To invite my Mum round

[Letsgetreadybaby]

So me and the DCs always go to watch our football team together in the ground with my Mum. Husband also goes but sits with his friends. This was because he refused to move his seat to sit with us.
Tomorrow our team are on the TV and my Mum is by herself watching it. Me and husband and kids will be watching at home. Husband doesn't like my Mum but I would like to ask her round to watch it, kids adore her too so would love Grandma to come round.
Am I being unreasonable to ask her to come round even when i know he wouldn't like it?

My mum was an alcoholic, she used to beat me up and not only did not get food in or make meals, she used to be annoyed if I managed to get food from anywhere else. She had dodgy men hanging around the house a couple of them
were more interested in me than her, one of them spent 5 years in prison because of this. She left me altogether when I was 14, I didn’t see her again until I was 19 then started to visit. My husband never showed her anything but respect, he would pay for things for her house and do a 200 mile round trip to take her home from our house. I absolutely wouldn’t put up with this utter crap from your husband, I wouldn’t entertain it and if he carried on trying to make life difficult I would show him which relationship is more important, that’s what he’s asking you to do after all.

Yeah but....
Most MNers posts are vile about MILS and lovely to their own Mums. I would like to see a campaign on MN where all mothers, MILS and Mums are treated with respect and kindness. It is vanishingly rare on here to read a post from women who treat their MILS with the same respect and welcoming attitude that they use with their own parents.

@NaoiseNOTnoise with the greatest of respect, you really should stop posting on this thread! I'm not saying you're right or wrong, but it seems like the OP could be in an abusive marriage and she will need advice and support. Whether her husband likes or dislikes her mother, the other points she has raised sound quite dubious, so for you to be calling her gaslighting and abusive is probably a little dangerous.

You don’t understand what gaslighting means. It is not just trivialising someone’s emotions.
He isn’t entitled to bar his wife’s mother from their home solely on the basis of his jealousy of their relationship. It is bonkers that you are trying to defend this in any way. You are trying to rationalise a totally irrational response.

Hold on a minute ... when you go on a family football outing, he refuses to sit with you.
When you want to go & see your mum, he won;t "allow" the kids to go with you to see their grandma.
When you want to invite your mum over, he makes it clear that he's unhappy about it, so you don;t bother, just to keep the peace.

Why are you with this knob of a man?

You are a grown woman. How is it that a grown woman cannot ask her own mother to her own house? Why is a grown woman afraid of her husband's reaction?

What other disturbing things are happening in your relationship, OP? This will only be the tip of the iceberg I suspect.

You need to do the Freedom Program @NaoiseNOTnoise . Seriously, you are potentially in danger because your boundaries are all over the place and you do not see it.

In fact most MNers are uniformly unwelcoming to any females on their partners side.
A very different set of responses on another current thread but this time about a man wanting his daughter to stay in the family house while the family are on holiday and his wife is refusing.
So many posters agreeing that they don't like anyone else in their space. Very very different to this thread. It does seem to be about double standards on MN

AIBU not wanting SD to stay in house while we are away http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/4745797-aibu-not-wanting-sd-to-stay-in-house-while-we-are-away

Oh don't be bloody ridiculous.

The man you're falling over yourself to defend with hyperbolic declarations won't allow OP to take her kids to her mum's house. The kids who love their grandma, & wish she could visit them at home.

He's a controlling bellend who makes everybody's life a misery because he refuses to get along with his MiL. If he disliked her so much he can;t be in the same room as her, he shouldn't have married OP. If there's any abuse going on here, it's from him. He sounds controlling & like he's already using isolating tactics.

OP - are you "allowed" to have friends round?
Go out of your own?
Do you work?

Well that's a bit of a reach considering you only have one persons point of view but yea I totally wouldn't rule out anything. I don't agree with his behaviour, I don't understand his behaviour from what little information there is.

My main angle is, a marriage is husband and wife, devoted to each other, the good and the bad. He does not like this person in his home, so she shouldn't be brought there against his wishes.

