I just want to be alone sometimes

[Tiredandtest3d]

I’m feeling conflicted. I have 3 children and a husband who I love very much. I work full time and have a happy and busy life outside of work in terms of socialising, sports, hobbies etc. But… I’m feeling completely overwhelmed by it all. I just want to be left alone sometimes and my husband doesn’t seem to get it.
We’re quite different as individuals, I’m not naturally the most sociable person, I cope and I enjoy socialising to a degree but I also hate it sometimes and we end up arguing over calendar commitments. The thing is I sometimes feel like my husband is like a fourth child that needs to be entertained. Not in the sense that I need to care for him as he’s great at caring for himself and all of us he cooks, does washing etc. more than me when I’m working a lot- it’s more that he’s not very good at being alone and so our evenings generally consist of us watching tv together. He used to work away sometimes and I actually miss those evenings where I would just go and read a book alone once the kids were in bed. I now feel like he takes it personally if I suggest that I don’t want to spend the evening with him but it’s driving me insane as I feel like I just don’t get a second of any day where I can guilt free spend some time alone.
He says we don’t get time alone together in the day because the kids are always around/ we’re working etc. and so he understandably values that time together in the evening, as do I but just not all the time. He’s not great at seeing things from someone else’s point of view so because he wants to spend every evening together and watch the same programs together and go to bed together he cant understand why I wouldn’t want to do the same, he thinks it’s odd. And I then feel like it’s me that has a problem or I feel guilty and ungrateful but it’s just getting worse as the less time I have to myself I feel myself resenting him for it.

I recently went away for work and was probably the only person who found the 11 hour flight absolute bliss as I was alone and able to read a book and think a full thought without having to answer to anyone. Should I be worried?! I’ve tried talking to him about it I don’t want to suggest counselling as he will think I’m being dramatic.

The flight and reading would be excellent as long as I didn't fall asleep

It is completely normal to need alone time. Could you send him a couple of articles about introverts and why they need time alone? Maybe if it was from a scientific/psychological point of view rather than a you and him point of view it would feel less personal.

I'm mostly an extrovert but still need alone time. I have one evening a week when I get to be alone in the house and the week DH unilaterally decided to cancel it, I lost my shit. I didn't realise until that moment how much I needed it.

I hate anyone wanting to speak to me in the evenings when the kids are in bed. I’m a single parent but if anyone suggested talking on the phone after they’re in bed I’d be horrified! Or when we stay with family, I really hate the idea of having to come down and do conversations for ages after the kids are in bed. I just want silence and alone time by that point.

If they haven’t been with me in the first place I’m fine but it’s just when you’ve been busy all day you need that shut down time before sleeping imo

@15feb Thank you for your honest post

I reckon humans are social animals. We need to be with someone yet also need to calibrate that companionship with some time just for ourselves. Getting to that honest conversations and making plans can be tricky yet not impossible.

Best thing for my mental health was seperating amicably and now I get lots of time alone, half the time with the kids and then we sometimes do family stuff too. I love the family stuff but now see how overwhelming it is having an adult chatting to me and needing me as well as kid noise and needs. No way could I go back to that full time.
Drastic solution I know!

He sounds pretty needy so YANBU. I think it is nice to spend some time together during the day but not necessarily all evening. Also I don't get this watching TV together. DH and I like totally different programmes so I am not going to waste hours watching stuff I have no interest in. If he is watching one of his programmes I just go and do something else and vice versa.

That would drive me completely insane, I need time alone or I go a bit weird. I even found having a baby incredibly suffocating, because you can't bloody leave them. I love being alone. I like socialising too, but afterwards I need silence on my own for a while.

We don't spend our evenings together unless we have something specific we want to do - a film we both want to watch, or something we need to sort out. Neither of us watch much TV, we're both generally either on our phones, working or doing something house-related.

Someone that needy would never have been my husband in the first place 😬 but I think you just need to bite the bullet and be firm with him.

That's the thing though, is it all evening or a fragment of the evening? Also would you spend time together during the day, as at least one would be in full time work, if not both?

In the past, even 30mins to 1 hour once or twice a week would be seen as "all evening" and "all the time" for DH.

It wasn't a chore because there are lots of TV shows we both really enjoy, eg latest one was Happy Valley. But he's such an introvert that that's his social battery drained!

He loves the shows we have in common and he loves me of course, so he puts in the effort, but it is an effort. Also, outside of that short window, we're in separate rooms with shut/semi-shut doors, not speaking all evening as he needs to "recharge" – not quietly doing separate activities alongside each other making some casual conversation now and then.

However after WFH now, he's much less overestimated by the office environment and much more keen to socialise a bit. 30mins to an hour maybe 2 or even 3(!!) weekday evenings – still going to bed separately – is doable at a stretch 😂

I actually don't think this is needy at all. I also think people forget that when you're pushed in 1 direction, you tend to go further into the other direction. So both the extrovert and introvert become more extreme looking when really both might be somewhat okay with a middle ground.

how would you spend time together during the day?* Most couples don't have that luxury

Overstimulated!! Autocorrect

Running is great for grabbing some alone time. Could you join a gym (even if you spend all your time relaxing by the pool with your book) or start a hobby so you get an evening away each week?

Thank you, it's really interesting to hear lots of different views on this. It is reassuring to know that it's normal to want to be alone, and to hear other people say they absolutely 'need' alone time. Also, thank you @15feb for your perspective, I think this is what worries me too, I'm conscious of going down that road of it becoming 'the norm' to not spend our time together, and that it might hurt his feelings if he takes it personally.

I've also realised that up until fairly recently circumstances have always created time apart/alone time (usually one of us being away for work at least once or twice every couple of weeks, sometimes more).

