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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not be able to cope with it all?

70 replies

AFluster · 20/02/2023 15:19

NC'd, long-time poster.

I'm really beginning to struggle to keep up with everything and have nothing left to cut from my life. DH and I both work full-time - he's out of the house 7am-4.30pm and I WFH about 60+ hours a week, usually about 8.15-5.45 and then picking up the rest after DCs are in bed or on Sunday evenings. I have a physical disability that requires me to exercise 1-2 hours per day for physio/massage/movement etc which I have to get done in the mornings before getting DD ready for nursery. We have two dogs that also need walking for an hour each day so DH does a 30 minute walk before work and I do a 30 minute walk at lunchtime. I drop DD at nursery at 8 (leaving home at 7.45) and collect at 6 (getting home at 6.15) so I have no additional time. We then have to balance household chores, laundry, cooking dinner, baths, stories, phonics, cleaning, wiping, bins out, showering, eating etc (and finishing off work, as above) before going to sleep. On Saturdays, I have physio/massage, we walk the dogs, then DS has a sport in the morning and both DCs have swimming in the afternoon. On Saturday nights or Sunday day-time we usually try to see family or friends because we have no other time to see anyone and I feel as though people are always chasing us for a visit (not that I don't enjoy seeing them of course) - my parents and DH's parents are divorced so it's four sets of GPs to consider, who don't get on with each other (plus siblings, school friends, university friends, work friends, aunts/uncles/cousins, DC's friends birthday parties, neighbours etc).

I feel like all of that is just about ok...but then it's all the other things adding time onto the day. All the ad-hoc bits and pieces. This week alone, DH has a haircut, all four of us have the dentist, DS is at Specsavers, our Sproodle is getting groomed, I need to source World Book Day outfits for DCs, DH has to stay late at work one night, our new kitchen is being delivered and we need to find time to fit it. Last week we had a roofer come to do a repair on a leak, DS had a paediatric appointment at the hospital, we had a wedding to go to, the dogs were at the vet for their check-up, plus completely forgetting about Valentines Day. Just writing this has reminded me that it's Pancake Day tomorrow! Next week, DS has two birthday parties to go to, plus an audiology appointment at the hospital, I have an appointment with the GP, the car is booked in for a repair...I'm sure I must be forgetting something.

I just don't understand how people cope? What am I doing wrong?

OP posts:
Flamingogirl08 · 20/02/2023 15:23

That's a lot of working hours OP. I work full time and do 37 hours a week

hattie43 · 20/02/2023 15:25

You work long hours . You need help , cleaner , dog walker, someone to share the load. Your current routine is not sustainable.

mamabear715 · 20/02/2023 15:26

I feel exhausted just reading your post, @AFluster
I think something's got to give.. can the GP's not visit you, for example?

Ginmonkeyagain · 20/02/2023 15:28

You need to cut back on work - 60 hours a week is crazy. Why are you working such long hours?

Original poster
AFluster · 20/02/2023 15:29

hattie43 · 20/02/2023 15:25

You work long hours . You need help , cleaner , dog walker, someone to share the load. Your current routine is not sustainable.

Thank you, I considered this but I feel like the things we can outsource barely touch the sides. Beyond dog walking, cleaning and potentially laundry, everything else is stuff we need to ourselves. The dog walking only takes 30 minutes from DH and I each (plus the exercise is good for me and I can post letters at the same time and make phone calls so it's time I'd be using anyway).

I've never had a cleaner - how much difference do they really make?

OP posts:
Original poster
AFluster · 20/02/2023 15:32

mamabear715 · 20/02/2023 15:26

I feel exhausted just reading your post, @AFluster
I think something's got to give.. can the GP's not visit you, for example?

They do often visit us but they live quite far away (my dad is 3 hours, my mum is just over two, DH's mum is just over an hour and his dad is two hours) so it'd still be a full-day visit to be worth doing. Even just seeing for a few hours wipes out Sunday when I factor in the daily stuff that happens in mornings/evenings and my catching up on work too.

OP posts:
Original poster
AFluster · 20/02/2023 15:32

Ginmonkeyagain · 20/02/2023 15:28

You need to cut back on work - 60 hours a week is crazy. Why are you working such long hours?

It's the nature of the job. I'd have to find an entirely new career in order to reduce my hours - and I love my job and worked very hard to get into what I do.

OP posts:
heartchakra · 20/02/2023 15:37

I've never had a cleaner - how much difference do they really make?

HUGE!

SpecialK2023 · 20/02/2023 15:39

hattie43 · 20/02/2023 15:25

You work long hours . You need help , cleaner , dog walker, someone to share the load. Your current routine is not sustainable.

Exactly. I work 30 hours and have a cleaner each week which eased the load. I also used a dog walker. I like the balance. Outsource more
OP .

Gwen82 · 20/02/2023 15:40

Why did you name change? Nothing to be ashamed of

DarcyBlue · 20/02/2023 15:41

If it were me truthfully I would do the following.

  1. Go to four days. Take DD out of nursery one day a week so you have a day together where you can also exercise with her and get some extra ‘things’ done.
  2. Get a cleaner. They make a massive difference and can change the beds etc too.
  3. Get a dog walker for part of the week then integrate the dog walk on your day off with DD. Or even consider rehoming (controversial yes but I am unclear on their quality of life currently and whether you feel you are able to give them what they need).

or, your DH reduces days and does outlined above. 60 hours a week is incredibly long hours that would be hard to manage without children, dogs, friends, a life etc.

