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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm the only one financially helping mum

60 replies

Sh82 · 20/02/2023 10:36

My mum has cancer, diagnosed in December and awaiting treatment. She lives alone, and usually works a minimum wage job, but has been on statutory sick leave. With the cost of living, like many, she's been struggling with bills and food, and I've had to lend her money so she can make ends meet. She gets benefits, but there's still a shortfall each month.

I have a sister who lives in Dubai, who is getting decent money (she's just back from a 3 week luxury holiday and has booked another). Despite me being a full-time student with my own children, my sister offers nothing. My mum approached her for financial help (a loan), and my sister she says she can't afford to help...

At the end of the day, she's my mum and she's struggling, so I'll do all I can to help her. But the amount is creeping up (currently over £500, so not an insubstantial sum). I'm feeling so resentful of my sister offering nothing, and if I receive one more holiday photo from her - I may scream!!

Am I being unreasonable to want to distance myself from my sister, given how she's behaving?

OP posts:
Tandoorimixedgrill · 20/02/2023 10:42

Has she got a MacMillan nurse. First thing I would suggest is making sure she has all benefits she is entitled to including carers allowance.

once you e checked this I would suggest a conversation with your sister. Does she actually know how much you are giving each month?

MatildaTheCat · 20/02/2023 10:43

Sorry you and your DM are going through this.

Have you investigated all possible ways of gaining financial assistance from outside agencies? Macmillan can offer grants and I believe other government benefits can be claimed more easily than usual.

I would contact a charity specific to the form of cancer she has and ask for advice. It’s more constructive than getting cross with your DS though obviously she’s being pretty mean about this. Going forward DM may need sustained support so trying to access it from elsewhere makes sense.

Best wishes to you both.

GiltEdges · 20/02/2023 10:44

Sorry about your mum OP. Has she actually spoken to anyone to explore if remaining in employment is the best thing for her financially? Would she be entitled to more money if she didn't work?

kitcat15 · 20/02/2023 10:47

Get Macmillan benefits advice ....she will likely be better off on ESA then SSP
....then she can apply for PIP ( 3 months after diagnosis) if she meets the descriptors ....this will then mean shes eligible for cost of living payments

SalmonEile · 20/02/2023 10:48

Are you and your sister close normally?
is it worth approaching her head on and saying “look I’m really worried about mum and her financial situation is there anyway you can help out at all?”
I know your mother asked for a loan but maybe your sister didn’t fully grasp how bad things are
does your sister have a partner or husband, maybe he’s an arse about money

Justkeepingplatesspinning · 20/02/2023 10:50

If you or your mum contact your local Maggie's they can help with applying for benefits. Hoping your mum recovers well x

Original poster
Sh82 · 20/02/2023 10:50

Thanks Tandorimixedgrill, yes the macmillan team have been so lovely, they checked and she's on max benefits at the moment.

Mum says she has told my sister how much support I'm providing, and the sums involved. So apparently she's aware, but it doesn't seem to change anything sadly.

I can't help but feel at times like these, people can show their true colours?

OP posts:
Gwen82 · 20/02/2023 10:51

How close is your mother and sister?

Gwen82 · 20/02/2023 10:52

She’s been awaiting treatment to start for 2 months?

Hbh17 · 20/02/2023 10:57

Your mother may be able to get grants as well as benefits. Check with Turn2us.
But nobody is under any obligation to either financially help a relative or to keep in touch with them. So you and your sister can both do whatever you like.

RoseMarigoldViolet · 20/02/2023 10:58

Could you have a calm honest talk to your sister about your mother’s situation and your own circumstances. Maybe your sister thinks that you can comfortably afford the help you are giving. Maybe your sister has some circumstances that you are unaware of. It may be helpful for everyone to put their cards on the table as it is likely that your Mum will need more support, both financial and practical, in the future.

Original poster
Sh82 · 20/02/2023 10:58

Thanks all for your replies and well wishes, I'm going to take your tips and see if mum can get more financial support. I'm not that clued up about benefits, so I need to help her explore further. She heard back from PIPs people today, and she's not entitled apparently.

Me and my sister were closer when she lived in the UK, but we have drifted apart more now. She is close to mum. The last time I asked my sister if she could help financially, she went frosty on me. Short replies, got the feeling like she felt she shouldn't have to.

OP posts:
BlackFriday · 20/02/2023 10:59

@Gwen82 My cousin has just had to wait longer than that.

OP, I think this is not the time for being shy about approaching your sister - not in an aggressive way but calmly and assertively. Your mum is going under and the TWO of you need to help. You cannot really afford it either but even so. Bring up the holidays if necessary - why pussyfoot around the issue?

