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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ununvite kid from party

63 replies

N1kG · 18/02/2023 19:01

My son is coming up 4. He is the sweetest kid but has some development delays that mark him out as different. In particular his speech and his social skills are behind his peers.
Now, I am aware that kids do not like one another for many arbitrary reasons and you can't make them be friends. But, there is a little boy in my son's pre school who he adores - calls him his best friend. But, the kid doesn't feel the same. In fact, we were at a party today and he said he doesn't like my son and told other kids not to play with him. My son was very upset and it was heart breaking.
I've known the mother since we were pregnant so this kid is invited to my son's party. But, I don't want the same thing to happen at his own birthday. He will likely struggle his whole life with being different and he's an obvious bully target. But, this one day a year is all about him and all the other kids are very kind usually.
So, would I be unreasonable to just uninvite the mean kid? Is that horrible? He's only 4 as well, and being mean back is super immature. But my son's little face when everyone ran away from him was just the worst and while he'll have to work out how to manage this stuff in real life, it doesn't seem fair to teach him that lesson on his birthday. Would a quiet word with the mum be better, to see if she can convince the kid to be nice for a day?

OP posts:
UserNameSameGame · 18/02/2023 19:04

Definitely speak to the mum and explain your concerns, pretty much exactly as you have on here.

DramaLlama20 · 18/02/2023 19:06

YANBU I've not invited a particular girl to my daughters party for a similar reason. It's not a whole class party and I'm just excluding her so it won't be obvious but fuck having someone like that there.

Comedycook · 18/02/2023 19:08

When I read your thread title I thought no you can't ever uninvite a child but I changed my mind after reading your post. Uninvite him...not sure how you'd do that though...

TheSnowyOwl · 18/02/2023 19:09

It depends. Have you actually invited him and now you are going to tell him mum that he can’t come or are you just not going to invite him to the party? The former is not acceptable but I would tell the child at the start of the party whose birthday it is and to be kind.

C4ou56 · 18/02/2023 19:12

If it isn’t a whole class party I’d uninvited and explain to the mum why. As long as you word it tactfully any reasonable mum would understand your reasoning

Marblessolveeverything · 18/02/2023 19:16

If your son is 4 I am assuming the other child is 3 or 4? They are still learning so I would mention it to the mother.

Children of this age can at times notice differences and not behave appropriately but with some direction be successful. I have seen several times with a family member who has learning and development delays and more times than not it has worked out most children are typically fine. I hope the same happens for your son.

drpet49 · 18/02/2023 19:18

DramaLlama20 · 18/02/2023 19:06

YANBU I've not invited a particular girl to my daughters party for a similar reason. It's not a whole class party and I'm just excluding her so it won't be obvious but fuck having someone like that there.

This. I wouldn’t invite him either.

AFP10 · 18/02/2023 19:19

As you say kids friendships come and go, plus your son clearly holds this lad as a best friend. Their paths will always cross and this then sets a precedent for your son not being invited (tit for tat I know but that's how it usually goes). I think speak to the Mum, may be ask her advice on how you can both handle this, then she won't feel "attacked" or defensive.

All that said, my heart broke when I read your post so sending best wishes to you. Horrid situation to be in.

themimi · 18/02/2023 19:21

These kids are 3 - they aren't capable of empathy really. Ignore but sensitively mention to his mother. At a birthday party, tour DS will be the main attraction and everyone will want to play with him.

Daffodil18 · 18/02/2023 19:23

So do you think this Kid and his mum will be kind at preschool after you uninvite them? This will only make the situation worse. I would speak with preschool and tell them to intervene. They aren’t biased towards either child and will ensure the other kid knows it is wrong. He’s 4 so will listen to a teacher.

Somanyquestionstoaskaboutthis · 18/02/2023 19:25

Was the boys mum there and saw this happen? If so her reaction would guide me what to do if I was you. If not I would tell her what happened and your concerns about your ds party. She may well be just as upset at her son’s behaviour as you were.

Starseeed · 18/02/2023 19:25

It might actually be good to have the kid there so that if you see him being mean you can call him out on it.

Eg ‘that’s not kind, we don’t talk to each other like that, let’s include everyone’ etc.

It’s not a disaster for people to be mean to you in life, but it is very difficult if you don’t learn to roll with it and keep yourself safe from it. So if you model good behaviour, make it verbally clear what is and isn’t okay etc it teaches the kids how to behave, how to stand up for themselves in an assertive way etc.

Avoiding the situation by uninviting the kid just teaches your kid that it’s okay to be mean back.

StressedToTheMaxxx · 18/02/2023 19:26

I wouldn't give a shit what anyone thought. You bully my kid and you're not coming to the party. Id also be having a polite word with the mum.

lochmaree · 18/02/2023 19:30

I didnt invite my closest mum friends kids to my 3yo birthday party (which was tiny) because her eldest can be quite aggressive and my DS goes quiet and reserved around her so I didn't think that was fair on him. I would speak to the mum and explain, try and get her feel for it, she may well say its OK and she's fine for her DS to be uninvited.

