To feel jealous over friends freedom

[Doggybagwarrior]

Ok. First things first. I'm well aware I'm up for a roastin' :) Genuinely curious if anyone in a similar friendship can relate or if my jealousy is a bit OTT.

A good friend of mine barely has time with her children apart from the morning rush to school. I can completely sympathise that the morning rush of getting a couple of kids (age 5 and 7) off to school is, more often than not, hard work. Her partner finishes early to collect them and take them off to various clubs to give her alone time.

She doesn't work because she wants to be around for her children, and then in the holidays they go to grandparents or her dp takes time off to care for them.

At weekends she will do things with them with her dp otherwise they will go to grandparents.

She doesn't have any 1:1 time with either of them and if dp is not around she very very rarely looks after them alone.

I won't lie but I do get jealous, constant messages to tell me that they are at the grandparents having sleep overs. Constant, very subtle (so perhaps my guilt)
comments, mentioning how she doesn't work because she wants to be there for her kids and how she feels so sorry for other kids who don't have a sahm to be their constant, unswerving, attentive parent all the whole knowing I'd love to be in that situation but can't.
I work very hard, but it's fairly part-time as, I too, want to be there for my kids. These little comments can be a little aggravating.

When I'm not working then every moment I have is with my (same aged) kids. If grandparents ever offer to spend time with the kids we usually use this opportunity for the kids to have 1:1 time with us and the grandparents so we never really get a break. We do have help with 1 of our children twice a month for when I'm on call with work but no other family help as such, especially for leisure time! :)

I know I probably sound unreasonable but I'm so sick of hearing it. I'm so jealous that someone gets so many breaks and not just within school hours. I would love to just get two hours to watch TV! 1 even!

But I'm also aggravated by the subtle working- mum shaming comments.

How unreasonable am I being exactly?!

@CrackedLookingGlass nah, I'm explaining my situation, that interpretation is entirely yours. Your not my friend, I'm not yours..

The OP is only human. This woman's husband sounds very hands on. Some people don't have this. Some people have to work. Some people do not get much free time.
YANBU to feel jealous. However, I don't think this friendship is doing either of you any good. Let it go.

@Ponoka7

I think that it's her that has the guilt. Does she have poor mental health etc?

I think she just sounds lazy & can't be bothered to look after her own children. She's also trying to justify it by saying she wants to stay home for the children. I wonder when her DH gets a rest. I think as the children get older they will see through her. The children will hopefully have a good relationship with grandparents.

Why does her DH take the kids for her to have alone time- isn’t she alone all day?

Look at it this way: would you rather be there actually looking after your children, or palming them off to all and sundry every chance you get? What would your children prefer?

It sounds like you just need a bit more of a break/rest from the relentlessness of parenting. Can you get a childminder to do an occasional evening's babysitting?

Either she's a bad mum and can't be trusted. Or she has awful MH and she hasn't spoken about it (and hiding it well!)

I'm going to go with the latter as I've been that mum with poor MH. And being seen at school was a dread. I rushed in and scuttled off. I didn't like the DC seeing me so depressed and anxious so I needed DH and Grandparents around as much as possible as support / distraction. I never told my friends the depths of my anxiety and depression. I was good at hiding at even though I vomited every morning when I woke up from dread.

I can imaging other mums thinking this about me! I'm better now and spend a lot of 1:1 time with DC but I still can't face school. 😳 I'm very socially anxious so I hide away from social gatherings but I am beginning to say "yes" to more things x

That took me so long to type (broken hand) I've probably missed OP updates since I started 🤣

I wouldn't be jealous, I'd pity her not wanting to spend time with her kids!

Sounds like a shit mam

@Reindear I honestly don't know

I can't tell if my jealously is normal response in trying times, OTT, or a reaction to the digs around working mother's. It used to not bother me, I was much more non-judgemental, in the recent months I have started to really feel the little barbed comments and I guess I'm feeling defensive but holding it in.

I would mute her notifications and not read them . It is obvious you don't think she has the balance right so yes it might be nice to have more time but I don't see why you are jealous as you disapprove of her lifestyle. Try and create time for you within your routines.

Yes, I also wondered if her MH is poor.

@Itspoonotpoop I'm sorry you went through that and happy you are on the otherside. I'm not ruling out mental health but not convinced either.

As your mate has so much free time, ask her if she could do some babysitting for you in future?

As a pp said, your mate is Denise Royle.

I don't blame you for being a bit jealous, especially if you're feeling exhausted and in need of a break (like me). She's being disingenuous as she doesn't sound particularly involved, so hardly like she's there so much for her kids. I think if she's saying this to wind you up (she's probably not), and it's annoying you, might be time to phase out the friend. Friends are supposed to leave you feeling happy.

I never once made digs at my friends though!!

But then maybe she's trying justify why she's home and not at work?

Who knows, don't tie yourself in knots trying to work it out. She's living rent free in your head and you can choose to have freedom (from her!) x

In all fairness I couldn't give two hoots if parents work, don't work, claim benefits or have a live in nanny.
What upsets me is getting off a long arduous shift, having not hugged my babies for 11 hours and hearing "ooo I saw little Timmy at nursery being collected by his grandpa, poor mite doesn't know if he's coming or going, so pleased I'm here for my kids, blah blah blah" it's got to the point that I don't call her back / read her texts if I've had to stay on at work because I fear the disapproval and also I'm really sad that I'm not in that position (hence the jealousy!)

@Itspoonotpoop love that! Thank you x

OP it is annoying, but as others have said don't let it get to you.

I know someone similar who has one DC in primary school, and doesn't work (minted husband).

I have 2 DC, 3rd on the way and a full time job.

I wince when she tells me how busy she is (she's really not) but I don't think she realises how it comes across. And actually sometimes I think she feels she has to emphasise the busyness because actually, really, she knows it's really not like that. That maybe what's happening here.

It’s not unreasonable to be jealous of parents who have more family help than you. But it’s not this lady’s fault that you get little downtime. And I have the impression you are exaggerating about how little time she spends with her kids.

I think a bigger problem is that she is a shit friend who say insensitive stuff.

I agree with this 'suggestion' as to what may be going on with the friend. It is never helpful to look at others are doing or not doing. You simply don't know OP what may be going on behind closed doors. And even if she is a good friend she may be very good at hiding how she is feeling.

I think you are being at least a bit OTT with your jealousy. Sounds like you are fed up and making your friend the object of your dissatisfaction and trying to put her down, so that you can feel better about yourself?

It sure I'd ever envy someone who clearly doesn't have a close relationship with her own children and who will no doubt then hate that fact when they're older and have little time for her.

@Silvers11 yes this could be the case. That being said I didn't really feel bad about myself in this area until the subtle criticism became apparent

She sounds like someone who struggles with emotional connection and perhaps any connection as she seems completely self unaware.

It's like she spews out all the things she thinks are what a loving mother should say or do but actually there is a disconnect between what she says and reality.

It sounds like her DH and DPs enable this whether through choice or because they have to ?

I feel sorry for her.