As other insightful people have already said, do it anyway and he can take himself off and do what he likes, and sooner or later he will do. No way would I tolerate my partner bringing someone into my home when they know I don't want them there. See ya later, divorce, half the house, shared time with the children, and get someone that values her wishes, and he can get someone that values his wishes.

To me that's crazy because you value having your mother in your husbands home against his wishes instead of meeting elsewhere.

@NaoiseNOTnoise also needs to go & read the definistion of gaslighting, because s/he clearly doesn't understand the concept.

Ate you genuinely not able to see the difference between a messy teen-cum-33-year-old staying on her own in that OP's house for 4 weeks, & this OP's mum visiting for a few hours when everyone's home to host her?

Clearly there are bigger issues here than just watching the match, but I am staggered that only 5% of people think YABU here.

You, your dh and your dc all support the same team and they are on the TV tomorrow. It is a rare chance to watch the game altogether as your family, as he normally sits elsewhere from you, so that should be it, on the face of it.
He doesn't get on with your Mum, so why spoil that family afternoon by creating tension.
Why are people suggesting he goes out of his own home ?
Why can't OP's Mum either watch it on her own, go to the pub, or round to a friend's house ?
Why is the OP's desire to have her Mum next to her greater than the OP's SH's desire not to have her in his house ?

We've got no idea why they don't get on - people are projecting here, as so often happens. It may well be because the dh is horrendous, but it might also be because his MiL is horrendous. The dh isn't stopping her seeing her Mum, or inviting her round at other times, he is wanting to watch the match, in his own home, with his own dc.

I am embarrassed for you. The only correlation in the facts between this thread and the one you have posted is that a house and a woman are involved are involved in both.
This thread - controlling husband won’t allow mother in law in family home because he is jealous of the relationship she has with his wife and children.
The other thread - irresponsible and messy 33 year old step daughter wants to stay in our house for a month whilst we are out of country and I am uncomfortable with it.
In what way do you think there is any significant overlap between the circumstances of these scenarios that mean you can compare them as if they are like for like???? 🤯🤯🤯 MRAs don’t appear to be that bright…

He didn't marry the MIL. He married her daughter and wheather you like it or not, his wishes rank higher with his wife than her mothers do. Especially with his children and his home. He wants to watch the football with his children, in his own home without his mother in law.

Again, it may indeed be abusive from him towards OP, hopefully not, I don't know, just as no one here knows his reasoning for not liking his MIL. Its all guesswork in that regard. But the facts are, its his home, its his children, nothing happens to them, with them, whatever the case may be, if he doesn't agree to it.

Pick another day, pick another event you are only the mother in law.

I wouldn’t invite her round because I wouldn’t want to expose her to such a nasty situation and such a nasty man. I’m sure she’ll be much happier in the comfort and pleasantness of her own home than in the same room as him. As might you, in time. And the children.

If your DP can’t be in the same room as your DM watching the team you all support play a match on TV, then things really are dicey. He doesn’t even need to interact.

Honestly, he sounds like a twat. Do not let him distance you from your mother.

Its obviously more complicated than you currently comprehend.

Pot, kettle, etc., honestly you are not using that term correctly. Do a bit more reading, you don’t have a full understanding of the term and it’s uses

Invite your mum. End of.

It is your home too, he doesn’t get to call all the decisions does he?

You only have one mum.

Your dh sounds like a dick, he is replaceable. Your mum is not…

So are you restricting the use of the term of gas lighting and saying the trivialisation of someone feelings is not gaslighting, de facto telling them their feeling are not valid enough the be taking into consideration?

The best way to stop a goady fucker derailing a thread and diverting attention away from the needs of the OP, is to respond to the OP, not the goady fucker.

Massive, massive red flags here OP, and ai think enough PP have written what they are so I don’t need to repeat.

Oxford English Dictionary definition- gaslighting - transitive. To manipulate (a person) by psychological means into questioning his or her own sanity.

It seems pretty likely your mum won't even want to come if she knows that your DH doesn't want her there. He sounds awful