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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To even consider this?

54 replies

user1820224 · 16/02/2023 01:02

Wheres the line about what circumstances would be okay to just up and leave your husband without letting him know? We don’t have children.

Obviously I know in DV cases it’s so important to do this for safety.

My husband has never hit me. But he threatened to. He seems good in a lot of ways and I do love him a lot. But he’s very controlling sometimes to the point where I’m not even allowed a job.

I have a family member who lives abroad and she wants me to move there for a while with her. I could go next month and stay for six months. I’m really considering going, not telling my husband, just leaving. But I feel so guilty and like this will cause him so much trauma and will mean that I’m a really awful person who will get a load of bad karma.

But I just don’t have the strength to break free, he always talks me out of things. I feel so trapped and my mental health is a mess, my anxiety is through the roof. I have a small amount of savings to get by for the 6 months so I could just go on a tourist visa and not work.

Please be honest. AIBU to even consider doing this?

OP posts:
IamSmarticus · 16/02/2023 01:08

Go without telling him, tell him once you get there that you have left and don't ever go back!

Not allowed to get a job? That's not right and you shouldn't be with anyone who treats you like that.

Couchpotato3 · 16/02/2023 01:09

YANBU and a clean break and a few months away from him will enable you to recover your mental health and decide what you want to do. Please get some good legal advice first and make sure you leave with all the papers and financial records and so on that you will need for your divorce. Good luck. Freedom and a better life are within your grasp!

BlytheByName · 16/02/2023 01:11

You have the chance to get away from a man who is controlling you! This is the perfect opportunity.
Email when you get there but do not give him your location. He may follow you and try to force you to come back. Once you are away from him, you will start to think more clearly.

BreviloquentBastard · 16/02/2023 01:13

If my husband ever once threatened to hit me I'd be out the door quicker than a whippet with a bum full of dynamite.

Go, get out, go abroad and free yourself.

loupielou1 · 16/02/2023 01:16

Go! You have the offer. Some women don't have that! Just go as you have the opportunity that so many other women beg for. Asking on here you sleepy know the answer and are looking for clarity. Go go go and don't look back! Block and delete him. You won't have bad karma. You will have the luckiest and greatest karma as you will be an inspiration to any other woman in your situation. Go please! Xx

WalkingThroughTreacle · 16/02/2023 01:19

You're clearly in an abusive relationship. As far as I'm concerned, you get out whichever way you can and to hell with what he or anyone else thinks about the manner in which you do that.

mackthepony · 16/02/2023 01:20

Go, go, go!

Original poster
user1820224 · 16/02/2023 01:27

If I leave like that, will it mean he will get all of the house when we divorce? Will I have to leave him money to pay my half of the mortgage when I go? Or what documents would I need to get beforehand?

I seem to get stuck on the idea that this will make me a really awful person to do this, I feel like it will leave him with a lot of things to sort out on his own and he doesn’t really have any friends or family.

OP posts:
MistyGreenAndBlue · 16/02/2023 01:27

What they said ^^

You won't traumatise him. He'll be angry that you dared to defy him, but fine. Go while the going is good. Look after yourself.

ourflagmeansdeath · 16/02/2023 01:30

Oh dear god, please please leave. I am no help on the mortgage, documents side of this but for your mental health this is necessary. The fact he doesn't allow you to have a job and even threatens to hit you proves he is a misogynistic and awful man. You are not an awful person - there is a reason he doesn't have friends and it is not your fault. Prioritise yourself, this is a great opportunity for you. Work on yourself, divorce him, you deserve better.

loupielou1 · 16/02/2023 01:37

Omg stop thinking of his feelings... he doesn't have family or friends? Well of course he doesn't with the person he is! You will get what you need. Don't worry. Easier said than done but seriously you are on here asking because you know you are right and are just getting clarification. Babes you are right, don't let him brainwash you anymore. Go now! Please!

007DoubleOSeven · 16/02/2023 01:40

Do it.

You can speak to a solicitor to ask about rights to house etc but (I'm not an expert by any means) I wouldn't have thought it would make a difference.

