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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Generational finances

231 replies

Mummyongin · 16/02/2023 12:45

I don’t expect I can word this right/fairly but essentially, if retired grandparents have some wealth (e.g., 5 figure savings or assets) and their adult children are bringing up young children on barely enough to pay rent/mortgage, energy bills, childcare and food - is this okay? What are your thoughts and beliefs about how to balance wealth and finances more fairly? What role should grandparents play financially?

OP posts:
CupEmpty · 16/02/2023 12:49

You’ll be told on here that it’s grabby etc to think like this, there shouldn’t be any expectations on inheritance etc.

but I was thinking this the other day, my parents are multi multi millionaires (10+) but give us nothing as they are self made. I would love to stay off work now as my kids are small, nothing extravagant, but I have to return to a job with high stress and long hours and I’m dreading it. Just a little help could make such a difference, rather than it sitting in investments.

pktechgirl · 16/02/2023 12:56

Children and grandchildren are not entitled to their parents wealth. I do know a couple who are both struggling financially who both have parents who have more than enough to support them but refuse citing potential divorce and lost money if the other spouse leaves I.e they only want to help their own child and not the spouse.

There needs to be a series of open and honest conversation. It is less about whether they owe you money and more about what kind of support they are expecting from you when they cannot look after themselves.

Could they give you some money to buy a house near them or one for all of you? Have they written a will yet and do they need to talk to an independent financial adviser about how to distribute their money. These are all conversations to have in advance and not when it's too late and choices are limited.

Biker47 · 16/02/2023 12:58

What are your thoughts and beliefs about how to balance wealth and finances more fairly?

Life isn't fair is the first lesson you need to learn, fairness doesn't come into it when you're talking about other peoples finances or property.

Second lesson is, they've earned their money during their working lives and are entitled to do with it how they see fit, and because they're retired, it's not as easy than most to just replace it if the needs arise, so need to be careful where it goes.

SleeplessInEngland · 16/02/2023 12:59

My thoughts are: if you're a boomer and were not totally incompetent at work then you won the economic lottery and could probably afford a much nicer house and lifestyle than millenials of the same ability/standing.

Does that mean they have to redistribute their wealth it to younger generations? No. But you'd hope for a bit of understanding and yeah, if they're feeling charitable, perhaps a bit of financial help if it's within their means.

Bluevelvetsofa · 16/02/2023 13:00

Our savings wouldn’t be enough to pay a mortgage for a few months. Both mine had help with getting on the property ladder and childcare when they were small.

The savings will be eroded as the cost of living rises.

EmmaEmerald · 16/02/2023 13:00

5 figures between two grandparents? Even at the max of 99k, I'd think they don't have enough to help that much, unless you're going to say they have a big retirement income.

even if one needs a hip replacement (for example) and has to go private, that's about 20% of their savings gone.

skippy67 · 16/02/2023 13:01

Yes, it's "ok".🙄

SeasonsBleatings · 16/02/2023 13:02

In my opinion adults have absolutely no right to expect/assume they are entitled to some of their parents or grandparents income/wealth.

EmmaEmerald · 16/02/2023 13:03

CupEmpty · 16/02/2023 12:49

You’ll be told on here that it’s grabby etc to think like this, there shouldn’t be any expectations on inheritance etc.

but I was thinking this the other day, my parents are multi multi millionaires (10+) but give us nothing as they are self made. I would love to stay off work now as my kids are small, nothing extravagant, but I have to return to a job with high stress and long hours and I’m dreading it. Just a little help could make such a difference, rather than it sitting in investments.

Being totally honest, in that situation, I would expect some help.

DaveyJonesLocker · 16/02/2023 13:04

Personally I think wealth should be passed down through generations, not squandered. I think these families of "old money" stay that way by passing on the wealth and success.

The idea that you just keep a roof over your kids head and food in their bellies till they're 18 then sling them out on their own seems pretty barbaric tbh.

I couldn't be swanning about living a life of luxury if my kid was struggling to care for their children.

Although five figures in savings for a retired couple may not actually be that much if you spread it out over their life expectancy and see what it would work out as a wage.

MelchiorsMistress · 16/02/2023 13:04

Of course it’s ok. There is less need to balance wealth in families than there is to balance it across society. Wealth inequality is an issue, but I don’t think it’s those that have potential to inherit five figure sums that we need to worry about.

Onnabugeisha · 16/02/2023 13:05

EmmaEmerald · 16/02/2023 13:00

5 figures between two grandparents? Even at the max of 99k, I'd think they don't have enough to help that much, unless you're going to say they have a big retirement income.

even if one needs a hip replacement (for example) and has to go private, that's about 20% of their savings gone.

This is my opinion too. Five figures at a max of £99k will mostly likely leave them completely skint in the next ten years. It’s not like elderly can go out and work, their savings have to last the rest of their lives. So YABU if you think they owe you any help….

TakeMe2Insanity · 16/02/2023 13:06

I think if you want the grandparents to make things easier for the parents then the parents need to make things easier for the grandparents. I don’t everyone living in a separate individual houses would work. You need to be thinking about inter-generational living and thinking about things other than the grandparents having lump sums sat around not helping the parents.

Talipesmum · 16/02/2023 13:07

5 figures could likely be the cost of a care home for one person for one year. They may be very aware of their finances and where they might be needed in old age - if they’re retired that’s their chance for savings done with. It’s hard but they might well need it.

