Page 2 | Dad has gone back on his word on short notice

flowerpeople · 2023-02-20T17:45:02+00:00

I am currently on a very low income and my dad is aware of this. My car insurance is due at the end of this month. Its service is also due now. I had mentioned this to him about six weeks before my renewal date as I was researching to find a rough price of what I should expect to pay. I didn't ask my dad for help with my car insurance, but she offered of his own volition to pay for it if I paid for the car service. This was very kind of him. I have saved the money for my car to be serviced. Today I mentioned to my dad I had been looking at car insurance quotes. He then responded by saying he had been thinking about the situation and that he actually is not in a position to help me with my car insurance. AIBU to be quite upset about this? It's not about not receiving the money from him (although I don't know how I'm going to now get the money together for my car insurance before the end of this month!), but it's more that he promised me something and then casually mentioned several weeks later when I brought it up again that she couldn't fulfil that promise. Obviously we can't always keep minor promises if something comes up but this one is a fairly big deal! I said to him that's ok, I understand, but in future I would prefer it if he didn't say he could do something that he wasn't going to be able to fulfil. He didn't respond to this - he simply carried on reading his book and I am supposed to be ok with the situation. A similar (less expensive) situation happened once before but generally I thought he was fairly reliable. I just wish he'd come to me as soon as he knew he couldn't go through with it rather than leaving me to go to him and landing an unexpected expense on me at short notice. I don't know when he was planning on telling me if I hadn't prompted him. I feel like he hasn't treated me very well. AIBU?

Stickstickstickstickstick · 20/02/2023 19:01

laundryschmaundry · 20/02/2023 18:52

@Stickstickstickstickstick struggling is not servicing a car or paying insurance upfront.

If you're struggling then your car insurance gets paid monthly (yes, I know it's more expensive but needs must) and your service gets put off.

And OP has literally posted that she now can’t get the car serviced and she’ll have to pay monthly so, which is what you’ve just described as struggling.

journeyofinsanity · 20/02/2023 19:02

Viviennemary · 20/02/2023 18:57

It wasn't nice for you whennuou were relying on it. But you have to see it from his point of view. His bills will have gone up too. And he maybe thought it wasn't sensible to help you if it left him in financial difficulties.,

Missing the point. It's not the not paying, it's the casual way he didn't bother telling the OP until she said it was time to pay. And then not even looking up from his book as he brushed her off and said he wasn't going to after all. As soon as he realised he couldn't he should have given OP a heads up

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 20/02/2023 19:02

It's not nice that he didn't tell you beforehand, but everyone's bills have shot up lately so maybe he realised that he just couldn't afford it anymore.

You'll just need to pay your insurance monthly and put your service off for a while.

Changingplace · 20/02/2023 19:02

Yeah disappointing but ultimately it’s your bill to pay and unless he’s absolutely rolling in it everyone’s bills have gone up recently.

Why were you planning on paying your insurance in one go anyway? Just pay monthly, much more manageable especially if you’re not flush.

Pay insurance monthly, save a bit more for the service, that will help you budget overall.

DashboardConfessional · 20/02/2023 19:05

Why were you planning on paying your insurance in one go anyway? Just pay monthly, much more manageable especially if you’re not flush.

It's cheaper. Having less money is expensive. The Vimes "boots" theory and all that.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 20/02/2023 19:10

DashboardConfessional · 20/02/2023 18:00

That's not at all kind. If he's done it before, it's like he gets to bask in your thanks for being generous for a bit, then rescinds without following through!

I agree you'll have to put off the service for now.

I've known people do that and its so hurtful. Not so much because they won't help with whatever, but the fact that they were happy to bask, when I now realise they had zero intention of helping. And they knew that when the promised.
It is a real dent in your trust. And it makes you feel like a real supplicant when you ask them about it and they primly say they can't help. Why not just say that in the first place.

Applesandcarrots · 20/02/2023 19:10

DashboardConfessional · 20/02/2023 19:05

Why were you planning on paying your insurance in one go anyway? Just pay monthly, much more manageable especially if you’re not flush.

It's cheaper. Having less money is expensive. The Vimes "boots" theory and all that.