Beautiful3 · 20/02/2023 10:59

Yes people show their true colours, horrible isn't it? Since my deaf father became visually impaired, my siblings stopped visiting. There's always something to do at his. My husband and I do it all (apart from the bins, which a lovely neighbour does). Keeping him in his house safely, is going to become more difficult. I'm sure my siblings will suddenly pop up again when they know he's going into a home (=less inheritance).

Original poster
Sh82 · 20/02/2023 11:00

It's sad, but the nhs is so stretched that she's been on waiting list for radiotherapy since her surgery in December

OP posts:
Original poster
Sh82 · 20/02/2023 11:02

You're so right, I shouldn't pussy foot around my sister - I'm going to message her today and suggest we talk.

OP posts:
Gwen82 · 20/02/2023 11:08

Is she too Ill to work? I only ask because why has PIP been declined (they work on a points basis so you’ll be able to identify)

96% start cancer treatment within 31 days
so hopefully asap

Dweetfidilove · 20/02/2023 11:08

I'm sorry you're in this situation, OP.

Unless your sister has access to free luxury holidays, then yes, she ought to do better.

I'll never understand how folks can be living it large whilst their parents/children suffer in these circumstances 😕.

Gwen82 · 20/02/2023 11:09

Sh82 · 20/02/2023 11:02

You're so right, I shouldn't pussy foot around my sister - I'm going to message her today and suggest we talk.

But needn’t be big drama
I wouldn’t message
pick up phone and call her

mybunniesandme · 20/02/2023 11:26

Im going to go against the other replies here....

There could be a huge backstory we aren't aware of here about OPs mums financial history? Say for example she's frittered large sums away over the years, made reckless financial decisions in the past. What's the reason behind a minimum wage job and so on? The sister may feel like it's not her responsibility with reason? It isn't a child's** responsibility to help out financially in their parents old age?

Also depending on the visa your sister have many mean you have to leave the country every month or so - and it's cheap to fly to other countries - so what looks like a luxury holiday is far cheaper than you think and also a visa requirement....

Not defending the sister by the way just that bit everything is black and white

minimadgirl · 20/02/2023 11:33

@Gwen82 2 months is sadly nothing at the moment. My dad has just had to wait 4 months.

YaWeeSkitter · 20/02/2023 11:42

It may be worth re applying for PIP in a few weeks time as generally you need to have had a diagnosis for 3 full months before applying.

However it is awarded based on the amount of help a person needs - not money- due to their medical condition.

This is from CAB guides

Your illness, disability or mental health condition

PIP is not based on the condition you have or the medication you take. It is based on the level of help you need because of how your condition affects you.
You’re assessed on the level of help you need with specific activities. It’s hard to say if the level of help you need will qualify you for PIP. But, if you get or need help with any of the following because of your condition, you should consider applying:
preparing and cooking food
eating and drinking
managing your treatments
washing and bathing
managing toilet needs or incontinence
dressing and undressing
communicating with other people
reading and understanding written information
mixing with others
making decisions about money
planning a journey or following a route
moving around
The help you get may be from a person, an aid (such as a walking stick or guide dog) or an adaptation to your home or car.

Its great that you are supporting your Mum through this difficult time .
Its sad that your sister doesnt feel she can offer the same support but a proper conversation may cast some light on her finances. Maybe her DH/Partner pays for everything (even if she works) and she personally has little unmonitored money to spend herself. It happens in a lot of outwardly happy marriages.
Worth keeping that in mind when you do have that conversation.

StickofVeg · 20/02/2023 11:46

It doesn't help you or your DM's problem, OP. But perhaps your DSis is living a life funded on credit cards - so that luxury holiday isn't paid for yet and that is why she isn't coming forward. I mentioned this as I had 2 friends in Dubai and it seemed to be a lot of "keeping up". Just another perspective on the situation. Best wishes to your DM for her recovery.

Gwen82 · 20/02/2023 11:49

mybunniesandme · 20/02/2023 11:26

Im going to go against the other replies here....

There could be a huge backstory we aren't aware of here about OPs mums financial history? Say for example she's frittered large sums away over the years, made reckless financial decisions in the past. What's the reason behind a minimum wage job and so on? The sister may feel like it's not her responsibility with reason? It isn't a child's** responsibility to help out financially in their parents old age?

Also depending on the visa your sister have many mean you have to leave the country every month or so - and it's cheap to fly to other countries - so what looks like a luxury holiday is far cheaper than you think and also a visa requirement....

Not defending the sister by the way just that bit everything is black and white

Good post and agreed

kitcat15 · 20/02/2023 12:14

Gwen82 · 20/02/2023 11:08

Is she too Ill to work? I only ask because why has PIP been declined (they work on a points basis so you’ll be able to identify)

96% start cancer treatment within 31 days
so hopefully asap

She’s started her treatment…she had surgery last year