RealBecca · 16/02/2023 13:12

Its a strange question. If they want to spend it on holidays, new hips or leave it in a bank, that's their right.

If they wanted a multi generational living set up and put their money into it, with an expectation that you would get better or cheaper digs and they would get some care and help, would you WANT that?

Benefitting from someones money or time may have strings attached. And grandparents can be any age now. Some are still working. I know a few grans in their early 30s.

Appleblum · 16/02/2023 13:13

5 figures is nothing. If they are elderly and retired this sum of money is supposed to last them until their death. If they were to draw it down at a very modest rate of 2k per month the money wouldn't even last them 5 years!

EmmaEmerald · 16/02/2023 13:13

Onnabugeisha · 16/02/2023 13:05

This is my opinion too. Five figures at a max of £99k will mostly likely leave them completely skint in the next ten years. It’s not like elderly can go out and work, their savings have to last the rest of their lives. So YABU if you think they owe you any help….

Show quote history

I would imagine they have pension income so I don't picture them having 0 in ten years, but they need to hang on to their savings.

we don't know if they are 65 or 85 but regardless, it's not enough to be helping out unless there's a drip feed coming and they have a huge investment income.

Unicorn2022 · 16/02/2023 13:14

We have had this thought recently as my DH's parents died and everyone was shocked at the huge amount of money they left. They led a really frugal life and saved everything for a rainy day that never happened. Their adult kids are all in their 50s and 60s now and don't need the inheritance, but even a few thousand of it would have made a world of difference years ago, and they could have enjoyed seeing the difference ut could have made to everyone, they could have treated their grandchildren to school trips that couldn't be afforded at the time etc etc.

Instead they have still given away all of the money but with no benefit to them, and the government have taken a nice big chunk too.

I have always tried to be generous with whatever I have and will continue to do so for as long as I can. I try to give my children everything I didn't have, rather than have the mentality of I didn't have it so why should they.

EmmaEmerald · 16/02/2023 13:15

Unicorn2022 · 16/02/2023 13:14

We have had this thought recently as my DH's parents died and everyone was shocked at the huge amount of money they left. They led a really frugal life and saved everything for a rainy day that never happened. Their adult kids are all in their 50s and 60s now and don't need the inheritance, but even a few thousand of it would have made a world of difference years ago, and they could have enjoyed seeing the difference ut could have made to everyone, they could have treated their grandchildren to school trips that couldn't be afforded at the time etc etc.

Instead they have still given away all of the money but with no benefit to them, and the government have taken a nice big chunk too.

I have always tried to be generous with whatever I have and will continue to do so for as long as I can. I try to give my children everything I didn't have, rather than have the mentality of I didn't have it so why should they.

I agree
but OP is saying the couple have a not huge amount.

Original poster
Mummyongin · 16/02/2023 13:16

Just to clarify, I have never had any expectations or assumptions that I am entitled to anything. I have never asked for anything either.

I’m writing this because it feels upsetting that we struggle to put a healthy meal on the table. I can’t give my children anything like the childhood I had (music lessons and annual holidays) despite my husband and I being more highly educated, me going back to work earlier and both working longer hours than either of our parents. It feels like they don’t care about our kids. We are the ones who travel to see them despite the petrol costs being a huge dent in our wallets.

OP posts:
Onnabugeisha · 16/02/2023 13:17

EmmaEmerald · 16/02/2023 13:13

I would imagine they have pension income so I don't picture them having 0 in ten years, but they need to hang on to their savings.

we don't know if they are 65 or 85 but regardless, it's not enough to be helping out unless there's a drip feed coming and they have a huge investment income.

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You can imagine whatever extra money you want to. I presumed state pension and that is the smallest in Europe.

lalaloopyhead · 16/02/2023 13:19

I'm not sure about this to be honest. My parents are not wealthy but comfortable and have helped me out in the past with one off things, like a contribution towards house deposit etc. I am in a reasonable position now myself but even if I wasn't I don;t think I would expect them to give me anything substantial or a regular income.

What kind of help are you meaning OP?

EmmaEmerald · 16/02/2023 13:20

Onnabugeisha · 16/02/2023 13:17

You can imagine whatever extra money you want to. I presumed state pension and that is the smallest in Europe.

Show quote history

I'm thinking of state pension too

GetUps · 16/02/2023 13:21

I don't think "5 figure savings" is very much for someone retired.

I'm approaching retirement in a fairly comfortable position, but I'm very aware that that's it. I won't be saving any more and with all the uncertainty around inflation I have no idea how far those savings will go in say 10 years' time.

I'm also not entirely convinced it helps people, long term, to have handouts. In a world where self esteem and happiness are so tied, knowing you did it yourself is important.

Anyway upshot. I wouldn't want my parents to help me if it was going to leave their savings that low.

EmmaEmerald · 16/02/2023 13:22

Mummyongin · 16/02/2023 13:16

Just to clarify, I have never had any expectations or assumptions that I am entitled to anything. I have never asked for anything either.

I’m writing this because it feels upsetting that we struggle to put a healthy meal on the table. I can’t give my children anything like the childhood I had (music lessons and annual holidays) despite my husband and I being more highly educated, me going back to work earlier and both working longer hours than either of our parents. It feels like they don’t care about our kids. We are the ones who travel to see them despite the petrol costs being a huge dent in our wallets.

I can see it's upsetting to be in that position but it doesn't sound like they have enough to help.

why don't they visit you? Perhaps you need to cut back visits to save money.