Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I just want to be alone sometimes

63 replies

Tiredandtest3d · 19/02/2023 21:05

I’m feeling conflicted. I have 3 children and a husband who I love very much. I work full time and have a happy and busy life outside of work in terms of socialising, sports, hobbies etc. But… I’m feeling completely overwhelmed by it all. I just want to be left alone sometimes and my husband doesn’t seem to get it.
We’re quite different as individuals, I’m not naturally the most sociable person, I cope and I enjoy socialising to a degree but I also hate it sometimes and we end up arguing over calendar commitments. The thing is I sometimes feel like my husband is like a fourth child that needs to be entertained. Not in the sense that I need to care for him as he’s great at caring for himself and all of us he cooks, does washing etc. more than me when I’m working a lot- it’s more that he’s not very good at being alone and so our evenings generally consist of us watching tv together. He used to work away sometimes and I actually miss those evenings where I would just go and read a book alone once the kids were in bed. I now feel like he takes it personally if I suggest that I don’t want to spend the evening with him but it’s driving me insane as I feel like I just don’t get a second of any day where I can guilt free spend some time alone.
He says we don’t get time alone together in the day because the kids are always around/ we’re working etc. and so he understandably values that time together in the evening, as do I but just not all the time. He’s not great at seeing things from someone else’s point of view so because he wants to spend every evening together and watch the same programs together and go to bed together he cant understand why I wouldn’t want to do the same, he thinks it’s odd. And I then feel like it’s me that has a problem or I feel guilty and ungrateful but it’s just getting worse as the less time I have to myself I feel myself resenting him for it.

I recently went away for work and was probably the only person who found the 11 hour flight absolute bliss as I was alone and able to read a book and think a full thought without having to answer to anyone. Should I be worried?! I’ve tried talking to him about it I don’t want to suggest counselling as he will think I’m being dramatic.

OP posts:
Botw1 · 19/02/2023 21:12

Yanbu.

It doesn't matter what he thinks or what he wants or what he thinks is odd.

You're entitled to time to yourself.

Put your foot down and make sure you get the time you need

Hell cope

Rugbyballhead · 19/02/2023 21:31

I know what you mean, I get overwhelmed sometimes and just want a bit of time to myself to not talk and to disappear into a good book!
How about having a really long bath and take your book with you if he doesn't understand?
It's hard to describe the reason for needing a bit of alone time to someone who doesn't get it! Luckily my husband likes a bit of time to himself too so isn't offended if I disappear upstairs for a bit!

rothbury · 19/02/2023 21:34

I found myself grateful to be in the dentist chair last week.

I could just lie back, shut my eyes, and nobody expected me to talk! 😂

YANBU at all.

Sohappyrun · 19/02/2023 21:37

YANBU at all. I really value my alone time, I’m probably a bit strange in this way, I don’t know, but if my DH wanted to sit together every evening, watch the same programmes together, go to bed together, I would find it completely suffocating and crave alone time, particularly after looking after the kids or working all day

JMSA · 19/02/2023 21:39

If I didn't have time on my own, I don't know what I'd do. I feel rotten saying this, because I have kids, but being alone kinda feels like my default setting!

SpinningFloppa · 19/02/2023 21:40

Normal surely I’m a single parent but still dream of time alone

ssd · 19/02/2023 21:41

You sound totally normal to me but your dh sounds a bit needy

MsChatterbox · 19/02/2023 21:41

I think you just need to explain to him that I know you don't get it, but this is something I need for my mental health so please respect it. Reassure him you still enjoy spending time with him but on this occasion you need some time alone. And then do it!

Jerseymilkshake · 19/02/2023 21:43

YANBU, I had an MRI recently and the nurses laughed at me when I said I loved the peace.

Maray1967 · 19/02/2023 21:43

ssd · 19/02/2023 21:41

You sound totally normal to me but your dh sounds a bit needy

He’s massively needy.

We watch different programmes most nights or are working/ doing hobbies and there is no way I would feel obliged to watch the same crap that DH watches.

15feb · 19/02/2023 21:46

ssd · 19/02/2023 21:41

You sound totally normal to me but your dh sounds a bit needy

Actually isn't it usual to spend 30 mins to a few hours with the people you live with every night, or most nights? Genuinely asking.

I actually have this issue. My husband would describe me as needy, not being good at spending time alone... However he's an extreme introvert and would happily go weeks without us spending any time together.

Same night viewed from his POV: we watched TV / did something together all night, which was draining. Same night viewed from my POV: we watched some TV together but also spent a fair amount of it in separate rooms (which I'm fine with, I value my alone time too but just want a bit of time together).

coffy11 · 19/02/2023 21:47

You sound like me, i need that time alone in the evenings, it's perfectly normal. That your dh can't understand that is very concerning.

AutumnLeaves5 · 19/02/2023 21:49

www.ted.com/talks/susan_cain_the_power_of_introverts

This TED talk by Susan Cain and her book Quiet made me realise how much I need time alone to recharge and pretty much function…and that it’s perfectly normal!

cassiatwenty · 19/02/2023 21:50

YANBU totally ok to want your alone time. Just because they are family, doesn't mean you need to be together all the time.

15feb · 19/02/2023 21:56

To add on to my previous post, curled up alone reading a book is lovely, but over many days, it can be a bit miserable just being in different rooms not talking to each other all day and all evening, and going to bed separately. Maybe vv quick few minute chat but not longer than that, as it eats into his "recharging" time and drains him.

We feel like flatmates or even strangers often. And I sometimes feel resentful he's like the Prime Minister or something, I have to request an audience with him, and am given a limited timeslot.

I think neither of you are BU but I also think it's weird people are framing your DH as concerning, etc. Likely someone will come along with abusive and controlling soon 😅 personality differences exist. Introversion and extroversion are common terms because these categories strike a chord with so many people.

15feb · 19/02/2023 21:56

Personality differences and incompatibilities* (not saying you aren't compatible in other ways)

CandyLeBonBon · 19/02/2023 21:58

Jerseymilkshake · 19/02/2023 21:43

YANBU, I had an MRI recently and the nurses laughed at me when I said I loved the peace.

I said exactly the same! Op I crave time on my own. I'm never alone. Haven't had more than an hour or two by myself in over 3 years. I miss silence.

Hesma · 19/02/2023 21:59

YANBU… run yourself a bath and read your book there

Hankunamatata · 19/02/2023 22:00

I go to bed same time as kids one night a week and read then dh comes to bed later

Bippetyboppityboob · 19/02/2023 22:01

I need time alone too, it's nothing to feel bad about.

Hbh17 · 19/02/2023 22:03

Alone time is essential, in my opinion, and I couldn't cope without it.

MrsHGWells · 19/02/2023 22:05

Completely normal to crave “self time” - the evening monotony of sitting watching tv drains me. I prefer quiet time, reading, painting or stretching out in a quiet bath.

suggest start with with one night a week for you time.. OH will find a hobby and will enjoy his own self time

JMSA · 19/02/2023 22:08

Actually, I'm not even sure I could live with a man again.

TomatoSandwiches · 19/02/2023 22:10

YANBU and I would find his unwillingness to see your pov and appreciate this as a need extremely suffocating.

Soproudoflionesses · 19/02/2023 22:26

Yanbu op. I am the same - absolutely crave time alone and hate it if he gets in from work early because that is the only bit of time l have to myself all day. My ex was the other extreme...never at home and l just want a middle ground. Love it when football is on cos l can potter about uninterrupted while he watches it.