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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU am I in the wrong?

70 replies

Strawberrysmoothie3 · 19/02/2023 21:10

Happy to be told I’m in the wrong here, just genuinely a bit baffled and don’t know what to do!

i’ve always got on really well with my colleagues in the office. We all work well together and have a laugh too. I’ve always tried to be as friendly and happy as I can and I always try to help whenever it’s needed, eg covering shifts and buying office treats if I pop out for lunch, and I just generally try to be merry and bubbly but I try not to be annoying eg when someone clearly doesn’t want to talk etc. I don’t know if I’m liked because I don’t know what others truly think of me but I really hope I’m not disliked but maybe I am without even realising it! I really hope not. I work with lovely people and we all have great fun and get along really well.

But about a week ago some colleagues were bitching about me (not in a nice way) and said that I’m always flirting etc with a particular male college. I’m absolutely not- i have a long term boyfriend and im not at all interested in this person in anyway! We’re just really good friends. We have banter, joke around, get along really well but no more so than the way I do with my other colleagues. I behave the same around everyone. I didn’t think I was flirting or ‘leading him on’ like they said, im honestly just being myself and im like this with everyone. i grew up with several brothers and also was best friends with a group of boys (as well as girls) from when we were 5 until now, so im used to hanging around with guys and having banter with them the same way I would do with my girlfriends.

but now I’m worried and feel a bit upset about it. I didn’t realise I was doing wrong and I’m worried other people have thought I was flirting with them when actually I was just getting along with them the same way I would with my female friends. And I’m worried that everyone thinks I’m flirting when I’m really not. I don’t know how to change my behaviour and think it would be sad not to get along with my friends purely because they’re guys. My boyfriend doesn’t care if I’m close friends with guys, the same way I don’t care that he has girl close friends.

I know it sounds a bit petty but I’m upset that my colleagues have been talking about me and believing this. I honestly don’t know what to do or what to think about it all but it’s just made me feel so sad and questioning everything. Im always like this so what if everyone has been thinking I’m flirting with people?!😞

sorry for the rant, just a bit upset about it all x

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 19/02/2023 21:12

”Banter” doesn’t belong in the work place.

Original poster
Strawberrysmoothie3 · 19/02/2023 21:14

Wolfiefan · 19/02/2023 21:12

”Banter” doesn’t belong in the work place.

Apologies I didn’t explain it very well, the office atmosphere is like this so it’s not just me, we all have banter and it’s just the way it is. We also work really hard as well but its a really nice team and company and that’s the general atmosphere IYSWIM

OP posts:
JMSA · 19/02/2023 21:14

Aww, that's such a blow, OP. You sound genuine and lovely. Could it be that they're jealous?
And of COURSE it's all your fault as the woman Confused God forbid he should be accused of flirting with you!
They sound bitchy and judgy, and you must really feel like rug has been pulled out from under you.
Flowers

Original poster
Strawberrysmoothie3 · 19/02/2023 21:17

JMSA · 19/02/2023 21:14

Aww, that's such a blow, OP. You sound genuine and lovely. Could it be that they're jealous?
And of COURSE it's all your fault as the woman Confused God forbid he should be accused of flirting with you!
They sound bitchy and judgy, and you must really feel like rug has been pulled out from under you.
Flowers

Thank you so much, that was so kind of you to say💕You described exactly how I feel, it’s exactly as if someone has pulled the rug away and it was so unexpected! I’m so worried now in case I’ve made other people feel uncomfortable in case they thought I was flirting either to them or others! Thank you so much for the nice comment x

OP posts:
SabbatWheel · 19/02/2023 21:17

Wolfiefan · 19/02/2023 21:12

”Banter” doesn’t belong in the work place.

Gosh your workplace must be exceedingly dull then!

Everywhere I’ve worked (from the hospitality tents at Wimbledon to schools and all sorts in between) there has been banter between work colleagues that is fun, whilst not being inappropriate (e.g. not in front of clients - time and place is crucial!)

Wolfiefan · 19/02/2023 21:18

Maybe we have a different idea of banter. Or maybe I have just worked in a more professional setting. Friendly and helpful. Yes. Banter. No.

Ponoka7 · 19/02/2023 21:19

You've got to get over your fear of being disliked. Unfortunately you'll always have these 'accussations' as a woman. I'd just watch if the men being friendly with you are as friendly to other men and older women. Then you'll know if they are flirting. This isn't on you.

Twawmyarse2 · 19/02/2023 21:20

Take no notice of them.

YOU know your relationship with this man is innocent and just friends and that’s all that matters. Some people think that different sexes can’t be just friends and there must be underlying sexual tension. But that’s their problem.

Out of interest, who told you about this group of colleagues bitching about you? I would be wary of their motives (and whether it’s true) behind telling you.

Abba123 · 19/02/2023 21:21

This reply has been deleted

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Transcriber · 19/02/2023 21:21

@Wolfiefan wow, get a life.

OP, sorry you're going through this. Office gossip and politics and bitchiness is one of the reasons i became self-employed many years ago - but of course i know I've been extremely lucky in being able to do this. I'd be interested to know how you discovered you were being talked about in this way? Did you overhear or did someone tell you? If the latter, I'm wondering what their motivations were? Genuine concern for you or sh*t stirring?

Transcriber · 19/02/2023 21:24

@Abba123 again, wow. I've had a long break from MN and you've just reminded me why I wanted to step away - the amount of vicious, negative, dreadful, bullying people on here whose only goal in life is to be as nasty as possible to as many people as possible.

