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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ununvite kid from party

63 replies

N1kG · 18/02/2023 19:01

My son is coming up 4. He is the sweetest kid but has some development delays that mark him out as different. In particular his speech and his social skills are behind his peers.
Now, I am aware that kids do not like one another for many arbitrary reasons and you can't make them be friends. But, there is a little boy in my son's pre school who he adores - calls him his best friend. But, the kid doesn't feel the same. In fact, we were at a party today and he said he doesn't like my son and told other kids not to play with him. My son was very upset and it was heart breaking.
I've known the mother since we were pregnant so this kid is invited to my son's party. But, I don't want the same thing to happen at his own birthday. He will likely struggle his whole life with being different and he's an obvious bully target. But, this one day a year is all about him and all the other kids are very kind usually.
So, would I be unreasonable to just uninvite the mean kid? Is that horrible? He's only 4 as well, and being mean back is super immature. But my son's little face when everyone ran away from him was just the worst and while he'll have to work out how to manage this stuff in real life, it doesn't seem fair to teach him that lesson on his birthday. Would a quiet word with the mum be better, to see if she can convince the kid to be nice for a day?

OP posts:
JMSA · 18/02/2023 22:01

I would speak to the mum and actually be very firm.

"I noticed at the party today that __ was a bit unkind towards my boy, and was encouraging others to be the same. I'd hate to think of this happening on his actual birthday. Please could you have a word with him prior to the party. Or if you feel it would be best he didn't come, I'd understand."

Maybe it seems a bit harsh, but the truth is I wouldn't fucking care.

Hope your son has a lovely birthday! Smile

Genevie82 · 18/02/2023 22:06

Op I think your right to talk to his mother beforehand and raise the issue of her sons behaviour being unpleasant towards yours rather than an uninvite which may have consequences at school with peers - she needs to take responsibility for her child and guide his behaviour like every other decent parent at parties teaching their children social skills. Be prepared to step in yourself if she doesn’t in a gentle way as you can’t stand by and let other children hurt your DC s feelings like that , it’s just horrible regardless of age . You wouldn't be the last parent she’s going to encounter with an issue with her child’s behaviour I can guarantee !X

Blondeshavemorefun · 18/02/2023 22:10

I think you need to have a chat with mum and say that your ds was upset at the other child’s party due to what her son said

and see what she says

if she slaps it away - the say sorry he can’t come as it’s your sons social day

if she says sorry /will chat to him /didn’t reliese etx - then say obv he is welcome but she needs to keep an eye on him

Abba123 · 18/02/2023 22:15

You’re just creating a self fulfilling prophecy for your son, anticipating him being bullied and alienating him from his peers in a short sighted attempt to protect him.

The solution lies in kids having MORE fun interactions thanks to your son.

Isthisexpected · 18/02/2023 22:18

I would completely understand why my kid was disinvited after telling others not to play with yours. As you say, his birthday isn't a learning opportunity!

GettingItOutThere · 18/02/2023 22:41

heartbreaking this is. I hate it when kids are just mean to each other for no real reason.
I would not blame you for uninviting

But I am the parent that would verbally rip into a mother that did not sort her kid and sit there and watch. i am the same parent who will (and has several time)!, pull kids up straight away for mean behaviour against mine. Until they are older, they need us to fight their corner for them, yes we cant tell them "can you avoid x as they are not very nice to you", but guide them.

SparkyBlue · 19/02/2023 17:33

OP definitely speak to the other parent. Her behaviour was appalling and she needs to know that her son needs to be kinder. If she reacts badly to the conversation then I'd avoid her and she is absolutely not your friend. You do not need people like that in your life. I have a child with additional needs (asd) so I totally understand how you feel

ChickenDhansak82 · 19/02/2023 17:48

The mother of this boy needs to teach her son that this sort of behaviour is unkind.

I wouldn't uninvite him, but I would certainly let her know how her son's behaviour made your son feel at the last party, and ask her to have a word with her son and encourage him to be kind and that it's OK to be different.

OnMyWayToSenility · 19/02/2023 17:50

What we as adults perceive as 'mean' sometimes is kids being young. I'm not saying what he said was right but he's 4!
You've all ready described your child as being intense, which could means lots of things for another 4 yr old. His way of handling it was his way.. but again he's only 4 so I personally wouldn't pay much kind to it.

Let the party go ahead as planned and if anything happens that you don't like, intervene.

You are going to have to spend another 6 years with this mum navigating all sorts of friends ships and milestones.

I'm a teacher of 25 yrs and mum of 2 older boys .

Fixed · 19/02/2023 18:02

I'd speak to the Mum and tell her that you're not prepared to let that happen on his birthday as he was so upset.

PinkSyCo · 19/02/2023 20:13

Oh OP I went from feeling so sad for your little boy and yourself on reading your first post to feeling really angry after reading your second. The other mum doesn’t believe in censoring her DC’s horrible behaviour? What kind of bollocks is this? Teaching her kid right from wrong is her job! I would tell her straight that after her kid’s behaviour towards yours at the last party, and her failure to intervene, you are going to have to ask them not to come to your DS’s party. She won’t lie it but, you never know, your honesty could give her the kick up the arse she needs.

DangerNoodles · 19/02/2023 20:32

It's really awful seeing your DC get treated that way and mothers like her are very annoying, she should have sorted her DC out.

Uninviting a 4 year old from a party is a very extreme reaction though. Does this pre-school feed into the primary school? If so your DS has a good few years with these children and you with thier parents. I would worry uninviting will back fire and you will always be known as the Mum who uninvited a 4 year old and what implications that would have on your DS when it comes to playdates, future parties etc.

If I were you OP I would still invite him but keep a close eye and intervene if necessary.

TaRaDeBumDeAy · 20/02/2023 09:51

Was the party this Sunday @N1kG ? What happend if so?

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