25 years married

[Apennyforyourthoughtsplease]

Is it unreasonable after 25 years, being totally honest, to think a relationship partly continues because of convenience, children, houses, finances, and more platonic love than a sexual love and being happy ‘ enough’. ‘ just enough sex’ ‘ just enough romance’ Rather than deep connection, passions and physical attraction?

I once heard marriage likened to a river which starts off as a pretty stream, winding around rocks and sparkling in the sunshine, but at that stage it can be diverted or blocked with debris. As it moves on it gets wider and deeper and although it might not look exciting it has strong currents following through it which are unstoppable. After 34 years, we are certainly wider and the excitement has gone but I know when the difficult times come I can absolutely rely on dh for support and he can rely on me. Every relationship is different but I think it's how you are during the hard parts of life that really count.

I think for some marriages they get stale and people stay together for the sake of it, the convenience, the children and their pride .however there will be just as many married couples who are together because they love each other deeply, they still have sexual chemistry, they enjoy spending time together , they have a laugh together and because they both want to be together.

dh and I have been together 27 years and we are the latter, personally I couldn’t just stay with someone just because.

Married 32 years and still in love and very happy together. We have no children, don’t know if that has anything to do with it!

We celebrated our fortieth wedding anniversary last year.
I adore my DH just as much as I did on our wedding day, and him me.
My parents have just celebrated their seventieth anniversary and they still love each other as much as they did on their wedding day.
Mutual respect, compromise, trust and taking the rough with the smooth is what it's all about as far as I'm concerned.
We all get pissed off with our partners, kids, jobs and life in general at times but if you're both singing from the same sheet then you can get through most of what married life throws at you.

Some do, some don't. Some people have rocky patches and decide to try and work through it, others bail at the first sign of strife hoping for something better. Some people settle for less than ideal because it is better than the alternative. DH and I have been married for 32 years, we are in a whole new phase of our relationship now our youngest is in Uni, we are currently spending a month in Bali having a blast while our adult "kids" hold the fort at home. We make each other laugh, really enjoy each others' company, have decent sex and genuinely really love and care for each other. We had a really bad patch 15 years ago where it could have gone either way, I am so glad we stuck it out.

Just had our silver wedding anniversary last month.
Still very much in love, and we had a really frank conversation last week where we both said we would make the same choice to be together if we had our time again.
We've had some really tough times, don't have a lot of money despite us both working full time, and have a large family.
We share similar views and hobbies and enjoy spending time together.
We still fancy each other, have frequent (good) sex and are best friends too.
We got together young and have only ever been with each other. My friend says I've missed out, but I really don't think I have.
I think us growing up together and adapting to things together is what's made us strong. We didn't have fixed mindsets or our own way of doing things when we got together, we learned together.
I love him and am in love with him.
He had a haircut and a shave the other day and honestly it made my tummy flip when I looked at him. Even after all this time.
This is after 28 years together.
I cannot imagine life without him and I hope I never have to find out what that would be like.

I’m in a 22 year long relationship but we are not married, does that count?

it wouldn’t be hard to split up so convenience isn’t really a factor, he has his income I have mine. I could run my life and household on my own income with no help from him, he’d have enough family and friends to see him right until he could find his own place.

Yes, we have DC together but we’d manage. I purposely did not marry or merge my finances precisely to avoid the kind of complacency in a relationship you describe. I don’t want anyone to stay with me because it’s easier or more convenient or because of a promise made years ago when we are different people now. That’s not for me.

As for the good things, we make a really good team, we are great friends and I love to spend time with him. Our skills and strengths work well together, so when he is weak I am strong and vice versa. We are kind to each other. But we also have lots of time apart and separate hobbies etc, so we aren’t in danger of being codependent. And we still fancy each other.

I think partners should bring something good to each other’s lives. What that good is may well change over time and seasons but that’s OK.

We plod along. Then every now and then there is a crisis, health or family or finance, and you realise that two really are stronger than one. And the there are the odd moments of unsolicited kindness and concern, the shared interests, the shared experiences.

I’d be wary of listening to other people, OP, because what’s true for one person isn’t necessarily true for others.

DH and I have been together for over 25 years (not married, from when we met, 20+ married) and it’s been a journey. We were besotted with each other at first, but our early married years were rocky as we moved around a lot for work (various countries), which was exciting, but also took a lot of adjustment. We almost split five years in, because we wanted to move to different places! We reconciled and eventually had children, which is another adjustment.

Now we have older teenagers and the romance has rekindled. We go away for weekends together and also give each other space for our own hobbies and friendships. We’ve matured and we’re in love again.

If it wasn’t working though, we’d split. A couple of years ago, ago, DH was complaining a lot about everything and seemed very discontented with our life.
I asked him whether he wanted to separate, because neither of us should “settle.” He was horrified, and we’ve been working through what he’s unhappy about (actually work-related, nothing to do with me) instead of him moaning.

As for the good things, we make a really good team, we are great friends and I love to spend time with him. Our skills and strengths work well together, so when he is weak I am strong and vice versa.

