fired, breaking limbs, illness, etc..You either care about a person or you don't..

Yes that's exactly how I feel. And some days I've been finding it hard to reply to messages but it's the thought and care behind the messages that's making me feel better and loved. I know they come from a good place.
When someone can't even be bothered to send a 10 second text, it really says to me that I don't mean very much to them.

Yes, I agree it lets people off the hook too easily. It only takes 10 secs to send a text.

People don't need to say something wise, profound or perfect. Just them being there ought to be enough.

How are you doing little mermaid?

It's 2 weeks today here and it's not got any easier