25 years married

[Apennyforyourthoughtsplease]

Is it unreasonable after 25 years, being totally honest, to think a relationship partly continues because of convenience, children, houses, finances, and more platonic love than a sexual love and being happy ‘ enough’. ‘ just enough sex’ ‘ just enough romance’ Rather than deep connection, passions and physical attraction?

Been together 33 years and married 27 years this year. He is the best man I know. Sex has never been the be all and end all in our relationship and has had peaks and troughs throughout our time together. My husband now has a diagnosis of stage 3 prostate cancer which means removal of his prostate and surrounding areas and our sex life will never be the same again. I honestly could not care about this and just want the best outcome for my husband in terms of life expectancy. Whatever comes we will find our way through together hopefully with humour and love for each other.

That’s an excellent point Changemyname
Society has also evolved. It’s no longer shameful for mothers to be unmarried. Or women to be unmarried for that matter. In the past there was tremendous pressure for women to marry. Words like spinster are no longer widely used. Women don’t have to identify as Mrs as if this is somehow better. I’m happily married but I do think the idea of monogamy is outdated for most people. The statistics tend to agree with this too. The majority of 14 year olds do not live in traditional nuclear families.

How depressing to think ‘plodding along’ is what to expect after a long marriage.

We have been married for almost 28 years. I love my husband more than ever, and appreciate him every day. Now our kids are young adults, we’re enjoying so much being able to have holidays on our own (although they will join us once a year) and loads of time where it’s just the two of us.

It’s so important to have the good foundation you started with. Without that, you’re buggered once the kids are grown.

Add to that the pool was smaller, local village, local area, less likely to be country wide. It’s not too many years ago that women were expected to give up work on marriage or not allowed to. Many limitations to meeting someone else.

The pool is world wide now.

I’ve been married for over 30 years. Children are grown and one has left home. If anything our relationship is even more exciting than it was during the child rearing years as we are back to putting ourselves first (and have the disposable income to do so). We have a very passionate relationship and wouldn’t change a thing - certainly not just plodding along. 💥

We've only been together 21 years, so a bit short of the 25, but I love my husband to pieces and I honestly believe he feels the same because he could easily leave if he wanted to. I can't say we have an exciting life, but we love it. I look forward to him coming home, we enjoy sitting watching TV together, holding hands. He is kind, gentle, equal in housework and childcare and fiercely loyal and has stayed by me when I was particularly unlovable. I can't imagine life without him. I had a dream not long ago that he had died, I woke up crying my heart out and absolutely panicked until I realised it was just a dream.

@arethereanyleftatall no need to be infuriated.
OP has said that she is surrounded by divorced friends suggesting that she's plodding along.
I've noticed a lot of people do go looking for the greener grass and then find it isn't greener then try and convince themselves and everyone around them that it was the right decision and it's amazing. Then down the line you find it's not.
They think people are plodding on because they don't go on and on about their relationship.
In real life people don't hear me say about my feelings for my husband and might think we plod along.
Everyone is different, everyone is content in different situations. Everyone has had very different life experiences. I've had friends who have been in abusive relationships and struggled to leave and once they have left they are much happier and want to remain single, friends who are very content, want to remain single and don't want long term relationships. People who have married young and grown apart and divorced as it was no longer a relationship they wanted to continue.
But generally people who go on and on to people about their amazing partners I've found are normally not that amazing.

I think it changes over time. We're 35 years on and still one another. The passion isn't as burning as it initially was but there's still a lot to share. I know lots of people on MN value the sex aspect but we've both been through serious health issues where it just went away for ages and yet we still had a strong marriage. There's nothing wrong with being comfortable and relaxed with your husband. I still love to simply cuddle in beside him and in the evening we sometimes have little to say (we spend a lot of time together during the day) but just having him there makes me feel good.

I can understand someone younger looking for more excitement but lrts face it given time a new relationship will cool and your back where you started.

My parents have been married 60 years and are devoted to each other. It's wonderful to see and my heart aches for whichever of them survives the other when the inevitable happens.

