AIBU to not be able to cope with it all?

[AFluster]

NC'd, long-time poster.

I'm really beginning to struggle to keep up with everything and have nothing left to cut from my life. DH and I both work full-time - he's out of the house 7am-4.30pm and I WFH about 60+ hours a week, usually about 8.15-5.45 and then picking up the rest after DCs are in bed or on Sunday evenings. I have a physical disability that requires me to exercise 1-2 hours per day for physio/massage/movement etc which I have to get done in the mornings before getting DD ready for nursery. We have two dogs that also need walking for an hour each day so DH does a 30 minute walk before work and I do a 30 minute walk at lunchtime. I drop DD at nursery at 8 (leaving home at 7.45) and collect at 6 (getting home at 6.15) so I have no additional time. We then have to balance household chores, laundry, cooking dinner, baths, stories, phonics, cleaning, wiping, bins out, showering, eating etc (and finishing off work, as above) before going to sleep. On Saturdays, I have physio/massage, we walk the dogs, then DS has a sport in the morning and both DCs have swimming in the afternoon. On Saturday nights or Sunday day-time we usually try to see family or friends because we have no other time to see anyone and I feel as though people are always chasing us for a visit (not that I don't enjoy seeing them of course) - my parents and DH's parents are divorced so it's four sets of GPs to consider, who don't get on with each other (plus siblings, school friends, university friends, work friends, aunts/uncles/cousins, DC's friends birthday parties, neighbours etc).

I feel like all of that is just about ok...but then it's all the other things adding time onto the day. All the ad-hoc bits and pieces. This week alone, DH has a haircut, all four of us have the dentist, DS is at Specsavers, our Sproodle is getting groomed, I need to source World Book Day outfits for DCs, DH has to stay late at work one night, our new kitchen is being delivered and we need to find time to fit it. Last week we had a roofer come to do a repair on a leak, DS had a paediatric appointment at the hospital, we had a wedding to go to, the dogs were at the vet for their check-up, plus completely forgetting about Valentines Day. Just writing this has reminded me that it's Pancake Day tomorrow! Next week, DS has two birthday parties to go to, plus an audiology appointment at the hospital, I have an appointment with the GP, the car is booked in for a repair...I'm sure I must be forgetting something.

I just don't understand how people cope? What am I doing wrong?

That's an incredibly rude and potentially ableist thing to write.

You can't lose the disability and you can't lose the children, and chores and appointments are part of life. The optional bits seem to be hours of work, and having two dogs.

Assuming you're right and cutting hours would mean dumping your career, which understandably you don't want to do, and also that you need the money it brings in, then the simplest big chunk of optional work to cut out is walking and looking after two dogs, taking them to the groomers and to the vets, dealing with the extra cleaning they inevitably necessitate, and the mental burden of another two lives that depend on you and your organisational effort. But I guess you love the dogs and parts of the lifestyle that having them involves.

Please ignore people telling you to cut back your hours. If you can't/don't want to do that, you don't have to. It is ridiculous to cut back work hours so you have more time for chores.

But yes, if you're working that many hours it is crazy that you aren't outsourcing more. You should absolutely be outsourcing the cleaning, including laundry and ironing for a start. In fact, depending on finances, I'd be considering a part time housekeeper - someone who will do the cleaning, laundry, ironing but can also sort the shopping, some cooking and oversee the DIY, walk the dog etc. Sometimes, the very thought of finding and training such a person can feel overwhelming, but very quickly over time the benefits outweigh the downsides.

If you're unwilling to make different choices then really all you can is outsource more and make sure what's left is evenly shared.
60 hour weeks on top of 2 hours of necessary exercise, pets and after school activities will take it's toll.

Why are you going out to get DD from nursery at 6 if DH is home by 4.30? Why can't he pick her up on the way home? Who picks up DS and when? She's home earlier for dinner etc and it means you not having to go out at 6 after work when he's been sat at home 90 minutes. 8-6 is a long day if there's no need for her to be in that late.

Who cooks? Can you Hello Fresh or similar?

I'd look at hiring a cleaner as a minimum. Could of times a week so you aren't doing anything besides wrong down surfaces after use.

How much do you iron? Let standards drop or outsource.

Do you and DH shares parties and hospital appts etc? Is there a friend he could go with instead of you?

But to answer your original question OP - others do not mange this the way you are - they either:

• work fewer hours

• outsource the household jobs to a cleaner/nanny/housekeeper (or stay at home partner)

• sacrifice their personal life

Mr Monkey worked on the 2012 Olympics and it was full on 18 hours, days 7 days a week for a couple of months. We talked about it before and as it wa a huge opportunity for him I agree to use some annual leave to go down to 4 days a week temporarily to pick up the slack and he accepted the he was barely going to see me or his friends and family for a couple of months.

