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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ununvite kid from party

63 replies

N1kG · 18/02/2023 19:01

My son is coming up 4. He is the sweetest kid but has some development delays that mark him out as different. In particular his speech and his social skills are behind his peers.
Now, I am aware that kids do not like one another for many arbitrary reasons and you can't make them be friends. But, there is a little boy in my son's pre school who he adores - calls him his best friend. But, the kid doesn't feel the same. In fact, we were at a party today and he said he doesn't like my son and told other kids not to play with him. My son was very upset and it was heart breaking.
I've known the mother since we were pregnant so this kid is invited to my son's party. But, I don't want the same thing to happen at his own birthday. He will likely struggle his whole life with being different and he's an obvious bully target. But, this one day a year is all about him and all the other kids are very kind usually.
So, would I be unreasonable to just uninvite the mean kid? Is that horrible? He's only 4 as well, and being mean back is super immature. But my son's little face when everyone ran away from him was just the worst and while he'll have to work out how to manage this stuff in real life, it doesn't seem fair to teach him that lesson on his birthday. Would a quiet word with the mum be better, to see if she can convince the kid to be nice for a day?

OP posts:
HeckyPeck · 18/02/2023 20:06

I would message the other mum something like:

"Hi BullyMumName, as you know, Bully told DS he didn't want to be friends with him anymore so it is best that he doesn't come to the party on Sunday. Best wishes, OP"

If she replies to argue or say Bully wants to come, I'd add:

"I understand that Bully wants to come, but he was also encouraging other children not to play with DS which really upset him so sadly we do have to uninvite Bully."

Dinneronmybfpillow · 18/02/2023 20:07

I was about to say how mortified I would be if someone told me DD had done this to a peer (she's only 4 and her whole gang of friends are already talking about 'best friends' but you still don't like to think of them being deliberately mean) but then I saw your post saying the mum saw it and did nothing. Grim.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 18/02/2023 20:07

Your son is lucky to have such a loving and thoughtful mother! He sounds like a sweet little boy.

honestlyno · 18/02/2023 20:19

At that age kids flit between friends; like some one minute and others the next. I would not un-invite. You'd be creating a solid divide over something that could be a momentary whim on the other kids part. I get how sensitive you are to it, I was the same, but they are still so little. Different if you wanted to not invite but to uninvite is too big a deal at their ages. Keep an eye out at the party and say something then, if you need to.

OhhhhhhhhBiscuits · 18/02/2023 20:24

I was going to name change for this as it could be outing but fuck it the parents should be ashamed!

My child started at a school and I had concerns by October half term. Her birthday is late winter and we invited 14 "friends". 2 from her nursery the rest from her class. It was the worst thing we ever did, I wish I had set fire to the money as she would have had more enjoyment from it. The ones from nursery, amazing and lovely. The rest from her class completely ignored her, refused to sit next to her for the food and then all ran off after food and ignored her again. I was in tears seeing it. I said to the parents it's a shame they couldn't play together and the parents said well they don't want to play with her, when I asked why they had bothered coming they didn't have an answer. It was that day the decision was made to move her school and we moved her within 2 weeks. She has never looked back and has had an amazing time and birthdays since. My meandering point is trust your instincts and as awkward as it will be, do not let your son have a shit birthday. It is heartbreaking to watch. This woman needs to start parenting as her child should know it is not nice to do this to other children. Maybe say as your son isn't friends with my son maybe it would be better if he doesn't attend. Then she can see its her child's behaviour has caused it.

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 18/02/2023 20:25

Be careful. This could backfire and you don’t want to risk no one coming. Talk to her sure and definitely to the school.

MoreSleepPleasee · 18/02/2023 20:26

That child would be uninvited 100%. Just tell the mum what happened and say you don't want him coming to the party

Swimswam · 18/02/2023 20:31

Off topic. But if you have the funds for private speech therapy please do that.
Also had a DS with speech delay and other issues. SALT made such a difference- they can do so many things including how to have conversations and understanding when another child is being nice or not - something my DS really struggled with. Helps with self esteem.
If you can afford it then it is an intervention that is really worth the cost.

7eleven · 18/02/2023 20:34

I completely understand how upsetting that was for your son and you, but I think I’d be a bit careful about your reaction.

Was this a one off, or does it happen often? Bullying is usually defined as repeated behaviour.

If it was a one off I think I’d be inclined to have a word with the other mum, saying how much your son likes hers and would she ask him to make a special effort to play with him at his party.

A big part of me would want to rip his head off, but sometimes a more reserved response works best in the long run.

sunflowerdaisyrose · 18/02/2023 20:35

I had similar but for an 8 year old so child should definitely know better. My daughter still wanted her to come so I didn't uninvite her (however much I wanted tk as feel protective over my own child!!)- everyone (including this child) was very nice at the party.

I wouldn't uninvite but I'd keep a close eye on it and wouldn't hesitate to intervene on the party day. If you do you escalate it and make it a big thing.

MadamArcati99 · 18/02/2023 20:40

there is a little boy in my son's pre school who he adores - calls him his best friend. But, the kid doesn't feel the same.

