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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

ExH & Partner invading my space

54 replies

Thinkitsrainingagain · 17/02/2023 09:35

I probably am being unreasonable but I am so pissed off with ExH!

I have been a member of a sports club for about 8 years or so. I really enjoy going and have a nice social group there. ExH & his partner have now decided to join. Whilst we co-parent amicably (most of the time!), I do not want to have him in my space. I really don't want to be anywhere near his partner either.

She wasn't the other woman but walked round the house we shared before divorce pricing up what we had and telling ExH what he should take and what she wanted (caught on dog cam). I was broken mentally by that point and didn't have the energy to fight back (they took all the high re-sale value items and sold them).

I am in a much better place now and have life on track and going well. The sports club is a place where I can go and let off steam after a stressful day at work and catch up with friends at the weekend for a chat.

ExH has never really shown any interest in this sport. He joined for a year after I asked for the divorce (mainly to make me feel uncomfortable) but rarely attended after I didn't react to his being there. As far as I am aware, his partner has never shown any interest in this sport.

I don't want to be around this woman or ExH but there is nothing I can do is there? If I tell ExH I don't want him there he will make sure that he goes to cause me discomfort. There are other clubs they could join if they have found a new passion for the sport but it looks like I will be the one to either stop or join elsewhere.

Why after 3 years is he being such a dick???

(Sorry - more of a rant than AIBU)

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 17/02/2023 09:39

What an odd decision. Who’s got the kids while all 3 of you are at the club? If you think he’s just trying to piss you off then keep ignoring them and hopefully they’ll stop going.

Rainbowshit · 17/02/2023 09:44

This would piss me off.

Even when my best friend wanted to join my sports club it felt like a bit of a violation of my space!

Hopefully it'll be short lived if it's not something they've done before.

InLoveWithPandora · 17/02/2023 09:44

Unless they are genuinely interested in this sport (which seems highly doubtful) I doubt they will keep up this nonsense for long.

Any kind of response on your part is likely to spur them on so act completely indifferent.

They both sound awful and clearly deserve each other!

TaRaDeBumDeAy · 17/02/2023 09:47

I'd think she was pregnant and wanting to rub your nose in it. Why would they have a renewed interest in coming for you again otherwise 🤔

KTheGrey · 17/02/2023 09:48

Well hopefully your eight years extra experience will mean you utterly outclass them. Is it an individual sport where you can beat them hollow?

I would paste on a fake smile, tell your mates at the club about their despicable behaviour in the divorce and wait them out. Courage, this is just a case of horrid types are horrid.

BarrelOfOtters · 17/02/2023 09:50

You can either ignore them and wait it out till they get bored...or be super nice and wait it out till they get bored.

kittybiscuits · 17/02/2023 09:52

How annoying. I think I would show zero response. Just hi and bye them, make no other comment. They'll soon get bored of it.

Changechangechanging · 17/02/2023 09:52

Why would they have a renewed interest in coming for you again otherwise

I am many years post divorce and several new partners come and gone from my ex’s life. In my experience, he/they become a pain at the point the relationship is beginning to fail. It’s like they unite for a while behind a mutual hatred of me (totally unfounded, I might add, I live a very quiet life and have less and less to do with him every year) and then it all falls apart.

Original poster
Thinkitsrainingagain · 17/02/2023 09:54

Kids are older teenagers so will only realise I'm out of the house if there is no food!

This has really come out of the blue - there hasn't been any issues or concerns so I don't know what he is up to.

I don't want to have to avoid doing the one thing I enjoy until they get bored of it but at the same time I don't want to go to ladies night with a woman who was happy to rip me & my kids off. Being positive about her with the kids is hard enough but socialising with her is too much.

I agree with @InLoveWithPandora - any response will spur them on but the choice is to miss out while waiting for them to get bored but they will have paid their membership for the year so can start going again when I do to annoy me, call him and tell him not to join or move to another club and start again.

I am seriously pissed off. I'm a natural introvert so don't want the anxiety of joining somewhere new and having to get to know new people but I can't risk staying at my current club and risking my mental health.

OP posts:
MissingMoominMamma · 17/02/2023 09:56

Is there a committee? If you’ve been going for such a long time and are an integral part of the group, they might not want to lose you.

CiderJolly · 17/02/2023 09:58

It’s annoying, and weird, but you don’t own the club and they can go if they like.

Just ignore them and carry on enjoying yourself- they will get bored and you can soon get back to normal enjoying your sport without their presence. Don’t give them any more headspace.

lunar1 · 17/02/2023 10:01

They will probably lose interest quickly if it's now something they otherwise enjoy. You've got to laugh at them a bit, you've completely moved on and they have nothing better to do than follow you to your club, how pathetic are they!

Sisisimone · 17/02/2023 10:03

What a pair of bastards. I would probably tell all my friends and everyone at the club I knew that your ex and new girlfriend were joining the club just to upset you so they didn't get made welcome and would completely ignore them. Would probably make a snarky comment to ex along the lines of ' ffs exh, why are you still following me around after all these years, can't we just move on, what's up? Not happy with new gf?'
Just to piss him off

Nightynightnight · 17/02/2023 10:03

You know that you can't tell them not to join. So that isn't even an option. You're only in control of what you do and how much you allow their presence to affect you.