As unfair as it sounds, unfortunately, it is logical that paying at once (or buying bigger packs etc) will be cheaper. It's passed on saving from admin (storage and packaging).

I believe average wxtra is about £50 a year on insurance which while it would be nice not having to pay it, is still in some way acceptable. If it was like 20% that would be VERY unfair.

BellePeppa · 20/02/2023 19:13

laundryschmaundry · 20/02/2023 18:26

I'm baffled by their being actual grown ups out there who still rely on their parents to pay regular bills (I'm not talking about big, unexpected, need a new boiler expenses).

YABU imo, he offered then realised he couldn't help for whatever reason. If you'd posted to say you'd offered something to an adult child then realised you weren't in a position to be able to help no one would be suggesting that you would be unreasonable to explain that and rescind the offer.

Yet lots of older parents look to their adult children to look out for them either financially or with ‘care’. It’s not a one way street.

DashboardConfessional · 20/02/2023 19:14

Applesandcarrots · 20/02/2023 19:10

As unfair as it sounds, unfortunately, it is logical that paying at once (or buying bigger packs etc) will be cheaper. It's passed on saving from admin (storage and packaging).

I believe average wxtra is about £50 a year on insurance which while it would be nice not having to pay it, is still in some way acceptable. If it was like 20% that would be VERY unfair.

Show quote history

I know, I am an insurance broker! I am just surprised when people don't realise that you're entering into a credit agreement with interest when paying monthly and advise others to "just pay monthly" as if it's same same but different.

StressMagnet · 20/02/2023 19:14

I have a friend who makes grand offers of help, then withdraws them near the time when I check the details. I think it's extremely bad behaviour. He should have told you, not waited for you to ask at the deadline. It has broken my trust

alpenguin · 20/02/2023 19:14

I appreciate how upsetting it is when you’ve relied on a promise from your parents and they change their mind. I’m not sure there’s a lot can be done about this situation. He doesn’t have the money and no amount of feeling let down will change that.

it doesn’t invalidate your feelings though. My mother forever makes promises she can’t keep and she also never mentions that she can’t anymore and it only crops up when I ask her about it and her guilt makes her blame me and be horrible to me about it. It’s never about money for me but it doesn’t hurt less.

DashboardConfessional · 20/02/2023 19:19

You see it a lot on here.

"We'll buy the X for the baby!"
"This one is nice?"
"HOW much? I thought they were about £50!"
"I'll pay the difference."
"If you can afford to do that you don't need my help!" huff

StressMagnet · 20/02/2023 19:33

It's better to take any offers of help with a massive pinch of salt going forward. No fawning over their grand getters in case that's what it's all really about.

Ah thanks, that's kind of you. Change the topic.

AnotherEmma · 20/02/2023 19:58

I hate it when people promise money/help and then renege on that promise. It's a rubbish feeling. I guess you will just not believe your dad next time he offers.

Could you get a 0% interest credit card to pay for the year's car insurance? It will probably work out cheaper than paying monthly. MSE says so!

uhtredsonofuhtred1 · 20/02/2023 20:02

laundryschmaundry · 20/02/2023 18:26

I'm baffled by their being actual grown ups out there who still rely on their parents to pay regular bills (I'm not talking about big, unexpected, need a new boiler expenses).

YABU imo, he offered then realised he couldn't help for whatever reason. If you'd posted to say you'd offered something to an adult child then realised you weren't in a position to be able to help no one would be suggesting that you would be unreasonable to explain that and rescind the offer.

Clearly you must be in a very fortunate position then? As am I to be honest but can you really not understand how people might be struggling with the huge increases in almost every single area of our lives?!

ilovesooty · 20/02/2023 20:09

It wasn't very nice to promise something and then change his mind and not tell you. I think you'll have to assume he's not reliable in future.

I think people talking about paying monthly etc are missing the point a bit.

Fantina · 20/02/2023 20:20

I have a family member who used to promise the world to me and the DC - trips to Disney, generous monthly allowances etc etc. They never ever followed through it was a hard lesson for the DC to learn but I think it is exactly as the PP said - they could bask in the excitement of the DC and their OTT unasked for generosity and I was the one who had to pick up the pieces of their disappointment behind the scenes and out of sight when it became clear it was never going to happen.

