Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dad has gone back on his word on short notice

51 replies

flowerpeople · 20/02/2023 17:45

I am currently on a very low income and my dad is aware of this. My car insurance is due at the end of this month. Its service is also due now. I had mentioned this to him about six weeks before my renewal date as I was researching to find a rough price of what I should expect to pay. I didn't ask my dad for help with my car insurance, but she offered of his own volition to pay for it if I paid for the car service. This was very kind of him.

I have saved the money for my car to be serviced. Today I mentioned to my dad I had been looking at car insurance quotes. He then responded by saying he had been thinking about the situation and that he actually is not in a position to help me with my car insurance.

AIBU to be quite upset about this? It's not about not receiving the money from him (although I don't know how I'm going to now get the money together for my car insurance before the end of this month!), but it's more that he promised me something and then casually mentioned several weeks later when I brought it up again that she couldn't fulfil that promise. Obviously we can't always keep minor promises if something comes up but this one is a fairly big deal! I said to him that's ok, I understand, but in future I would prefer it if he didn't say he could do something that he wasn't going to be able to fulfil. He didn't respond to this - he simply carried on reading his book and I am supposed to be ok with the situation.

A similar (less expensive) situation happened once before but generally I thought he was fairly reliable.

I just wish he'd come to me as soon as he knew he couldn't go through with it rather than leaving me to go to him and landing an unexpected expense on me at short notice. I don't know when he was planning on telling me if I hadn't prompted him. I feel like he hasn't treated me very well. AIBU?

OP posts:
ChangesUsername · 20/02/2023 17:51

He has not treated you well at all, that's really unkind to withdraw a promise like that
Do you think it's a control/power thing?

gamerchick · 20/02/2023 17:53

I think you'll have to put off the service. Pay the insurance and save again for the service

Hankunamatata · 20/02/2023 17:55

Don't service the car and pay the insurance

Nishky32 · 20/02/2023 17:56

Can you pay for insurance in monthly instalments. I know it is more expensive but for one year may make it possible to do both

LIZS · 20/02/2023 17:58

Can you afford monthly instalments for insurance? Does he have form for overpromisng?

Original poster
flowerpeople · 20/02/2023 17:59

Yes I will have to postpone the service and use the money I had saved for it towards my insurance (although the insurance is significantly more expensive than the service so still I have a shortfall to find) or perhaps pay monthly as @Nishky32 has suggested.

I'm interested to know if I am being unreasonable re how my dad has treated me? I don't know if it's a control thing @ChangesUsername but it's made me feel very unimportant and hurt.

OP posts:
DashboardConfessional · 20/02/2023 18:00

That's not at all kind. If he's done it before, it's like he gets to bask in your thanks for being generous for a bit, then rescinds without following through!

I agree you'll have to put off the service for now.

RightOnTheEdge · 20/02/2023 18:02

I think it's fair enough to offer something and then realise after that you've made a mistake.
I think he's wrong though to not have told you straight away. When would he have told you if you hadn't asked?

jannier · 20/02/2023 18:03

Put off service and do insurance on monthly instalments

Tinkerbyebye · 20/02/2023 18:22

I don’t think you are unreasonable, your father said he would assist, and you made plans based on that

at least you now know he won’t help with anything and can ignore any future ‘offer’

laundryschmaundry · 20/02/2023 18:26

I'm baffled by their being actual grown ups out there who still rely on their parents to pay regular bills (I'm not talking about big, unexpected, need a new boiler expenses).

YABU imo, he offered then realised he couldn't help for whatever reason. If you'd posted to say you'd offered something to an adult child then realised you weren't in a position to be able to help no one would be suggesting that you would be unreasonable to explain that and rescind the offer.

DancingDaughter50 · 20/02/2023 18:27

How. Odd is he normally like this??

Perhaps he has had a shock of sorts?
Is he retired? Still work?

If he's normally an upstanding man I wouldn't pay much attention except to be concerned that he is OK.

