AIBU to not be able to cope with it all?

[AFluster]

NC'd, long-time poster.

I'm really beginning to struggle to keep up with everything and have nothing left to cut from my life. DH and I both work full-time - he's out of the house 7am-4.30pm and I WFH about 60+ hours a week, usually about 8.15-5.45 and then picking up the rest after DCs are in bed or on Sunday evenings. I have a physical disability that requires me to exercise 1-2 hours per day for physio/massage/movement etc which I have to get done in the mornings before getting DD ready for nursery. We have two dogs that also need walking for an hour each day so DH does a 30 minute walk before work and I do a 30 minute walk at lunchtime. I drop DD at nursery at 8 (leaving home at 7.45) and collect at 6 (getting home at 6.15) so I have no additional time. We then have to balance household chores, laundry, cooking dinner, baths, stories, phonics, cleaning, wiping, bins out, showering, eating etc (and finishing off work, as above) before going to sleep. On Saturdays, I have physio/massage, we walk the dogs, then DS has a sport in the morning and both DCs have swimming in the afternoon. On Saturday nights or Sunday day-time we usually try to see family or friends because we have no other time to see anyone and I feel as though people are always chasing us for a visit (not that I don't enjoy seeing them of course) - my parents and DH's parents are divorced so it's four sets of GPs to consider, who don't get on with each other (plus siblings, school friends, university friends, work friends, aunts/uncles/cousins, DC's friends birthday parties, neighbours etc).

I feel like all of that is just about ok...but then it's all the other things adding time onto the day. All the ad-hoc bits and pieces. This week alone, DH has a haircut, all four of us have the dentist, DS is at Specsavers, our Sproodle is getting groomed, I need to source World Book Day outfits for DCs, DH has to stay late at work one night, our new kitchen is being delivered and we need to find time to fit it. Last week we had a roofer come to do a repair on a leak, DS had a paediatric appointment at the hospital, we had a wedding to go to, the dogs were at the vet for their check-up, plus completely forgetting about Valentines Day. Just writing this has reminded me that it's Pancake Day tomorrow! Next week, DS has two birthday parties to go to, plus an audiology appointment at the hospital, I have an appointment with the GP, the car is booked in for a repair...I'm sure I must be forgetting something.

I just don't understand how people cope? What am I doing wrong?

Definitely get a cleaner, ours makes a big difference, she even changes the beds, washes the bedding and pegs it out on the line for us which is amazing (I have a disability which makes changing beds difficult amoungst other things so it's picking the stuff you find helps you the most)

Also my neighbour has a mother's help, they come before breakfast and get the kids fed and dressed for school and take them to school, and then she picked them up, gets them changed from school, gives them a snack and oversees their homework. This relives a lot of the mental effort as well as the physical effort which she finds really helpful

Then outsource your ironing and your laundry if you can afford it. So that by the time you get to the weekend your house has been cleaned, your kids have done their homework, the beds have been changed and clothes are washed and ironed.

What I have learned is that you can’t have it all. You can’t have the high flying career, the social life, the clean house and create memories…it’s just not sustainable.
Something needs to give as kids get harder as they get older. Their needs are pretty basic when little and nursery can feed/comfort/play but at some point you will have homework/play dates/assemblies/parents evenings to throw into the mix.
Even with outsourcing, working 60 hours is just too much. I hope you get paid well for it to allow for nice holidays to chill.
You haven’t answered any questions about DH and what he does when he finishes work at 4.30. Is all the life admin falling to you?
When do you find time for your relationship if you’re every evening?
If know you say you love your job but it sounds like you need to have a hard think about what you want from life.

Or service engineers

Most service engineers have to opt out of the 48 hour directive whether they want to or not because its standard for the role and they frequently work long hours of overtime and get paid around 30-40k

I mean I know the OP isn't a service engineer and she appears to be well paid enough that she can consider outsourcing loads but there are jobs out there where you are expected to work long hours for not amazing pay or high career satisfaction

If you really can't change anything of your situation, i'd be looking at the following...

• batch cooking and freezing meals that can be cooked quicker later. I usually make a cottage pie and spag Bol together and freeze one for the following week for example.

