How do I stop being so jealous?

[Belatedeyebrows]

A friend called me out on this the other day.
I absolutely do get jealous. Sometimes it's really petty (like theres more food on someone elses plate than mine) stuff I would never say out loud but have to check myself to grow up.
Sometimes it can be on a bigger scale like career progression. I believe I work super hard and I dislike it if someone does well when I perceive it to be an unfair gain. Again, I never say anything and check myself. There's usually a reason for everything but sometimes I may not see it.
I sound awful but I really thought I'd done a good job of not showing how I actually feel.
My friend said I front of a group of us that i get really jealous when she mentions she has other best friends and then went on to say how jealous I can be.
I honestly think she's great but pretty aware that I'm low down on her priorities. I've never demanded her time but will often give up mine to help her etc.
I hate that I've been perceived as a jealous person and it isn't the image I want to put out there. How can I balance it out?

At least you don't say a lot of it out loud. I have a friend I went blackberry picking with, and I picked a lot more than her. I was happy to share, but before I could mention it, she started complaining about how much more I had, and that it "wasn't fair". She's over 50. How embarrassing.

Please can I just say, I am happy for others!
When I was pregnant with ds, I was o track for management. I did so much work to progress and then had my ds. When I came back they kept on my mat cover who is now in management. He wasn't interviewed for the role and took up where I left but got the pay and title.
I was definitely bitter when I got back. I'm over it now and in a new job and position so I've still made the career progression I wanted.
I am condensing a lot, it was more nuanced than this but I think this is where it all comes from.
I try to be a good person, i promise!

Often the advice for people suffering from jealousy is to just let it go and to stop being jealous because it is an ‘ugly trait’. Like it’s that easy!

I think it is linked to low self esteem and people who ruminate on issues. It doesn’t make you a bad person.

My advice would be to acknowledge your feelings of jealousy without judgement. Instead focus your efforts on your own life and interests and build up your self esteem. When I feel fulfilled in my own right I stop feeling jealous. good luck!

I can be like this. Have just learnt to tell myself rationally that everyone has their struggles, no one’s life is perfect and some one else might well be jealous of you too. Some people are more social and have more friends. They still care about you and you just have to accept that friendship dynamics can be uneven.

Basically just learn to override the initial emotion with rational thoughts.

@Justalittlebitduckling thank you for understanding, sending you a hug 🫂

I think it was very mean of your friend to bring this up in front of other people.

However...

I also noticed I would be jealous in my teens through to early twenties and it's not nice. I would be jealous of my friends having other best friends, jealous of the girls that got the guys, jealous of people having better parents than me etc the list probably went on

But it isnt nice and it is exhausting. I felt like I was constantly in competition with myself and everyone else and I constantly had to do better.

I think a lot of it stems from low self esteem - I have recently seen a therapist for this and its opened my eyes to a lot of things including how I let people treat me. My self esteem has got much better.

However I do think the poster who mentioned checking your own self importance is right as well, at times I wouldve come across very self important as well. But I've realised I'm one insignificant human in the grand scheme of things and not to care about the lil things. You are only on the planet for the blink of an eye so who cares if you are someones 3rd choice for a cuppa, just enjoy the cuppa for what it is.

@Annotated1 such good advice!
My head can be quite erratic and I'm a total over thinker so when I'm focused on something I definitely feel better and more fulfilled. Thank you

To be fair, it sounds completely normal and rational to feel jealous and bitter over that scenario. It sounds like you've moved on from it too.

If it was years ago and you were still bitter and angry about it, then calling yourself a jealous person might be accurate.

Is there someone (other than your friend) saying you're jealous? I had someone in my past who would always say how shy I was. I wasn't any more shy than the next person, but the more they said it, the more I started to believe it.

Oh dear 🤣 that's awful!

But you said you get jealous if people have more food on their plate than you!!

@HeckyPeck I think she's probably had a good chat about it/me with our mutual friend group (or not, as the case may be)
It's all OK actually, I've definitely invested more time and energy in the friendship and you've all helped me to see that and my own flaws that I can work on.
Things have been going well for me at work but I purposely haven't shared that with her as she's on mat leave and we are in the same positition.

I think actively practicing gratefulness can really help, silly as it sounds. Could you try some daily meditations along those lines? Headspace used to do some nice ones.

Thank you, I totally take your point.
I took the hint about not being on the top of the list to meet the baby. I only met the baby with others as a group outing. I was fine with it. I never said anything before and or during. I just took it.

@lolovem thank you. I will look into it. I do find it hard to just be in the moment sometimes!

Get therapy. It'll help unlock all of this, with the right therapist. You'll be glad you did it.

Firstly, find yourself a better friend, a friend doesn't call you out publicly like that, she's a bitch and needs to grow up.

Secondly, everyone has shitty feelings or traits and anyone that pretends otherwise is a liar, its the not acting on them that matters and your obviously very self aware so don't beat yourself up and try be thankful for what you do have and focus on your best traits, I'm sure you have many.

. I haven't met the baby yet although mutual friends have

I thought you hadn’t met the baby.

and when you say you “just took it”… I hope it would never have even occurred to you to say something to a new mother about how she chose to invite you. There was nothing to “take”

@Gwen82 that should say hadn't, at that time I hadn't met the baby but other friends had.
When I said, "I just took it" I was referring to the jealousy comment not the invitation. Also, we met as a group catch up not just specifically to meet the baby, my friend with the baby wasnt orignally coming Sorry for the lack of clarity.

You sound nice OP, and self aware. You may be a little jealous but it's actually hard to say that you are from your posts/examples.
Your friend sounds cruel. There's nothing worse then someone who points out people's faults in front of others.
I hope you have better friends.

It might help when you get the feelings to stop and think about it.
Someone has more food than you. So what? Are you hungry? Do you need to order something else?
Your friend has other friends. How does this affect you? Are you short of company? Do you need to build up other areas of your social life?
Someone is recognised at work. Why weren't you? Have you spoken to you manager and identified what you could do to achieve similar?
Sometimes jealousy is irrational. But sometimes it's giving you a hint that there's something missing for you. You need to understand where this is the case, so you can work on filling any gaps in your life that leave an opening for jealousy to creep in.

I think she's been a dick. I'm sorry.

I think, secretly, we all get jealous sometimes. I do envy some of my friends lifestyles and that they have no money worries etc. I do have to check myself about this!
I remind myself of how fortunate I am. I have a lot of very good, positive things in my life.
It’s about changing your mindset.
It can take effort but you sound like a nice person, who doesn’t want to cause any problems for others.
Having kids is hard. It changes who you are and your perception of yourself. I’ve been there, , I still get days like that.
Don’t be so hard on yourself.
by the way, you friend should not have called you out like that in front of a group… that’s nasty!

I actually feel I'm quite a jealous person aswell and I don't think it's that bad OP so don't give yourself such a hard time. I don't feel that I don't want others to succeed so I would never wish someone's accomplishments hadn't happened but I might wish they would also happen for me. To be fair though if one of best friends, who was godparent to my child, made comments like yours has in public I'd be fuming even if it was true.

Agree with PP that OP's friend is rude. To me, pointing out somebody's flaw in front of others is pretty bloody nuclear. EVERYBODY'S got something they're sensitive about and real friends sidestep it or take it one on one if it's legitimately an issue.

Thanks for your help everyone. I feel better about things and have looked into some apps for the time being.
Interestingly, my friend has just messaged me to ask if I'm free for a catch up today and to bring the baby sling I told her I had spare before the baby was born so that she can try it out.
Good job I'm already busy today!