You can leave the club. But how much will THAT impact your mental health. Knowing that you gave up your friendships and hobby and your space for them to take over will likely cause resentment and frustration.

You can stay and seethe about them.

Or you can stay and be really zen about the whole thing. Firstly you might find you go at different times. If you are secure in your friendships at the club then her presence at ladies nights won't impact that. You don't need to sit with her or even talk to her. You can breeze about the place knowing that you are in with the bricks.

LakeTiticaca · 17/02/2023 10:09

If you ignore them they will eventually twig that they are not getting to you and not bother coming anymore.
It's hard but worth a try x

IseeBrigadoon · 17/02/2023 10:26

Be over friendly with your exH. She will get pissed off and paranoid and make them leave the club. But I can be petty like that 😆

Intrepidescape · 17/02/2023 10:27

Can’t you approach the head of the club and ask that they not be let into the club? Explain that there was abuse and stalking but ask that they not repeat this.

It’s not a total lie. They were abusive towards you and they are now stalking you.

Original poster
Thinkitsrainingagain · 17/02/2023 10:54

It is tempting to try and get them banned (friends with the membership secretary!) but I wouldn't want to put my friend in an awkward position & Ex would know it was down to me. The club also could do with more members!

While I don't share the ins and outs of my life at the club, my team knew I was having a hard time during the divorce so they are unlikely to welcome Ex back to the club. They won't know what his partner did so those outside my close group are likely to welcome her. One of the things I love about the club is how welcoming it is!

I know I should breeze in head held high but Ex has always had a way of making me feel inferior and insecure. I've just started to believe in me again and this happens! Jut the thought of them being in my space is already causing me anxiety so my preferred option of fake it till I make it seems impossible.

Why is it that when life goes well a pigeon comes and shits from a great height!

OP posts:
SeriouslyLTB · 17/02/2023 11:06

Intrepidescape · 17/02/2023 10:27

Can’t you approach the head of the club and ask that they not be let into the club? Explain that there was abuse and stalking but ask that they not repeat this.

It’s not a total lie. They were abusive towards you and they are now stalking you.

That is an absolutely horrific thing to do. To lie about crimes like abuse and stalking is why victims aren’t believed.

OP: do NOT do this.

forrestgreen · 17/02/2023 11:14

Tell the membership sec and what she does is up to her.

Tell all the friends the details, say he's coming just to make things awkward so can they look out for you please

HurryShadow · 17/02/2023 11:15

Thinkitsrainingagain · 17/02/2023 10:54

It is tempting to try and get them banned (friends with the membership secretary!) but I wouldn't want to put my friend in an awkward position & Ex would know it was down to me. The club also could do with more members!

While I don't share the ins and outs of my life at the club, my team knew I was having a hard time during the divorce so they are unlikely to welcome Ex back to the club. They won't know what his partner did so those outside my close group are likely to welcome her. One of the things I love about the club is how welcoming it is!

I know I should breeze in head held high but Ex has always had a way of making me feel inferior and insecure. I've just started to believe in me again and this happens! Jut the thought of them being in my space is already causing me anxiety so my preferred option of fake it till I make it seems impossible.

Why is it that when life goes well a pigeon comes and shits from a great height!

I am sure the club's rules state that the decision over membership rests with the secretary and that no reason needs to be given.

I would speak with the secretary/committee if I were you. Failing that, tell the most gossipy member of the club what your ex did to you and wait for the rest of them to ostracise them!

If it is a ball sport, I'd be "accidentally" taking out someone's ankles otherwise! Maybe not a good idea if it's an archery club though!

AlmostSummer21 · 17/02/2023 11:17

@Thinkitsrainingagain

Why after 3 years is he being such a dick???

a) because he can
b) because he's not happy in his life.

just carry on as you are, don't change a thing. I suspect they will hardly turn up & when they do just say hello & carry on.

Seeming to be unbothered will do his head in. Does she know you'll be there?

it's YOUR space, don't let them hound you out!

it'll be bloody obvious they have got an interest/any ability in the sport surely?

Don't let the stupid git, & his bit, ruin your space!! Don't feel intimidated & insecure, he's the one that'll look like a dick!!

KrisAkabusi · 17/02/2023 11:37

TaRaDeBumDeAy · 17/02/2023 09:47

I'd think she was pregnant and wanting to rub your nose in it. Why would they have a renewed interest in coming for you again otherwise 🤔

You'll pull a muscle, reaching like that!

Mummyoflittledragon · 17/02/2023 12:04

Definitely speak to the membership secretary about this. Even if she can’t prevent them from joining, there’s one person on side. Do tell those, who know you from the divorce time and any friends you made they’re joining and you’re anxious as they ripped you off over dog cam so it really feels like they’re pissing on your territory.

donttellmehesalive · 17/02/2023 12:06

You simply must fake complete nonchalance until he buggers off again.

What choice is there? Sloping off and leaving them to it is even worse!

I would be having several conversations though along the lines of 'yes I hear they are coming back to the club....such an odd choice...I expect he will be expecting me to leave.' People will draw their own conclusions and I doubt they'll have a warm welcome.