TaRaDeBumDeAy · 18/02/2023 19:30

TheSnowyOwl · 18/02/2023 19:09

It depends. Have you actually invited him and now you are going to tell him mum that he can’t come or are you just not going to invite him to the party? The former is not acceptable but I would tell the child at the start of the party whose birthday it is and to be kind.

I don't think it's unacceptable. The kid said he doesn't like op's ds and doesn't want to play with him. Why would he want to go to his party?

I'd uninvite by telling the mother what's gone on and that it's best he doesn't come to the party of someone he doesn't like.

CorsicaDreaming · 18/02/2023 19:37

As you know the mum well, could you explain to her the issue and suggest that you do something just the four of you so the child isn't completely excluded but isn't at the party itself.

As you say, your own son really likes the other child, Perhaps they get on well when it is just the two of them, but it is in a group that the other child starts to be mean because of a different dynamic in that set up?

Original poster
N1kG · 18/02/2023 19:53

Thanks all. I'm struggling with this as the mother was there, was aware of the situation and didn't do anything. And I didn't expect her to - she isn't the sort of parent that would censor that behaviour. I don't want to cause a storm in a teacup and I believe children have to learn resilience but his behaviour was bullying, even if he didn't understand the impact. He ought to be taught that.
I think I'm going to have a word with her this week and let her know that I'll be keeping a close eye on it on Sunday. My son will absolutely want to play with her son on the day so if she can just ask him to run about with him for a bit that's all it will take to make him happy. And, if this kid can't manage that, then perhaps they shouldn't come along. It's not ideal, but I'm my son's advocate and this needs nipping in the bud.

OP posts:
labamba007 · 18/02/2023 19:55

As mum didn't do anything I would say you have the right to unitive him. If the boy's mum had taken him to one side and explained that that isn't nice behaviour I would be in favour of inviting him because you'd know his mum would act on it if he started to be mean. So uninvite I think. Although I am surprised his mum didn't do anything it would be something I would pull my 4 year old up on!

AnneLovesGilbert · 18/02/2023 19:57

she isn't the sort of parent that would censor that behaviour

Then she’s not the sort of person I’d want around my child.

I’d tell her the boys no longer seem to get on as her son was mean to yours so it’s best he doesn’t come to the party.

ReadersD1gest · 18/02/2023 19:58

N1kG · 18/02/2023 19:53

Thanks all. I'm struggling with this as the mother was there, was aware of the situation and didn't do anything. And I didn't expect her to - she isn't the sort of parent that would censor that behaviour. I don't want to cause a storm in a teacup and I believe children have to learn resilience but his behaviour was bullying, even if he didn't understand the impact. He ought to be taught that.
I think I'm going to have a word with her this week and let her know that I'll be keeping a close eye on it on Sunday. My son will absolutely want to play with her son on the day so if she can just ask him to run about with him for a bit that's all it will take to make him happy. And, if this kid can't manage that, then perhaps they shouldn't come along. It's not ideal, but I'm my son's advocate and this needs nipping in the bud.

Well, if you both sat and watched that behaviour with her feeling no need to intervene, and you not asking her to; I doubt the party will go well.

Dillydollydingdong · 18/02/2023 20:02

When my ds was just little, we had his birthday party and one of the other boys hit him in the mouth and gave him a fat lip. I sent him home. His mother came round later and I thought she was going to apologize. She had come to complain - so she got sent home with a chewed ear!

Hankunamatata · 18/02/2023 20:03

I have nd kids. It's hard. One of my kids has a tendency to smother another child if he likes them. He wants to play with them and only them, calls them best friend even when they don't feel the same. Iv had to teach him boundaries and constantly gone over what ages a good friend and how friendship works both ways.
I found structured parties the best then he was 4. So lots of adult led games and engagement. If you keep them busy the whole party then don't tend to get the situation where child is left out. You need quite a few adults but I found it worked well with my nd children.

TeenLifeMum · 18/02/2023 20:03

I’d just say “your ds has made it clear he doesn’t like ds so I’m assuming he won’t want to come to his party. No hard feelings though, I completely understand and don’t want him
to feel he has to come.”

the fact the parents did nothing would cement the decision for me.

Hankunamatata · 18/02/2023 20:04

Are you inviting the whole pre school class and uninviting this one child?

Bemyclementine · 18/02/2023 20:05

Ds1 (7) has a similar "friend" who he adores. I'm friends with the mum,but the boy is really quite unpleasant to my son. It's heartbreaking really even my son idolises him.

If you feel able to have the conversation with his mum then do. I hope she understands

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