Oh fgs

Don’t spend your life looking for shadows

I was thinking that a physical disability requiring that level of intervention is not compatible with 60 plus hours of work and the physicality of cleaning, laundry, dog walking. Day in and day out

A career that flog yourself for and have worked very hard to achieve…. If it’s not self employed then a decent employer would be very open to you talking about less hours and flexible working… because he will want to keep you. Especially since you are registered disability so the employer must consider any requests for changes

A lot of this is choices you're making. Two children, 2 dogs and working 60 hrs a week. You are choosing to go hours around the country every week to see family and friends. Why can't they come to you? Why don't you feel you can just not go? Does your son really need to do sports on a saturday, as well as a dog walk and swimming as well? World book Day, get on amazon and order a couple of costumes. Pancake Day - just do pancakes instead of dinner. Valentines Day - not sure why that's relevant but none of that is essential.

You're going to burn out at this rate.

My guess was something like CF which would need lots of time on physio etc. for clearing, but wouldn't necessarily prevent doing work, chores and dogwalking, outside of the time commitment of the daily therapies.

You had a kitchen delivered and you’re going to fit it yourself on top of everything else? I’m not sure whether to be impressed that you know how to fit your own kitchen or thing wtaf??

Thanks almost all - definitely looking into outsourcing options. I'd never heard of a mother's help before so that's very useful.

Disabled people can have jobs and contribute to society, but thanks. We're also permitted to own pets and have children.

DH can fit the kitchen, it was much cheaper to fit it ourselves. That'll be this weekend's job, along with seeing SIL and BIL, birthday parties, etc.

I appreciate the comments about Valentine's Day/Pancake Day/World Book Day/etc not mattering and I really do see that but, to me, those are the memories. And I feel like I'm not creating those experiences for DC.

It's just a lot.

Nobody's said you're not allowed a job/pets/kids 🤨 You're the one complaining you have too much to do, so people are looking at what's optional in your situation, like the long hours and the dogs, even if they're things you don't want to change. The disability is irrelevant except in that the work/time required to deal with it is not optional and it can cut down the time or energy you have for other things.

I used to work similar hours with horses, dogs, 2 children and a DH who commuted to work. I paid for a cleaner, dog walker, childminder, someone to ride my horse, had the shopping delivered. And then I came as close as I ever want to having a breakdown. At that point I asked myself why am I sun contracting the parts of my life I enjoy? And then I found a new job, exactly the same as my previous one, paying 15k a year more and I work a standard 9-5. I work hard in those hours but I don’t work 60 hours a week any longer. I’ve lost weight, we do a ton more as a family and the only thing I’ve kept is a cleaner every other week.

id honestly suggest talking a long hard look at why you’re having to work such long hours and the impact that’s having. If there really is no way around it then paying for help is all you can do.

good luck, I really hope you find what works for you and your family.

I appreciate the comments about Valentine's Day/Pancake Day/World Book Day/etc not mattering’

thing is… to many kids, especially young ones, they do matter

That part was aimed at the one poster who has commented at least six times now (with no helpful advice to offer, just querying what I've written) and was called out by another PP as being rude and ableist, not to the rest of the very helpful comments from the majority of PP.

The disability is irrelevant except in that the work/time required to deal with it is not optional and it can cut down the time or energy you have for other things.
I agree with what you've said here, and that's somewhat the point that I was trying to make.

I don’t really understand how you could possibly think two adults working the way you are WOULDN’T need additional support.

If you can’t change your hours then outsource everything you can afford.

I’ve no idea how much money you have but I’d have the following if your position if funds allowed

Cleaner twice a week
dog walker
Laundry Service
’COOK’ meals several times a week

Hence the part you chose to lop off the end of what you quoted where I said "to me, those are the memories. And I feel like I'm not creating those experiences for DC." Why are you being so relentlessly rude?

Fair enough Afluster, I see your point.

Thank you - are COOK particularly good? We used Hello Fresh for a while but, unfortunately, almost every single order had food that was missing or rotten so we ended up wasting more time going to a shop to plug the gaps.

See you are adding more to your plate with the kitchen thing - yes your DH CAN fit the ktichen cheaper but seeing as family time is precious and you are run ragged, is it the best use of his time?

I mean there are all sorts of things I can do myself but I pay other people to do them as I value my time more to do something else.

I am honestly baffled op that you have taken such a front to my response

in my very first post I say to outsource

and disability? The fact that I was pointing out a disability requiring 14 hours of intervention is clearly very serious and alongside 60 hours plus of work and dog walking and am housework…. The combination seems utterly unsustainable.

but nope, it’s disabilist 🙄

and I didn’t pop off a pertinent point. I was referring to the comments where they were saying they don’t Matter.

Money buys time - use some of that money this 60 hour a week job give you to do just that.

If the 60 hours week job does not net you any money to buy time - well then if I were you I would seriously contemplate moving jobs.

OP, what age are your kids?

I appreciate that you want to make memories with them but really young children don't remember much; it's more important when they are say age 7/8 or older. You can probably give yourself a break until then.

Cool is frozen so doesn’t go off. They do pies/ lasagnas/ tray bakes etc Great to have on hand.

@AFluster

Cook are great - pretty tasty and frozen and most cook from frozen too so really easy to get ready and pretty reasonable price-wise.