AIBU am I in the wrong?

[Strawberrysmoothie3]

Happy to be told I’m in the wrong here, just genuinely a bit baffled and don’t know what to do!

i’ve always got on really well with my colleagues in the office. We all work well together and have a laugh too. I’ve always tried to be as friendly and happy as I can and I always try to help whenever it’s needed, eg covering shifts and buying office treats if I pop out for lunch, and I just generally try to be merry and bubbly but I try not to be annoying eg when someone clearly doesn’t want to talk etc. I don’t know if I’m liked because I don’t know what others truly think of me but I really hope I’m not disliked but maybe I am without even realising it! I really hope not. I work with lovely people and we all have great fun and get along really well.

But about a week ago some colleagues were bitching about me (not in a nice way) and said that I’m always flirting etc with a particular male college. I’m absolutely not- i have a long term boyfriend and im not at all interested in this person in anyway! We’re just really good friends. We have banter, joke around, get along really well but no more so than the way I do with my other colleagues. I behave the same around everyone. I didn’t think I was flirting or ‘leading him on’ like they said, im honestly just being myself and im like this with everyone. i grew up with several brothers and also was best friends with a group of boys (as well as girls) from when we were 5 until now, so im used to hanging around with guys and having banter with them the same way I would do with my girlfriends.

but now I’m worried and feel a bit upset about it. I didn’t realise I was doing wrong and I’m worried other people have thought I was flirting with them when actually I was just getting along with them the same way I would with my female friends. And I’m worried that everyone thinks I’m flirting when I’m really not. I don’t know how to change my behaviour and think it would be sad not to get along with my friends purely because they’re guys. My boyfriend doesn’t care if I’m close friends with guys, the same way I don’t care that he has girl close friends.

I know it sounds a bit petty but I’m upset that my colleagues have been talking about me and believing this. I honestly don’t know what to do or what to think about it all but it’s just made me feel so sad and questioning everything. Im always like this so what if everyone has been thinking I’m flirting with people?!😞

sorry for the rant, just a bit upset about it all x

God just ignore them OP. I’ve also had this a few times BUT my only word of caution is that a lot of my male friends I made at work where I swore blind it wasn’t flirty (because it wasn’t from my side) would eventually make a pass at me and kill the friendship. Even though I was in a happy relationship and they supposedly were as well.

So if one of them asked you to take work on for them or swop leave what would you now say?

If this were me I'd quieten down a bit (quietly sulk 🤣), and when asked why I was quiet I'd tell them its because I'll be accused of flirting so I'm being mindful of who I speak to.

They sound jealous. I've always got on better with lads and had some great friendships with them that other girls didn't understand.

Where do you work a court?

Health and Safety officer perhaps...

Banter can be dangerous all those people falling off chairs with laughter.

All this "work colleagues are not friends" stuff is weird to me. I've made close friends at work, e.g. people I've gone on to live with, and stayed in touch after leaving workplaces. Where do the "no friends at work" people make friends as adults? And why not enjoy the time spent at work? It's a big chunk of your life.

You know what your “problem” is, OP? You’re lovely, confident and so at ease with being yourself that the bitchy ones in the office are jealous of your popularity, and are using it to undermine you.
Head high, and kill them with kindness - if they don’t come around, at least you’ll expose them to the rest of the office for the green-eyed monsters that they are🤩

The only people I’ve ever met who use the word banter IRL are immature teens or those who take the piss then claim it was banter when people take offence.
Of course you can be friends with people at work. But at work you need to be professional.

I sincerely hope you don't manage anybody.

In my experience, banter that tips over into flirty-type comments is usually judged differently when it’s a woman saying it. It’s unfair, but it’s true. So @Strawberrysmoothie3 might be making the same type of comments as her male colleagues, but it can be interpreted differently, especially if she is young, friendly and outgoing.

It also sounds as though you are friendly/ chatty with one male colleague in particular, which will add to the ‘flirting’ suggestion (even if this is a normal way for friends to chat for you). And the fact that your supervisor was one of the people talking about this should be a warning sign as well - even if it’s unjustified, you should think about whether you are giving off the ‘wrong impression’ because you will be judged for it even if your male colleague is not, in my experience.

I’d suggest toning it down a little bit so you’re still being friendly, but not in a way that could be interpreted as flirting.

Thankfully I’ve never had to manage anyone who thought banter that could be seen as flirty was appropriate.

@Wolfiefan Do you ever get any actual work done at your job? Must be quite time-consuming sucking on that lemon.

Been at my current workplace for a while now and think over the years I have been gossiped about having a lesbian affair with my former boss, and having it off with a married male colleague. Can only assume the people who gossip like this have very boring lives, as not even sure where my vag is these days, let alone been using it to bonk colleagues with. Some people are nasty. No point worrying about them. Just live your life the way you want to.

To be honest it sounds like pure jealousy but you need to pull those colleagues gossiping about you up & set them straight!
Rumours can get people into massive trouble & their rumour is casting aspersions on your character!!
Nip it in the bud now!!!

You sound lovely, if you’re young and attractive it can be jealousy especially if you get on with guys well. I used to get it and now I’m my late 40s females are a lot nicer to me and I’ve not acted any differently. Don’t change it’s their issue x

Your supervisor needs a refresher course at the very least

This was me in my 20s. It did matter to me to be liked by my colleagues and I put a lot of effort into being ‘nice’ and friendly. I also had more male friends than female friends because I found them easier to get along with. They were more straightforward and didn’t do the bitchy, cliquey, office politics stuff.
But even with me trying to be the nicest colleague ever I found some people didn’t like me and I realised it was easier to just be myself and they like me or they don’t and that’s on them. If I know I’m a decent person then just cut my losses. You can’t make people like you.
But I was devastated one day when some of my male friends admitted they fancied me. I apparently had a very different view of our relationship than they did. So I dialled it back and behaved differently around them because I didn’t want to be perceived that way. I thought we were mates and they thought I was totty. We remained friends but it did change how we were friends.
I know some people think men and women can’t just be friends without some sexual dynamic and I don’t completely agree with that but I do think when you’re young and the market is more open, you have to be a bit careful not to give the wrong impression. It’s sad for sure. I was really upset when I found out about my bloke mates. But I do think to some extent a lot of blokes - mainly when they’re younger - will be assessing their chances with most women they encounter. If it wasn’t in your mind, I’d be surprised if it wasn’t in theirs.

Some men do think that any contact with a woman is flirting.. eye contact.. saying hello.. or even just being in the same room.. vom.

It sounds toxic AF OP from all angles.

Definitely try to stop people pleasing, haters gonna hate and you're better off protecting yourself rather than putting yourself in compromising situations by trying to be "liked" by these lunatics (men and women) at work!

You're there to earn money, end of. These people are not your friends!

I actually agree with you.
I have friendly relationships with my colleagues and over my career some have become friends BUT I do prefer to keep it professional at all times