I just want to be alone sometimes

[Tiredandtest3d]

I’m feeling conflicted. I have 3 children and a husband who I love very much. I work full time and have a happy and busy life outside of work in terms of socialising, sports, hobbies etc. But… I’m feeling completely overwhelmed by it all. I just want to be left alone sometimes and my husband doesn’t seem to get it.
We’re quite different as individuals, I’m not naturally the most sociable person, I cope and I enjoy socialising to a degree but I also hate it sometimes and we end up arguing over calendar commitments. The thing is I sometimes feel like my husband is like a fourth child that needs to be entertained. Not in the sense that I need to care for him as he’s great at caring for himself and all of us he cooks, does washing etc. more than me when I’m working a lot- it’s more that he’s not very good at being alone and so our evenings generally consist of us watching tv together. He used to work away sometimes and I actually miss those evenings where I would just go and read a book alone once the kids were in bed. I now feel like he takes it personally if I suggest that I don’t want to spend the evening with him but it’s driving me insane as I feel like I just don’t get a second of any day where I can guilt free spend some time alone.
He says we don’t get time alone together in the day because the kids are always around/ we’re working etc. and so he understandably values that time together in the evening, as do I but just not all the time. He’s not great at seeing things from someone else’s point of view so because he wants to spend every evening together and watch the same programs together and go to bed together he cant understand why I wouldn’t want to do the same, he thinks it’s odd. And I then feel like it’s me that has a problem or I feel guilty and ungrateful but it’s just getting worse as the less time I have to myself I feel myself resenting him for it.

I recently went away for work and was probably the only person who found the 11 hour flight absolute bliss as I was alone and able to read a book and think a full thought without having to answer to anyone. Should I be worried?! I’ve tried talking to him about it I don’t want to suggest counselling as he will think I’m being dramatic.

I'm a very calm person by nature but i get really irritable and even upset if I haven't had time to myself.
I even look forward to going to work when the house is busy because at least I can sit quietly without too many people talking to me.
Generally evenings are fine because we all very much do our own thing in separate rooms and are happy with that but if husband is at home on my days off and kids are at school I hate it!
He follows me from room to room talking to me while I'm trying to do jobs. Then I feel guilty if I want to sit down for an hour because I feel like I should be seen to be productive.
I really feel for people who now have partners working from home and so no longer get the house to themselves.

Yanbu x

I think it’s totally normal OP and most people feel like this some of the time. For mothers it’s totally normal. I’m fairly extrovert and I need time to recharge and have to deliberately set aside a couple of evenings a week to read a book. These coincide with my DP’s football watching schedule so it suits us but it can be difficult to find a balance sometimes.

You do need to impress upon your DH that this is something you need and it in no way takes away from your wanting to do shared stuff with him but he does need to respect this for your MH and the good of the relationship.

@15feb your partners reaction sounds fairly extreme tbh. I totally understand that introverts need more time to themselves but needing to “recharge” after 15 minutes watching TV with your spouse?

Are you sure there isn’t something else going on? This sounds so extreme I wonder if it isn’t depression….

I was distraught when my exhusband suddenly left out of the blue (affair), but after maybe 4 days sat alone after putting the kids to bed I suddenly thought...THIS IS AMAZING! and have thought so ever since 😂it's the ultimate exhale.

Just tell him a couple of times a week is you time, the rest you can spend together.

An evening walk or run for you is a great way to get alone time without having to spell it out. Also you could read and sit in the same room as him. I know this is not strictly alone time but at least you don't have to watch his programmes.

We all work fulltime and bring dcs to activities in the evenings. I only get an hour or maybe 2 of downtime a night. Some of this is spent shopping online for dc clothes, researching hols etc. I find the evening walk invaluable as evenings get brighter.

We tend to watch stuff together on a Friday/Saturday but the rest of the time we do our own thing. I’m a huge reader and he likes computer games. It would drive me mad if I couldn’t read, it’s my break from reality.

@Thepeopleversuswork No, I never said 15 mins :) an ep or two of TV, can be 30 mins to 1+ h, maybe 2h sometimes. I suppose I may be overlooking chatting/catch up time etc as well, which might stretch on from his perspective – not sure, as an extrovert it really doesn't register except as a pleasant non-event.

He doesn't need to recharge from me, but everything else going on since morning – for context, commuted on the busy Tube to and from, and worked in a really fast-paced job in Central London. As I mentioned, after WFH (non-stop online meetings but at least not physical), he needs far less recharging, but he still really enjoys alone time, whereas I don't love love alone time.

He's quite an extreme/obvious introvert, but enjoys spending time with me and group socialising (just needs to recharge for ages after), reading, running, other hobbies, etc, so no, not depression. He just sounds like OP and a few others on this thread to me.

@15feb what I've taken from a lot of this thread is that it's not the need for either alone or together time that matters so much, it's more the way you communicate it. I would hate for my husband to feel that I don't enjoy the time we spend together which is why I came here, out of frustration over the situation I suppose- how to get my own time without upsetting everyone else. It sounds like you understand that your husband wants to spend time apart sometimes and you don't take it personally (or it doesn't seem that way?). I think that's all I want really.

I feel your pain
DH wfh, I walk to work (part time) and that 2.5 minutes is the only alone time I get… I’m often met at the door, it’s suffocating! If I come home from something and sit in the car for a few mins (I’m sure you understand!) he comes and opens the car door
I’m going to buy eggs now, I’ll be driving the long way!! In the house I’m continually hunted down by kids/husband/dog

put your foot down now and carve your time before it’s too late

Yanbu at all. He ought to respect your needs are as important as his. Perhaps a few white lies....headache, early night, supermarket shop alone with a sneaky trip to Costa after, bath

@AwfulTed he comes and opens the car door?! Really? To me that sounds crazy and a bit stalkerish, but maybe I am the strange one. Me and my DH are the opposite…many evenings we eat together in front of the TV but then do our owns things, I read and watch ‘my’ crap on TV, he plays computer games and watches ‘his’ rubbish. We are both happy with that though so we work 🙈

YANBU, at all!
Although I have a busy life and am sociable when I want to be, I’m naturally more introverted and value my alone time. I’m also an only child which I think is probably part of it and have always preferred peace and quiet to noise and chaos. DS is almost an adult now, so I have more time to myself again.

DH would like to be around me all the time if he could, but we’ve sorted out a routine that works for us - Mon-Wed evenings after dinner are my own time unless something crops up, and Thurs-Sun evenings we do things together or social stuff.

@Sohappyrun yeah I realise it is weird, but I’ve stopped him following me around all morning while I get ready for work so that’s a start! I’m absolutely sure it’s because of wfh, I’m certain it’s not healthy for everyone and he’s just always over aware of what everybody in the house is doing. We have had it out and he’s got a lot better at not crowding me, but I know a lot of it stems from being shut in his office all day. I know we aren’t unique in experiencing stress around this