I'm the only one financially helping mum

[Sh82]

My mum has cancer, diagnosed in December and awaiting treatment. She lives alone, and usually works a minimum wage job, but has been on statutory sick leave. With the cost of living, like many, she's been struggling with bills and food, and I've had to lend her money so she can make ends meet. She gets benefits, but there's still a shortfall each month.

I have a sister who lives in Dubai, who is getting decent money (she's just back from a 3 week luxury holiday and has booked another). Despite me being a full-time student with my own children, my sister offers nothing. My mum approached her for financial help (a loan), and my sister she says she can't afford to help...

At the end of the day, she's my mum and she's struggling, so I'll do all I can to help her. But the amount is creeping up (currently over £500, so not an insubstantial sum). I'm feeling so resentful of my sister offering nothing, and if I receive one more holiday photo from her - I may scream!!

Am I being unreasonable to want to distance myself from my sister, given how she's behaving?

She needs to apply for pip …..no one from DWP would say ‘not entitled’ from the outset….there’s a big long form to complete. I work and still get PIp.
I don’t think there’s any entitlement that means your sister should give your mum money…nice if she did…but if not then up to her….I wouldn’t get involved….if you want to help out that’s up to you…and if you can’t that’s fine too…..tbf to your sister, she shouldn’t feel she has to help out

I don’t think your sister is obligated to give money but if she’s sending you holiday pics you’re defo allowed to respond and say ‘would love a holiday but supporting mum is more important right now!’

Yea my spidey senses started tingling at this too

Sorry you're going through this. As someone who went through similar, with a useless sibling, my advice is to focus on you, your mum and how you can support her with accessing benefits etc.

Your sister is white noise and extra stress that you dont need. What she does is for her to square with her own conscious.

You can't focus on your mum and helping her if you are half thinking and frustrated about how to make your sister act "fairly".

People are who they are.

Really helpful suggestions, thanks so much everyone.

Yes I think the PIP was maybe declined because she is mobile and doesn't need support to dress/wash/cook etc? She's doing ok, but the cancer makes her very tired. I think the radiotherapy can make that worse too? (She starts that on Mon)

She's always been on a low wage, and was let go after 25years in a job where she'd worked up the ladder a bit paywise, but struggled aged 60 to find another job. She's usually in retail when not poorly.

I wish I could pick up the phone and call my sister, but apparently you can't watsapp call or facetime in the UAE (she said its banned?), and calling the mobile would cost a fortune. I messaged and she didn't reply, hopefully she'll not ignore it entirely. Interesting you mention her husband, he never been the friendliest character, so perhaps there's more going on than I realise behind the scenes. They do seem to spend a lot, so perhaps the credit card plays a part?

Thank you for taking the time to message back, I appreciate it

You can use Teams for calling UAE, I have a cousin in Dubai and that works

Hope you get hold of your sister and she is supportive

What are your Mum's living arrangements, can she/would she want to downsize?

Sorry she is having to wait for next stage of treatment, it's stressful

As I get older I get less tolerant

next time she posts a picture I would comment, how nice you are enjoying yourself when you said you couldn’t help mum financially when she is I’ll and unable t9 pay her bills. Read the room

and would post each and everytime

i would also be sending her an email telling her in no uncertain words how horrible she is being to your mother

Your mum should be claiming PIP on top of regular benefits. That should go through quickly for her situation.

Have you asked your sister what’s up?

She’s correct Op re call and FaceTime Op.

But not a chance PIP would have just told her over the phone op. It requires a very long form and then an assessment.

If your mother tells you she’s not eligible because PIP told her… then she’s fibbing

What is your mum’s long term plan?

If I’m honest I would be hesitant to start funding my parent in an open ended arrangement like this. How long have you been giving money? How long do you expect you (and your sister if she agrees) to give your mum money?

I agree with PP's that you need to be upfront with your sister about your Mum's financial situation and explain that you simply can't afford to keep subsidizing her to this extent.

Yes, there might be a backstory, but your Mum is older and ill, she really shouldn't just be left in financial penury. If your sister's concerned that your Mum might fritter away money, perhaps she could directly pay a couple of bills for her like council tax or electricity?

I'm helping my Dad out a bit financially now (he's 85) and alot in terms of my time. He hasn't always been the ideal parent and can be quite difficult, but he's still my Dad, so I'm prepared to make the effort. Perhaps your sister needs to be reminded that she's only got one Mum.