MobyJeff · 20/02/2023 18:29

I wonder if he doesn't properly understand that you really, genuinely can't afford to pay both, as opposed to for example just find it a nuisance? I am grandparent age, and I find that many people my age have never been in this position. When they say they can't afford to pay both, they mean, "I have to get money fro my savings, tut, what a nuisance!"

DashboardConfessional · 20/02/2023 18:32

laundryschmaundry · 20/02/2023 18:26

I'm baffled by their being actual grown ups out there who still rely on their parents to pay regular bills (I'm not talking about big, unexpected, need a new boiler expenses).

YABU imo, he offered then realised he couldn't help for whatever reason. If you'd posted to say you'd offered something to an adult child then realised you weren't in a position to be able to help no one would be suggesting that you would be unreasonable to explain that and rescind the offer.

They would if the poster said they waited until their adult child asked for the money to tell them it was off the table!

aswellascanbeexpected · 20/02/2023 18:38

it’s not really possible to say who is being unreasonable
In the past 4 weeks my mortgage has gone up by £150 month, water by £15 month, broadband by £10 month and my own car insurance doubled.
Suddenly my budget has just exploded, and that’s not accounting for food, so perhaps what he could afford a few weeks he can’t now.
Ask him?

Stickstickstickstickstick · 20/02/2023 18:41

laundryschmaundry · 20/02/2023 18:26

I'm baffled by their being actual grown ups out there who still rely on their parents to pay regular bills (I'm not talking about big, unexpected, need a new boiler expenses).

YABU imo, he offered then realised he couldn't help for whatever reason. If you'd posted to say you'd offered something to an adult child then realised you weren't in a position to be able to help no one would be suggesting that you would be unreasonable to explain that and rescind the offer.

You can’t imagine someone struggling for cash during a cost of living crisis?

Kangarude · 20/02/2023 18:42

How were you going to pay it before he offered?

DedicatedFollowerOfFashion84 · 20/02/2023 18:43

Pay the car insurance monthly and then you’d also be able to afford the service?

GatoradeMeBitch · 20/02/2023 18:48

Next time he makes a promise to you, call it in right away. "I'd like to buy you a new kitchen." "Awesome Dad, let's get over to Homebase!"

Yes, maybe adults shouldn't be reliant on parents, but plenty of parents rely on their adult children for money too. If things aren't going well, it's your family that should be there for you.

NoGoodUsernamee · 20/02/2023 18:49

I mean, it’s not nice if your dad. But I have never been able to pay a years insurance upfront, it’s always been monthly instalments. I think paying it all in one lump sum is a bit of a luxury, as is a service really. I know it’s best for the car and when it comes to re-sale but I think if you’re skint you need to manage your expectations.

Regretsandregrets · 20/02/2023 18:50

Sorry OP. You were treated poorly. Delay your car service and pay car insurance monthly. Shop around for a better deal on your car insurance.

Applesandcarrots · 20/02/2023 18:50

It is bit shitty he left it until you asked but... Maybe he "doesn't like confrontation" (as they say here) and hoped your situation will change.
He absolutely should have said as aoon as he knew so yanbu to be upset about difficult situation, yabu to "feel unimportant"

laundryschmaundry · 20/02/2023 18:52

@Stickstickstickstickstick struggling is not servicing a car or paying insurance upfront.

If you're struggling then your car insurance gets paid monthly (yes, I know it's more expensive but needs must) and your service gets put off.

Viviennemary · 20/02/2023 18:57

It wasn't nice for you whennuou were relying on it. But you have to see it from his point of view. His bills will have gone up too. And he maybe thought it wasn't sensible to help you if it left him in financial difficulties.,

GiltEdges · 20/02/2023 18:59

Be careful about postponing the service if your car is still relatively new, you could devalue it.

Some insurers now offer interest free instalments to pay monthly, so it's worth shopping around and seeing what you can find.