The thing is the other little boy is 4. He may feel suffocated by being constantly pursued by the op's DS and doesnt know how to handle it.

MadamArcati99 · 18/02/2023 20:42

OP could you clarify whether you have already invited this kid. 'Uninvite' would be very socially unacceptable, 'not invite' is fine

blackpearwhitelilies · 18/02/2023 20:42

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 18/02/2023 20:07

Your son is lucky to have such a loving and thoughtful mother! He sounds like a sweet little boy.

I agree with this. This used to happen to my son and the parents did nothing. It hurts so much. He has some nice friends now.

Original poster
N1kG · 18/02/2023 20:42

Thanks. We do private speech therapy every week though we're still working on fundamentals rather than conversations. We have an OT as well, and may bring this up with her as she may have insight. We're sure we'll get there eventually!

OP posts:
MissedItByThisMuch · 18/02/2023 20:46

These are presumably three year olds, who are still learning social behaviour and can’t regulate their emotions or feel true empathy. It’s up to the adults to sort out these situations at this age, so you are proposing to punish the mum through the child. I think it would be unfair and unkind in the extreme to “uninvite” a 3/4 year old, I think you should let him come but correct any unkind behaviour. But clearly I’m in the minority here.

Original poster
N1kG · 18/02/2023 20:47

To clarify; the kid is already invited. The party is next week so everyone has had invites. So, if we did anything it would be to uninvite.
Though I don't think we'll go down that route formally I am going to have another word with the mum. I gently said it looks like the boys aren't getting on today - I didn't want to start an argument at a kids party. I'm going to call and chat this week and say they are welcome but I would like her help to manage it if it happens again. Given the other kid doesn't actually want to come, they may not turn up.

OP posts:
ChangesUsername · 18/02/2023 20:51

I think I'd be more cross/upset that the mum didn't say anything
Just say it's probably not a good idea if he comes considering what you both heard, your poor lad

Original poster
N1kG · 18/02/2023 20:52

I agree. My son can be intense and we are aware that his behaviour can be off putting. I'm not really blaming the other kid for being mean in response. But, I can just let the consequence of that be that my son is treated poorly.

OP posts:
Alwayswonderedwhy · 18/02/2023 20:55

Yanbu. I'd explain what happened to the child's mum if she didn't hear him say it. It will give her the opportunity to talk to her son about his hurtful behaviour too.

MysteryBelle · 18/02/2023 21:14

Absolutely uninvite him after what he said and did to your son. And his mother did nothing. Your son deserves to have only friends at his party, in other words, children and adults who like him and have goodwill toward him. Put them out of your mind and move on from them. And have a great party!

MysteryBelle · 18/02/2023 21:15

Just read your update. You’re so nice. I hope the other mom listens to you and speaks to her son.

Thinkbiglittleone · 18/02/2023 21:35

Yes I think if the mum has just sat and watched this with no intervention the child is obviously not being taught about how to be kind.

Kids will fall out and make up all through nursery, preschool and school, they will have times of being unkind and hopefully reprimanded for it, but use this as an opportunity to place your marking in the sand with her, explain you understand that it is obviously not the child's fault they don't know it's unkind to tell other children to exclude one child, but please can she just keep an extra eye out as it would be heartbreaking for your DS to be excluded on his special day.

It is very frustrating with parents who don't help teach their kids to be kind

honestlyno · 18/02/2023 21:42

MissedItByThisMuch · 18/02/2023 20:46

These are presumably three year olds, who are still learning social behaviour and can’t regulate their emotions or feel true empathy. It’s up to the adults to sort out these situations at this age, so you are proposing to punish the mum through the child. I think it would be unfair and unkind in the extreme to “uninvite” a 3/4 year old, I think you should let him come but correct any unkind behaviour. But clearly I’m in the minority here.

I agree with you.

ASimpleLampoon · 18/02/2023 21:53

yanbu. I would let the mum know she needs to talk to her kid about being kind .

Being accepting of differences is also an important social skill. I dislike the onus on kids who are different to be coached constantly on how not to be bullied while very little effort is made to educate their peers on not being spiteful.

I'm appalled that no adult stepped in to have a word with these kids who ran away from your little boy. My children have been taught never to be bystanders and always include someone who is being left out or who is unwillingly on their own.

Iyjd · 18/02/2023 21:56

N1kG · 18/02/2023 20:52

I agree. My son can be intense and we are aware that his behaviour can be off putting. I'm not really blaming the other kid for being mean in response. But, I can just let the consequence of that be that my son is treated poorly.

Your son can be intense, and that is something he will need to be taught boundaries over and reminded of how to read signals that others give, but the other kid being mean as a response can only be blamed on that kid. If you saw your child being mean to another would you allow it, no matter now annoying the other kid might be.

I would ring the Mum and mention how your child has continued being upset and has expressed concern the same will happen at his party and could she please keep an eye on him with your son and others (paint it as her doing you a favour) if you are distracted so that his birthday isn’t spoilt. That way she might be more alert to it.