Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

ExH & Partner invading my space

54 replies

Thinkitsrainingagain · 17/02/2023 09:35

I probably am being unreasonable but I am so pissed off with ExH!

I have been a member of a sports club for about 8 years or so. I really enjoy going and have a nice social group there. ExH & his partner have now decided to join. Whilst we co-parent amicably (most of the time!), I do not want to have him in my space. I really don't want to be anywhere near his partner either.

She wasn't the other woman but walked round the house we shared before divorce pricing up what we had and telling ExH what he should take and what she wanted (caught on dog cam). I was broken mentally by that point and didn't have the energy to fight back (they took all the high re-sale value items and sold them).

I am in a much better place now and have life on track and going well. The sports club is a place where I can go and let off steam after a stressful day at work and catch up with friends at the weekend for a chat.

ExH has never really shown any interest in this sport. He joined for a year after I asked for the divorce (mainly to make me feel uncomfortable) but rarely attended after I didn't react to his being there. As far as I am aware, his partner has never shown any interest in this sport.

I don't want to be around this woman or ExH but there is nothing I can do is there? If I tell ExH I don't want him there he will make sure that he goes to cause me discomfort. There are other clubs they could join if they have found a new passion for the sport but it looks like I will be the one to either stop or join elsewhere.

Why after 3 years is he being such a dick???

(Sorry - more of a rant than AIBU)

OP posts:

Nightynightnight · 17/02/2023 12:20

In my experience people really don't give a shit about the personal lives of others. Perhaps your closest friends in the club will rally round but to expect a club to refuse membership because of a messy divorce is quite self-centred. And yes it would extremely unfair of you to put your friend who happens to be the membership person in any position where she feels like she has to risk her friendship with you or do her job properly.

You sound like someone who values your self esteem and mental health. I can't see how telling everyone what happened and requesting side taking is going to enhance your self-esteem or confidence. Because what happens when they listen to you, and then admit them to the club anyway and even end up getting on well with them. How are you going to feel then. You can not go through life expecting other people's actions to bring you peace.

JMSA · 17/02/2023 12:21

That's so annoying! YANBU.

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 17/02/2023 12:23

YANBU, hold your head high and just completely blank them.
Speak to your friends at the club and just keep your back to them. Sounds like they already support you over your exH.
They'll soon get bored when they see it's not bothering you.

CleaningOutMyCloset · 17/02/2023 12:24

Show no interest in them, say hello when they arrive and then leave them to it.

If you ask him not to go, or react in anyway shape or form they will stay longer

Sounds like they want the drama, if you don't give it to them they will lose interest and likely leave

Leeds2 · 17/02/2023 12:24

Do you know if you will be there at the same time? As in, if they go every Monday could you go on Tuesdays instead? Or at times when you know he/they will be at work?
I suspect if he doesn’t get any reaction from you, his interest in the club will fade anyway.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 17/02/2023 12:29

Arrange for your kids to go and meet up with him when you want to go to the club.

TomatoSandwiches · 17/02/2023 12:35

I would just keep in mind that only really very sad pathetic people with not much going on in their lives end up doing shit like this..... I would pity them tbh imagine how lacking they must be.

TequilaNights · 17/02/2023 12:39

This is the perfect opportunity for you to show yourself how you have grown as a person!
Do not let them bother you, keep going, do not change your routine.

If they have joined to bother you, then seeing that your not fazed will annoy them more.

Disassociate them from you, they are just 2 new people who joined the club.

Londono · 17/02/2023 12:40

You have my heartfelt sympathy, OP. My situation is very similar including ex's new partner not being anything other than antagonistic towards me when all I want to do is ignore them and move on with my life. They generally just turn up at places where they know I will be and his new partner does it even when ex isn't with her, it is super weird. They go and see the same (obscure) bands I see when the DC tell them what I'm up to (not at the same time, at a later date) I find it so very strange - why do they want to live my life? Get your own!

All I do is ignore them, I don't remark to the DC about how strange it is and I keep hoping it will pass but it hasn't yet. It does keep me on edge as they don't always attend a particular recurring event they know I'll be at but sometimes they do or she does. At first I made sure I took a friend with me but now I don't and just brazen it out. Good luck.

Londono · 17/02/2023 12:42

Oh and ex was abusive and is only allowed to contact me via email, a court ordered app or by phone call in an emergency only so I very very much want to avoid contact with him but he goes out of his way to insert himself into my space.

Hankunamatata · 17/02/2023 12:43

Be incredibly passed off and rant to your close friends. Then be serene and totally grey rock when they are about. Polite breezy hello.

