AIBU am I in the wrong?

[Strawberrysmoothie3]

Happy to be told I’m in the wrong here, just genuinely a bit baffled and don’t know what to do!

i’ve always got on really well with my colleagues in the office. We all work well together and have a laugh too. I’ve always tried to be as friendly and happy as I can and I always try to help whenever it’s needed, eg covering shifts and buying office treats if I pop out for lunch, and I just generally try to be merry and bubbly but I try not to be annoying eg when someone clearly doesn’t want to talk etc. I don’t know if I’m liked because I don’t know what others truly think of me but I really hope I’m not disliked but maybe I am without even realising it! I really hope not. I work with lovely people and we all have great fun and get along really well.

But about a week ago some colleagues were bitching about me (not in a nice way) and said that I’m always flirting etc with a particular male college. I’m absolutely not- i have a long term boyfriend and im not at all interested in this person in anyway! We’re just really good friends. We have banter, joke around, get along really well but no more so than the way I do with my other colleagues. I behave the same around everyone. I didn’t think I was flirting or ‘leading him on’ like they said, im honestly just being myself and im like this with everyone. i grew up with several brothers and also was best friends with a group of boys (as well as girls) from when we were 5 until now, so im used to hanging around with guys and having banter with them the same way I would do with my girlfriends.

but now I’m worried and feel a bit upset about it. I didn’t realise I was doing wrong and I’m worried other people have thought I was flirting with them when actually I was just getting along with them the same way I would with my female friends. And I’m worried that everyone thinks I’m flirting when I’m really not. I don’t know how to change my behaviour and think it would be sad not to get along with my friends purely because they’re guys. My boyfriend doesn’t care if I’m close friends with guys, the same way I don’t care that he has girl close friends.

I know it sounds a bit petty but I’m upset that my colleagues have been talking about me and believing this. I honestly don’t know what to do or what to think about it all but it’s just made me feel so sad and questioning everything. Im always like this so what if everyone has been thinking I’m flirting with people?!😞

sorry for the rant, just a bit upset about it all x

Odfod. You sound utterly joyless.

I think it’s just a bit confusing because we are all friends as well as colleagues, a lot of us are friends outside of work too.

This is what I mean by confusing and blurring workplace relationships. You really aren't "friends" with these people, even if you socialise outside of work. The fact that you are colleagues is the dominant factor in your relationship.

Nope. But my “joy” has never been found in banter with colleagues.

I usually read your posts and think how well you come across and you've given some good advice over the years. Tonight you're coming across like an arsehole.

Nothing wrong with banter, I've worked at the same place for 20 odd years, we have lots of banter whilst still being professional.

it’s the fact I’ve been getting along really well with the guys that seems to be the problem

Im guessing yours probably quite attractive too OP. They probably wouldn’t give a shit if you were ugly!

Thats life.

Yup. I think you can consider that point sufficiently pressed.

Other colleagues clearly don’t see OP as being professional. Maybe it’s the nature of what she’s calling banter. Maybe it’s the idea that they are all friends and not being able to differentiate between friends and work colleagues. Happy to have a laugh at work but don’t actively banter with anyone of either sex. It’s a place of work.

I just don’t really understand why it’s fine when it’s with the girls but when it’s banter with the guys it’s suddenly a problem and I’m flirting and leading them on etc! I act the same way round them as I do my girlfriends x

You think OP is harmless and trying hard to be nice, and you are the exact opposite aren't you. You really are a very unpleasant spite riddled person.

Have they said it’s fine when it’s with the girls? Is the banter different with the lads?

What a shame for you. Are you lacking in humour or something?

I've had 30 years of joy from workplace banter, all in a "professional setting" (your words). Can't rate it highly enough. OP

@Abba123 Vicious and absolutely unnecessary.

OP, just be yourself at work, you sound lovely.

I think you sound lovely OP and to be honest, I don't know why 'accusations' of flirting has upset you so much? Some people are just naturally flirty and there's nothing wrong with that imo.