This post is a bit sad. Where do you think those new couples that are madly in love now, will be in 5 years? Hormones are different and a level of familiarity makes things different. Different doesnt mean worse it just means alternative negatives and positives.

No I dont have exactly the same feelings about my husband as I used to. But there is a lot of love there, it's just different. He helped one of my (awkward and a bit annoying) family members with something big recently and it really made me realise how decent a person he is and why I love him. Which is quite different to the being all over each other stage.

Whichever relationship you're in, eventually there will be irritations, there will be illness, job worries, family stress, and petty arguments about whose turn it is to do the housework. Your friends who are dating just havent got there yet

Honestly can’t thank you all enough. X

33 years together. The passion isnt there anymore, a combination of his snoring and my menopausal insomnia had meant separate rooms for a few years now, but the love, respect and absolute trust remains and we are best friends. We can say anything to each other.

Not saying we havent had rocky or difficult patches along the way, but we were both committed to getting through them and knew the other would always be there. Absolutely no interest in trying to find greener grass, it is green enough for me already. If I lost him/he died I wouldnt be interested in another relationship.

We desire each other and have sex weekly at least.

It's not the same as 20 years ago.

In some ways it better - we've had the best sex of our lives this year. But that's cos we are experts and also while the crazy desire is less, the connection and the expertise / confidence is much greater!

But less frequency and you know I'm not burning with a fever for him 24/7.

There are definitely a few times in the months when I really do want him, though.

Then other times when he wants me and i get into it (he is very good at knowing what to do!)

I've been married for 25 years, we've had peaks and troughs in that time, illness, children, poverty. We've also had fun, laughter, tears, arguments, complacency and running through it all love and respect for each other.
Neither of us sre perfect people but we seem perfect for each other. Our strengths and weaknesses compliment each other and we make a great team.

We joke that if we were on one of those programs that involve surviving on a desert island, together we would do ok- as long as we didn't kill each other first.

I can't imagine a life without dh.

I think at any given time a marriage travels along a continuum. If the foundation is there then you’ll get through though the plodding parts and find yourself in the fun parts.

I’m just about 20 years in my marriage and have felt times where I question… are we married or are we roommates. (It doesn’t help that we spend a lot of our time apart due to work.) During that same period I’ve had times when I’ve questioned how I deserve to have found the greatest guy in the world (and have thought he was the luckiest man alive to have found me 🤣)

Sex has been tear each other’s clothes off to eh I’m not bothering to shave my legs and back again.

I can hand on heart say I do get butterflies from time to time, but now it’s likely to do with the small things rather than a grand gesture. Seriously after me once saying I’m brand loyal to TP (loo roll) he has always bought my preferred brand. When we were broke he got the saved money for a yearly golf trip because it was important to him. I didn’t get a holiday those lean years.

Look, he’s seen me at my worst as I have him. New relationships are giddy and fun, but I wouldn’t trade what I have right now for anything. We have plans and goals and we’ll get there the same way we’ve gotten to where we currently are… together.

In other words it’s not about time, it’s about who you are with and how you have or haven’t grown together.

That may be the case in a lot of marriages but I can tell you I have relatives married for over 30 years and one couple n their 80s and married for over 60 years who are still very much in love and can definitely still get a saucy twinkle when they look at each other.

Married for 36 years now. We are each others best friend. Cannot imagine being this close to anyone else.

I think it would be unrealistic to be in a 25 year marriage and not have periods when one or both of you feel like this.

As pp say, peaks and troughs but DH and I have been married for 20 years and together 24 years. He can be infuriating and marvellous. I'd rather be with him than not. We're still in the same bed, still having sex regularly and I believe We're both happy.

I must be in a minority then. I have a lot of friends and relatives who have been married 40 plus years. Still happy, holding hands. You can see there is still love by the way they look at each other. First H , got pregnant in my teens,60s you got married. Turned out to be a gay psychopath,who tried to kill me,(and his F, I subsequently learned later) second DH,quiet,non smoker/drink er married a loud heavy smoking/drinking cheating party animal.