I'm not very good at 'creating' alone time as I've never really had to, so I think it's a conversation that we need to have. It's making sure he understands that it's absolutely no reflection on him or on our relationship. I love watching TV together in an evening- just not EVERY evening. We don't really tend to watch tv separately it's not that I watch his programs we just tend to sit and choose a box set together that we both like and then stick to it.

I think also it's the fact that our kids are a bit older now- so e.g. previously when he would go out to football one evening, if I put the kids to bed for 7pm I would have a couple of hours to myself before he got back, whereas now our eldest is 13 so the same evening would consist of me putting the littler ones to bed, then being with the 13YO who will go to bed just as he gets back.

It's also interesting to hear people seeing it as 'needy' as I've never really thought of him in this way! I think on reading more about it we're definitely an introvert/extrovert couple- I can really relate to this. I'll have the conversation in a different way and hopefully create some alone time in my week that he respects. I think I've been putting it off as I did try to bring it up before but I ended up feeling bad as I don't think I approached it at the right time and it all came out wrong, I ended up shouting I just want to be alone!

I am an introvert married to an extrovert. I used to sit in the car for half an hour when I got home from work to just decompress from the work day and find my energy for the evening of kids and DH insanity. I would then take a half hour bath before bed and locked the door so there was no popping in to just ask a quick question. Then finally I get up 15 mins before everyone else and just have a cup of tea in the quiet before the mad morning starts. I find that having these predictable moments of peace means that I am much more sociable the rest of the day amd less exhausted by being over peopled by the end of the day.

Its also important for me to recognise that DH doesnt operate like that and needs people around him to recharge, so I encourage him to organise social stuff that he does with his friends, so he doesnt need me to ‘refuel’ every day

I'm an introvert too and people often mistake that as "doesnt want to socialise". Its not true- I love socialising BUT I need alone time afterwards to re-charge.

If I dont have a bit of alone time every day I start to feel completely overwhelmed, anxious, irritable and just "off". Even 30 mins of being alone does me wonders.

I dont think you need counselling, I think you just need to explain all this to him. He doesnt get it because extroverts re-charge by being around others so he is getting his needs met quite nicely but you are not. Explain it to him and then make a boundary that you will spend X time alone and re-charging every day. It doesnt have to be a massive amount of time but just knowing you have it will probably really feel comforting. You arent being unreasonable at all- we all need to take of our mental health.

This is like me and my husband. He needs people around him all the time whereas I crave my own company. We actually had a a talk about this yesterday and I’m still feeling in a bit of a mood about it. I tend to do 90% childcare, and house jobs, so there are moments in the day when I just want to be alone. He understands when I say it but doesn’t seem to be able to be able to actually help facilitate it. It’s the only thing we just don’t see eye to eye on

This is why I won’t ever live with a partner again. My need for alone time seems to have increased the older I get. The thought of living with someone in retirement sends a shiver down my spine!

Absolutely you have to talk to him about this and reach some sort of compromise. His need to have someone with him doesn’t trump yours to have some alone time.

I could have written your post a few years ago OP. We've taken a few steps to accommodate my need for peace to recharge my batteries. I don't watch tv with my OH every night. I do if we have a free night at the weekends, and also once or twice in the week. If not, I will read my book next to him, or just go to bed early and read there. OH tends to take DD out one of the days at the weekend, they will do an activity or potter around town. This means I get a few hours go myself. Every now and again I get peopled out and will just go to bed after dinner and sit with my cat and read. It has taken a while but others OH and the kids now respect my need for a bit of alone time now and again!

I agree, he sounds needy. So what are you going to do? I am a complete party animal but I love being alone. I make it happen. I just do. I can't understand why he can't get this. I'd just tell him : 'that whilst he clearly struggles to understand, thus is what I need so it's best if its incorporated'.

You sound totally normal.

Your dh sounds needy and lacking in empathy - he can't understand that not everyone in the world feels like he feels? Bizarre.

Tell him what you need.

How do you see it working if for example you live in a semi with a lounge diner? Send him to the bedroom?

OP, I had a colonoscopy when my kids were little and I remember looking forward to it so I could have a rest afterwards.
I totally understand.

I would worry that he sees your need for alone time as being a problem or odd when as you can see many of us need that. Luckily my DH is similar to me and does not lack empathy so totally understands if I remove myself to another room if I crave peace and quiet to read or do a puzzle or whatever while he watches TV. We do spend 30 minutes to an hour every day though just having a coffee and a chat. Can you make a plan for that regularly so you do make an effort to connect and amidst children, house and work you also make time for each other whilst also keeping some for yourself? If he is not sympathetic with you needing alone time I am afraid I would be saying tough. Your mental health is important and for you personal space overrides his need for company. Maybe he needs a hobby where he goes out and does things on his own?

Be intentional about spending time with him vs alone.

If he feels that you do want to spend specific evenings with him then he will likely be able to more easily accept the nights you don't.

I am the same and luckily my DH also likes quite a lot of time 'alone' however he is retired now so whilst he spends his days golfing, volunteering etc he doesn't go on much in the evenings ..
He used to work away a lot and I love nothing more than a complete evening to myself. I work in a customer facing role, plus have an elderly DP to keep an eye in, so often feel 'talked out' in the evenings. I have been known to stay late at work (on my own) or go in on a Sunday (no one else there) just to have some time to myself . Fortunately we already have separate bedrooms so I just disappear early but then I feel like a teenager holed up in my bedroom!
DH does plan a few trips away, camping or visiting friends without me, so I really look forward to that time alone.

My ex husband is like this, needs company all the time and struggles with being alone.

I would describe myself as a sociable introvert, in that I enjoy seeing friends and spending time with people but need time alone to recharge.

Nobody is wrong or weird, but he does need to understand that this is something you need.