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Original poster

Moral dilemma with porn use

54 replies

itcouldwork · 18/02/2023 23:47

Please help me work this out. All my life, I feel porn use is kind of normalised - mainly men but women too. I guess I've always accepted that watching it is very widespread, so 'normal' and I haven't judged what people watch in their own homes.. But it's never sat well with me.

I hear so much about trafficking and taking advantage of vulnerable girls, I feel that as my own girls have become teens/young adults, I'm feeling more uneasy about my partner watching porn.

No one really knows if the 'actress' is fully consenting, and if not, are people watching 'rape' unwittingly?

I'm finding it really difficult to reconcile these thoughts and if I can't, I'm not sure if I can continue my relationship. I just can't seem to stop it going around my head. So many awful stories of abused young women, it's hard to accept my partner watching it - he's lovely and kind but thinks all porn is consentual.

OP posts:
ChChChChangeName · 18/02/2023 23:52

I don’t think your position is uncommon. I’d feel the same.

Ruthy45 · 18/02/2023 23:55

Would he not agree to stop watching it out of respect for you?

GoodyAddams · 18/02/2023 23:56

You can end a relationship for whatever reason you see fit.

MN is polarised on porn. So you'll have a 50/50 split of posters agreeing with you and those who think you're ridiculous.

It's your relationship. You get decide what boundaries are important to you and which things you can overlook. You don't need permission from the Internet.

gogohmm · 18/02/2023 23:58

I know, it's tricky. Years ago it was easier in a way because there was an assumption it was paid actors but on the internet I would assume most is amateur, so harder to differentiate.

If a woman genuinely wants to use her body in this way, whilst I don't like it particularly I find it hard outrightly he judgemental but how to you know she's consented, has there been coercion?

Personally I don't watch it myself and nor does my dp, he says I'm the only woman he needs to see Blush

greenspaces4peace · 19/02/2023 00:02

no one honestly goes into this "line of work" willingly and without some form of coercion.
would you like your daughters to go into sex work?
if the answer is no then the answer is simple. no porn use under your roof.
and if that becomes a deal breaker so be it.

DelphiniumBlue · 19/02/2023 00:04

He doesn't think it's consensual, he is deliberately oblivious to the issue, and not addressing the issue because he wants to carry on watching it with a clear conscience.
He'd prefer to think that that these girls are doing it because they really enjoy performing for his entertainment. Let's assume he didn't realise before but you have now pointed out that in fact a lot of these young women are trafficked/addicts/very vulnerable so actually he does know that it is often not consensual. Yet he is still carrying on watching it.

Luredbyapomegranate · 19/02/2023 00:04

Well you are entitled to leave for any reason you see fit. But if he’s generally a good guy, try and find another solution. It’s not really in your daughters’ interests for you to separate (I mention this only because it appears to be concern for them that has driven you to a tipping point.)

You can’t force your values on someone else but you can have a calm conversation about trafficking and ask him to direct himself to ethical porn sources (I don’t know a lot about them but they do exist) where the performers should be properly monitored.

Original poster
itcouldwork · 19/02/2023 00:05

@Ruthy45 I am only now trying to work through this. Been with my partner for 2 years. I think it's an ingrained habit for him, though he never mentions it, he's honest that he does watch it. Only 'normal' stuff and he's a very respectful man with me and my family. I couldn't ask for more.

OP posts:
Original poster
itcouldwork · 19/02/2023 00:08

@Luredbyapomegranate I would definitely be happier if there was an ethical porn site that could be trusted to be consentual.

OP posts:
FOJN · 19/02/2023 00:09

The word consent is stretched to the limits of its meaning and beyond in porn. Actresses may agree to very specific sex act but when they arrive for filming the director will push her to do things she did not agree to, it's a well recognised strategy in the industry. If the filming isn't completed then no one gets paid so there is pressure on actresses to comply with demands so that her colleagues are not denied pay.

Gail Dines has written a book called Pornland which exposes all of this and discusses in detail how violence in porn has increased in recent years.

This is a talk by Gail Dines which discusses some of the issues around porn.

Ceilingplaits · 19/02/2023 00:10

I wouldn't enter a relationship with someone who watched porn as getting off on objectifying women seems very frightening and disturbing behaviour to me.

I know there is porn aimed at being feminist, but I wouldn't enter a relationship with someone who got off on looking at other women anyway even if I were certain that the patriarchy-free women in question felt well-renumerated for their efforts.

Openmindedbloke · 19/02/2023 00:13

I use porn regularly, but i don’t talk about it with my partner, out of respect. She has in the past also used porn. She doesn’t ask me about the porn i use and I don’t ask her it’s just a private thing we both do.
i think if I talked about it all the time it would upset her. Could your partner and you keep that part of your relationship private? Then it might not bother you as much?

Original poster
itcouldwork · 19/02/2023 00:13

@DelphiniumBlue I have talked about trafficking. I think you could be right about wanting to keep a clear conscience. 😒
He's the kind of guy who'd do anything for anyone. Just perfect in every other way. So many men watch porn, I think I've just accepted it silently in the past.