What @Tinkerbyebye said. :-(
I couldn't bring myself to carry on any kind of convo if my sis had done the same when our mum was so ill.

You've had some good advice financially, I'd just add, if no-one has said the same, that CAB etc will help you fill claim forms in. DWP look for specific things on the form, so even if you fill it in at great length, you might not be telling them the right things. Hugs..

I'm not sure propping your dm up financially is the solution here.

She is in her 60s and won't be able to work to support herself forever.

It would be much better to look at what assets she has and her outgoings.

She needs a long term plan which isn't based on working.

I feel the same as this

Sounds just like my sister. We spent £100k to upgrade to a bigger house to my mum could live with us as she couldn’t afford to live alone. My sister never puts her hand in her pocket yet could easily afford it. Do what you can afford to do but don’t expect anything from your sister, it’ll only lead to heartache. That’s what I’ve had to accept.

Your mother needs to make an appointment with the CAB to help her fill in her PIP forms.

They are absolutely brilliant at completing them and winning awards.

Your mum needs to appeal asap!

Im sorry about the diagnosis

I live in the UAE and yes WhatsApp calls and FaceTime are banned.

Zoom and Skype work fine though.

How do you communicate if you didn't know about what works and doesn't, message only?

Your mum hasn't been declined pip...why do you keep saying that? .....she hasn't applied.....you are going off the say so of someone .....you would best be supporting her to claim benefits than giving her money....if she has chronic fatigue then it affects ts her ability to wash, dress, cook etc...she needs support from welfare benefit agency to complete the forms...its takes around 7 to 8 months to get an assessment but its all back dated....you have no exit plan...you can't keep giving your mum money....I can't blame your sister for not wanting to do this

I agree. Children shouldn't have to support their parents financially.

@Donkeyotey I agree that adult children shouldn’t HAVE to support their parents, but I think most people would consider helping with essential bills if their parent was on sick leave due to cancer, don’t you? I wouldn’t advocate giving money to fritter, but paying bills is something else entirely.

Anyway, the OP’s been given some good advice and I hope it works out.

Thanks all,

I've spoken to mum and told her she needs to get better advice around the benefits she may be entitled to, I've provided her with several support numbers, CAB, MacMillan. It looks like she may be eligible for a MacMillan grant. She takes no for an answer quite easily, but I've told her she needs to keep trying. This is frustrating in itself, she doesn't push for help.

If her treatment goes well, she's hoping to return to work at the end of April starting gradual. She's desperate to get back, and says she feels like a burden. It's hard isn't it, you want to support them - you only get one mum right? But agree, if things don't go to plan with her treatment we need to sit down and sort out a longer term strategy as this isn't sustainable.

What’s your sister’s situation? Is she working while she lives in Dubai or is she only there because her husband is working or what? Do they have children or are they planning children? Are they saving in the hope of buying a home or anything else?

I don’t think it’s fair for either you or your Mum to expect financial help from your sister, despite your Mums situation being awful. You’re holding it against her for having holidays, but her husband has a say in those too, and in what happens to marital/family money even if your sister does earn herself. Maybe they booked the holiday a long time ago? She doesn’t have a responsibility to give your Mum money and neither of you should feel pressured into it. Especially as your mum is reluctant to find help she’s entitled to from elsewhere. She should be doing what she can for herself before expecting her children and their partners to provide for her.

@HamBone I would never let myself get to a place where my children are having to support me - I simply wouldn’t accept any help from them, no matter what. I’m here to support them - not the other way around.

Financial support is provided to those who are unable to work both by the government and by charities (like MacMillan). And frankly a 60 year old woman should have savings of her own, or assets she can sell. That generation have had it a hell of a lot easier financially than their children. If she is having to take money from her children then something has gone seriously wrong.

Of course if my mother asked me for money I would give (and have previously given) it to her. But no way would I put my children in that position.

That's a horrible thing to do, do you think that she'd suddenly change her mind or would it make you feel better?
She knows already but has chosen not to help, that's her perogative
It's a lovely thing you are doing @Sh82

I would be direct with your sister. Polite but firm. « Sister, our mum is I’ll and cannot pay her bills. I have lent her £500 and she is seeking other financial help. I understand you’ve said no. In the circs I don’t want to see any more holiday pictures. »