Original poster

flowerpeople · 20/02/2023 22:14

journeyofinsanity · 20/02/2023 19:02

Missing the point. It's not the not paying, it's the casual way he didn't bother telling the OP until she said it was time to pay. And then not even looking up from his book as he brushed her off and said he wasn't going to after all. As soon as he realised he couldn't he should have given OP a heads up

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Yes, for me it's not actually about the money but the way I've been treated and the impact on my relationship with my dad. I never asked (or expected, until he offered) him to pay it for me. He voluntarily made the offer about six weeks ago, so on that basis I then made different financial decisions than planned with how I spent the money I would have otherwise spent on my insurance. So now that I have found out today that he can't fulfil the offer, I don't have the money set aside anymore that I did six weeks ago. But I'll find a way to sort the money side of things, that's not my point.

My point is that it makes me feel unimportant that he made me a promise, I relied on his word, I ask for the money and he casually responds he can't do it anymore without looking up from his book or acknowledging this has consequences for me. I totally understand if his circumstances changed meaning he can't spare the money anymore. But it's the way he dealt with it. I wouldn't have felt hurt if he'd been open and let me know as soon as he realised and apologised. But he didn't.

OP posts:

TheFretfulPorpentine · 20/02/2023 22:42

He is allowed to change his mind after doing the sums. But at least you won't feel obliged to give him a lift anywhere for the foreseeable future.

bellylaughsalldaylong · 20/02/2023 22:48

laundryschmaundry · 20/02/2023 18:26

I'm baffled by their being actual grown ups out there who still rely on their parents to pay regular bills (I'm not talking about big, unexpected, need a new boiler expenses).

YABU imo, he offered then realised he couldn't help for whatever reason. If you'd posted to say you'd offered something to an adult child then realised you weren't in a position to be able to help no one would be suggesting that you would be unreasonable to explain that and rescind the offer.

I’m baffled by there being actual grown ups out there who are unable to comprehend how someone could struggle on a low income during a cost of living crisis.

Flowersintheattic57 · 20/02/2023 22:57

He intended to crush you that’s why he didn’t say openly that he couldn’t do it. I don’t think he ever was. Does he do other things like this? Its a weird dynamic for a father to have with his daughter.

fUNNYfACE36 · 20/02/2023 23:03

ChangesUsername · 20/02/2023 17:51

He has not treated you well at all, that's really unkind to withdraw a promise like that
Do you think it's a control/power thing?

A power thing? more likely a cost of living crisis thing!

Greenfairydust · 20/02/2023 23:21

Maybe the cost of leaving increase means he can no longer help, but the main point is that he should have spoken to you as soon as he realised he had over-promised and apologised for the fact that he had to let you down at the last minute.

The way he has handled this is rather hurtful.

I would not rely on him again if he is that flaky.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 21/02/2023 00:27

flowerpeople · 20/02/2023 22:14

Yes, for me it's not actually about the money but the way I've been treated and the impact on my relationship with my dad. I never asked (or expected, until he offered) him to pay it for me. He voluntarily made the offer about six weeks ago, so on that basis I then made different financial decisions than planned with how I spent the money I would have otherwise spent on my insurance. So now that I have found out today that he can't fulfil the offer, I don't have the money set aside anymore that I did six weeks ago. But I'll find a way to sort the money side of things, that's not my point.

My point is that it makes me feel unimportant that he made me a promise, I relied on his word, I ask for the money and he casually responds he can't do it anymore without looking up from his book or acknowledging this has consequences for me. I totally understand if his circumstances changed meaning he can't spare the money anymore. But it's the way he dealt with it. I wouldn't have felt hurt if he'd been open and let me know as soon as he realised and apologised. But he didn't.

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I think you should stop taking offers of money from him and sort your own finances out. Does it suck yes… but this isn’t the first time so you have to after the last time have thought…yeah maybe this won’t pan out if it does great, but if not you would be covered.

WandaWonder · 21/02/2023 01:50

It would have helped to be told earlier but maybe you are better with all this effort you are putting in analysing him and his decisions into finding a way to be self sufficient you may be in a better financial position?

Have you asked to pay by instalments?