How do I stop being so jealous?

[Belatedeyebrows]

A friend called me out on this the other day.
I absolutely do get jealous. Sometimes it's really petty (like theres more food on someone elses plate than mine) stuff I would never say out loud but have to check myself to grow up.
Sometimes it can be on a bigger scale like career progression. I believe I work super hard and I dislike it if someone does well when I perceive it to be an unfair gain. Again, I never say anything and check myself. There's usually a reason for everything but sometimes I may not see it.
I sound awful but I really thought I'd done a good job of not showing how I actually feel.
My friend said I front of a group of us that i get really jealous when she mentions she has other best friends and then went on to say how jealous I can be.
I honestly think she's great but pretty aware that I'm low down on her priorities. I've never demanded her time but will often give up mine to help her etc.
I hate that I've been perceived as a jealous person and it isn't the image I want to put out there. How can I balance it out?

Take yourself less seriously and realise you’re not very important, in fact none of us are

Do you have low self esteem? Maybe talk to a counsellor to get to the bottom of the issue.

@Cuppasoupmonster thank you! I do have a sense of too much self importance at times. Definitely need to check myself!

@Chikapu I don't have great self esteem. I think I've become very conflicted after after having ds. I want things but feel guilty for wanting it etc

Appreciate what you have and stop focusing amd comparing to what others have.

It is none of your business.

Jealousy is an ugly trait.

Your friend said that to you in front of others? She doesn’t sound very nice!

What’s you situation aside from this issue OP?

partner? Children? Job?

@Gwen82 I have 2 dc under 4. I'm in a middle management role. Dh is a stay at home dad suring the week and I feel the pressure to make ends meet (he does work weekends but then no family time.) I'm happy, we are happy. I generally have a pleasant outlook on life. I do get jealous and I'm not perfect. I didn't realise I made it so obvious.
I am happy for others though. I know I have my own journey etc

@Bunce1 she's just had a baby. I haven't met the baby yet although mutual friends have. I was fine with it and it think this is her way of justifying why I haven't seen her or the baby. I'm not explaining it very well but I was always happy to wait until she was ready for visitors and just support from a distance etc

My mother is an extremely jealous person, so growing up I was beginning to mimic her behaviour. But it made me miserable. So I really started to think about my reactions, probably around the age 19/20.
And I reflected quite deeply on everything for a long time and realised the things I was jealous about were not only quite petty but I found being jealous by things quite exhausting. So say when my friends would have something I wanted, (from a cracking rack, beautiful smiles, lovely parent relationships, new shoes) I actually just wanted to be happy for them.
And it is hard to retrain your brain but since I really worked on that, I've become so much more happy and also confident.
I take joy in my friends accomplishments and their good news. I want the best for everyone and whilst it sounds quite hippy dippy, it's made me enjoy my own mind lots more.
My poor mum isn't happy with anything because nothing is ever as good as what someone else has for her, so I really do sympathise how much jealousy can cause problems. I hope you're able to really work on it and things feel a nicer for you.
I'm also very proud of you for realising there is a problem and wanting to fix it, it's never easy to improve on ourselves x

How often do you even get together with her and others for evenings out?!

You’re obviously not too close to her if getting together and not met her baby yet?

I honestly think she's great but pretty aware that I'm low down on her priorities. I've never demanded her time but will often give up mine to help her etc.

you work full time and have two very young children. I’m not surprised your low down her list but I am surprised she’s high up your list given you don’t seem close

And presumably your life is too busy and full to be putting her as a priority!

OP it’s really good that you’re self aware about your jealousy and I imagine it must be so tough to try and navigate!

However as I’m sure you know, the fact other people have picked up on it must mean that it’s showing outwardly too, even when you don’t mean it to.

I think you’d benefit from speaking to someone about how to manage those feelings and try and have a more healthy dynamic within yourself. I can’t give you answers but someone out there will be able to.

Good luck!

Wow that was unnecessarily harsh, WTF!

You have a lot to be thankful for - focus on the good things in your own life, and model it for your family. We share "one good thing" from our day round the dinner table each night, and it really helps us all to think about the nice things we've experienced, big or small. It gives us parents the opportunity to model healthy attitudes to challenging times, to cheer on someone's achievements, and to support each other on hard days, too. My youngest had a very negative outlook on life and this habit has turned it around for him. He looks forward to sharing a good thing and thinks about what to say all day long. It's really sweet.

Not at all, and it seems OP read it how I intended it. So what if somebody else has something you don’t? None of us are inherently entitled to anything, even being alive! I find jealous people are often quite proud/self important, they feel they’re the ones truly deserving of things while other people deserve less. I’m not being mean and OP clearly had the self awareness to notice this in herself.

@Gwen82 I'd say we are close. She has loads of friends. The baby is a month old and we message almost daily. I would say I make more of an effort but I am fine with that.
I only twigged I was lower on the list when one friend told me she had been invited for a visit (I said that was great and have a great time!) And I was invited to go with some mutual colleagues, one we dont particularly know. I never said anything other than, that would be great, thank you for the invite. Sometimes that's how it goes? She's my child's godmother.

I had a best friend like this and it was so annoying and she was rubbish at hiding it as her facial expressions would say it all. It was one of those things where she wanted everything handed on a plate to her or she wouldn't put the effort in to make her dreams or wishes true but would be jealous of others. In the end it became quite depressing and I had to evaluate whether she was a positive impact in my life considering I should have been able to tell her the great things that were happening amd her not just being there (which she always was) for when my life was crumbling. Our friendship got worse once I married- she even told me that my now husband was going to propose before he did! After children worse. We didn't speak for a couple of years but are slowly connecting again after we had a proper chat.

I day all this because although your situation may not be the same. It can be draining being around someone who is jealous.

I only twigged I was lower on the list when one friend told me she had been invited for a visit (I said that was great and have a great time!) And I was invited to go with some mutual colleagues, one we dont particularly know.

OP, she likes you but you clearly like her a great deal more. Take a step back. For your self confidence if nothing else

She doesn't sound that great to me. How rude and unkind of her to be nasty about you to the rest of the group.

I would never do that to my friends.

But as a full time breadwinner with two very young children… OP, do you really care how high up you are on a friend’s list? You haven’t seen the baby and the baby is a month old. When I had my baby…my two closest friends visited my 9 hours after I gave birth. Than other close friends within a fortnight.

work colleagues…. Many weeks later

If she’s got lots of friends and you really like her presumably - then fact that she was rude about you in an open forum would indicate that she was either at the end of her tether about the issue or she’d tried to drop hints and be subtle ie the inviting you with work colleagues, but the message hadn’t been received

Also it sounds like you've never said you were or acted jealous of her other friends so her saying that in front of the others was doubly spiteful.

@Gwen82 thank you, it is painfully clear! I didn't realise whilst it was happening but there you go. I know now and can take a few life lessons with me.