OP posts:
Ceilingplaits · 19/02/2023 00:15

If you're able to talk about your concerns with your partner and he's willing to listen and cares about your concerns, that would be a good step. Perhaps read about and research the subject, see what facts and figures there are and what you feel about those, so you can feel surer of your own views and decide what your own boundaries are first. Also, that way you can think about what different responses from your partner would mean to you.

Spiderboy · 19/02/2023 00:18

We’re all allowed boundaries. If porn use is a boundary for you and you have expressed that and he is crossing the line, then he does not respect you or your relationship or maybe you’re just not a good fit

AnotherDelphinium · 19/02/2023 00:18

If it’s genuinely the consent issue, then encourage him to watch more girl-girl, and preferable on sites like onlyfans or other paying sites which make/purchase their own content.

It’s doesn’t negate it 100% but it significantly reduces the chance of it being someone trafficked/non-consensual etc.

Original poster
itcouldwork · 19/02/2023 00:20

@Openmindedbloke he would never talk about it. He's just honest when I've asked.
He does respect my view.
But, for example, there have been cases of underage, vulnerable girls trafficked and therefore he, you and millions of others have gained entertainment of that poor girls multiple rape.
That's what I find difficult. It's like I opened the box of truth and wish I hadn't.

OP posts:
VirtualRealitee · 19/02/2023 00:21

GoodyAddams · 18/02/2023 23:56

You can end a relationship for whatever reason you see fit.

MN is polarised on porn. So you'll have a 50/50 split of posters agreeing with you and those who think you're ridiculous.

It's your relationship. You get decide what boundaries are important to you and which things you can overlook. You don't need permission from the Internet.

Very well said

Openmindedbloke · 19/02/2023 00:39

itcouldwork · 19/02/2023 00:20

@Openmindedbloke he would never talk about it. He's just honest when I've asked.
He does respect my view.
But, for example, there have been cases of underage, vulnerable girls trafficked and therefore he, you and millions of others have gained entertainment of that poor girls multiple rape.
That's what I find difficult. It's like I opened the box of truth and wish I hadn't.

Fair enough,
Fwiw, there are lots of industries that exploit people like the clothes industry, the drug industry, some foods that are imported, crypto, banking in general. Some of these have cases of human trafficking. IMO it’s reasonable that people make sensible choices about what they do/use so they arnt supported too much, but we’re all human and for me, it’s more of a ‘live and let live’ kind of vibe.

CountZacular · 19/02/2023 00:48

Openmindedbloke · 19/02/2023 00:39

Fair enough,
Fwiw, there are lots of industries that exploit people like the clothes industry, the drug industry, some foods that are imported, crypto, banking in general. Some of these have cases of human trafficking. IMO it’s reasonable that people make sensible choices about what they do/use so they arnt supported too much, but we’re all human and for me, it’s more of a ‘live and let live’ kind of vibe.

Show quote history

I find this a really odd mentality. Yes, there’s lots of trafficking in the world but some things are difficult to bypass. I can’t not buy clothes and unfortunately that some times means buying what’s avoidable, for example.

But a live and let live attitude on something that knowingly has coercion, rape and trafficking which is entirely avoidable is so odd to me. The worst thing about porn is there’s no way to know if you are watching rape but if you regularly watch porn from unverified ethical sites then you absolutely have watched (and orgasmed) to a woman who is being coerced or raped at some point. Does that not make you feel anything?

CountZacular · 19/02/2023 00:48

Affordable*

greenspaces4peace · 19/02/2023 00:52

@Openmindedbloke working in a factory (even if the conditions are poor compared to western standards) is in no way equitable to having an exaggerated penis rammed down your throat, in your vagina or anus.
nor is being a teller at a bank.
i cant even believe you think sex work is comparable to harvesting avocado's.
it's definitely more on par with illicit drug use in the home exposing your children to heroin.
next time you speak to HR please do ask if sex work looks fine on a resume vs barkleys.

Openmindedbloke · 19/02/2023 01:07

yeah It’s reasonable to do whatever you can to make sure what you are watching isn’t anything sketchy. On some sites the actresses have profiles and it’s them themselves that upload content and people can donate directly to them to ‘cut out the middle man’
i think it’s ok to seek pleasure out of content others are happy to submit. We all have needs and for many actresses this is their living.

Openmindedbloke · 19/02/2023 01:10

greenspaces4peace · 19/02/2023 00:52

@Openmindedbloke working in a factory (even if the conditions are poor compared to western standards) is in no way equitable to having an exaggerated penis rammed down your throat, in your vagina or anus.
nor is being a teller at a bank.
i cant even believe you think sex work is comparable to harvesting avocado's.
it's definitely more on par with illicit drug use in the home exposing your children to heroin.
next time you speak to HR please do ask if sex work looks fine on a resume vs barkleys.

It’s a spectrum isn’t it. No it’s obviously not the same thing as working in a bank. But the drug industry does have a lot of trafficking and most people don’t even blink taking a line of Coke at the weekend or a joint after work on a Friday.

Openmindedbloke · 19/02/2023 01:42

Maybe a compromise for you OP could be for him to use Anime porn? Would you feel the same if he did that? There can’t be any moral issue with coercing or trafficking with that!