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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Renew Wedding Vows

110 replies

IrritableCowSyndrome · 18/02/2023 16:40

AIBU to not understand why married couples renew their wedding vows?

I know this isn't necessarily the case, but it makes me wonder if one of them has done something wrong in the relationship, so they are trying to start afresh!

OP posts:
Original poster
IrritableCowSyndrome · 18/02/2023 23:04

What's bitter about this?

It's not as if I want to renew them but can't ...

I actually started this thread because my husband suggested we renew our vows as we've a big anniversary coming up.

I really don't want to, although I'm up for a big party or a holiday!

It made me wonder what others thought of vow renewals!

OP posts:
AnuSTart · 18/02/2023 23:23

Now I'm wondering if my DH has had an affair and that was why he sprung a surprise renewal ceremony on me!!!

HeadNorth · 18/02/2023 23:27

I assume affair - renewing because the vows been broken. I don’t know why else you’d do it. After 30 years, our vows haven’t expired- we made them for life, it was explicit in the vows.

TheFireflies · 18/02/2023 23:28

Yesthatismychildsigh · 18/02/2023 16:47

Attention seeking or an affair. Vows don’t expire.

Yes that’s my assumption too. Pointless.

DramaAlpaca · 18/02/2023 23:35

TheFireflies · 18/02/2023 23:28

Yes that’s my assumption too. Pointless.

Show quote history

I agree.

CrackedLookingGlass · 18/02/2023 23:36

Redglitter · 18/02/2023 17:59

My parents did it at their silver wedding. However my Dad arranged it as a surprise for my Mum. The only other people there were my brother & I. The 4 of us went out for dinner afterwards. I dont even think many people knew afterwards.

So it certainly wasn't about attention or wanting presents and neither of them had an affair.

I must admit I do find the ones where its a full on wedding cringey

Yes. I’ve almost always come across it as long-married older couples doing it for significant anniversaries. My ILs did for their 60th wedding anniversary at a church blessing.

I’ve literally only ever come across the notion that it suggests infidelity on Mn.

ReadersD1gest · 18/02/2023 23:36

Yesthatismychildsigh · 18/02/2023 16:47

Attention seeking or an affair. Vows don’t expire.

Exactly.

HyggeTygge · 18/02/2023 23:41

Can understand it if circumstances meant they didn't get the wedding they wanted first time round. Otherwise might wonder if there was an affair or other circs.

I don't know why "still being in love" doesn't come under anniversary parties? If you've been married 30 years and happy and proud of that, surely an anniversary party with some lovely speeches would be appropriate and a way to celebrate with friends and family?

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 19/02/2023 00:15

It's beyond cringeworthy.

One wedding per marriage.

MrsMikeDrop · 19/02/2023 00:32

I found wedding planningal and the wedding itself quite stressful, so I can imagine having a more relaxed event where you can actually enjoy yourself. I think it's quite lovely, can't say I feel so in love myself that I would do it

Original poster
IrritableCowSyndrome · 19/02/2023 00:42

MrsMikeDrop · 19/02/2023 00:32

I found wedding planningal and the wedding itself quite stressful, so I can imagine having a more relaxed event where you can actually enjoy yourself. I think it's quite lovely, can't say I feel so in love myself that I would do it

Now that's surprised me because if it was so stressful, why would you want to do anything similar again?

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 19/02/2023 00:45

I mean it’s fine in principle but it’s a bit much to expect all your family and friends to come along to another special day for the same couple. I think it’s probably something that should be a small ceremony, unless perhaps you eloped the first time or something, and now want the big do you never had.

LadyJ2023 · 19/02/2023 00:50

Ahhh me and hubby were talking about this the other night. We find it odd people who renew. The whole point of marriage and a wedding is your vows and love for each other and in our case hasnt diminished. Renewing always makes me think one has transgressed 🤣

elm26 · 19/02/2023 00:52

My Nan and Grandad renewed their vows on their 40th wedding anniversary.

They were 16 when they got married and there were no affairs, just two people in love who wanted a second celebration with all their loved ones, children and grandchildren.

My Nan wore a cream trouser suit and they had a big party after.

When my Grandad passed away quickly from cancer 5 years later, my Nan was so happy that they had done that.

Why are some people so judgemental?