Quitelikeit · 20/02/2023 15:41

I’m assuming you have quite an income working all those hours!

I would be hiring a cleaner and I would look into working 4 days instead of five

why do you work 60 hours a week?

Id also be getting a dog Walker too!

Can any of the grandparents help out?

Ginmonkeyagain · 20/02/2023 15:42

@AFluster you have a job that dmands you regularly work way more than the working time directive? There are jobs that demand that but they tend to be high on fiancial reward or career satisfaction. happy to do it either for the money or career develoment. However, in my experience people that do that have more help - either a partner who does not work as much or a cleaner. You need to do that if the work hours are non negotiable.

Gwen82 · 20/02/2023 15:42

AFluster · 20/02/2023 15:32

It's the nature of the job. I'd have to find an entirely new career in order to reduce my hours - and I love my job and worked very hard to get into what I do.

Show quote history

Presumably on a decent salary?

So outsource a bit!

Quitelikeit · 20/02/2023 15:43

Another option would be a mothers help 3 hours per day

She could collect the kids, do chores and walk the dogs

Your life would be so much easier if you outsourced some things

rothbury · 20/02/2023 15:43

If you can’t/won’t decrease working hours, which are really excessive, then only option is to throw money at the problem and farm out as many jobs as possible.

Squidlydoo · 20/02/2023 15:43

Cleaners are a godsend. Worth their weight in gold. I love coming home to a clean house and even though I moan about it, tidying for the cleaners the night before is a chore but worth it! its saved my sanity and my marriage - I would have a daily house keeper if I could afford it.

in terms of compromises - if part time isn’t an option for you or husband, you need to reevaluate what you are doing as to be honest older children are harder as childcare becomes a lot less flexible and their lives get busier and busier as they go through primary school

Gwen82 · 20/02/2023 15:44

i considered this but I feel like the things we can outsource barely touch the sides. Beyond dog walking, cleaning and potentially laundry, everything else is stuff we need to ourselves.

oh come on. Outsourcing some cleaning, laundry and dog walking would make a significant impact.

You’re busy but your circumstances really aren’t very different to many others. The difference being you work obscene hours. So either on a high income - in which case outsource or… well you’re being taken for a mug and you and your family are suffering as a result

Ginmonkeyagain · 20/02/2023 15:45

Or drop the social stuff. I have a friend who runs her own film business and for some contracts she will be working 60 - 70 hour weeks. We know then we will not see her for weeks or months. But then she takes a few weeks off and catches up with everyone.

I don't have children and generally work about 40 hours a week with a further 5 hours in a voluntary role. I find that is ok for fitting in socialising, life admin and a bit of down time, there is no way I could run my life like this if I worked 60 hours a week. You will end up burnt out.

Gwen82 · 20/02/2023 15:46

How old are your children op?

Gwen82 · 20/02/2023 15:49

I have a physical disability that requires me to exercise 1-2 hours per day for physio/massage/movement

a physical disability that requires 7-14 hours a week of exercises?

that is quite a serious disability

SallyWD · 20/02/2023 15:52

Your life sounds very full on! I only work part time but have a cleaner they make a huge difference. Life changing.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 20/02/2023 16:08

Wow, that sounds a lot. You sound as though you have really high standards, too.

What stands out to me:

a) get a dog walker and someone to take it to groomer
b) can you get some sort of nanny or au pair to take kids to appointments?
c) cut down on family obligations. Make a standing booking at some sort of pub or restaurant centrally located, one Saturday or Sunday afternoon a month, and say 'whoever wants to join us to chat and see the kids is welcome.' If they don't get on, that's their problem. You can get all the visits over in one afternoon per month.
d) be very sparing about birthday parties your kids attend, and don't attempt to hold them yourself. Plenty of kids grow up without birthday parties and aren't traumatized
e) get a cleaner
f) stop trying to please everyone. prioritize self-care, sleep, kids' health and education. everything else is optional, especially for the next few years
g) can the grandparents help at all with taking kids to appointments
h) how can you have a new kitchen delivered without knowing when it's to be fitted? surely you aren't doing the labour yourself?

mast0650 · 20/02/2023 16:09

You are working long hours without getting much help. It's no wonder you are tired when you have dogs, children, and need to do a lot of exercise.

I don't really understand why your DH isn't doing the evening nursery pick up? And I think you are crazy not to have a cleaner, and perhaps help with dog walking and laundry too. Given how few free hours you must have, these things would surely make a big proportionate increase. To be honest, I wouldn't have dogs if I was as busy as you, but I imagine you won't consider that. I assume you already do your shopping online?

Definitely don't worry about Valentine's Day, Pancake Day. And put minimal effort into World Book Day.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 20/02/2023 16:19

60 hours a week is too much. Does the job pay millions? Does it really repay you for essentially giving up your life to it? I doubt it. If so, by all means hire a housekeeper to run the house, walk the dogs, do the school and nursery run, order book day costumes and bring them to parties. But if you aren't being paid enough to outsource a big chunk of your life, it isn't worth it.