Original poster

Thinkitsrainingagain · 17/02/2023 12:45

@Nightynightnight - you are right, I do value my self esteem and privacy. Nobody at the club knows the full details of why we divorced and they won't from me. Them joining will make me the subject of gossip for a week or so without me chucking anything into the mix.

I wouldn't put anyone in the position of taking sides. It's not my way. I do feel like he has done this on purpose as he has no other way of getting to me.

OP posts:

Londono · 17/02/2023 12:45

My conclusion about this kind of behaviour is that I'm living rent free in both of their heads. It is pathetic and sad. And it is the same for you. Decent healthy people would find somewhere else to go or something else to do.

Londono · 17/02/2023 12:46

It makes me feel like saying 'I know, you have a girlfriend - congratulations!' It feels so very schoolground behaviour.

ivykaty44 · 17/02/2023 12:49

just curious, but are you good at this sport? how good is your ex and his new dp?

this is an odd move, is he likely to attend or is he the sort to start something and the fad away?

TurtleTriplets · 17/02/2023 12:54

This is awful behaviour of them, the only thing you can do is keep your head up and carry on going. Try rescue remedy if you get anxious before a session.

I liked the suggestion of being super friendly with EX, touch his arm and be all like, Oh remember when we used to come here together, but realistically ignore, ignore, ignore!

Ceryneianhind · 17/02/2023 12:55

IseeBrigadoon · 17/02/2023 10:26

Be over friendly with your exH. She will get pissed off and paranoid and make them leave the club. But I can be petty like that 😆

Do this!

Badger1970 · 17/02/2023 12:59

Honestly, I'd find another club. No you shouldn't have to, but you're always going to be on guard around them which defeats the purpose of having a hobby to relax.

It is invading your space, though and they're a pair of dicks for doing it.

WhatWouldHopperDo · 17/02/2023 13:01

Londono · 17/02/2023 12:45

I came on to say something like this but @Londono articulated it perfectly.

This is a reflection on them and although it is making you feel shit, they are the ones who are clearly unhappy in some way.

Keep reminding yourself how far you have come, how good you feel about yourself and your life. Hold your head up high and don't give them the satisfaction of driving you out.

It will drive them mad if it appears not to bother you. Easier said than done though.

Rogue1001MNer · 17/02/2023 13:01

That's so horrible of them, OP.
I'm so sorry.

I'd be another one saying stay and brave it out, but if you really feel you can't, maybe your friend the membership secretary will let you go without financial penalty? Maybe that is something you can ask?
Are there other clubs you can join?
Can you keep in touch with your friends from there?

Nightynightnight · 17/02/2023 13:02

Thinkitsrainingagain · 17/02/2023 12:45

I wouldn't put anyone in the position of taking sides. It's not my way. I do feel like he has done this on purpose as he has no other way of getting to me.

So what does "getting to you" mean in real terms. Ideally you can get to a stage where you can just smile and not care if they think they're getting to you. Let him and his girlfriend go home and think they've "won" who cares. There's nothing to win. There's nothing to lose. They sound like flawed humans. You sound fun and interesting and resilient. You have friends, you have hobbies, you got through the other side of a hurtful divorce. Their mere presence can't hurt you because you have experienced and got through worse.

ClareBlue · 17/02/2023 13:14

Don't try and get the club to stop their membership. It's not legal for them to do this unless they have a very specific reason which they have to state. An xspouse is not a valid reason. All that will do is create drama whilst they appeal it and say how hard done by they are.
You have to do the raising above it thing. Really hard on you but you genuinely have no option if you want to stay at the club.
Look at is as how far you have come and how strong you are now. When he leaves through not getting the reaction he wants then you know that this is something else you can deal with.
But non of that excuses what a shit both of them are being. Don't waste any time even thinking why some people are like this. They just are. Most end up bitter and alone and get no joy from anything.

ClareBlue · 17/02/2023 13:18

And as others have said. Ambivalence and not caring is what really wounds people like this. It's the reaction they want. Don't give them the satisfaction.

rookiemere · 17/02/2023 13:50

If you can force yourself to do it, I'd "nice" them
Out.
Big cheery smiles when you see them. Ask them ostentatiously how they're getting on with it, basically be ridiculously chatty to them. It will put them off balance and make them feel uncomfortable- but of course you're just being nice. Hopefully will put them off going.

PrinnyPree · 17/02/2023 13:55

Could you say to the husband, "it's really good to see you here I was hoping you'd decide to come after all, really glad we can rekindle our friendship with this shared hobby for the sake of the kids" in front of the new girlfriend in a subtly flirtatious way. Lots of smiles, then a smiling pity look at the GF when you "realise" shes stood there. That might stop them coming.

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread