'Nicola Bulley's reputation 'destroyed' by police'

[MyrtIe]

Article here

The points made about victim blaming and the police disclosing this information to cover themselves are spot on imo.

The usual gutter press are having a field day with this today.

What exactly was the point of it? What's it achieved, apart from compounding the heartache of her loved ones?

YABU - the police were right to divulge this sensitive information as it was relevant to the investigation

YANBU - there was absolutely no need to do so

The issue with "female hysteria" is that it was seen as weak, imaginary, illegitimate, etc. It was never accorded proper research (which treated women as equal participants) and was treated as a sign of inferiority.

That is still the issue with menopause today. You and the poster you quoted are so afraid of the stigma around even admitting that the menopause is an issue – especially in a male-dominated society – that you'd rather just pretend it doesn't exist. It's shameful to talk about this issue, let alone acknowledge it can have the worst consequences (as in NB's case potentially). Anyone who suffers from it is just weak, and letting the female sex down in front of the men!

Period cramps / endometriosis used to have the same status as the menopause: "Throughout history this pain was routinely dismissed as psychosomatic, the result of poor lifestyle management or punishment for delayed pregnancy. It was frequently denied the status of real pain... There was a genuine belief that women who experienced severe pain on ovulation and menstruation were making it up."

Not every woman has period cramps, but many do. Imagine if it was deemed shameful and "sexist" to talk about period cramps, just because it's an ailment suffered only by women. Imagine if society had never said "actually, this is quite a widespread issue and can have devastating consequences for some women". Legitimate research would not have been conducted. It would still be a "sexist insult" to say that someone suffered from period cramps, and the vast sub-section of the population with actual period pain would not have got any help.

The menopause affects a lot of women negatively in terms of mental health – not me personally, but a lot of women I know. As I've said before, female researchers have called for more funding, research, attention and legitimacy for this issue. They have said that if it affected men instead of women, lots of research would already have been done about it. It would be talked about in scientific rather than shameful terms.

So yes, if you don't acknowledge the menopause as a legitimate scientific and biological issue faced by much of one half of the population, then yes, it risks turning into this era's "womanly hysteria" – a poorly understood, mislabelled, stigmatised, hush-hush, erroneous label for actual specific medical issues.

@new2mn so well said, the menopausal aspect humanises her. Being an alcoholic or even having an affair would cause people to make judgements and lose interest.

That's so sad ^Angela*.

It must break your heart, I'm so sorry.

Sorry to hear that xxx

Yeah and now nobody wants to be the person to start a new thread in the News section because of all the hateful posts from people like you. So now the case isn't being discussed, hundreds of people commented on those threads who will now just put it to the back of their mind. Everyone will forget Nicola Bulley ever existed. Well done you 👏🏻

Yeah and now nobody wants to be the person to start a new thread in the News section because of all the hateful posts from people like you

No - nobody wants to be the person to start a new thread in the News section because they know they will look like the ambulance-chasing amateur Miss Marples which they actually are.

“Yeah and now nobody wants to be the person to start a new thread in the News section because of all the hateful posts from people like you. So now the case isn't being discussed, hundreds of people commented on those threads who will now just put it to the back of their mind. Everyone will forget Nicola Bulley ever existed. Well done you 👏🏻”

@MeinKraft spot on comment. The case will now go cold, be forgotten. I think the family are still trying to keep it out there- but it’ll definitely die down now. Mumsnet? Notmums perhaps would be more apt. Everyone is too scared to mention NB.

I agree some posts were repetitive and were too intrusive, but I still think it kept the case current, kept people talking.

I doubt we’ll hear much about her now.

Uptownswirl · Today 10:50
Nothing the police have disclosed is anything to be ashamed of. The only people putting shame into the situation are the keyboard warriors and media”

To the contrary I’ve only seen supportive comments from both men and women in relation to NB. Nothing venomous.

Really?
Not all those other people who said essentially the same thing then?

I don't think the police are going to stop looking for her because a new thread hasn't been started on mumsnet to provide them with guidance along the way. 🙄

Thank you.
It's been a long time now, but I still think back to when she was born, to the hopes you have for them when you have your first baby. I guess every parent with troubled children feels this waste of the potential for happiness.

@angela99999 I can totally see where you're coming from.

Your child was an addict - police not interested

NB - not seen as an addict, so we will go all out.

Neither person was/is loved less than the other. Both deserve to be looked for and made safe.

for you.

I hope things are a little brighter now.

Me too.

I was gobsmacked yesterday at what the police said. I really felt for Nicola and her whole family. I was worried the general public would judge her for being something she is not. I worry if she did leave by choice she would now feel judged and humiliated and never return.

I have however been refreshingly surprised for once that ever person of all ages, my kids, my dp, our friends, grandparents and great grandparents are as dismayed as I am about the statement made yesterday. No one thought anything other than the police being so so way out of order, that if anything they now care even more for Nicola, because how very dare the police have said what they did. We don’t know her, don’t know her past.

I am peri menopausal. That obviously means I am high risk too then?

I read a poster earlier today saying something to the effect of, it were a man that vanished, would the police state he was high risk PAST alcohol issues and struggling due to impotence?

No. would never happen. How very dare they tell the world about something so private to Nicola.

It wasn’t private to Nicola if it was in fact known to people who were already talking to the press about her issues. And actually, I think if it were a man who had disappeared in similar circumstances, people would be far less interested generally, and far more inclined to assume he’d killed himself, “because that’s what men do,” therefore no need to reveal anything about his background, because nobody would care enough for him to be national news in the first place, nor would they care so much about him being found or what he was really like - he would just be one of many missing people, because men are allowed to be normal and flawed, and are not allowed to be seen as “vulnerable,” only women have to be viewed as either angels or devils by the people frothing at the mouth about the publicisation of any kind of female fallibility. There might be more interest in a man going missing, however, if it turned out the police had been called to his house the week before because he was suffering some kind of mental health crisis, though - and no doubt sexists who would instantly jump to the conclusion he was a nasty, domestic abuser, especially if people who knew him said he had had issues with alcohol…

Being menopausal is not remotely the same as a man being impotent. I wish people would stop saying this.

I agree @ActiveDiscus - we're back to the old misogynostic trope of women being slaves to their "wandering wombs" again.

I am peri menopausal. That obviously means I am high risk too then?

No, it "obviously" doesn't. But it may have been relevant in Nicola's case if she was one of the unlucky ones where her mental health was being negatively affected by perimenopause.

A welfare team had attended the address in January, that usually means social services are alerted if children are living in the house. Clearly a lot was going on for Nicola behind closed doors. As I said before, the police have a lot more information than they have released.

One of my children (now adult) went missing for 4 years. She had a history of drug use and mental health problems but the police were never interested.
I think it is ludicrous that so much fuss in being made about this one missing person, though obviously her family and friends are suffering.

Sorry to hear this. I hope she's well now.

The lottery of who gets reported and doesn't is a disgrace.

Ill not mention cases because certain things get deleted but you can think of other missing persons who families have had all the media coverage and others where they've hardly even been acknowledged.

Everyone with any type of illness (and addiction totally is illness) should all be treated the same. Services are such a shambles that this happens all too often.

Some really insightful posts and some completely bizarre ones. Some people just can’t help themselves speculating.

I actually posted about "wandering wombs" above, on this same page, re: endometriosis. That same link covers how the theory about period pain at first was "wandering wombs". It was only when period pain was legitimised and accepted as a real medical issue that more research was done, the medical cause discovered, and various treatments offered.

Female researchers have said there is not enough funding and research relative to how the menopause badly affects many women. Actual research will only be undertaken, and more effective treatments offered, if society acknowledges the menopause as legitimately causing issues – not a hysterical weak imaginary woman thing that thou must not speak about, lest women be "shamed" in front of men. At the moment, the menopause is at "wandering womb" stage because people find it such a dirty word. It's cloaked in stigma and prejudice – how dare you slander NB, etc.

A multitude of studies already demonstrate the link between menopause and suicidal thoughts. I don't know why so many MNers find it so shameful and unspeakable to admit that menopause/HRT in many cases has a negative impact on mental health. Actually, I do – because we're taught that anything to do with female biology is shameful weakness that must not be admitted to in front of (male-dominated) society.

In those days, if you'd said someone committed suicide because of period pain (especially because it was such an untreated issue then), they'd be painted as weak, hysterical, shameful, all sorts. It might be seen as "misogyny" to admit that happened. These days, if the same thing happened, people would have sympathy and say it was a tragedy they weren't offered better medical help. Hopefully some day, menopause-linked mental health issues won't be seen as shameful, letting down the image of the female gender, etc.

Didnt a similar thing happen with the Claudia Lawrence case. Havent read whole thread so someone might have already mentioned it

@JenniferBooth with Claudia Lawrence, it was revealed as she might have been seeing several men, and with that, people just lost interest

I actually posted about "wandering wombs" above

Apologies - I skim read and missed your comment.

I think they mentioned the vulnerabilities thinking the trolls might lose interest. I think some have lost interest now.

She will always make you ache to protect her. That's what being a parent is. It can tear the very heart out of you.