CurlyhairedAssassin · 19/02/2023 00:58

I wouldn’t necessarily think that there had to have been an affair . But I do think it suggests that something has gone wrong with the original vows. Eg they’d somehow lost the “cherish” bit along the way, nearly split up, and then decided to make a new go of it.

I really hope this doesn’t become a thing to be honest, and take off as fairly mainstream. Because then couples may feel that if they DON’T renew their vows at some point then others will be wondering why they aren’t. Can you imagine the gossip? “Maybe they’re only staying together for the sake of the children” “I reckon they’re on the verge of splitting up.” Etc etc

Marriage is a legal ceremony. to me, a vow renewal is a made up thing and doesn’t really mean anything. It would make more sense to have a divorce ceremony! 😆

BreviloquentBastard · 19/02/2023 01:02

A friend of mine's parents renewed theirs because their original marriage was arranged, and they wanted to have the wedding their way, I thought it was sweet.

I also know a few couples who did it because they barely remember their original wedding days because they were so wrapped up in it all, they just wanted to have a smaller more intimate celebration years later.

I can't imagine being bitter and jaded enough to immediately go "oh someone must be cheating!", what a pitiful outlook on life.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 19/02/2023 01:04

I meant to add, I agree that some simple heartfelt speeches at a ruby wedding anniversary party or something could be quite romantic. You could even exchange rings, or another piece of jewellery or special token. Or have a “first dance”.

that would be cute.

but a renewal of vows. No, they don’t run out.

StClare101 · 19/02/2023 01:15

The only people we know who have done it separated two years later and subsequently divorced very acrimoniously.

We didn’t go as I think vow renewals are odd and we didnt know them well (why on earth did they invite us - I didn’t even have their phone numbers!)

Those who we know went said it was a really odd day and also found themselves wondering why they were invited and why they accepted (flights and accommodation were required).

Weird.

RedAndBlueStripedGolfingUmbrella · 19/02/2023 01:16

I have friends who think like this.
As in, renewing vowa means you must have been cheating 😕
I see it more as you want to reaffirm your love for whatever reason, could be anything

Aprilx · 19/02/2023 01:26

We have thought about it. No affairs, solid marriage. We thought it would be a fun thing to do when we next go to Las Vegas. Nobody else would be there.

paulaparticles · 19/02/2023 01:38

I will be doing it when I'm 10 years married.
My reasons being my 3 children we're at my wedding and my fourth child after 2 previous losses will be able to be a part of the celebration.
We have been through a lot the past 4 years as a family and it's a reason to get dressed up and celebrate and have photos taken and to say we made it through everything life has thrown at us the past few years. Def no affairs. Can't believe the amount of people on here saying people do it cuz of affairs. It's an individual thing. I am so looking forward to mine it will be an amazing and emotional day.

MrsMikeDrop · 19/02/2023 02:29

RedAndBlueStripedGolfingUmbrella · 19/02/2023 01:16

I have friends who think like this.
As in, renewing vowa means you must have been cheating 😕
I see it more as you want to reaffirm your love for whatever reason, could be anything

I agree. I find it so weird so many on here think it's because of an affair ... also it would be a but pointless as obviously the first lot of vows didn't stop it

R0ckets · 19/02/2023 07:55

I agree. I find it so weird so many on here think it's because of an affair ... also it would be a but pointless as obviously the first lot of vows didn't stop it

It's not weird to think it's because of an affair though if you're real life experience reflects that. As many of us who have posted have only experienced a renewal happening because the vows have been broken in some way its a fairly logical conclusion to come to.

Those I know who have chosen to have an event to celebrate a big anniversary have just had a party, they haven't renewed their vows but instead chosen to have a get together to share the milestone with family and friends. If you've only ever experienced renewals in this context then that would be your first thought but if you've only known a renewal to occur if someone has cheated then naturally your assumption is going to be that someone broke a vow.

500thousand · 19/02/2023 07:59

I think it's a bit silly - don't know anyone who has done it, my thoughts do go to affairs but also a bit of attention seeking...which is not unlike getting married anyway. But if it's what you wan to spend your time and money on good luck to you - do the couple expect presents again?

Lemons1571 · 19/02/2023 08:01

We’re planning this for a significant anniversary. It’s because we didn’t get the wedding we wanted first time round. It was totally hijacked by parents wanting this and that, us being too green to be assertive, and other circumstances that made it a stressful day just to be got through.

I’d love a day that we could really enjoy, that was about us rather than about everyone else. No one else will be there. And no one has cheated.