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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To invite my Mum round

101 replies

Letsgetreadybaby · 18/02/2023 21:44

So me and the DCs always go to watch our football team together in the ground with my Mum. Husband also goes but sits with his friends. This was because he refused to move his seat to sit with us.
Tomorrow our team are on the TV and my Mum is by herself watching it. Me and husband and kids will be watching at home. Husband doesn't like my Mum but I would like to ask her round to watch it, kids adore her too so would love Grandma to come round.
Am I being unreasonable to ask her to come round even when i know he wouldn't like it?

OP posts:
5128gap · 18/02/2023 22:30

NaoiseNOTnoise · 18/02/2023 22:25

Why would you invite someone to your husbands home rather you know he does not want in his home?

You can't force someone to like another person because it's convenient for you, no matter the relationship.

Why would you not invite your own mother to your home when you want her there?

sweeneytoddsrazor · 18/02/2023 22:35

You should be able to see your mother whenever you want to with your children. You cannot force your DH to like her or want her in his house. But it's your house as well so you should be able to invite her but maybe better to do it when he isn't around.
I suspect if you didn't like DH mum, you would be told he should go to visit her if he wants to see her.

ThreeLittleDots · 18/02/2023 22:44

he would say the kids can't go too

PARDON?!! He's not the boss of you. Are you scared of him?

dammiejodger · 18/02/2023 22:46

OP, have you posted about them before? Sounds familiar.

He's an idiot.

NaoiseNOTnoise · 18/02/2023 22:46

Because when you are married, it's not just your house. Go out and socialise all you like, with whoever you like but wife's and husbands should not be bringing people into their house that their significant other does not like.

Its a form of gaslighting and psychological abuse. To deliberately go against your wife's or husbands wishes to invite someone into the only safe space they have is a special kind of attack.

AlmostSummer21 · 18/02/2023 22:51

NaoiseNOTnoise · 18/02/2023 22:46

Because when you are married, it's not just your house. Go out and socialise all you like, with whoever you like but wife's and husbands should not be bringing people into their house that their significant other does not like.

Its a form of gaslighting and psychological abuse. To deliberately go against your wife's or husbands wishes to invite someone into the only safe space they have is a special kind of attack.

@NaoiseNOTnoise

youre talking utter crap AND using 'gaslighting' incorrectly.

NaoiseNOTnoise · 18/02/2023 22:51

I have sympathy for your position and feel for your mother and children. But that's his home aswell as yours, his rights don't trump yours and your rights don't trump him, if there is no agreement she shouldn't visit when he's there if they are on such bad terms. There are other places to meet. I do think he is being selfish and I can o ly imagine the resentment but bringing your mum over against his wishes would be a nogo if I was in your shoes until they are on better terms.

junebirthdaygirl · 18/02/2023 22:52

The only reason l wouldn't invite her is if she was going to talk all through the match as we would all hate that. But she sounds like a genuine fan so it will be nice for her to be in company cheering on the team. Do ask her.
It's not like she is over everyday annoying your dh. Do his family ever come around?

Mumof3premies · 18/02/2023 22:53

He sounds extremely controlling of I’m honest, my mum comes round at least 3 nights a week for tea and she stays a few hours, my husband doesn’t say a word most the time he finds it as a good excuse to go on his play station 😂😂 extreamly strange that your children wouldn’t be allowed to go, you shouldn’t need permission to take both of your children to see their grandma

AlmostSummer21 · 18/02/2023 22:53

@Letsgetreadybaby

You need to leave this controlling wanker.

you and the kids would be much happier!

but tomorrow, just tell him your Mum is coming around & if he cannot behave himself he's free to go out with his footie mates to watch the match.

NaoiseNOTnoise · 18/02/2023 22:54

You're argument is crap...

If she brings round her mother round to the house ignoring his wishes and downplaying his feelings like he is in the wrong to be feeling this way is text book gaslighting.