Outsource what you can - cleaning, ironing, dog walking

Online shopping to save time on shopping

Cut down the family visits - it's a heck of a way to go so regularly. My IL's are 2 hours away and there is no way we would be seeing them weekly, even monthly. We saw them at Xmas and no plans yet to see them again. Combine into a weekend and see more than one family member, even if it's separately cos they won't mix.

For what it's worth though, I've long since stopped working myself into the ground at work and I too love my job - I just realised that my family needed me more and I'd be replaced in a heartbeat at work if I left. My colleagues would miss me, I know that, but to the company I'm no more than an employee number.

That is a fair point but the key word there is over time. Many office based salaried roles do not offer over time or TOIL, so excessive hours are a bad idea and have the effect of reducing your salary. So for example if the OP is paid say £55k a year if she is working 60 hours a week then she is actually being paid the equivilent of £32k if she worked a standard 37 hour week. (Nb very quick and dirty mental arithmetic there)

OP it would really help if we had some idea of your budget.

we Seem to all be saying « get a cleaner » with no idea of if you can afford it!

I saw what you meant. You were just saying it's a lot to cope with. Nobody said op can't have kids and dogs.

The reason you're so overwhelmed is because you've put a huge amount on your plate, and it's not actually possible to do all of that and still keep your mental health.

You asked I just don't understand how people cope? What am I doing wrong?

What you're doing wrong, is trying to be everything to everyone and you're driving yourself into the ground trying to keep all the plates spinning. Something's going to have to give, otherwise it'll be your mental health and that's not easily mended. What you need to recognise is that it really is your choice to do all of those things. You can equally choose to say no to some of it.

Are you paid for 60 hours a week or paid for 37 hours and working all kinds of extra hours?

Whichever way its sugar-coated, the hours you are working are ridiculous and working normal hours would free up nearly 5 hours a day on average midweek....that's clearly where your issue is.

Ginmonkey is totally right - why on earth is your dh fitting the kitchen?! That's a huge time.committment.

Also, agree with others. What is your dh doing between 430 and bed time? Or is he as overwhelmed as you?

Mothers help or housekeeper who can then their hand to a wider variety of tasks feels like a good option.

When you say ‘how do people manage’? The answer is they don’t. The number of parents working those hours with a disability requiring that level of active treatment with kids, two dogs and no paid help? Basically very very close to zero. You’re bloody Wonder Woman to have been managing it for as long as you have. Pay people to do whatever you can pay people to do or reduce your hours.

Sorry meant to post this in new aibu. Did not mean to post on another posters thread.

Your life is unusually busy and demanding, I’d say, and I know a lot of working parents. You work v long hours and have a lot of demands on the time outside of this. It can’t be sustainable having so much of your waking time accounted for with no give.

since you are happy in your job, the solutions are to outsource chores and / or cut down on activities.

I'm in a similar position and it's really bloody hard. The answer for us is a housekeeper. She cleans, cooks, runs errands, does the laundry, oversees workmen, sorts costumes, organisers school uniform, changes and makes beds etc etc. It's covered in part by my PIP and because it is necessitated by disability we save significantly on employer NICS.

Feel free to PM me if you have any questions.

What does DH do except walk the dog?

It reads like you're a single parent.

i wa going to ask the same what does dh do why cant he pick up dc if hes home earlier than you

Let’s say…. 17 hours waking hours.

OP is working 9 hours a day 7 days a week
OP is doing 1.5 hours a day physio
OP is doing 30 mins a day dog walking

so work physio and dog is 11 hours a day. Nothing else. No personal hygiene, housework, childcare, cooking, personal admin etc included in that.

and that’s 7 days a week. 7 days a week!

OP, it’s a wonder that you aren’t on your hands and knees. You must really bloody love your job and be paid a small fortune for it in order to be so committed to it!

@AFluster you've asked for advice but don't seem overly willing to engage unless it's to lambast posters for offending you.

Why can't your DH pick the kids up when he finishes at 4.40 and she's stuck in nursery until 6? Why isn't he seemingly doing anything in those 90 minutes each day to get the kids sorted, get dinner on etc?

Is he the one saying you don't really need help, you can manage it all but actually meaning YOU as in you not you as in we?

Why on earth are you working 60+h pw?
If you're contracted 37-40 they're getting an extra 1/3 of your time unpaid.