@InTheFutilityRoomEatingBiscuits Your relationship sounds similar to mine. My Grandma used to say “What one lacks, the other provides!” 🤣

I am in my 60s and we have been married 35 years. I think as you age you value very greatly the shared history you have and contentment perhaps rather than passion becomes the best description. The joy we both get from seeing what our children are doing with their lives and more recently, the arrival of a grandchild I find re-cements our connection. I cannot imagine sharing my life with anyone else

Op I suppose your friends are saying that to you to reassure themselves that it's amazing. I've been with my husband since I was a pre teen.
We're certainly different people than we were when we were that young.
We have grown up together, very compatible, I'm comfortable with him, he knows me inside and out and I know him. I wouldn't like a life without him!
He's a lovely dad as well. He's lovely with his family and friends. He's a very loyal man. Sex is good, never boring or a chore.
Yes we have our disagreements about certain things but who doesn't?

'Op I suppose your friends are saying that to you to reassure themselves that it's amazing.'

Comments like this are infuriating. Or, here's a thought, they are saying it because it's true and they want their friend to be happy?!?

On these threads, someone always pops up who can't handle/empathise/have the imagination to see that for some people, it's lovely to be single/divorced/dating. And so, they must be lying. This only ever goes one way. Single people are perfectly able to accept and understand that some people are happier coupled up.

am surrounded by divorced friends in the throws of new exciting relationships with partners that seem amazing !

I can't believe their new partners are amazing, it's just the newness & excitement. There is alot to be said for shared history and stability. I also think relationships go through peaks & troughs often during life stages, such as children, empty nest and retirement.

Leave if there is abuse but be wary of leaving if it's just a trough.

I think convenience is a huge part of marriage actually! It's a commitment. Yourll looks will change sex drive will change, life style will change, interests will change, health will change, even your love will change. Marriage is basically a contract that no matter what you will be there for each other. Its also hard work and will change again. Its not going to be exciting like a new relationship. But as we get older you will want someone you know and trust and have shared life experience with. So yes I think a lot of people are together for convenience, whether love is still there or not.

I think I explained myself very clumsily but hopefully you understand what I'm trying to say

How many of those friends left their marriage from their own choice, no infidelity or domestic abuse? How long did it take them to meet their amazing man? All relationships are fun and exciting in the beginning.

I think a lot of long term marriages are about convenience and companionship, but after 30 years mine is also about a shared history, the loyalty of someone always being there for you and also that we can see a future together.

I haven’t got the energy for the passion of the first decade or so. 😵‍💫

I've been married 15 years now, so a way off 25 but still feel qualified (ish) to give an opinion here. I come from a broken home, my DM has been married and divorced 5 times, my DDad 3 times. I'm only doing it once I've decided. But I think I've got lucky with my DH because we make a good team. We've had a tough 10 years of it with our children but we make it work, and when things are rough my husband is like a steady rock. We still fancy each other, and now the kids are older are starting to rediscover such things as going out together and having a nice time.

One thing I am aware of though is that as time has gone on a lot of it is just pure luck that we complement each other so well, and we are respectful of each other and don't live in each others pockets. Neither of us has a particularly fiery personality and we just rub along together and make the best of it. I wouldn't want to be with anybody else and see friends going through divorces and wrangling with dating again etc, I don't envy them.

Totally agree with this

I think you've described most long term relationships. I don't want to split up with DP because I like living as a family, and neither of us would be willing to only see DS half the time so we stick with what we have.

When DS is older we will probably split up. Or just continue happily living like flat mates, who knows.

We haven't really fancied each other for years.

Another happily married
Silver wedding this year
Together nearly 30 yrs.
love each other more each year and are best friends
Kids all grown up now.

Married twenty years. Second marriage, not sure if that makes a difference. I wouldn’t say it’s all lustfull but I wouldn’t have it any other way, we get along fabulously, ok yes there’s the odd annoyance but I wouldn’t be without DH. We spend pretty much all day every day together.

Yes I think long-term relationships are a myth for most people and parenting is a stage and once it's done oftentimes re-evaulation is needed.

I still really love my DH after close to 30 years. A friends DH has just left her, we got married in the same year. He is a total cliche and left her for a much younger woman. It’s causing huge financial stresses to my friend now in her early fifties. I personally don’t have to worry about finances though both of us are obviously better off with shared expenses.

The thought of getting to know someone new has no appeal whatsoever.

I don’t think the understanding always goes one way, @arethereanyleftatall. I can totally understand why it’s lovely for people to be single/divorced/dating. If my marriage just became convenient, I’d be off, because I personally feel that life’s too short to spend with someone whom you don’t especially want to be with. But that’s just my opinion and what suits me, everyone’s different. Sometimes people just don’t want to be alone and would rather be abit bored than by themselves, and that’s fine.

When marriage was instituted/created, an average persons life expectancy was quite young. People live much longer as we know but perhaps being married does not have the same shelf life which is why so many people's marriages are way past their sell by date !