Get evidence of us much financial documentation as you can and keep it outside the home. Get your personal documents out from the house (eg birth certificate) and I would also suggest you try to squirrel away any prized personal possessions of sentimental value which can't be replaced.

Womens aid can advise.

Eyerollcentral · 16/02/2023 01:41

user1820224 · 16/02/2023 01:27

If I leave like that, will it mean he will get all of the house when we divorce? Will I have to leave him money to pay my half of the mortgage when I go? Or what documents would I need to get beforehand?

I seem to get stuck on the idea that this will make me a really awful person to do this, I feel like it will leave him with a lot of things to sort out on his own and he doesn’t really have any friends or family.

I wonder why he has no friends or family 🧐 don’t wait for someone carry through with a threat to leave. If you pay half the mortgage then legally you are still responsible for half the mortgage. It won’t mean gets the whole house if you leave though, depending on how you hold the property, equity, etc.

Original poster
user1820224 · 16/02/2023 01:55

loupielou1 · 16/02/2023 01:37

Omg stop thinking of his feelings... he doesn't have family or friends? Well of course he doesn't with the person he is! You will get what you need. Don't worry. Easier said than done but seriously you are on here asking because you know you are right and are just getting clarification. Babes you are right, don't let him brainwash you anymore. Go now! Please!

I can’t seem to stop thinking of his feelings. Even though I know a lot isn’t right about us, I do still feel like I love him, and we’ve been married 11 years, and my life has just revolved around him. I don’t know how to untangle myself from it or stop thinking of him, I wish I could. I’m trying to though. I’m in my mid 30s now and I feel like I can’t go on like this.

OP posts:
sashh · 16/02/2023 01:57

Go OP.

Take anything of sentimental value with you or leave with someone you trust because he I bet he will trash the place.

Open a new bank account and move some money in and carry your passport with you from now.

NancyVicious · 16/02/2023 01:59

Go as soon as you can. You can deal with the house sale while you are abroad and have had chance to think with a clear head.

I have felt the same way as you when I'm an abusive relationship, worried about his feelings, it's natural to when they have worn you down so much. But I promise you, he doesn't give a fuck about your feelings enough to treat you well. So please put yourself first for a change and take the offer you have to break free

FictionalCharacter · 16/02/2023 02:06

I haven’t voted, because yanbu to leave, but YABU to go back to him and his abuse after 6 months. YABU to keep thinking about his “feelings” and the idea that you’re a bad person. It’s because of this abuse that you think like that. Please get away from him.

Lizzy1980 · 16/02/2023 03:24

Get yourself some legal advice regarding your house.
Leave as soon as you can and never look back. You’re not tied to him with children and you don’t have the issue of having to leave your job because he won’t ‘allow’ you to have one. Even if he never raises his hand to you he has used the threat of violence to keep you under control. You don’t treat people you love that way.
You have the opportunity of a fresh start far away from him. If you do choose to go then please limit the number of people you share the details with as much as possible, the fewer people who know where you’re going the better.
Good luck OP X

ShandaLear · 16/02/2023 03:29

He is abusing you! Why are you worried about his feelings when he is clearly not worried about yours. Get to your cousins, hire a lawyer, and get divorced. This is a golden opportunity for you.

Icedlatteplease · 16/02/2023 03:33

Please be very very careful. You cannot just disappear with the children if you haven't got thoroughly solid evidence of abuse. You risk losing the children if he decides to go down the parental alienation route.

You do need to end the relationship but get proper legal advice on all aspects before you go

Icedlatteplease · 16/02/2023 03:39

Tbh unless the abuse is physical abuse directed at the child you would still be expected to facilitate contact between him and the children

Reiningitin · 16/02/2023 03:39

They don't have children

Icedlatteplease · 16/02/2023 03:42

Reiningitin · 16/02/2023 03:39

They don't have children

I miss read that as one child 🙄🙄🙄😳😳😳

In which case go go go!!!!

(I now understand why everyone was saying go)

wanttokickoffbutcant · 16/02/2023 03:44

How are you paying the mortgage? Just go. No house is worth abuse.

KEG973 · 16/02/2023 03:44

She said she does not have children