Original poster
Strawberrysmoothie3 · 19/02/2023 21:24

This reply has been deleted

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Wow that’s a bit harsh, a nauseating pain in the backside.😶

I did explain in my OP that we’re all like this and I’m only like this with the people who like it, and I also said I don’t annoy or act all bubbly around the people you talked about.

to be honest if anything they owe me because I always help them when needed and cover their shifts😀 all things they ask for!

OP posts:
JMSA · 19/02/2023 21:25

This reply has been deleted

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Holy fuck. Projection and then some!

spidereggs · 19/02/2023 21:25

Deary me.

And we wonder what went wrong in society. How can people pick op for being nice.

Op, just be you. Everything else is their issue.

Use this to definitely your own personal boundaries. Can you cover my shift? No, I'm sorry, you criticised me for that last time,I'm busy, with my friends.

Original poster
Strawberrysmoothie3 · 19/02/2023 21:28

Thanks for the nice posts, I started hearing some banter about me flirting but it was only passing comments and I ignored it but thought it was weird and then last week I eventually asked what they were talking about and they said I’m always flirting with the guys and they were absolutely not saying it in a nice or fun way, it was meant negatively. I also found out they were saying it to other people behind my back. One of the people who said it last week is actually my supervisor! I just sort of said oh ok and walked away but inside I was in bits about it and it took everything not to burst into tears!

OP posts:
JMSA · 19/02/2023 21:30

I really feel for you, OP. I've never forgotten that sickening high school feeling, when you realise you're the topic of bitchiness!

Aquamarine1029 · 19/02/2023 21:32

Gently, it sounds to me as though you are trying far too hard to make people like you and you care FAR too much about what they think of you.

These people are colleagues, they are not your friends. Don't confuse these two very different relationships.

Just be yourself. Be polite and cordial and nothing more. Do your job, do it well, and don't give a single fuck what they think about you.

ToiletRollTower · 19/02/2023 21:35

Fucking hell some of the comments.
OP you come across fine to me. I appreciate people like you. I'd just carry on as you are, try ignore bitching and keep on working hard and being positive.

Wolfiefan · 19/02/2023 21:37

Honestly you’ve clearly misread what is ok at this workplace. It’s a place for work. You’re colleagues. No one should be behaving in a way that could be called flirting. It all sounds toxic. Would be avoided if banter was kept out of the workplace.

DrHousecuredme · 19/02/2023 21:38

I agree with posters saying that you're worrying far too much about being liked.
Be pleasant, have a laugh, do your job and then if people find something to criticise or bitch about...leave them to it.
At the end of the day you're all there to earn money not to make friends.
And many people love a good bitch or gossip and if it's not you it's somebody else.
Try to shrug them off if you can 🤷🏽‍♀️

Original poster
Strawberrysmoothie3 · 19/02/2023 21:39

JMSA · 19/02/2023 21:30

I really feel for you, OP. I've never forgotten that sickening high school feeling, when you realise you're the topic of bitchiness!

oh gosh yes it’s exactly like being back in school and realising everyone was talking or laughing about you😞 horrible feeling! thank you so much x

OP posts:
Original poster
Strawberrysmoothie3 · 19/02/2023 21:40

Wolfiefan · 19/02/2023 21:37

Honestly you’ve clearly misread what is ok at this workplace. It’s a place for work. You’re colleagues. No one should be behaving in a way that could be called flirting. It all sounds toxic. Would be avoided if banter was kept out of the workplace.

I understand your point but I don’t think I’ve misread it because this is very much the way the office culture is. Everyone is like this, including management- it’s not just me. I suppose it’s dependant on workplace but it’s defining encouraged here- it’s the fact I’ve been getting along really well with the guys that seems to be the problem

OP posts:
GlassBunion · 19/02/2023 21:41

Honestly love, just keep being you. It looks to me that you are popular because you're lovely... which means that the witches will try to bring you down.
There will always be witches in a workplace environment be they male or female.
Keep being lovely.

Original poster
Strawberrysmoothie3 · 19/02/2023 21:43

Aquamarine1029 · 19/02/2023 21:32

Gently, it sounds to me as though you are trying far too hard to make people like you and you care FAR too much about what they think of you.

These people are colleagues, they are not your friends. Don't confuse these two very different relationships.

Just be yourself. Be polite and cordial and nothing more. Do your job, do it well, and don't give a single fuck what they think about you.

Thank you, I see what you mean. I definitely care too much and I worry about being disliked! I think it’s just a bit confusing because we are all friends as well as colleagues, a lot of us are friends outside of work too. Honestly I’m trying just to be myself and when I was much quieter and more professional and didn’t have fun with everyone, everyone commented that I wasn’t as cheery as usual and they kept asking if someone had died (I just had the flu and wasn’t in a happy mood, lol) I’m just trying to be myself but that seems to have caused everyone to think I’m flirting so maybe it’s the way I am that’s the problem- argh, it’s all very confusing! Thanks for the advice x

OP posts:
Original poster
Strawberrysmoothie3 · 19/02/2023 21:45

ToiletRollTower · 19/02/2023 21:35

Fucking hell some of the comments.
OP you come across fine to me. I appreciate people like you. I'd just carry on as you are, try ignore bitching and keep on working hard and being positive.

Thank you very much! I suppose in fairness I did ask for honest opinions but a few comments have been particularly harsh! 😶

OP posts: