Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel jealous over friends freedom

53 replies

Doggybagwarrior · 15/02/2023 18:39

Ok. First things first. I'm well aware I'm up for a roastin' :) Genuinely curious if anyone in a similar friendship can relate or if my jealousy is a bit OTT.

A good friend of mine barely has time with her children apart from the morning rush to school. I can completely sympathise that the morning rush of getting a couple of kids (age 5 and 7) off to school is, more often than not, hard work. Her partner finishes early to collect them and take them off to various clubs to give her alone time.

She doesn't work because she wants to be around for her children, and then in the holidays they go to grandparents or her dp takes time off to care for them.

At weekends she will do things with them with her dp otherwise they will go to grandparents.

She doesn't have any 1:1 time with either of them and if dp is not around she very very rarely looks after them alone.

I won't lie but I do get jealous, constant messages to tell me that they are at the grandparents having sleep overs. Constant, very subtle (so perhaps my guilt)
comments, mentioning how she doesn't work because she wants to be there for her kids and how she feels so sorry for other kids who don't have a sahm to be their constant, unswerving, attentive parent all the whole knowing I'd love to be in that situation but can't.
I work very hard, but it's fairly part-time as, I too, want to be there for my kids. These little comments can be a little aggravating.

When I'm not working then every moment I have is with my (same aged) kids. If grandparents ever offer to spend time with the kids we usually use this opportunity for the kids to have 1:1 time with us and the grandparents so we never really get a break. We do have help with 1 of our children twice a month for when I'm on call with work but no other family help as such, especially for leisure time! :)

I know I probably sound unreasonable but I'm so sick of hearing it. I'm so jealous that someone gets so many breaks and not just within school hours. I would love to just get two hours to watch TV! 1 even!

But I'm also aggravated by the subtle working- mum shaming comments.

How unreasonable am I being exactly?!

OP posts:
Botw1 · 15/02/2023 18:40

She isn't a friend

Dump her

You've nothing to be guilty about or jealous of

drpet49 · 15/02/2023 18:41

She sounds like a shit mum who can’t be bothered with her children.

CrackedLookingGlass · 15/02/2023 18:45

I don’t see what’s so enviable. She sounds like a deeply uninvolved parent who doesn’t appear to do anything at all with this ‘freedom’ you cover.

SwishSwipe · 15/02/2023 18:45

She just sounds lazy, entitled and passive aggressive to me.

In what way is she a good friend?

Ponoka7 · 15/02/2023 18:46

I think that it's her that has the guilt. Does she have poor mental health etc?

VyeBrator · 15/02/2023 18:46

I'd say you're very unreasonable to start this thread because, you obviously want strangers to give you a chorus of 'She's a shit mum'.

Why does it matter to you so much? You're not her and her kids aren't yours.

I'd spend a bit more time concentrating on why you think your behavior is ok, rather than hers.

Dacadactyl · 15/02/2023 18:47

Your friend sounds like a pain tbh.

VyeBrator · 15/02/2023 18:47

And I see you've got your wish.

Do you feel better now people are slagging her off?

If so, ask yourself why.

Butchyrestingface · 15/02/2023 18:47

I work very hard, but it's fairly part-time as, I too, want to be there for my kids.

Aren't you now just doing to full-time working mums what you claim your friend is doing to you?

Kranke · 15/02/2023 18:48

It doesn’t sound like you two are very good friends. She’s taking a swipe at you working, and you’re taking a swipe at her and the time she spends with her children. You’re jealous she has help, she may be jealous you have a job. Either way it doesn’t sound like a very good friendship.

DuplicateUserName · 15/02/2023 18:48

Botw1 · 15/02/2023 18:40

She isn't a friend

Dump her

You've nothing to be guilty about or jealous of

Well the OP certainly isn't a friend either, is she? Confused

Tiredmum100 · 15/02/2023 18:49

Would you want to be like her though? I certainly wouldn't.

Caterina99 · 15/02/2023 18:50

Getting 2 children age 5 and 7 ready for school when you don’t work yourself is hardly hard work. Unless she or them has some kind of significant additional needs you haven’t mentioned?

BloggersBlog · 15/02/2023 18:50

Denise Royle the second

CrackedLookingGlass · 15/02/2023 18:51

Butchyrestingface · 15/02/2023 18:47

I work very hard, but it's fairly part-time as, I too, want to be there for my kids.

Aren't you now just doing to full-time working mums what you claim your friend is doing to you?

Yes, enough with the oneupmanship. My work is consumingly important to me. I parent too, but I’m fine with it not being my sole focus by any means.

DuplicateUserName · 15/02/2023 18:52

Tiredmum100 · 15/02/2023 18:49

Would you want to be like her though? I certainly wouldn't.

I wouldn't want to be like either of them to be fair.

Botw1 · 15/02/2023 18:54

@DuplicateUserName

Fair point

Grizzledstrawberry · 15/02/2023 18:57

I've felt jealous of two people who seems to have unlimited babysitters so they get time to themselves and regular nights out with partners, I can't remember the last time I peed alone, never mind had a whole weekend alone, I've never felt badly towards these two mothers though, they are just have a better/more supportive extended family then me, its made me feel shitty towards my own/DH's family though for lack of support.

Maybe that's where you should direct these feelings, the people who aren't offering you support like your husband and your extended families.

HelloBunny · 15/02/2023 19:05

I don’t do envy. But I have a friend who is always jealous. Of everyone! She said to another friend, recently, “oh at least you have work to get a break from the kids! I’m stuck with mine 24-7”. I mean, she could get a job... But doesn’t plan on working this year.

Original poster
Doggybagwarrior · 15/02/2023 19:06

@VyeBrator I don't really feel anything quite frankly.
I am very interested as to whether my jealously is OTT but thank you for your opinion.
You've certainly been triggered haven't you.

OP posts:
Original poster
Doggybagwarrior · 15/02/2023 19:08

@Grizzledstrawberry unfortunately he's in the same thick of it as me although I am going to try and take a bit of time for myself over the coming months before his work really ramps up- he's very aware! No extended family, I'm conscious not to over burden those around us as they don't really want to do more.

OP posts:
Original poster
Doggybagwarrior · 15/02/2023 19:10

@Butchyrestingface no not really. I've been fulltime too. Just explaining my situation, a habit of over-explaining and defending my position perhaps.

OP posts:
Original poster
Doggybagwarrior · 15/02/2023 19:11

@Ponoka7 no she doesn't have poor mental health, of that I'm sure, that being said there are no guarantees.

OP posts:
Porkyporkchop · 15/02/2023 19:12

Just distance from this friend and be so grateful you don’t have her life! It sounds like her dh doesn’t trust her with the kids, and even the grandparents are taking over…this is not a good sign!

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 15/02/2023 19:13

I don't really understand your post. For all her blathering about 'being there for her kids' she spends an awful lot of time not seeing them, doesn't she? Whereas you might work, but at least you spend time with them!