To even consider this?

[user1820224]

Wheres the line about what circumstances would be okay to just up and leave your husband without letting him know? We don’t have children.

Obviously I know in DV cases it’s so important to do this for safety.

My husband has never hit me. But he threatened to. He seems good in a lot of ways and I do love him a lot. But he’s very controlling sometimes to the point where I’m not even allowed a job.

I have a family member who lives abroad and she wants me to move there for a while with her. I could go next month and stay for six months. I’m really considering going, not telling my husband, just leaving. But I feel so guilty and like this will cause him so much trauma and will mean that I’m a really awful person who will get a load of bad karma.

But I just don’t have the strength to break free, he always talks me out of things. I feel so trapped and my mental health is a mess, my anxiety is through the roof. I have a small amount of savings to get by for the 6 months so I could just go on a tourist visa and not work.

Please be honest. AIBU to even consider doing this?

You're not getting a chance to think for yourself at present. Don't feel guilty, go.

A bad relationship broke me and I don't want to see it happen to anyone else.

You need to get all your personal documents, things relating to your bank accounts, passport, birth certificate, drivers licence, anything like a laptop (if you are leaving it you need to log out of every site & change the passwords on them) that you use.

You need any little childhood items you have kept, or things of sentimental value like pics of your family.
If you have things like magazine subscriptions or bills in your name then cancel them so he can't run up bills in your name to be spiteful (just in case)

If you have a local friend, you could put bits like documents/photos in a carrier & ask them to look after them until you are actually going.
If you don't, you can post them to your relative in the place you are heading.

You need to imagine what it is that you would most regret not taking if you could never return to get them & get those things that really really matter most to you.

That way, if he is angry after you've gone, he cannot throw out or damage the little bits you can't replace.

Just go.
Block his number & any landline no at home if there is one that he might call from on your mobile & go.
Don't get into a conversation, don't say a word.
If you know he'll talk you out of it, it's because you've tried to tell him it's what you need/want before & he didn't care enough about you to do anything but expect his way.

You are not his mother & he is an adult man.
He is not your job.

When you see how much better anything is if you just don't have to deal with him anymore, you won't want to go back to being as sad as you seem now.

They don’t have children.

You can leave a relationship for any reason you like. And it sounds like you have more reason than most
I would definitely go, as it sounds like you need the distance to be able to break free of him. Best of luck.

Life is too short, take this opportunity and make a new start away from this awful controlling man.

How are you currently paying your share of the mortgage if you’re not working?

Get some legal advice about the house, pack up all your things and go!

Don’t tell him where you are, but email him you’ve gone once you’re safely away, and quite frankly sod his feelings- he doesn’t care about yours.

Read the thread, she has no children.

You asked about paying your half of the mortgage if you go. Is that what you do now and if so how do you do that if 'D'H doesn't allow you to work?

Another vote for go. Start divorce proceedings from there. You could be coming home single. Good luck

Definitely go!

But since no one else has pointed it out. Your local police force should have a website with a send us a message option. Send them a message with your address abroad and planned date/time of move with a brief explanation of the circumstances so that they don’t launch a full man hunt looking for you.

it would also be wise to meet with a divorce lawyer before you go and ask if all future conversations can be phone/email or if further in person meetings would be required. That way the divorce proceedings start without delay.

"Read the thread". I'd already apologised for misreading no as one. You could be polite

There’s some really good advice here, and notice none of us are saying you should stay. Start imagining how wonderful it will be to be your own person again. You are young, don’t waste another minute on this controlling loser.

He's threatened to hit you and he controls you; you escaping his abuse will be his bad karma for treating you like dirt.

Leave.

House, mortgage etc. is all sortable - but please, don't stay for fear of being a bad person.

Years ago, I split up with my fiance. He was cheating, and I found out. I felt terrible though, as I packed everything up that I owned in the house for a courier to collect. At THREE AM I found myself driving to a 24 hr supermarket to buy him a TV because I felt that it was selfish of me to take mine.

I was so naive, I believed we could be amicable and sort the whole thing out like grownups. I was so, so wrong. He dumped things that I had planned to come back for - my birth certificate, degree certificate, graduation photos - things that were irreplaceable. Cried poverty and I walked away having signed the house over to him, later found out he had thousands of pounds in savings. All because I was worried about how me leaving would affect him.

Don't worry about him. Put yourself first and get your paperwork in order. I regret bitterly how 'kind' I felt I had to be to my ex. Don't make that mistake!

Go ASAP.

Even while away, tell him you are taking a break for a bit so that he will hopefully be placated.

Then, from a distance, arrange for divorce papers to be served. Make sure to detail in your comms with your solicitor the amount if coercive control you've been under for so long.

I'd go and get legal advice re divorce and marital assets. Then go. You are in an abusive relationship, you don't have to consider him, just get out. You're young enough to start over again. Just go, he doesn't consider you. Does he pay your pension contributions? Where is your life heading as you age?

You would crazy to stay with anyone who threatened to hit you.

Please, please leave now

You are suffering from DV and you don’t owe him anything. It’s his karma that should be the only thing in question not yours.

Slow the coaches. Yes, you need to leave & the sooner the better. No you're not awful for not telling him before you leave, BUT...

You need to see a solicitor about the house & any other assets.

Do you have a friend who would take your secrets to her grave? Would she look after some stuff for you? If so, slowly take things to her house that you wouldn't want to take overseas with you (photo albums, other sentimental stuff)

Gather all the paperwork you need & take it to your friends.

Do you want to visit this person or is it just one way to escape? Really think about that as you might be better off staying here, with friends, so you don't feel lonely and start rebuilding your life, getting a job etc.

it's all very well running off but it might be lonely & it won't help you move on/forward with your life which might mean you lose your resolve & go back to him. That would be a terrible decision.
.

Oh & when you do leave, leave him a note to say you're ending the marriage & that your solicitor will be in touch about the house etc that your are well, safe & of sound mind & you do NOT want to speak to him. He can contact you on this email address, or via your solicitor.

take a photo of the letter.

Leave, but please speak to the local police to tell them that's what you're doing. Otherwise, if your husband reports you missing many hours of their time and that of volunteers could be spent searching for you.

I feel so guilty this morning for even posting this. I spoke to a psychologist, very briefly, but she told me I shouldn't run away and it was just a fantasy to do it. But I found it hard to be completely honest with her and I find myself defending him a lot. I really want to do it here now. How can I stop feeling guilty about this. I feel so awful and keep picturing him when he realises I've gone.

Thank you for the replies by the way. I wasn't expecting so many and for you to say to go 🙁

OP you are in an abusive relationship and you need to go! Thank goodness there are no children involved.

Don't think about this any further. Start making plans, keep it hush and then once you've settled in, email him and tell him you're leaving him for good!

He has already done enough to get home arrested, so you are in a controlling and coercive relationship.

Just go

But let the police know, so there isn't a massive woman hunt for you x

I really hope you're not who I think you are.