But I do kind of agree with PPs who say you're coming across as though you're trying a bit too hard to be liked.

And after reading the post I've quoted, I now understand why if that was your experience of school?

Easier said than done, but perhaps try to grow a thicker skin?

no but they didn’t comment or bitch about me and it’s the exact same way they all have banter, it’s only when I get along well with the guys that the issues have started. Nope it’s not different with the boys I’m the exact same with everyone, I’ve got more male than female best friends so I’m used to being good friends with guys and it’s not any different to the way I am with the girls x

Relationships can evolve. My son’s godmother is my best friend; we met at work nearly a decade ago.

yeah I definitely see what you mean, I think it’s just the way they said it, I’m not explaining I really well but it was said so scornfully and the idea of everyone saying I’m flirty etc behind my back was really upsetting although it’s probably just me being over sensitive. My boyfriend knows what I’m like and doesn’t care (equally I don’t care if he has girl best friends!) but I still don’t like the idea of being seen as flirty or like I’m leading guys on x

@Aquamarine1029 I don't agree that you can't be friends as well as colleagues. I think you'll find a lot of people meet lifelong friends in the workplace, people who you keep in your life even when you job changes.
I would honestly hate to be friends or colleagues with some posters on this thread. I mean, where do you all work and how do you survive a day's work without a bit of light-hearted conversation and jokes to see you through

Then can I suggest you own it?

I mean own being seen as flirty - not 'leading guys on' because they're two different things entirely.

If they see you as flirty (and some people have different ideas of what that means), then let them think that.

They obviously seem to like you regardless so what does it matter really?

And to the PP who claims you can't be friends as well as colleagues and 'banter doesn't belong in the work place', I'm sad for you that you obviously haven't experienced the wonderful workplace friendships that many of us have.

I work with a small, very tight knitted team with ages ranging from 25 to 66 and we all love spending time together outside of work.

Some very close friendships have evolved and the funny banter, makes everyone's day and keeps our spirits up.

If I had to guess, I expect you’re an attractive woman and these bitchy women are all a bit jealous.

Ignore it. You’re clearly popular and have strong friendships. Don’t let them make you second guess yourself.

I mean, that's great when it happens but it's the icing on the cake when it does and shouldn't be the expectation in every job.

This is the exact reverse of a post either on here or Reddit with the man who felt "led on" complaining about this exact scenario, it was very recent. Are you aware of that post OP?

If you're genuinely not flirting then they sound like dicks. Probably just jealous, I'd ignore it. You do you 🙂

I have been accused of the same thing in the past but I was just being nice, friendly and smiley. Ie normal like I am to everyone. I would suggest u say loudly to each bloke that u are not flirting with them by the way so don’t get any ideas!!! Or ask them direct if they think u are flirting with them?

Well next time someone says You're Quiet, tell them you got accused of flirting and you do not want to be blamed again

OP - I think you sound lovely and like you try to foster a happy workplace!

I'm not sure why some posters are insisting that "banter" doesn't belong in the workplace, perhaps not in theirs, but our work encourage fostering good relationships between colleagues and different teams. It's a good workplace when people can get along rather than just methodically plodding through their tasks and where I work - we need to have good relationships between teams otherwise we'd never achieve our aims!

Someone at work made this comment about me last year - I just said to her, what makes you say that? She tried to say I was too friendly with another member in another team, and it was flirting. I had to explain that I am happily married, he's nearly 50 and I'm not yet 30, he's happily in a relationship and completely gay. That shut her up 😂 😂 she's just the most boring person in work, never says hello to anyone, never asks what people did and the weekend, never engages in any chat about anything ever. She couldn't comprehend that we actually just got along, her tiny mind was blown!

People just love to assume or project their issues! Tbh it reeks of jealousy that you've got good relationships with everyone and can have a laugh. Don't listen to them! Unless you're actually flapping your tattas at them and winking, then you should definitely stop that 😂