I'm the only one financially helping mum

[Sh82]

My mum has cancer, diagnosed in December and awaiting treatment. She lives alone, and usually works a minimum wage job, but has been on statutory sick leave. With the cost of living, like many, she's been struggling with bills and food, and I've had to lend her money so she can make ends meet. She gets benefits, but there's still a shortfall each month.

I have a sister who lives in Dubai, who is getting decent money (she's just back from a 3 week luxury holiday and has booked another). Despite me being a full-time student with my own children, my sister offers nothing. My mum approached her for financial help (a loan), and my sister she says she can't afford to help...

At the end of the day, she's my mum and she's struggling, so I'll do all I can to help her. But the amount is creeping up (currently over £500, so not an insubstantial sum). I'm feeling so resentful of my sister offering nothing, and if I receive one more holiday photo from her - I may scream!!

Am I being unreasonable to want to distance myself from my sister, given how she's behaving?

@Donkeyotey i agree with you in theory, I have no intention of letting my children support me either.

But life can be difficult with unexpected twists and turns. I know someone irl who’s been left homeless due to her late husband’s poorly written will. It was totally unintentional, but these things can happen. Only one if her adult children has stepped in to help her, and I can’t help judging the others.

I just couldn’t let my parent stress about bills when they’re battling cancer. I’m lucky in that my Dad’s financially self-sufficient, but I’ve chosen to pay for some extra help around the house to save him the effort and prevent falls. Plus he hates housework. 😂

I take what you're saying on board, and agree - definitely no-one should be pressured into giving anyone money regardless of the situation. But if I didn't help mum, I don't know what she'd do, she has nowhere else to turn.

My frustration really is that my sister doesn't seem particularly bothered about the situation. She works full time, on a decent salary (60k plus apparently, and no tax - as does her husband), yet it appears its only me stepping in to help mum. I hear through mum that my sisters had her teeth done, botox, boozy brunches, booked another holiday, paying for people to fly there for visits- yet its me who is shouldering the responsibility of keeping mum financially afloat. It may be that she's sticking it all on credit cards, goodness knows, but it's the lack of consideration that blows me away. She hasn't asked once how mum's doing, or how things are going financially. We get sent plenty of photos from my sisters adventures. I've stopped replying to these (and actually left the watsapp group today, seeing these images I find it distasteful).

I'm going to take your suggestions, and make sure that mum is getting the right financial advice around benefits, etc. There could be more support out there for her. But sadly, I think I may have seen my sister's true colours. I think family should be more important than botox and beach breaks

I have been there. What I was frank about with my sister was that her lack of help was her business but it absolutely effects my relationship with her as a sister.

What if the sister doesn't really have the money? Not all that glitters is gold

That is absolutely how I feel, I'm sorry you had to go through a similar thing.

Hi, I am sorry to hear about your mum. When my dad had cancer he had support from Age Concern (apologies if mum isn'told enough to use their sevices), a lovely gentleman visited him and home and discussed all the benefits he was entitled to.

I would be tempted to put in an appeal with Pip, I don't know if you have a DIAL in your area - they're a charity that helps people with disabilities and long term illnesses. My local branch helps people fill in forms for Pip and helps people win appeals.

Unfortunately I don't have any advice on speaking with your sister about the situation. But I completely understand your frustrations, none of my brother's were much help when it came to caring for my dad.

OP, I would take any benefits advice from Mumsnet with a huge grain of salt, most people haven't a clue what they are talking about.

Your mum is under pension age and on a low income, so the main benefit available to her would be Universal Credit. You don't mention if she is renting or not, so I will assume she isn't.

If her only income is SSP, then she should get £98/m in UC. This would rise to £689/m once the DWP find her unfit for work, although that can take 3-4 months so likely won't have happened yet. She should also get help towards her Council Tax bill but that varies by area, so I can't give an exact figure.

There is the possibility of PIP, but even with cancer, it's far from a sure thing and if she is living by herself without a carer, it doesn't surprise me that she has been turned down. It is still worth having CAB/Macmillan double-check if there is a good chance at appeal but don't count on it.

Thanks to all your advice, I got mum to call Macmillan again. Turns out she is eligible for a £350 grant, and is entitled to more universal credit than she's receiving - so she's going to follow this up. Great advice to always check and check again for sources of support - its amazing the work Macmillan do

Hi OP.

You could apply for PIP for your mum - if she is under 65 - but it's tricky to get it for cancer - unless she's terminal..

Government website states...

Eligibility

You can get Personal Independence Payment (PIP) if all of the following apply to you:

you’re 16 or over

you have a long-term physical or mental health condition or disability

you have difficulty doing certain everyday tasks or getting around

you expect the difficulties to last for at least 12 months from when they started

You must also be under State Pension age if you’ve not received PIP before.

So you'd have to argue that she is likely to be in this state for at least 12 months.

With UC - she needs to try to get a health assessment to see if she can go into hte "limited capability for work group" - again I'm not sure if they will do this short term... but worth a try...

I'm not 100% sure she could claim UC straight away though because UC is an "income" benefit and usually you would apply for a contribution based benefit like ESA - I know that ESA is being phased out - but there is something called "new style ESA"

www.gov.uk/guidance/new-style-employment-and-support-allowance

Overview

If you are ill or have a health condition or disability that limits your ability to work you may be able to get New Style Employment and Support Allowance (ESA).

New Style ESA is a fortnightly payment that can be claimed on its own or at the same time as Universal Credit (UC). If you get both benefits, your Universal Credit payment is reduced by the amount you get for New Style ESA.

New Style ESA is a contributory benefit. Normally, this means you may be able to get it if you’ve paid or been credited with enough National Insurance contributions in the 2 full tax years before the year you’re claiming in.

Hopefully some of the above will be useful!

Does your mum have a mortgage? It might be possible to get a short term payment 'holiday'. If she's paying rent there should be a housing element attached to her universal credit. If she's too sick to work and the incapacity goes on for a while she'll get a higher rate of UC. Its not a huge amount, but it wouldn't be that dissimilar to a minimum wage job so she shouldn't be that much worse off. Are you sure this is all down to her being unable to work? Could it be that she's got behind with her bills in general before she got sick?