Mumof3premies · 18/02/2023 22:54

Seriously??

the only one showing emotional abuse is him?
many shouldn’t her mum come to BOTH OF THEIR house

NaoiseNOTnoise · 18/02/2023 23:04

Mumof3premies · 18/02/2023 22:54

Seriously??

the only one showing emotional abuse is him?
many shouldn’t her mum come to BOTH OF THEIR house

So if the shoes was on the other foot, she should have to put up with him bringing people into her home she has made clear in no uncertain terms that she does not want in there? I'm not saying its fair, but if there is no agreement that the husband would tolerate the mother in law, then she shouldn't be round the house, with him there and he shouldn't be made to leave to make the mother in law comfortable.

Eyerollcentral · 18/02/2023 23:06

Letsgetreadybaby · 18/02/2023 21:59

No real reason just jealous of how close me and the kids are to her!

Biggest red flag ever surely you realise this. Get your mum round if he doesn’t like it he can go out

Mumof3premies · 18/02/2023 23:08

If it was his mum yea if she was that uncomfortable at the woman who made him coming round to see her child and grandchild then yes she should leave so they can spend time together! What he is doing is controlling and abusive.

Fixed · 18/02/2023 23:09

Do people really have such low standards for themselves? Can't believe what I'm reading.

AdoraBell · 18/02/2023 23:09

Invite your mother in he can fuck off. Hope you and DC enjoy the day with your DM.

Mumof3premies · 18/02/2023 23:12

My biggest concern reading the post is that he doesn’t like your mum or even that he doesn’t want her in the house OR EVEN that he doesn’t like her because you are to close- the biggest red flag for me was you saying that you wouldn’t be ALLOWED to take your own children to see their grandmother because their father is a manipulative immature idiot!!

Eyerollcentral · 18/02/2023 23:13

NaoiseNOTnoise · 18/02/2023 22:54

You're argument is crap...

If she brings round her mother round to the house ignoring his wishes and downplaying his feelings like he is in the wrong to be feeling this way is text book gaslighting.

That is not what gaslighting is. The Op isn’t saying to him but you really do like my mother you said last night it was fine, that might qualify as gaslighting. Her husband is a controlling man who is jealous that his wife and kids are close to his mother in law. That is deeply abnormal as is your belief he is the wronged party here.

Mumof3premies · 18/02/2023 23:14

Eyerollcentral
I completely agree

Cornishclio · 18/02/2023 23:15

Yes invite her. He sounds very controlling and if he is jealous of your close relationship that is very damaging. Controlling and abusive husbands or wives try and push all other relationships away. He can go out if he does not want to see her but it is your house too.

catandcoffee · 18/02/2023 23:17

So your Mum has never done anything to your husband ?

He just hates the fact you and the children are really close to her.

If that's the true fact how can you be with him ?

YesitsBess · 18/02/2023 23:17

Is it being shown at the pub?

There's a lot to unpack generally and a lot of pp's are doing a great job of unpacking it. But in the short term, can you and the kids and your mum go and enjoy the game at the pub, then we can start to unpack why he is being a massive poopoo-head.

HurryUpLighterNights · 18/02/2023 23:18

Abba123 · 18/02/2023 22:05

Yes and no.

It’s his house and he should be able to sit home and watch the game in peace.

You should go and watch it with your mum though so maybe go around to her place?

It’s his house

Good grief no it’s not ‘his’ house! He lives in the house but it’s not ‘his’ FFS! He’s certainly not king of his home!

OP I feel sorry for your mum tbh! I wouldn’t be putting up with a jealous man child.

NaoiseNOTnoise · 18/02/2023 23:20

Eyerollcentral · 18/02/2023 23:13

That is not what gaslighting is. The Op isn’t saying to him but you really do like my mother you said last night it was fine, that might qualify as gaslighting. Her husband is a controlling man who is jealous that his wife and kids are close to his mother in law. That is deeply abnormal as is your belief he is the wronged party here.

Show quote history

I didnt say he was in the right, but his views should be respected that someone he does not like does not come into his home. At best I think he should discuss his feelings and have some professional input to resolve issues in this relationship and at worst he should volunteer to take himself out of the house while she visits. However, he should not be over ridden.

His feelings are being trivialised if his partner brings people into his house when already knowing they are not welcome is gaslighting.